Erik Lehnsherr's Hogwarts Survival Guide: Year 1

Summary: Featuring handy tips for dealing with oddball professors, dragons and other magical beasts, unfortunate homework assignments, and best friends who might be just a little bit mental. Erik/Charles (preslash).

A/N: Wow, I have not posted in a billion years.

1. DON'T immediately assume your special messenger is a nutter.

St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys

July 31st

The room at the corner with the tall window

Erik was sitting on his bed, doing nothing in particular. Doing nothing in particular was his hobby during summer months. Well, it was one of his hobbies. The other hobby, getting into trouble, was frowned on by the head matron. Besides, most of his peers were currently getting into trouble, and Erik disliked conforming.

Erik was idly considering perhaps finding some trouble anyway out of sheer boredom when one of the strangest looking men he'd ever seen walked into the room.

He wasn't particularly tall, but he was muscled, with a weather-beaten face that gave the impression of a man who spent a lot of time in the country.

The man was dressed in large leather biker boots, skinny jeans, and a Hawaiian shirt, which was all highly at odds with his fierce expression.

"What do you want?" Erik asked, wondering why it was that even when he hadn't made the conscious decision to get into trouble, trouble waltzed into his room in gaudy floral print.

"Erik Lehnsherr?"

"That's me." Erik said warily.

"My name's Professor Logan." The man pulled letter from his jeans pocket and handed it to Erik. "I've been sent by the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to deliver your acceptance letter to you in person."

Erik stared at the yellowed envelope for perhaps ten seconds.

"Who sent you? If it was Cobbs, I swear-"

"Cobbs another boy here you fight with?" Professor Logan, if that was his real name, asked.

"He's the one who paid you." Erik said coldly, not getting up and taking the letter. "Now get out."

"Nah, don't think I'm gonna take orders from the eleven year old." Professor Logan said.

Professor Logan was about twice Erik's size. But Erik hadn't backed down from a fight in at least three years, and he scrambled to his feet, fists raised and scowl in place. "Look, if you don't get out of my room-"

"Hope you don't plan on fistfighting at Hogwarts. You'll get yourself hexed in the first week." Logan said.

"Hexed?" Erik glared at him, not lowering his fists. He wasn't about to get suckerpunched.

"A debilitatin' spell cast by your enemies. Which I'm figuring you tend to attract." Logan said.

"Spell." Erik deadpanned. "This is dumb even by Cobb's standards."

"You're a wizard, bub." Professor Logan glanced around them. "Mind if I smoke?"

Great. The head matron finally cracked and let in a madman. "Go ahead."

"I'm not mad." Professor Logan said. He'd obviously caught Erik's look. "You're not mad either, just to let you know."

"I know that." Erik said, nettled.

"You sure?" Logan asked. He took out a large and smelly cigar-Erik couldn't see from where-and placed it between his lips. Erik stared as he then proceeded to pull a stick from his boot and light the tip of the cigar with it. Professor Logan took a long draw and sighed, blowing a smoke ring. "Ahh. Dumbledore never lets me smoke inside the castle, says the air's thick enough with a thousand young magic folks about."

"How did you do that?" Erik said, unable to take his eyes off the faintly glowing cigar tip.

"Magic." Logan said calmly.

"There's no such thing." Erik said vehemently.

"Really? You never did anything...strange?" Logan blew another ring. This one formed into the shape of a large bird before dissipating. "Nothing a bit odd that got you into some bad trouble?"

Erik scowled. "No."

"Really? Because you don't like the 'incurably criminal' type. Least, Dumbledore thinks you aren't, which is why he's lettin' you in after that wrecking incident." Logan eyed him. "I won't lie to you Lehnsherr, not many students manage to bring down a building before they've even got to Hogwarts."

"That's wasn't me!" Erik started forward, ready to start punching, size difference be damned.

"Sure it wasn't." Logan raised a placating hand. "Stop worryin', kid. No one at Hogwarts needs to know about you landing yourself in a center, and you'll have new professors, without the bias."

"I can't be a wizard." Erik said, lowering his fists. If he was a wizard, he wouldn't be living here.

"Your name's been on our list since you were born." Logan said bluntly.

"What?"

"Magic ain't something that springs up at random when you turn eleven, it's just part of you." Logan pointed his cigar at Erik. "And it's in your blood. Your Mum was a witch."

"No, she wasn't." Erik said forcefully.

"You'll have to get over the habit of arguing with professors if you want to stay outta trouble at Hogwarts." Logan said. "Assuming you want t' go, no one's forcing you."

"I don't have any money." Erik said. He was desperate to ask about his mother, and how his mother could be a witch when the first eight years of his life had been perfectly ordinary, but he restrained himself.

"There's a scholarship fund." Logan said, again pulling an object of nowhere. This time it was a large bag of what looked like gold coins. "Galleons. Wizard money. We can go get your supplies in Diagon Alley right now."

"Won't the matron..."

"Matron's been confunded." Logan said. "She'll let you leave."

Leave. Erik felt a very strange feeling, rather like a bunch of winds whirling around his ribcage, engulf him. "Fine then."

"Fine then, sir." Professor Logan said. "I'll take you around to Ollivanders and whatnot, and the secondhand shops."

"Uh-huh." Erik said, already planning to ditch the man as soon as they were in 'Diagon Alley' and explore this for himself.

A/N: Review? Pretty please?