Title: The Art of Chastisement (And How Sirius Has a Lot to Learn)
Summary: Oneshot AU: When Harry's Parents died, Remus and Sirius took over raising their best friends' child. After Harry crashes a Flying Ford Anglia into the Whomping Willow at the start of his second year, Remus and Sirius are forced to send a Howler highlighting their displeasure. Or, at least, that was the plan.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters within.
Authors Note: This is just a short, silly fic inspired by a prompt from Princess Leasha who basically asked for Sirius and Remus sending a Howler to Harry after the incident with the Flying Car, and Sirius being a little too impressed. Also - I am still working on The Happiest Days of our Lives, and I will hopefully have the next chapter up within a couple of weeks!

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED — YOUR FATHER'S FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT AND IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT BACK HOME

Mrs Weasley's voice was still ringing in their ears when Cyprian, Sirius's owl (named after Cyprian Youdle of course) swooped down and delivered a suspiciously similar red envelope into Harry's now cold scrambled eggs.

Harry stared at it.

"Well, go on Harry, it can't be as bad as mine." Ron still sounded a little stunned. Harry grimaced, but he supposed Ron was right. Anyway, what was it Neville had said about not opening them? Probably better to get it over with.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER," the howler began, Sirius's voice ringing out across the breakfast table. Harry jumped, even though he'd been expecting it, and then felt a surge of relief that it was Sirius who had written the Howler. Remus would be bound to make him feel guilty; Sirius would probably just yell. "HOW DARE YOU GET CAUGHT STEALING MR WEASLEY'S CAR?! AND FLYING IT INTO THE WHOMPING WILLOW? YOU KNOW HOW DISPLEASED REMUS WILL BE WITH YOU! AND BEING CAUGHT BY SNAPE?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! YOU SHOULD HAVE RUN HIM DOWN WHILE YOU HAD THE CHANCE!"

Harry almost choked.

"Harry," the Howler continued in a much quieter voice. Remus had obviously taken over writing now (why he'd ever entrusted Sirius with the job in the first place was beyond Harry). "Regardless of what it may sound like from Sirius's message, we are both very disappointed in you–" the Howler's voice suddenly rose in pitch and began shouting again "–DAMN RIGHT WE ARE, YOU COULD HAVE RID THE WORLD OF SNIVILUS AND YOU DIDN'T – I am going to kill you in a minute – WHY DID YOU WRITE THAT DOWN?! – why did you write that down?" Harry glanced over at Ron and Hermione who were both staring at the Howler with much the same expression that he supposed was on his own face as he struggled to hold in his disbelieving laughter.

"Have they ever written a Howler before?" Seamus asked, not bothering to hold in his laughter. Harry shrugged, figuring they probably hadn't, and returned his attention to the envelope. He'd missed whatever Sirius had said in reply to Remus's question, and Remus was speaking again.

"– we are very disappointed in you. You could have severely injured yourself or someone else, you're incredibly lucky that you didn't. I hope you use your brain in the future and consider contacting one of us before you next decide to revert to theft and reckless endangerment." Harry winced, his amusement from a few seconds ago completely quashed. Someone was giggling a few seats from him but he didn't look up to see who it was. Well, he supposed it was entertaining if it wasn't you being chastised.

"WE COULD HAVE LEANT YOU THE BIKE, IT WOULDN'T HAVE MALFUNCTIONED OR CRASHED. MUCH EASIER TO HIDE TOO. WE'LL HAVE TO GIVE YOU LESSONS ON THE HOLIDAYS. REMIND ME – No, Harry, you will not be getting lessons on the bike, and at no stage will you ever be riding the bike. Please don't get your hopes up in regards to this as it will not be happening. Good luck with school, we will speak to you soon."

Remus's voice gave way to silence and Harry looked over at his friends again. He opened his mouth to say, "well, that-" but was interrupted by Sirius's voice.

"HARRY REMUS THINKS I HAVE ALREADY SENT THIS BUT I HAVEN'T. WE WILL ARRANGE THOSE LESSONS ON THE BIKE WHEN HE IS OUT. GOOD WORK WITH THE CAR. DON'T TELL REMUS, BUT I'M IMPRESSED. REMIND ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME WE FIRST TOOK THE BIKE OUT IN SIXTH YEAR. DON'T ASK REMUS HE WILL LIE. HEX SNIVILUS FOR ME WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCE. SHIT REMUS HAS NOTICED I STILL HAVE THE HOWLER–" Sirius's voice cut off abruptly and the Howler fell from the air, shredding itself into Harry's eggs.