Pregnancy Test

Squall didn't both to look up as his the door to his room swished open. It had been months since the last roommate he had transferred rooms and Garden hadn't bothered to replace him. Regardless, Squall knew who was stomping through the small apartment without looking – the only person who bothered to hack dorm rooms. Seifer.

"Hey, Princess," Seifer called. Being barged in while he was polishing Revolver wasn't an uncommon occurrence, but it still pissed the brunette off. Casting a glance up at his rival, Squall regretted it immediately. The blonde was wearing one of those grins that promised something devious. As always, Seifer was able to read Squall's expression and his smirk only grew. "I went into town and got a little something today."

"... a cactuar?" Squall remembered how Seifer had smuggled the monster in a potted plant only for it to wreak havoc and terror. Squall also remembered how he, and not the blonde, had been punished for it.

"Nah, nothing like that." Seifer tossed a small box over.

Squall stared at it a moment. He couldn't be serious. "A pregnancy test?"

But Seifer was all smiles – clearly he wasn't serious at all. "I heard a rumor that guys who equip GFs can get pregnant. And I thought that we should spend the rest of the day figuring it out."

Squall barely contained rolling his eyes and tossed the offending box back to Seifer. "No."

Seifer made a face. It was one of those faces he made when things weren't going his way. It also meant that Squall was in for a long battle. "But you were so frisky last night. There's no way you could say no to - "

"No." Squall turned away from Seifer. He ignored the way that his shirt clung to the sides of his body, revealed as he had pulled off his trench coat.

"Hey, come on now. I'm trying to be nice here and - "

"No."

"Princess. I'm this close to turning you over and - "

Squall felt a headache coming on. Dealing with Seifer wasn't high on his list of priorities today. "Go play with your goddamn pregnancy test."

Seifer narrowed his eyes. But then a smirk slowly grew on his features. "Fine. I'm going to go play with these soft, smooth, phallic pieces of plastic. And you're just gunna wish you were there." Seifer waved the box as he retreated into the bathroom, leaving the door open.

Squall rubbed at his temples. Wasn't he allowed to not want sex at least some of the time? Their relationship varied only slightly between the bedroom and the battlefield. The blonde seemed to think that meant that Squall was up for another round every time he wanted a spar.

Meanwhile, Seifer began a detailed narrative that started with him opening the box. There was no escape for Squall from his booming voice. In the past, he had attempted to block it out by covering his ears with his hands, pillows, even earplugs – but nothing worked. When Seifer wanted to be heard, there was no ignoring it.

"Oh yeah, come here you little – I mean, large penis of plastic. Come to daddy. I know you'll make that little ice princess jealous. What was that? You're a hundred times better than him? Ah, ain't that sweet. You know just what to say. Oh? You want something? I'll give it to you. Just 'cause you're cuter that him. Ahhhhhhh... haha. Alright now... just gotta..."

Squall closed his eyes, savoring the moment of quiet. Seifer would undoubtedly continue before too long.

"What the fuck?!" The shout had Squall on his feet instantly.

Against his better judgment, Squall slunk to the bathroom and eyed Seifer. The man in question was staring with great offense at the pregnancy test in his hand. Seifer must have felt his gaze because he turned with horror stricken eyes.

"Squall." the mention of his actual name made him narrow his eyes in concern. "I'm pregnant."

"Impossible." It was impossible. There was no way for a man to get pregnant. "The test is wrong. I'll prove it. Let me try."

Five minutes later, the duo stared down at the positive tests. After Squall had failed to prove the test was wrong, they had gone through the entire box of them in a frenzy. Now, they were just standing there, staring, in dead seriousness at the tests. There was no joking, no innuendoes, and no flirting as the blonde was wont to do in such confined places.

Instead, he only said. "We should go see the doc."

((The next day))

"I can't believe you thought you were pregnant," Seifer chuckled as they sat back and waited for the test results. Squall didn't bother to offer any comment. He knew the blonde was only saying it to abate his own nervousness; but it didn't make Squall any less nervous. There was no way either of them could be pregnant. But then what could the tests have meant?

Dr. Kadowaki finally entered with her clipboard and eyed the both of them. Seifer immediately sobered. "Do you want me to tell you your results separately?"

The duo glanced at each other. Even if it was impossible, Squall wanted to know if Seifer was actually pregnant. There was no way he could be pregnant; and if Seifer was there was no way the blonde would ever tell him. Squall couldn't even imagine what Seifer would look like pregnant – it would have been hilarious.

Seifer answered for them. "Tell us together. We can handle it."

The doctor took a breath. "Well, Almasy. You're not pregnant." Seifer shot Squall an 'I-knew-it' smirk. "However, you do have testicular cancer."

The smirk vanished instantly. "What?!"

"It's in the early stages so we can combat it with some simple treatment and expect a full recovery. Now, as for Leonheart -"

"Wait! Can we go back to the part where I have cancer?"

"Shut up, Seifer." Squall shot back. Kadowaki said it was easy to treat. There was no reason for her to lie – especially not to Seifer. The man could smell a lie a mile away. If Kadowaki said the treatment would be simple there was no reason for it not to be; beside she promised a full recovery.

"Your not gunna chop my balls off, right?"

The doctor smothered a laugh. "Heavens no. we can talk about treatment options later. Rest assured none of them will include amputation."

Seifer seemed a little satisfied at that and sank back into the waiting room chair. But his face was still stretched with irritation.

"And as for you, Squall," the brunette re-focused his attention back on her. For some reason, he felt a pit of dread in his stomach at the way she looked at him. "Congratulations on your pregnancy."

Squall was too stunned to speak. In fact, the whole room was silent. He was only aware he hadn't breathed when spots of black flecked across his vision. He took a breath and managed a simple word. "Impossible."

"It's extremely rare, but not impossible." the doctor said, almost apologetic. "You see, when someone is junctioned with a highly compatibly GF, the GF will try and provide their host with a child. For a boy or a girl in a heterosexual relationship, this means increased fertility. But, if you're in a homosexual relationship where reproduction is otherwise impossible," the woman paused to give a pointed look at Seifer, "your guardian force will alter your body to account for pregnancy."

Squall felt his head drop into his hands. He felt suddenly and wholly betrayed. Not by Shiva, he could never feel that way about her. But by Seifer. If only that jerk had worn a condom...

Beside him, the blonde chuckled deeply before suddenly stopping. "Wait... does that make me the dad?"

"Yes. It does Seifer."

Silence hung heavy between them.

"Doctor." Squall got her attention. "Please amputate his balls."

"Don't joke about a this like that Squall! Ever! I'm serious! Or are you forgetting I have cancer here. Me. Cancer. You... You're just pregnant. Ow. Don't hit me. That's not fair! You know I would never hit a pregnant woman would you-ow!"

Dr. Kadowaki sighed, looking away from the arguing teens. She wondered why, of all the couples that could have gotten pregnant at Balamb, it had to be these two. It had to be a cosmic joke.

A/N: Bit of a PSA: it's true that some forms of testicular cancer can be detected via pregnancy test, but it's not foolproof.