Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect or any of the characters, worlds or dialogue from it.

Author Note: This is my first ME fic and I hope, if you have stumbled across it, that you enjoy it! It's only going to be a short drabble of a fic but it has an M-Rating for a reason: violence and smut.

I used the dialogue from the game for this first chapter, but only to set the scene because it's a good starting point as I explore Kaidan and Shepard's relationship. I have not used any more dialogue from the game for the other chapters and FYI this fic is going to deviate from canon a little bit.

I'm from Australia and use Australian spelling and grammar - I don't have a BETA reader and while I do reread my own writing to edit it, I will make mistakes and typos. I always do! :)

Cover art is by Stuppid-Bunny at DA!

The Space In Between

Kaidan paced back and forth across the confined space of the elevator, his hands compulsively opening and closing into fists as he struggled to work off some of the nervous tension emanating from within him as he waited for Shepard. A blue aura, dancing like wildfire, sparked around him as his biotic power flared to life despite his attempts to calm his boiling emotions, and with a deep breath he forced himself to stop and lean against the elevator's railing. He slowly took in measured even breaths and let his forehead rest against cool glass of the window as he forced himself to calm down. Slowly the shimmering blue aura faded away and Kaidan opened his whiskey coloured eyes and stared at his faint reflection in the glass.

He'd come so close to pulling the trigger and shooting Shepard. So close. Too close. Did she know? Had she come just as close to shooting him? He could barely believe that they'd been staring down the barrels of their guns at each other…and yet they had. How had it come to this? How had they gone from friends and lovers to this? What were they to each other now? Anything? Something? Shepard had said they were 'all good' in the hospital and she'd said they could put Horizon behind them and move on, but then he'd gone and pulled a gun on her and now it felt as though they were even more distant than they had been.

The nervous tension flared again and Kaidan turned around until he was facing the doors and straightened to his full height, crossing his arms as he waited for her. His mind continued to mill uselessly over the 'what ifs'. What if he hadn't lowered his gun? What if Shepard hadn't lowered her gun? What if she hadn't cooled the situation down? Would he have shot her? Could he have?

No.

He was certain about that; he couldn't have shot her. Shepard was the only woman he'd ever loved and shooting her wasn't something he could ever bring himself to do. Stalling her and trying to talk her down at gunpoint was one thing, but pulling the trigger? Never. Unfortunately, he wasn't so sure about Shepard; she'd looked focused and in control. She hadn't looked like she would let anything stand in her way, even him. In some ways he respected her for that, but it was also heart breaking to have seen that in her eyes and he had no one to blame but himself.

He had pushed her away on Horizon and said those terrible things. He had questioned her loyalties on Mars. He had pointed the gun at her when she'd come out of the elevator less than an hour ago on the Citadel. For someone who wanted nothing more than to be close to Shepard, he'd done a hell of a job of pushing her away.

Without warning the elevator door opened and the woman in question appeared; Zillia Shepard. She was still in her armour and Kaidan couldn't help but notice it was badly pock marked with bullet dents and char marks. He hadn't seen it in their confrontation on the top of the Citadel, but she looked like she'd been through hell. Her vivid red hair, cut in her usual feathered pixie cut, was ruffled as though she'd been running her hand though it and her molten yellow eyes were weary and tired looking as they swept over him.

For a moment Shepard hesitated in the doorway and Kaidan wondered if she was considering turning around and walking away; he wouldn't have blamed her if she had. She looked surprised to see him and wasn't quite quick enough to hide the flash of emotion that streaked through her eyes at the sight of him. What emotion it was, he wasn't sure, but an instant later the look was gone and she crossed the threshold and faced him while the elevator door quietly whooshed shut behind her, enclosing them both in a space that suddenly felt far too small

It was like being trapped in a cage with a lioness...

"Kaidan, hey." She sounded slightly surprised as she greeted him with an easy smile and leaned against the side of the elevator. It was as though nothing big had just happened; as though in Shepard's world all was normal and fine and they hadn't had guns drawn on each other less than an hour ago. "I wondered where you went. What's up?"

Kaidan bit back his rehearsed apology and mentally scrambled for some kind of explanation for his presence in the elevator to the Normandy. He must look so stupid to her! What, with his hot-cold behaviour, lurking in the elevator and waiting around for her. It was pathetic. He was pathetic. He was like an idiot schoolboy with a crush. He'd felt the same way in the hospital when he'd lamely asked if the rumours were true about her and Garrus; as if he had had any right to know!

"I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened." He said lamely, determinedly shutting down his current line of thought, but as he spoke the words he heard the anger at himself and his stupid desperate behaviour leak into his voice and he realised Shepard would think he was angry at her.

Shepard blinked at his tone and uncrossed her arms, instantly alert that something wasn't right. "You sound angry."

Her luminous yellow eyes, like those of a cat, bore into him and Kaidan wanted to cram the stupid words back into his idiotic mouth. He felt naked before her gaze; it was like she could see into his soul. He felt certain she knew his words were meaningless and empty but he kept speaking anyway, desperate to get this talk over and done with. He had to talk to her about what had happened; he had to know if she would have fired on him.

"I've never stood gun to gun like that with someone who once had my back." He tried to sound casual, like it was no big deal to him, but he was sure that Shepard could see right through him. "How it all went down, it's got me…I don't know." He shrugged and turned around to face out the elevator window, running his eyes over the destruction that Cerberus had caused in their brief and ill-fated coup attempt.

"Okay, talk to me. Let's have it." Shepard didn't sound condescending; she sounded concerned, as though she did still care about him.

Did she?

Kaidan swallowed back some of the hope that was trying to rise within him and slowly turned around to face her, "If I hadn't backed down first, I feel like you would have taken me out."

Shepard's eyebrows rose slightly and she ran a tired hand through her hair, ruffling it further. The gesture was so achingly familiar that it took everything in Kaidan not to reach out and straighten her hair again for her, as he would have done once. Playfully. Lovingly. Instead he crossed his arms across his chest, keeping his renegade hands close to him and away from her.

Zillia shook her head ever so slightly as she answered, "I trusted you and I knew you'd come around. That's all that matters." She stepped up next to him to look out the window and he followed her gaze. A C-SEC vehicle was smouldering slowly not far below them and two people in security uniforms were helping a third injured person to safety. "The main thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."

"But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard." Kaidan faced her and willed her to look at him. "Later when you have to live with yourself, knowing that you acted with integrity – then it matters." He poured all of his passion into his voice, everything he couldn't bring himself to say to her about his fears about them pulling guns on each other and the damage they had wrecked on what was left of their relationship.

Their relationship? What a joke! He'd seen to that with his bitter words on Horizon…

"You're talking about Udina?" Shepard didn't immediately meet his gaze, but she did face him. "He gave me no choice so I took the shot. Any soldier would have done the same – including you."

There was something in her voice as she said the last word; possibly frustration, possibly defensiveness. Did she think he was questioning her motives? That he was blaming her for what happened? He hoped not. He hoped she could see he was worried more about them then he was about who had shot Udina and why.

He had to change the topic and fast. He didn't want Shepard thinking he was going to blame her for anything. "Okay. Look Shepard, there's another reason I'm here."

His gaze crashed against hers as she jerked her head up and met his eyes. That look was in her eyes again…hope? Fear? Need? He couldn't quite tell what it was, but the atmosphere in the elevator suddenly felt thicker, hotter and more electric. "Hackett offered me a position, but I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again."

There he'd said it. It was as close to, 'Take me with you!' as he could utter and still retain a shred of dignity. He forced himself to meet her eyes as Zillia watched him for a heartbeat or maybe for two, or maybe for an eternity. Time seemed to have fallen by the wayside as he waited for her to respond to him.

Her voice, when she spoke, was quiet and firm, "I couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you."

It was the small familiar smile she flashed him that sent shivers down his spine and made his legs feel weak. That same small smile that he'd seen on her face a million times before and had desperately wanted to see again. It was as though the elevator lightened around them, as though some of the dark clouds and smoke had vanished just because of her smile.

"Thank you, Commander." He knew his voice was furring with passion as he spoke, but he didn't care! He'd never been good at hiding his emotions and after his little display of jealousy at the hospital, well, Shepard had to know he was still crazy about her.

Shepard hit the button on the wall and the elevator swiftly began to move towards the Normandy. Kaidan closed his eyes for a second and thanked whatever god had been looking out for him that he hadn't made an ass out of himself this time. There was still something between them; he knew it and he was sure as hell that she could feel it too. There was only one thing left to say…

"Shepard," She looked up at him again when he said her name, "I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back."

"Good to know." The elevator slid to a halt and the door opened to the familiar sight of the Normandy. "Welcome aboard, Major."

"Aye aye, Ma'am."

A/N - Feedback and reviews are most welcome!