Title: Sleep

By: Yukito Kinomoto

Disclaimer: Don't own Grissom, Catherine, Sara, Nick, Warrick, Cassie or Grissom's Mom. Sole property of CBS and their affiliates. Don't own a Tahoe either, but there it is. Sole property of Chevy.

Rating: G

Summary: I finally did it, I got inside the Bug Man's head. Grissom's thoughts after the Hunger Artist. Just a little angst piece. One of my better works. I like it.

"My sister didn't have secrets. Her secrets had her. That... I told you I didn't ... I don't know. I mean, you know, y-y-you-you can pick through a million lives and never have one of your own." Cassie says, almost accusingly, never meeting my eyes. I feel flicker of sorrow in the truth of that statement.

I have a defense though, "Looking for things, analyzing them ... trying to figure out the world -- that's a life."

"You never know what you need until you find it," she states again, more firmly. "And the next thing I find it might be the thing that changes everything."

"What will you do when you find it?"

"Sleep ... the most perfect sleep."

I stop and put my hands in my pockets. I let her walk away, pulling her cart behind and muttering to herself. She has taught me a lot about myself.

Then it happens again, my hearing fades out. The world spins in a muffled mess. I don't need a doctor to know what's happening. It's what happened to my mother. She functioned just fine. But she ran an art gallery, not a CSU.

Obviously most of crime scene investigation is about seeing. But much of it is about hearing as well. Listening. Knowing how to listen. Not just to what people are saying but how they say it ... how their tone of voice matches their facial expressions or body posture. So, even if I read lips and know what they're saying ... it's not enough.

I don't know what to do. I was never someone who needed other people to feel comfortable or to confide in. I want to share this though. And at the same time it terrifies me to think anyone would know. They will look at me differently. It wouldn't be conscious and they won't do it to hurt me, but I will never be 'Gris' to them again.

Who do I have to tell?

Catherine is the first and most logical choice, but she'd be concerned about me and become even more protective.

I trust Warrick with my life, but know I'd get much the same reaction from him, as from Catherine.

Nicky would offer me sympathy that I neither want, nor feel particularly comfortable with.

Greg? Ha! That's a joke.

Sara is an interesting possibility. But no, she wouldn't understand either.

They will figure it out, eventually. They are very smart. They'll pick up evidence, over the next year or two, which won't make sense. It will frustrate them beyond belief. But they won't ask.

And when it clicks, I'll be in trouble. Nick and Sara will be angry that I didn't share it with them. They'll pin it on trust. It's not about trust; it's about fear. They'll be very angry with me. I won't be able to hear Sara cry, that's one good thing I suppose.

Catherine and Warrick will be disappointed. Warrick will get very quiet, and Catherine will want to talk. I'll have nothing to say at that point.

I close my eyes to the traffic that I've been studying.

Even if I can read lips, it's not enough.

Why can't my life just be easy for once?

I open my eyes as the noise of everyday life slowly returns to me.

And if I lose my job because of this? Then what?

I'll find what I need, and then I'll sleep. That's what I'll do. I'll sleep the most perfect sleep, alone.

I smile grimly to myself and go in search of my Tahoe.

To search for something I need to find, and then...

The most perfect sleep.