My Brother, My Rival

By Father Hulk

OPENING WORDS: Hello, my children. I am Father Hulk, and I am a preacher of the St. Eva Church. I am here to entertain you with my writing. So let's get started with a Mario story I wrote, with minor crossovers. Please note that these characters are not my property, nor are they property of the St. Eva Church. Enjoy!

WOOSH!

In a red blur, Mario streaked down from the sky, glided over Mushroom Land, and set lightly to a stop in front of the castle. After he dusted off his overalls, he went inside.

"Peach! I'm back!"

"Oooh, did you get it?" she squealed, running into the main hall.

With a grin, Mario passed her a bag labeled "World 7 Rental Co."

"Ohh, thank you!" Peach hugged him and kissed his cheek. "I appreciate you going all the way to World 7-3 to get it."

"Well, I guess the other rental places don't like carrying this kind of stuff." Said Mario as Peach removed her movie, "Beavis and Butthead Do Alderaan" from the bag.

"I'm going to go watch it right now!" she said, running into the den.

Mario smiled. He didn't mind that Peach didn't say thank you. It was worth it just to be in her presence. He was going to ask her to dinner tonight… it would be their first serious date. Thinking of food, Mario went to the kitchen to whip up a Pasta Fazzule, but Yoshi was already within, hustling and bustling about.

"Yoshi, I want to use the kitchen." Mario said.

"And I want Nintendo to make a female version of me, but hell, we can't get everything we want, can we?" the Dinosaur replied without looking up.

Mario cracked his knuckles. "Yoshi, I'm gonna count to zero…"

Yoshi looked up and wagged a green finger. "Ah, ah, aaah… threaten me you wouldn't, if know of the knowledge I have, you did."

Mario raised his eyebrows. "Wha?"

Yoshi quickly resumed cooking. "Nevermind."

"Yoshi, do you know something that I don't know?"

"No."

Mario looked suspicious. "Then what were you…"

"I know TONS of stuff you don't know! Ah, ha, ha, ha!"

"Is it about ME?" Mario asked.

"Maybe."

"Is it bad?"

"Maybe."

"Are you kidding?"

"Maybe."

Mario groaned. "Yoshi, PLEASE tell me…"

A voice interrupted them. "Holy shmata, what smells-a so good?" Wario rumbled, waddling in.

"It's my special stew." Yoshi answered. "It'll be done in about 2 hours."

"Ah, de fatcha brutay!" Wario spat.

"Unless I have some help." Yoshi added with a sly grin.

"I'm-a in!" Said Wario, throwing an apron around his waist.

"I need to use the kitchen!" Mario screamed.

"You'll just have to wait." Said Yoshi.

"Yeah, go tickle some Goombas or somethin." Wario said.

With a scowl on his face, Mario walked past Peach's room, where she was watching her movie.

"Heheheheh, Alderaan is COOL! Heheh!"

"Huhuhuhhuh, shut up, Beavis… it's gonna be destroyed soon… and stuff."

"Hehehe, RULE! Heheh!"

Mario decided not to disturb her now. Instead, he decided to go visit his brother, Luigi, in SubCon. Being miffed at not being put in Super Mario 64, Luigi ran away to SubCon, where he had stayed ever since. (I know, I know… here comes all the Luigi's Mansion evidence. My children, remember how Yoda was simply another special effect in Star Wars AOTC? Same thing.)

And so, he took his cape from the hook by the door, ran down the courtyard, and flew to the airport, where he got in Sky Pop and took off.

Meanwhile, in a totally different video game universe…

Ryu Bateson had just returned to Gate after defeating Deathevan, and was inspecting the church. He heard a pounding on the closet door, and he opened it and an old man came tumbling out. Then, like Marshall Mathers did before him, the REAL Father Hulk stood up.

"Who are you?" Ryu asked, jumping back.

"Oh… destined child… I am Father Hulk. How long has it been?"

"I don't know…" Ryu answered. "Father Hulk, what will you do now that St. Eva is destroyed?"

"What, what, WHAT???"

And Ryu proceded to tell him the story of Breath of Fire part 2, with 4-part harmony and all the phenomena…

"Oh dear…" Hulk whispered, scratching his beard. "Well, I guess I'll stay in this village for now. If you ever need my services, don't hesitate to let me know."

"Okay."

Meanwhile, in SubCon…

Luigi was bored. Today was Monday, and there was nothing to do. On Tuesday, there was the movie of the week, sponsored by the Mouser Movie Corps… on Wednesday, there was the South Park fan club… and on Friday, there was the Super Mario Bros. 2 tournaments, to see how good you were at navigating your homeland. But Monday… Monday… can't trust that day.

Seeing as how there was absolutely NOTHING to do, Luigi decided to pay his friends and brother in Mushroom Land a visit. So he took a cab to the Pidgit Carpet Rental Service, went on down, stopped on by, hopped a carpet and flew off into the sky.

Mario cruised the sky between Mushroom Land and SubCon, listening to his D.V.D.A album when suddenly he saw a shadow appear in the gap between the clouds and come streaking towards him at blinding speed.

"Yikes!" Mario swerved just in time to miss a guy on a carpet go blazing past.

"Crazy drunk carpet riders…" he grumbled, regaining altitude as the door leading to SubCon came into view.