Disclaimer: The Divergent trilogy and all unoriginal characters belong to Veronica Roth

A/N: I am so sorry this took so long! I got bogged down with finals and end of school move out plus a job hunt. Again sorry it took so long but I will be able to update much more often now that its summer! Hope you guys like this chapter :)

Chapter 6: When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

I awake the next morning and stretch. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and groan. I'm still extremely tired. My sleep had been restless, dreams bouncing between Steve, Eric, and my mother. I didn't want to think about my mother, not today, not yet. I was still so confused, both by Steve and by Eric. I knew I had no more feelings for Steve, at least romantic but I believed that I still cared about him. My emotions were so mixed. Eric on the other hand was a totally different matter.

Kissing Eric had been a surreal experience. I hadn't expected him to kiss me. I was certain that he was annoyed by me; I would never have expected him to have any sort of feelings for me, or maybe not feelings but attraction towards me. When he had kissed me I felt a heat enter the pit of my stomach, sending chills up my back. It had been possessive, completing dominating. It was so much more intense than anything I had experienced with Steve. Steve had been sweet but I'm ashamed to say that I enjoyed that brief moment with Eric more than any of my physical encounters with Steve.

I run my hand over my face and sigh. I get out of the bed and quickly get dressed, making my way to breakfast. I sit by Nic and grab a bagel from the center of the table. I slather on some strawberry cream cheese and slowly bring the bagel up to my mouth. I'm exhausted and every bite is tiring. Nic studies me critically before standing up and walking off without a word. I watch him head off in confusion but shrug and return to my bagel. Nic returns a few minutes later and sets a cup of coffee down in front of me.

"You look like you need this," he says with a smile.

"Rough night?" another Dauntless born, Lance asks.

"Just didn't sleep well," I say with a shrug.

"I can understand that," Lance says as he raises his coffee cup up in cheers. I laugh and clink my glass to his before brining the cup to my mouth and blowing before taking a sip.

"Today's the first round of fights," a girl named Abby says after a moment.

"I wonder how they're gonna pair us up," one of the boys Zach said. I could see the bit of concern on his face. Zach was on the smaller side. I can understand why he'd be worried about the fights.

Rachel a girl with curly brown hair nodded in agreement. "Yeah now that Brad's gone there's an uneven number of people, someone's gonna have to sit out."

"Yeah poor Brad, I know he was late but did Eric have to be such a douche about it," Danny, a boy with light blue eyes spoke up.

"Douche is a bit of an understatement, more like psycho," the largest of the group, Cooper said with a snort.

I gritted my teeth, sure Eric had been harsh but rules were rules, and calling him a psycho was a bit much. I pushed myself up from the table angrily drawing the attention of my fellow initiates.

"Eveline are you okay," the tallest of us girls, Libby said, looking at me in confusion.

"Just lost my appetite," I say quickly before walking off.

I walked towards the training room, confused by my own behavior. Insulting Eric shouldn't make me this angry. He was a douche that much I knew. Even calling him a psycho should be getting this much of a reaction from me. I knew I didn't have feelings for Eric, he scared the hell out of me. I did respect him though. He may be an asshole but there was no doubt that he was a good leader and a man to be respected no matter how much you hated him.

I made it to the training room just in time to see Lauren hanging up the board for today's fights. I scanned the list and felt a small amount of joy when I saw whom I was against. I smiled, it would be a hard fight but I would happy to hit this guy after the conversation at breakfast. This went as follows:

Abby v. Rachel

Libby v. Lance

Evee v. Cooper

Nic v. Danny

Looked like Zach would be the first to sit out. I wish he hadn't stayed. It was obvious that the kid was made for Erudite. I don't know what had prompted him to stay. He was small with no muscle and had been the smartest kid out of all the Dauntless born in our class. He was going to be destroyed in the fights.

I sit down and wait for the rest of the people to get to the training room. Nic is the first to arrive and sits beside me. I glance over at him to see him looking at me expectantly.

"Come one Evee, you gotta tell me what that was all about," he finally says when I refuse to speak.

"In all honesty I don't know what that was all about," I say shaking my head. Nic seems to accept my answer and we sit and wait for the rest of the group.

It doesn't take long and we all stand in a circle around the fighting mat waiting for Lauren to announce the first fight. She walked to the middle of the map and glanced at us all.

"Today is the first day of fights. You have four fights total," she begins. "You're rank for stage one from this moment on will be determined by how you fair in your fights. Though wining and loosing has much to do with rank you will also be observed by how you strategize. You fight till you can no longer continue or one of you concedes." Her eyes scan the lot of us before finally she says, "Abby, Rachel, you're up."

With that she steps off the mat and allows the two girls to get up there. At first the two seem to hesitant to punch each other, just circling around, before a voice from the back of the crowd calls out, "Stop pussy footing around and fight."

I glance behind me to see Eric standing in his normal position, arms crossed over his chest, eyes studying the two on the mat. I turn back when I hear a loud thump to see Rachel on top of Abby, pinning her down. Abby tries to bump her hips up and throw Rachel off but Rachel is bigger and stays on punching Abby in the face. Abby puts her arms up to defend her face and Rachel delivers a blow to Abby's temple. Abby goes limp, not knocked out but too stunned to continue.

"Winner Rachel," Lauren says and circles her name on the board. Abby shakes her head as she slowly returns to her senses and Rachel helps her up apologizing as they walk of the mat. "Next Libby and Lance," Lauren says and the two walk to the mat and begin fighting on Lauren's command. Libby is fast with range because of her height but Lance has more strength.

"Pitiful," Eric says from beside me, drawing my gaze away from the fight. I turn to look at him, his attention fixed on the fight before he glances at me.

"They're each playing to their strengths well I think," I say and turn back to see Libby dodge a punch and go for Lances ribs. She gets to close though and doesn't back out fast enough getting caught by Lance. The fight will be over soon.

"Do the same, you're faster, but instead don't get caught " Eric says squeezing my shoulder before walking to the board and circling Lances name as Lauren drags an unconscious Libby off of the mat and hands her to Rachel and Abby to take to the ER.

"Next Cooper and Evee," Lauren says. I swallow and make my way to the mat.

I stand ready and size Cooper up. He's larger than me and has more muscle. I'm lighter and faster. I'm going to have to hit him in weak spots quickly and evade his attacks for the most part if I want to win. He smirks, as he looks me up and down, obviously assuming an easy win. Good, let him underestimate me.

"Start." Lauren calls out and I don't waste a second, striking first. I rush in and jab my hand into Coopers throat. As he chokes I deliver a swift punch to his sternum, knocking the wind out of him. He wheezes and swings out to try and knock me in the head. I duck and aim a punch at his side under his ribs. I get my punch in and swiftly move back to evade as he tries to grab me. He punches out again towards my head and as I dive again for his other side I see him smile and know I'm in trouble. He leans his shoulder down and rams it into my nose, knocking me off balance. I feel blood running from my nose as he then tackles me to ground, pinning me down. I struggle underneath him but he traps my legs. He sends punch after punch to my ribs and stomach. Blood runs down my face from where his shoulder hit my nose, which was probably broken. Each punch hurts more than the last. He pauses in the midst of the beating and leans down and whispers in my ear "Should have listened better to the psycho" I glare feeling rage bubble up inside me and struggle against him. He must have heard Eric speaking to me before the fight. I needed to think, I was trapped and pinned, I wasn't strong enough to get out of his grip. What other strength did I have? Suddenly it hit me.

"Maybe you're right," I purred into his ear and licked up the side of his neck, trying not to gag as I did so. I felt him freeze, his grip loosening. I ripped my hands free and sent a powerful punch to the side of his head. Cooper yelped and fell off of me. Before he could recover I jumped up and kicked him a few times in the ribs to keep him down, then jumped on top of him and began to beat his face in, loosing track of how many punches I threw. This cocky asshole deserved a beating.

"Enough!" Eric's voice boomed, I stopped mid punch and shook myself out of the haze of rage. I look down in horror at the bloodied face beneath me. I scramble backwards off of him. I could've stopped, I should've stopped. I didn't loose control, I wanted to keep hitting him and that scared me. I had made the decision to continue to hit him. I looked up to see Lance dragging a semi-conscious Cooper off the mat. The blood is still running down my face from my nose as I walk off the mat.

"Come over here," Eric growls as he grabs my elbow and drags me towards chairs against the wall of the room. "Lauren get the next two up there." Lauren nods and turns back to the initiates as Eric throws me into a seat and opens up a first aide kit.

"I'm sorry, I know that was overboard," I say as he begins to wipe the blood from my face. His hands are surprisingly gentle. He's silent and finishes wiping me up before grabbing my chin and turning my head side to side.

"It's broken but easily resettable," he says and lifts his hand to the bridge of my nose. "On the count of three." I give a small nod and suddenly his hand jerks before he even begins counting.

"Three," he says with a smirk. I gasp as the pain sears through me and tears well in my eyes.

"Thank you," I say as I wipe my eyes.

"You need to be more controlled," he says not looking up as he puts away the supplies. I can see his hands clenched tight when he closes the first aid box and notice his jaw is extremely tense. He's pissed and I can't tell exactly why.

"It wasn't about control," I say softly. He pauses and looks up at me.

"He made me angry and I took getting back at him too far," I say and shake my head looking down.

"He deserved it?" Eric said and I looked up at him and shook my head.

"Yes but not as far as I took it," I say.

"Then next time only take it as far as he deserves," Eric says before standing up and walking away. I sit for a moment a bit stunned before I glance back at the fight to see Danny has won but just barely. Nic has already been sent to the ER and Lauren is patching up Danny.

I let out a sigh and decide its time to head to lunch. I eat quickly and decide to go back to the dorm to relax before we have to meet back up for training. When I get back to the training room those of us who haven't been sent to the ER are told to practice our accuracy with pistols. We do it until dinnertime.

I go to dinner and sit with the other Dauntless born. Everyone besides Libby is there. We all eat in silence, no one wanting to discuss having had to beat each other up today. Cooper looks awful and I feel the pull of guilt in my stomach. I did that to him. And for what? Because he called Eric a psycho? It didn't make sense to me. I shouldn't care that much.

After dinner I make my way to Eric's office. I knock on the door and wait. "Come in," he says gruffly.

I walk in and shut the door behind me. Eric simply points to a stack of papers on the edge of his desk and I get to it sitting on the couch by the door. There's more to file than there was the other day. I work for about an hour before Eric suddenly stands up from his desk and walks over to the couch and sits down, picking up a book from the coffee table and flipping it open. I stare at him for a moment before he glances at me and raises an eyebrow questioningly. I return my attention to the papers in front of me. At least twenty minutes pass before I'm done and get up to put the files in the cabinet. I turn back around to see Eric staring at me.

"I'm curious, what did Mr. Baldwin do to deserve his beating today," Eric says and I flinch.

"It was just something he said at breakfast," I say, trying to avoid the question. And in the fight, I think to myself. "May I go now?" I ask and he nods. I open the door and begin to walk out.

"Wait, you may go," Eric says, standing and crossing his arms over his chest and I can't help but notice the way his muscle ripple under his shirt. "But first give me a straight answer."

I pause for a second and consider my choices. "He called you a psycho," I say and see confusion pass across Eric's face. "Good night," I say quickly and shut the door behind me. I decide to make my way to the ER and see how Nic is doing.

I doesn't take me long. I ask the nurse at the front which room he's in and she points down the hall. "Last room on the right, Dear," I nod and thank her before heading down that way.

When I get to Nic's room he's asleep. I cringe at the damage. He face resembles Cooper's, black and blue. His arm has been put in a sling and a bandage wrapped around his head. I walk over and take a seat in the chair by his bed, being careful to be quiet and not wake him. I sit there for about ten minutes before he begins to stir.

"Hey," he says with a weak smile, his voice cracking slightly. "You mind handing me that glass of water there."

"Of course," I say and grab the glass letting him drink his fill before placing it back on the table.

"Well I lost," he says with a sigh.

"Hey," I say punching his arm gently, "You held your own against Danny, he's probably the most skilled fighter out of the lot of us."

"Yeah I guess so," he says and then looks at me seriously. "What was that today Evee? I know Cooper can be a jerk but I've never seen that look on your face as you beat him to a pulp."

I look down ashamed. "I don't know. He just made me mad today. It wasn't like I became unaware of what I was doing. I wanted to hit him that much. It scared me."

Nic's brow furrow's then suddenly shoot up as he comes to some realization. "Evee it's five years," he says softly. I look down. I had ignored it all day. "Maybe that's the reason you overreacted?"

"Maybe," I mumble. I'd been trying not to think about it. Today was five years since my mother had jumped. I didn't want to think about it. I hadn't all day. I'd just pushed it down. I would have my moment later tonight once everyone was asleep.

"Well," Nic says trying to break the silence. "I think it's about time for me to be discharged. I just have a concussion and a shoulder pulled out of the socket. No fighting for a bit for me. Wanna ask the nurse if I'm free to go?"

"Sure thing," I say, smiling as I walk to the door and peer out of the room trying to find a nurse. I'm surprised to see Eric speaking to one about ten feet down the hall.

"I'm here to give the all clear for discharging any initiates that are able to return to their dorms," he says and the nurse looks through the charts on her clipboard.

"Well all of them are free to go but there are conditions on when some of them may fight again," she says and hands Eric a few papers. "I'll let the other nurses know." Eric nods and then his eyes shift my direction. I quickly bounce back into the room, hoping he hadn't seen me. I was not ready for the questions he probably had about our last conversation.

Nic is looking at me confused when I finally turn back around. "Well you're free to go," I say with a smile.

"Sounds good, you go on ahead Evee, just know if you're not back by 1:00 I'll come looking for you," he says, a soft look of understanding in his eyes. I nod before heading back to the dorm.

When I get back some of the initiates are already passed out in bed. I grab my toiletries and shower quickly. I walk back into the room. Making sure no one is awake or watching. I grab a bottle from my bag and quickly make my way towards the chasm.

I sit, my legs hanging off the edge as I bring the bottle of vodka up to my lips. I cringe a bit at the burn of the alcohol. I'm use to it though. I've been sneaking out here for the past four years, making it a tradition. A toast to my mom and my one moment a year to grieve and let it all out so I could function every other day of the year. I've been here for about an hour and was definitely feeling the buzz of the alcohol.

"I don't understand," I whisper to myself. "You were so happy, we all were. We had a good life. Why would you leave us? Why would you leave me?"

For the first year I had been angry. I had been so mad that she had left me, two weeks before my birthday. That she had left me with my dad who became a wreck. At the age of 11 that was a lot to deal with, I'd had to grow up fast. After the first year I had just been sad and I missed her. It was that year that I had decided to begin coming to the chasm. Alcohol hadn't become part of the tradition until just last year.

"I miss you mom," I say softly, a tear falling down my face as I take another swig.

"Alcohol and the chasm don't mix well, initiate," he says.

I close my eyes and exhale slowly. Of course he'd show up. It was just my luck. My quiet time of mourning and he was going to interrupt it.

"It's okay I was just leaving," I say standing up angrily. I wobble a bit but am steady enough to walk past him. His hand shoots out to grab my arm and stop me, turning me back around to face him.

"Didn't say you have to leave," he says and my tearful eyes meet his. He's eyes are unreadable, a mixture of emotions that I can't identify. Slowly he grabs the bottle from my hand and lifts it up, taking a huge gulp. He then walks back over to the bridge and sits down. I pause for a moment before going back to sit by him.

"It's five years today," I say after a bit. He doesn't say anything just hands the bottle back to me. I take another swig. I can definitely feel the alcohol now. My gaze is fuzzy and my head heavy.

"What was she like," Eric asks simply. I'm floored by his questioned. I decide not to over analyze his intentions though.

"She was great. She was strong and sweet all at the same time. She taught me respect, loyalty. She taught me how to stand up for myself and to stand up for those who couldn't. She loved unconditionally, loyal to a fault. She taught me so much," I say trailing off a bit then laugh, "She was a bit bullheaded though."

"Sounds a lot like you," Eric says with a chuckle and I laugh with him.

"I really miss her," I say with a sigh and slump against Eric, welcoming his warmth against cold air of the chasm. I lean my head against his shoulder, I feel him stiffen slightly. The alcohol must be clouding my judgment. I would never have cozied up to Eric like this on any other occasion.

"Tell my why you wailed on Connor," Eric says after a moment.

"I already told you," I mumble drunkenly.

"That's not enough," he says

"You're an ass but not a psycho, there's more to you than that. He shouldn't have said it," I say and he remains quiet. "She shouldn't have left." I mummer.

I feel myself start to drift off, the alcohol making me sleepy. As I slip off into darkness I'm vaguely aware of strong hands picking me up and a voice whispering, "She didn't want to."