The Gift of Memories

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Chapter 1

It was obvious! The universe was out to make Kathryn Janeway lose her proverbial Federation cool. It all started in the mess hall, involving an ensign and a breakfast tray. She had felt the clumpy green type of porridge, Neelix was serving that day, slide inside the collar of her uniform. Not exactly the best feeling first thing in the morning.

The poor ensign had looked at her, anguish all over his face, apologizing at profusion. The silence in the mess hall was deafening. Putting her hand up, Kathryn had stopped the ensign's stuttering and without a word had gone back to her quarter for a quick shower and a replicated new uniform. No ice cream or indulgence of any type for a while, she just had enough rations left for coffee.

Remembering the green blob she had worn and washed, she decided to go directly to the bridge, she didn't have time left for breakfast anyway… only 17 minutes before Alpha Shift.

*No… the universe is not out to get me" she thought again "it's just playing naughty" She smiled to herself thinking this might be an opportunity to have coffee with Chakotay in her ready room. She just realized that it had been over a week since they had a meal together. For that matter, she couldn't recall a single friendly conversation with him during the last week or so.

She felt better at the prospect of spending some time with her closest friend. He always had that effect on her. The turbolift halted announcing the bridge and the door opened. Tuvok was sitting in her chair and Chakotay was nowhere to be seen.

"Good Morning Mr. Tuvok, Status"

"Good morning Captain. The report from Beta shift is on your desk."

The hissing sound of the Turbolift door distracted her. Chakotay came on the bridge. He was having a bad hair day and dark circles under his eyes told her that he hadn't got much sleep the night before.

"Good Morning Commander" she said amicably, forgetting her trouble and added softly for his ear only. "Bad night?"

Without a hint of enthusiasm Chakotay mumbled. "Good Morning Captain" He sat at his chair and started working at his console.

Kathryn was surprised. He was never short with her, with the crew on a few occasion maybe, but with her he would always find it in himself to smile and be friendly to her. With a sigh, Kathryn sat down. He was all business, face closed, obviously didn't want to talk to her, or anyone for that matter. She wasn't going to even to get a smile out of him. *Forget friendly coffee*.

By lunchtime, Kathryn had a splitting headache. Nothing much was happening in that part of space or on Voyager for that matter. The bridge crew was efficient and as professional as usual, but the spark was missing. Tom had not cracked a joke all morning, and Chakotay had retreated to his office, going over reports, arbitrating trifling arguments between crewmembers, and filing requests for personnel from every department on the ship. By the time he came back to the bridge his mood was even more sombre, his body language screamed "don't mess with me".

Mid-afternoon came and went and Kathryn couldn't stand it anymore, getting up from her chair; she started walking towards her ready room.

"Commander, would you please join me in my ready room."

Reaching the door she turned around to see him lift his eyes as to address the Spirits.

*Oh, oh! This is going to be touchy…* she thought to herself.

Upon entering, she sat behind her desk, him on the other side.

"Yes… Captain, do…"

"Chakotay, would…"

They started at the same time. Smiling at him, she started again.

"Chakotay, you really don't look like yourself, would you like to be relieved of duty. You look like you could use some rest."

"Playing Commander, Captain. I'm usually the one saying these words… to you. I'll give you a Captain's answer then, I'm fine." He pointed out, a hint of a smile on his lips… a painful one."

Her smile was genuine. "Turnabout is only fair Commander. No really Chakotay, why don't you go back to your quarters and get some rest."

Rubbing a hand over his tired face he added. "If you don't mind, I'd prefer to finish my shift. I can rest this evening."

Kathryn got up and walked around her desk, half sitting on the edge of it, a few inches from him. He shifted in his chair, adding to the distance between them. She lost her smile.

"What is it Chakotay? Would you like to talk about it now… or maybe we could have diner together…"

"No really Captain, nothing wrong, and if you don't mind I will pass on diner, as I said I'll go to bed early tonight." He hadn't used her name like he would when they were alone and addressing more personal issues. When they were just friends…

"Really Chakotay. I'd like to help if you tell me what's wrong."

Chakotay looked at her, she saw anger starting to show in his eyes and then it was gone, replace by an almost serene sadness. What was wrong with him?

"Really Captain, nothing is wrong. I haven't slept well for the last few days. A good night sleep and I'll be fine by morning."

Kathryn searched his eyes. He was avoiding hers. She needed to know, needed to be there for him. It was a perfectly normal feeling after the many times he had been there for her.

"Would you like to talk about what's keeping you from sleeping",

"Not really..." One look at her and he knew he had to give her something or she wouldn't leave him alone. "Let's just say it has to do with facing things I don't want to face, but having no choices in facing them."

She let out a humourless laugh. "If you have to resort to parables, it must be that you really don't want to talk about it with me… have you considered talking to someone else." It hurt her to say these words. She wanted to be the one he would turn to, as his closest friend she expected it.

He straightened his shoulder and looking at the wall added in a firm voice. "There's nothing to talk about, Captain. Really. I'll be fine."

She surrendered. Being there for him also meant not forcing him when he obviously didn't want to open up to her. She'd have to be patient.

She decided on a change of tactic. "I won't push the issue Commander; I hope you will feel better soon. In the meantime, anything you want to discuss… the incessant demands of our crew, for example". She added in a smile.

His expression softened a bit. "Nothing I can't take care of… requests for different quarters, personality conflicts, the usual everyday part of the job."

"And being the unofficial counsellor of the ship doesn't help either" Kathryn said putting a hand on his arm.

He quickly pulled his arm away as if his skin burned. She straightened up and went back behind the desk. Obviously, he had hurt her feelings. He got no satisfaction from hurting her but knew he couldn't stand her touching him… he wasn't being fair, but he didn't feel like being fair. After all she was the source of his problem, even if she wasn't aware she was.

The following day, the Commander was in a better mood, at least he was acting the part. The smile he had attached to his face could not hide the fatigue and was as fake as Q's humility. They were in her ready room; they had just finished addressing ship's business, when she tried to reach to him a second time, but only to get the same answer. Everything was fine he told her.

"Again Chakotay, I won't force you to talk about what troubles you… I feel like I would have to use a phaser to open that metaphoric can you keep the lid so tight on." She said with a laugh in her voice, hoping to help his mood with humour.

"Is that a threat Captain" His voice cold and uncooperative.

She looked at him, a genuine affection in her eyes. "No Chakotay… I'm just worried about you. Call it a friendly concern and as a friend I want to ease things for you… that is if you can remember that we are friends."

She saw this jaw tightening even more, accentuating the harsh lines on the corner of his mouth, he stood up and looking at the wall he asked. "I've completed my reports Captain… can I be dismissed".

He knew he was being childish. He could also see the hurt and disappointment on her face. He just couldn't talk to her... he couldn't tell her…

She snapped back. "Very well Commander, dismissed".

The next few days, Kathryn had a hard time keeping from interfering. Patience was an over rated virtue in her book. She hated waiting. Really, really, hated it. She looked at him go through the motions of is daily work. His attitude with the crew, with her… he was acting at being ok, but he wasn't fooling her one bit, she was the one who invented acting Ok.

What was the matter with him… why wasn't he opening up to her? What could be so wrong that he couldn't talk to her about it?

She left him alone for over a week, but enough was enough. One night, after he had refused her invitation… once more… she tracked him down to his quarters. When she came in, he was sitting on the floor his medicine bundle opened in front of him.

"Am I interrupting your vision quest Chakotay?"

"Don't worry Captain. I don't see the point anymore… I don't know why I insist on trying." And looking as if he had been caught with a slip of the tongue he continued.

"How may I help you, Captain."

So far instinct had told her something was wrong, this new information only confirmed what she thought. She couldn't remember Chakotay not being able to go on a vision quest.

"It's Kathryn, we're off duty Chakotay. I'm looking into my friend. If you don't mind then, I'll sit down with you and we could chat a bit…"

Without waiting she sat down on the floor right in front of him.

"You've told me over a week ago that everything was fine, but obviously you're lying to me…'' She lowered her eyes, rubbing her hands together; this was not easy for her to say.

''There can be only two reasons for that… either it's embarrassing and we've share embarrassment before… or'' she hesitated for a second ''I'm the source of what's troubling you."

As soon as the words were out, he stood up and started pacing…

"Really Captain, what on earth are you imagining…"

She interrupted him, having seen the answer on his face.

"That's it Chakotay… it's me… just tell me what I did and I'll fix it… I promise…" She felt troubled at the idea that she had done something wrong by him.

"Really Captain, are you so full of yourself to think you could be the only reason I could be troubled…" Realizing his slip, he quickly added: "that is if I was troubled which I'm not."

She lowered her head to hide the pain she felt at his word.

"No need to be hurtful Commander."

"If that's what it takes for you to leave me alone, then…"

She stood up saying… "Dammit Chakotay, what's wrong, what did I do…" She was in his face waiting for an answer.

That was more than he could deal with and started yelling at her…

"Just leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you or anyone else. I'm doing my job, you can't complain about my performance as your XO, which, as far as I'm concerned, is the only part of me you concern yourself with. As for my PERSONAL wellbeing, I just want to be left alone. Everybody else seems to understand that, but you Captain. Just you leave me the hell alone." He screamed at her before turning around and storming out of his quarters.

To say she was shocked by the outburst was an understatement. He had never yelled at her and she was even more confused because he didn't look angry at all, he looked defeated somehow.

It had to stop now. She was tired of tiptoeing around him.

This conversation is not over, buster, she thought to herself. I'm going to get to the bottom of what's eating you, whether you like it or not.

She was standing in the living area of his quarters. Funny that he stormed out of HIS quarters… probably habits. They met in her quarters or her ready room most of the time.

She looked around his quarters, her desire to find an answer stronger than her sense of discretion. The sand paintings, his rock collection, above the bed, his medicine wheel, everything seemed to be the same and in place. She moved to his bathroom, everything was tidy. She spotted a bottle of aftershave on a shelf under the mirror and couldn't keep herself from opening it. The smell reminded her how she missed him.

A bathrobe on a hook just outside the shower… his scent again. She wrapped her face in the robe. She missed his smile and his voice. Her eyes open wide. She had just realized what had been missing for the last few days… she missed his love, his tenderness. She was certain she was his problem.

But why, why now… Think Kathryn… Think.