TW: Domestic Violence

Chapter 18

A white cotton blanket was haphazardly spread across Shelby as she lay, spiritless, in a hard hospital bed. The baby blue, paper thin gown the nurse had helped her put on made her olive-toned skin look dangerously wan. The bruises on her face seemed, to Cassandra, to darken with every passing moment, though she was sure her fixation on them was making them appear worse. After questioning, Shelby had been given a soft sedative to ease her anxiety and she had fallen asleep before Cassandra, Holly, Santana and Rachel could make it across town. The roles of Shelby and Cassandra had been reversed so recently that Cassandra felt whiplash walking into the room.

"Shelby," Cassandra whispered, falling, disheartened, into the visitor's chair beside the bed. "I should have listened to you, I shouldn't have kept you for so long...I'm so sorry…."

"Don't let him make you feel like this is your fault," Rachel said curtly. "You didn't do this to her."

"Let's just hope they don't let him off easy," Santana said, wrapping a protective arm around Rachel's waist. "He deserves to rot."

Sophie, who was curled up in the tight space of the seat in the windowsill, hugged her knees to her chest tightly, listening to the others but unable to speak as she stared at her mother in shock. She felt ashamed and frustrated with herself for not realizing something was wrong sooner. She was so often focused on herself that the constant tension between her parents-their lack of ability to tolerate each other, the glimpses of occasional fear in Shelby's eyes-had all registered but were mostly overlooked. Sophie heard multiple arguments replaying in her mind, closing her eyes and visualizing every subtle movement Shelby made to keep her distance from Garrett, remembering each sarcastic quip between the two of them and every time her mother had worn long sleeves in hot weather. Sophie knew her parents had never gotten along, and she knew that Shelby had only stayed around to be a mother for her, but this was so much worse than Sophie had thought. Shelby had always been a tad bit on the dramatic side, even for Sophie, but Shelby had so recently tried to warn her.

And I didn't listen to her. Sophie put her face into her knees and closed her eyes tightly, fighting the pressure headache that was pounding at her temples.

Holly noticed Sophie's discomfort, but not knowing her very well, kept her distance. She didn't want to push her until she was ready to talk, but she was dying to know what had been going down in that house aside from what Shelby noticed, and she was worried for Sophie's fragile emotional state. Her maternal instincts kicking in, Holly bit her bottom lip in thought, resisting the urge to speak. She offered the young girl a soft, sympathetic smile and for a small moment they caught each other's gaze. The corner of Sophie's lips turned up half-heartedly in recognition. It wasn't a smile, but Holly couldn't blame her for that.

Sophie tried to remind herself to take deeper breaths. She wasn't sure what to do, given that she was supposed to be moving in a week. She wasn't comfortable leaving Shelby all alone in that apartment even with Garrett in police custody, but she knew her mother wouldn't let her defer from the program either. Shelby would insist, she knew, on staying in the apartment since her name was on the lease.

Her chest tightened and loosened with every breath she tried to take as she watched her mother sleep. She'd already been to the bathroom a couple of times on the verge of vomiting, tears constantly wetting her face, and she had surrendered hours ago to the tissue box in the room, keeping it next to her on the window seat for good measure.

She did this for me. She did this for me and all I've ever done is ignore her and sass her and be bitter towards her. I wasted so much time thinking she loved Cassandra more than me and she sacrificed everything for me and now look at where we are.

"Sophie?" Holly finally spoke, unable to help herself. Sophie snapped her head towards Holly, startled. "Honey, I'm going to go down to the cafeteria to get some coffee, would you like anything? Have you eaten?"

Sophie shook her head slowly, staring Holly up and down. The last time the two of them had met had not been pleasant- Holly had even threatened her out of anger towards Shelby- and at this point in the game Sophie wasn't sure who she could trust with anything. Besides her mom. On the ride to the hospital from the library she had been trying to come up with something to say to Holly as she knew she'd be running into her, but she had no such luck with the gears in her mind grinding a billion miles per second.

"No to which part, sweetheart?" Holly asked. Her tone implied that Sophie was breakable. Like a glass figurine. Sophie wasn't offended by it, though, and couldn't help but feel strangely comforted by this woman that she didn't even know. It didn't matter how kind Holly was to her though, Sophie decided, because she didn't want anything to do with her. At least not for right now.

"Both," Sophie croaked, coughing at the crack in her voice. "But thanks anyway." she added, just in case Holly and Shelby were friends again or something. She didn't want to be rude if it was unnecessary, and despite the fact that it had been hours since she had anything to eat or drink, she couldn't fathom the idea. She turned her attention back to her mother, just longing to talk to her. To wrap her up in the tightest embrace and protect her like Shelby had been trying to do for her for so many years.

When Shelby woke hours later, Sophie was asleep against the window. Cold autumn rain pattered against it and its rhythm had relaxed her enough to give her a few hours of peace. Holly had returned with a croissant and small iced coffee for the girl, even though she'd claimed she didn't need anything. It sat next to her on a table for when she woke up, and Holly had requested another blanket for Sophie, which she had burritoed around herself in her slumber.

Shelby took a heavy breath and blinked as she surveyed the room. She didn't know what there was to say, so she stayed silent. The whole room was uncomfortably quiet, each person deep in thought. Cassandra, who had been staring out the window, caught her eye and then mouthed a silent apology, her eyes immediately burning with tears, unable to actually voice it out loud. Shelby shook her head. This wasn't Cassandra's fault. She locked eyes with Rachel across the room and offered a half smile but Rachel wasn't smiling- she looked worried and tired. Everybody did. Shelby swallowed hard, wincing at the discomfort of her sore muscles and sensitive skin. She had really done it this time.

A nurse entered, having noticed from the doorway that Shelby was awake.

"Ms. Corcoran, how are you feeling?" she asked, breaking the silence so the others wouldn't have to.

Shelby sat up and stretched, scrunching her nose. "I'm okay," she whispered in response.

"We originally wanted to keep you overnight to make sure you are all good to go home and not have any adverse effects later, but I know you've been sleeping since you got here so you are well rested. We just got the results back from checking your injuries. You don't have any signs of a concussion or anything from today's events, and all of your testing came back clear, so we will likely release you later tonight if you are okay with that. Of course if you are more comfortable staying here, you are welcome to and we can release you in the morning. We did notice that you have a lot of scars...did you talk with the special victims unit so they could add those to the case?"

Shelby nodded. "I told them everything," she said.

The nurse nodded back. "Do you have a way to get home tonight if we release you?"

"I can take her home," Cassandra offered quickly. It was the first time Shelby heard her voice since she'd left Cassandra's apartment. Shelby blinked rapidly, processing information. Where was home? Her apartment with Sophie? She worried she would not feel safe going back there, but all of her stuff was there and so was Sophie's. She figured she would at least have to stay there until the end of the month, or until she could find a different apartment. A fresh start.

She looked up, realizing that the nurse was waiting for her approval. Shelby blinked again. "If Cassie says she can take me that will be fine," she agreed. "Or I can call a taxi. I will make it home."

The nurse spoke up again, "The offer of doing the rape kit is still on the table for you as well, before you leave."

"He was not successful in raping me, as I told the special victims unit," Shelby's tone hardened a little. Cassandra closed her eyes and took a slow breath, shaking at the thought.

He wasn't successful. So he tried to.

"I understand, Ms. Corcoran. We just want you to know that there is no shame in being tested if this has happened to you. It would help the police put him away. If you wait, the test cannot be done."

"I understand," Shelby said, wringing her hands together. "But a test would be pointless, because I was not raped. I was sexually abused, but not…" she took a deep breath, finding her wording. "My chest was the only part of me sexually affected." I got lucky.

"Very well, then. I will get a waiver for you to sign and I will be back in a little bit with your discharge papers, okay?"

"Thank you," Shelby said, no longer making eye contact. Once the nurse left she kept her gaze down, not wanting to see the looks on anyone's face. She glanced carefully over at Sophie, who was luckily still fast asleep.

Cassandra was the one to break the added tension. "I'm not letting you and Sophie stay in that apartment by yourselves. Holly or I will stay with you, if you'll let us."

Assuming it was something that Cassandra and Holly had discussed while she slept, Shelby nodded without protest. As unnerving as it would be at times to have Holly in the apartment with her, she wasn't in a place to argue against having company.

"San and I could stay a night too, if you wanted," Rachel offered, taking a chance to spend more time around her mother, regardless of the unfortunate circumstance. Again, Shelby nodded, before whispering a soft,

"Thank you."

Although she knew there was no shame in being attacked, she was heavily embarrassed in front of the women she used to be able to call her family. She had never wanted Cassandra, Rachel, Santana or Holly to feel like they had to take care of her. She hadn't wanted them to feel obligated to help her after the hell she had put them through. Especially since she had been trying to take control of the situation and lost. This wasn't how things in New York were supposed to turn out and the last thing she wanted was for them to feel like she was taking advantage of them. She had burdened them enough in the past eleven years and a fresh start wasn't supposed to feel this...awful.

"I feel sick," Shelby whispered.

Holly jumped up from her seat so quickly that her jacket got caught and nearly pulled her back down. "Do you want me to get the nurse?" she asked, pulling her jacket off and throwing it to the side in case she needed to move fast.

Shelby shook her head. "No, it's not that kind of...why are you here?" she asked the question with hurt in her voice. "Why are you helping me so much?"

"What do you mean?" Holly asked, brushing her blonde hair behind her ear, stuttering and crossing her arms guardedly over her chest. "You're my best friend, I-"

Shelby shook her head. "Don't give me that, no I'm not. Cassie is your best friend, I lost that title a long time ago and I don't deserve your help. Just because Garrett finally snapped doesn't mean you owe me anything." she looked around. "Any of you. It's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just that-"

"I get it," Holly said softly. "Believe me, I do. And besides Garrett, there is no one in this world that I am more mad at than you. Trust me. But that's something we can work out later. Right now you need us, so we're here."

"Yeah and where the hell was I when you all needed me?" Shelby stated.

"You are a victim of abuse, Shelby, you don't see the severity of the situation because you're in the middle of it, but-" Cassandra tried to intervene but Shelby cut her off.

"No. No, I'm not playing the victim," she shook her head, readjusting the hospital gown as the sleeve tried to fall down her shoulder.

"We know that, Shelby," Holly said tiredly. "We're not saying-"

"Do you really know that? Or are you just saying that to me right now because I'm fragile?" she deadpanned. "In a week when this isn't fresh on all of our minds will you still feel the same? Are you willing to forgive and forget and let us try to work through things or are you saying that to me right now because none of us know how to feel or what to do? Because I don't want to put any of us through that again if we get reattached to each other. None of us can handle-" her voice cracked. "That." she finished, looking back down at her hands. She continued to wring them in her lap and for a while, nobody spoke because they knew she had a point.

"It's a little too late, I think, for the reattached part," Rachel said gently, glancing over at Cassandra. "Besides, if we are able to be reattached without meaning to...doesn't that mean we're all probably meant to be in each others' lives? Even if it means working through difficult feelings?"

There was a pause where Shelby collected herself. "Yes. I suppose you're right," she said. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Rachel shook her head. "You had every right to ask."

Sophie woke upon hearing everyone's voices throughout the room, locking eyes with Shelby immediately. "Mom," she said, sucking in a breath. "I'm so sorry he did this to you," she stood from her position and moved to hug her mother. "I'm so, so sorry I let him manipulate me."

"You don't get to be sorry either, Soph," Shelby said. "I mean it. He manipulated me, too. More than you know."

Sophie shuddered at the realization. She had missed almost everything that the group had been discussing, which was for the best, Shelby figured, at least for now. Sophie glanced behind her to sit back down and took note of the coffee and the croissant waiting for her. With a small lip bite of gratitude, she picked up the pastry and started to pick off little bites at a time. Although she wasn't sure what she was hungry for, she was starting to feel faint. She made eye contact with Holly who gave her a little nod.

"I'll stay the first night," Holly offered. "Unless you would rather it be Cassie?"

Shelby felt uncomfortable making any kind of decision regarding help. She looked to Cassandra with her mouth slightly open, unsure how to respond. Holly was acting so different and she wanted to welcome it, but she also longed for the comfort of Cassandra's embrace.

"I want to stay with them first if it's okay, Hol," Cassandra interjected. "You can take tomorrow or the next day?"

"They're watching us? In shifts?" Sophie asked, scrunching her nose a bit distastefully. "For what?"

Holly stifled a soft laugh. "We aren't watching you, not necessarily. And if Shelby doesn't want us there we don't have to be there. It's more for comfort. Of not feeling alone in the house that she was- well…" she let her statement die on her lips. "Even with you there, Sophie," she started again. "There is safety in numbers."

"I guess that makes sense," Sophie agreed, still slightly put off but knowing that her mother would appreciate getting to be with her and Cassandra or Holly or Rachel at the same time. To not feel like she had to choose between them as much anymore. She would be busy packing anyways, so it would probably be smart for Shelby to have someone else around. Not that Sophie felt much like leaving her mother's house anymore.

She turned her attention back out the window and lost focus as she went through information in her head, trying to organize facts as they came to her and sort out her priorities. She started her classes at school in a matter of days and she was meant to move into the dorm the next day. They had already paid her first deposit to live on the campus because her classes were so late that they'd decided it wasn't worth the commute and it was time for her to be out on her own for a while. The circumstances had changed, though.

Do I call the school and defer a semester? It might be too late for that. Do I try to get out of my dorm lease? I don't want to leave her alone… Sophie looked around the room, her heart feeling bitter regardless of her begging it not to. She knew there was a part of her that really just didn't want them to be the only people with her. She felt cheated out of her mother's love and attention and she wanted to be the one there for her. Not Cassandra. Not Rachel. Not Holly.

"Let's get you home, Mom," Sophie looked at Shelby, who seemed like she didn't really want to go anywhere, especially not back to that house. "Unless you'd rather stay here?"

Shelby hesitated, then shook her head. "I don't want to take up a bed that someone might need." she shifted to the edge of the bed and looked around for her clothes before realizing that she probably didn't have an outfit to put back on. It was ripped up, and they would have taken it for evidence since she was assaulted. Even if they hadn't, there wasn't much material left to try and put on. She let out a long breath.

Cassandra studied Shelby's expression, and took note of her shaky tone. "Would you rather come back to our place tonight? Would you be more comfortable not-"

"She needs to be home in her own bed," Sophie cut Cassandra's question off and fought the urge to roll her eyes. "I knew you were going to ask that."

"Sophie, you have every reason to be upset and every reason to dislike me," Cassandra said, pressing her lips together. "But being back in that house is going to be hard for her-"

"Why don't you let her determine what is hard for her?" Sophie snapped, looking to her mother. "Mom?"

Shelby, barely listening, looked up and said quietly. "I don't have any clothes."

Of course she doesn't, why didn't we think about that? Cassandra sighed, contemplating.

"I could run home and grab you something? Or maybe the hospital gift shop has a pair of sweatpants and a jacket you could wear until we can get you out of here, yeah?" she said, thinking on her feet.

Shelby nodded softly. "I feel gross. I want to shower or take a bath or something."

Rachel chewed at her lower lip, feeling that it was getting raw. Santana wrapped a comforting arm around her and she laid her head on Santana's shoulder. She knew that, personally, she would feel better if Shelby just went home with them. She didn't want to fight with Sophie, though, either.

Sophie's jaw tightened. "We can draw you a bath when we get home, Mom," she suggested. "I'll run down to the shop and get you some clothes." She pressed a kiss to her mother's forehead and glanced tentatively back at the rest of the women in the room before slipping out the door.

Holly sucked in her cheeks. This situation was delicate. "Shelbs, what are you most comfortable with? Nobody is going to be upset whichever you decide."

"That's not true, and you know it," Shelby said. "I'll just go home. If you would all feel more comfortable coming with me, you're all more than welcome. We can figure things out tomorrow but right now I just need to take a break. My head hurts."

"What kind of hurt?" Cassandra asked.

"Just. From thinking too much." Shelby amended. "From crying. It's not from hitting it, I'm okay." Her chest constricted and she attempted to take a long, slow, deep breath. It felt shaky and she gripped the sheets on the edge of the bed, feeling the fabric between her fingers and relaxing her shoulders at the slight comfort. She needed to get home, and get some rest in her own bed. She could deal with the mess in the house later, and then help Sophie finish packing, she talked herself through the steps. Her heart slammed against the wall of her chest. "I might need to lie back down," she whispered faintly, letting her body fall back so she was laying on her side.

Cassandra sat against her and ran a gentle hand through her hair, tears trying to form in her eyes but she blinked them away. "What can I do?" she asked.

"I'm being ridiculous," Shelby said. "I've been dealing with him for a long time. I am used to this-"

"Your feelings are valid, and just because you deal with him all the time doesn't mean you've had time to catch up to that damage, Shelby. Do not discredit yourself. Feel what you need to feel, or you will have a much harder time getting through this," Holly interrupted, always the mother of the group. "Take your time. He is gone and you have all the time in the world to do whatever you need to do."

Once she was finally able to sit back up, Shelby said, "Stop being so nice to me. You're only being nice to me because I look like a victim. You hated me a week ago."

"Shelby-" Holly tried.

"No, seriously, Holly. I wanted to be back in your lives and maybe I didn't deserve that but you might as well have told me that outright, and now all of a sudden you miss me because I'm in pain? Why do we keep playing games with each other? I don't want to keep playing games." Shelby blinked as hot tears fell down her cheeks. "I love you and I love Cassandra and I love Rachel but I don't know what to believe right now."

Holly crouched beside Shelby, just next to the hospital bed. "I'm not playing games, Shelbs," she promised, her tone earnest. "I promise. We're going to work through all of our issues and start over. It's going to be a process, I'm not saying it won't. But I'm not playing games anymore and I'm not treating you differently because of what happened to you. I do love you. I hope you know that."

"I know," Shelby whispered. "I'm sorry. I just…"

"I know, it's okay. Don't apologize to me," Holly said. "Really." She squeezed Shelby's hand and helped her sit up again. "Sophie will probably be back soon, do you want to try and walk? How are you feeling?"

"Like I was thrown across a room," Shelby groaned as Holly helped her move to a standing position. The comment gained her wide eyed looks and she smirked. "I was trying to make a joke," she said softly, holding Holly's hands a little tighter.

She felt a collective sigh throughout the room.

"Tough crowd," Shelby said. She took a few steps and winced. "My whole body just feels bruised," she admitted. She was still trying to walk around when Sophie re-entered the room, carrying an oversized hospital sweatshirt and a pair of navy blue drawstring sweatpants.

Sophie set the clothing articles on the bed and pressed her lips together. "You're going to swim in them, but it was the only size they had," she said. "Sorry mom."

"You're okay, sweetheart, I appreciate it," Shelby said, reaching down for the clothing and heading towards the little bathroom of the hospital room. She shut the door behind her so she could change and let out another shaky breath. When she turned around and saw herself in the mirror she sighed. Makeup wasn't going to help her this time. She slowly pulled the thin hospital gown off of her body and then looked up at herself, tears flowing freely down her cheeks.

You let him do this, Shelby, you should have tried harder to get out sooner. She pulled the pair of sweatpants over her legs and tightened the drawstring as tight as they could go. They were still a little big, but they would stay on her hips long enough for her to get home. She brushed a soft hand over her swollen breast. A fingerprint bruise rested near her sternum. He beat you. But did you beat him? He's put away now. Why don't I feel like I won?

She pulled the sweatshirt over her head, feeling small, and crossed her arms over her chest as she walked back out into the main room. Cassandra and Holly had gathered everyone's things up and seemed ready to go. Rachel and Santana kept their distance in the corner and Shelby swallowed, wiping her tears with the sleeve of her new oversized sweatshirt. Are they afraid to break me? She asked herself. She cast them a look and Santana offered a small smile. They just don't know how to talk to me. She concluded. I don't expect them to know what to do. I don't know what to do.

. . .

Shelby swore she could feel Garrett's sharp gaze on her as she stepped carefully into the apartment they were supposed to share. Her breath felt shallow and she closed her eyes to center herself, feeling an unsettling presence in her gut. He's not here, he can't hurt you anymore. It's over. She reminded herself. She heard a thud and watched her keys fall out of her hands and onto the floor at her feet. Her hands had been shaking and she hadn't even realized it.

"We could have you packed in a couple of hours if you wanted," Cassandra offered, watching helplessly. An agonizing moment of silence passed. Cassandra wet her lips and tried once again. "There's no reason to torture yourself...you don't have to be so proud...It's really okay-"

"This is my home," Shelby whispered. "He can't take that away from me, too."

"This is your house. Your apartment. This isn't your home," Cassandra corrected gently. "You could come back to your first home, or we could find you a new apartment if that's what you really wanted."

Shelby stared around the kitchen, knowing that Cassandra was right, but she wasn't ready to admit that kind of defeat, nor was she positive that moving in with Cassandra was the best move for either of them. She considered attempting to break the lease and moving somewhere else. A small apartment where she could self-reflect and try to sort things out in her head. She also wasn't convinced that she was in the right headspace to live alone.

"I really want to sleep," was Shelby's final response. Her tone was not unkind, but it was enough for Cassandra to stop pushing, at least for a little while. The blonde nodded and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Okay. I'll start picking up the kitchen-"

"You don't have to do that," Shelby said, shakily making her way to her bedroom and crawling into her bed. She left the door open and watched Cassandra sit down on the couch in the living room, looking like she was trying to calculate the next step. Shelby sighed. There wasn't a next step. Not for right now.

Sophie sat across from Cassandra, not saying a word about the apartment, because that would mean discussing how it got that way. After a long pause, Cassandra stood, stretching, and looked around to see if there was anything that needed salvaging or restoring to its rightful place. There was plenty, she just wasn't entirely sure where anything was supposed to go. She didn't know this house.

"Do you really want my mom to move in with you?" Sophie asked, figuring that some kind of communication was going to have to be the first move. Cassandra wet her lips, surprised that Sophie was talking to her.

"Um….yeah…" Cassandra said. "Yeah, I really do. I want to start over."

Sophie stood, looking around the room. She straightened a frame on the wall and then laughed at herself for thinking that something so trivial would help make the room look nicer. "And starting over means moving back in with her past? My dad-" she stopped herself and sucked in breath. "Look, he isn't going anywhere for a long time, and especially won't be near mom. There's probably going to be a trial, it will likely take forever, and mom will be safe living by herself. I would stay with her if my school would let me and I considered deferring but I know she'd kill me if I did that…"

"So you admit you want someone to stay with her so badly that you considered deferring school, your dream, to stay with her yourself," Cassandra pointed out, not unkindly. "Are you telling me no because you don't trust me to stay with her? Or because you really think she'll be okay on her own?"

Sophie contemplated what Cassandra was asking her, feeling bested and talked down to, though that was clearly not Cassandra's intention. The question was worth asking, but not one that Sophie really wanted to answer. "Maybe it's a little bit of both," she admitted, crossing her arms over her chest. "I don't know you very well."

"That's fair," Cassandra admitted. "But I know your mother very well."

"Gross," Sophie said, scrunching her nose.

"That isn't what I was talking about, but I guess that's true too…" Cassandra let the tension in the air hang. "Look. I just want what's best for her."

"How would you know what's best for her? You don't know anything about who she is anymore. I do." Sophie argued.

"Look, Sophie, I don't want to fight with you," Cassandra said with an exasperated sigh. "I'm not trying to overstep. You're a smart girl, and you love your mom. I get it. Let's let her decide what she wants when she wakes up. Whatever happens we just need to support her, it isn't about what we think she should do. In the meantime…" she looked around the apartment, feeling hopeless. "In the meantime, let's try to clean up as much of this mess as we can."

Well that's a blanket statement if I've ever heard one, Cassandra thought to herself as she felt the words roll off of her tongue without feeling the implications of them. Her heart fluttered for a moment, nervous that Shelby would pick the option she thought was the most convenient, not the one she really wanted.

Sophie stood and surveyed the room, deciding a truce was what would be the most helpful, at least for now. "Okay. But where do we even start?" she asked.

What a loaded question.