summary: ward is a hopeless teenager, but skye knows just how to set him straight.

author's note: title(s) from the wombat's "our perfect disease".

warnings: swearing, reference to rape/non-consensual sex.

many thanks to teslatricity/nayanroo and cipherpol/punkhazard for the encouragement and guidance. look them up on ao3; you won't regret it (tumblr/ao3).

my cowardice and your bad timing

He doesn't get it.

It's not that he doesn't understand that it's over; their... relationship, if you could call it that, had been built upon silent understandings. The fact that either could end it at any time, hopefully before it impeded on their abilities to perform as agents, was never far from his mind. Honestly, he thought about it a little more than he wanted to, especially as he realized that he more than likely wouldn't be the one ending it.

It's not even that he doesn't understand why now. With Lorelei, with Skye getting shot, with Coulson keeping more secrets than ever, it really was probably for the best to cool things off before their rag-tag team (family, Coulson had said) became even more fractured.

What he doesn't get is why May - Melinda, he can call her whatever he wants in his mind now, now that he doesn't have to worry about slipping - why she seemed so certain that she was doing him a favor. Why she thought he wasn't being honest with himself. Why she thought he'd open up to Lorelei. He doesn't understand why she seemed so damn sad when he left, like this wasn't a choice she wanted to make, not really.

He sits at Skye's bedside, morose and not a little grumpy, while Skye snores away. Tracking his own wayward self down had tuckered her out, and despite all her whining about being bored, she fell asleep shortly after they'd seen Sif off.

("I wanna see it," she'd whined, leaning heavily on Fitz while Simmons held up the IV bag next to them.

"All those YouTube videos did not do it justice. Hey, Fitz, you wanna grab my cell phone to - ?"

"Classified," Coulson had interrupted, and despite her renewed complaints, Skye was smiling when the bifrost opened, the world becoming a haze of light and dust and an unearthly swell of sound. Personally, Ward didn't care too much for the bifrost, or what it meant for humanity, but he'd let Skye have her moment.)

He doesn't know why his feet have led him here, instead of his own bunk, or to the loading bay to pull out the punching bag. Maybe he was hoping Skye was awake, her endless chatter serving as the perfect distraction.

As if she's heard his mindless plea, Skye snorts and wakes.

"Heyyy, dude."

Ward nods, but doesn't speak.

"Everything okay?"

He nods again, attempting to segue into a conversation that sounded normal. "How was your day" wouldn't work, since he knows she spends the bulk of her time cooped up in the same sterile room.

"She broke up with you, didn't she?"

At this, Ward's head shoots up.

"What? No, I'm not, we're not, she didn't, who, what are you talking about?"

"Wow. Real smooth, big guy. Can't believe that ever worked for the Calvary, but okay."

"Don't call her that," his reply is immediate, ingrained at this point.

Skye raises an eyebrow.

"Whatever petnames you have for each other, that's between you two."

"We don't, we're not - " Ward sighs and cuts himself off.

"She didn't break up with me," he starts. "We were never... together enough for her to do that. She said... something weird, and I don't know... I should just let it go. Why I am even telling you this?" He throws his hands up and stands.

"No, stay. An SO and their rookie, it's like a Jedi and their padawan, right?"

"What?" This conversation has taken a strange turn.

"God, please tell me you've seen Star Wars."

Ward's eyebrows scrunch together. "Of course I've seen Star Wars, but - "

"So, the same way I've got to lean on you for support, you have to lean on me. Tete a tete!"

"That's... not really how you use that."

"Whatever. So lean on me, oh Jedi master. If you and May weren't really dating, why are you so bummed that she broke up with you? If you ask me, she's kind of scary. And she did get me kicked off that one time."

"She's not - you don't get it. May is the way she is because she's been through a lot. This is how she survives. She got you kicked off so that you could help us find Coulson. She beat the shit out of Quinn after you got shot, you know. She cares, but she shows it in a very specific way. It's there, if you know how to look for it.

Skye grins, then wilts at the memory of Quinn.

"I'm not bummed. It's just, she said something weird."

"You said that. How was it weird? Was it May weird, or just general women weird? 'Cause you don't strike me as a guy with great lady skills. Sorry," she adds, at Ward's glare.

"Neither. She said that I wasn't being honest with myself, but I was with Lorelei? It didn't make sense."

Skye wrinkles her nose at the mention of Lorelei. "Is there anything weird you might have said to Lorelei that she passed on?"

"I don't know. I don't remember much of my time with her. I know I took her to Vegas, I know we planned on getting rid of Sif on the Bus, and I know we - " Ward cuts off abruptly and looks at the door.

"You know you...? Ohmygod. OhmyGOD. You had sex! You had sex with the crazy witchy alien chick! Holy shit!"

"Calm down." If Ward was anyone else, he might have been wringing his hands. But he was a trained SHIELD operative, and only allows his fingers to twitch. "It's not like I was in my right mind. I don't even remember everything that happened, much less choosing to - you know - with her. Besides, I'm with - or I was with..."

Both of them are silent for a few seconds.

"That's fucked up, man."

Ward sighs. "I mean, it's not like we were in a monogamous relationship or anything - "

"No, not that part. The fact that Lorelei took advantage of you. She basically - "

"Don't say it," Ward holds a hand up. "Please. You sign away your life when you become a SHIELD agent. You kill people, you steal from them, you manipulate them, and you don't ask why. This is just another case that didn't go my way."

Skye pushes herself into a sitting position and glares.

"How can you say that? How can you be okay that an alien took control of your mind and body, and you can't do anything about it? You just move on?"

"That's what Agent Barton had to do," Ward cocks his head. "I know you read all those classified files, so I'm sure you know what happened to him at the Battle of New York. And to Dr. Selvig. And countless other doctors and agents. Their minds were messed with too, and at the end of the day, they had get up and do their jobs. At least May didn't have to cognitively recalibrate me."

Skye falls back onto her bed with a huff and a small wince. "Being a SHIELD agent sucks."

Ward looks down, hiding his smile. It did, sometimes, but then were days when you learned that being the most successful specialist on your own meant nothing compared to being a part of a team, a family.

"So maybe you said something to Lorelei, maybe not. Either way, she definitely said something to May that upset her. As if I needed another reason to want to kick her Asgardian ass," Skye grumbles, opening her laptop.

"Are you really going to blog about this?"

"No," Skye growls, stabbing at the keys, "I'm going to find out what Lorelei said to May."

Ward stands and crosses the small room to Skye's bed.

"You can do that?"

"Seriously? I've already done it," Skye hits a particular key with a smug grin, and a video opens to full screen. It's from a security feed from the main lounge of the Bus, highlighting May's back as Lorelei makes her way towards her.

"Is there sound?"

"Unfortunately, no, Coulson won't spring for audio recordings, but! You are lucky that I have some kickass lip reading software on this baby." Skye strokes the side of laptop lovingly, and hits another key.

Ward watches as Lorelei sashays her way towards May, anticipation building as he waits for the words to appear on the screen.

'The beautiful warrior with a heart of ice.'

All the SHIELD training in the world can't stop his blush.

'He told me who he desired before me. But, my dear... It wasn't you.'

Ward blanches.

"Ouch."

Ward stumbles back to his chair and slumps down.

Skye closes her laptop and pushes it to the side. "So who was it?"

"What?"

"Who did you "desire" that wasn't May?" Skye does the airquotes, but it doesn't help his mood.

"I have no idea - shit. Shit."

Skye grins. "That sounds like an epiphany."

Ward runs his hand through his hair and sighs.

"I'm pretty sure it was the Calvary."

Skye's grin drops off her face. "Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense. May is the Calvary." Skye throws her hand up. "And don't say I can't call her that, because you just did."

"This is not a conversation I should be having with you," he mutters. He swallows hard, then continues. "It's not unusual to have an older agent to model yourself after. You know, beat their best scores, times, learn more weapons. You'd bribe or extort their old mission files from SciOps, memorize their successes, their failures. Before Bahrain, before she became the Calvary…" Ward trails off, remembering how things were when he was rookie, even more clueless than Skye.

"Agent May wasn't anything special. She wasn't like the Black Widow; she didn't have a dark past, she didn't break any records, but even in her files, I knew there was something special about her. She worked well with everyone, but no one really seemed to understand her. She was sharp, and talented, and versatile." Ward's ears are burning. "Hot, too."

Skye is silent, and Ward won't be surprised if she's figured it out. But he needs to say this, needs to recognize this part of himself. Still, he winces before continuing. Skye interrupts before he can figure out the words.

"You fell in love with her."

Ward rubs his hand across his face. "I did," he says softly. "I loved everything about her. After Bahrain, I thought, 'Finally, finally everyone will know what a remarkable agent she is'. But then she went into administration, and I didn't understand. It felt like the person I thought she was didn't exist." Ward shrugs. "I didn't know how I right I was."

"That Agent May was gone."

Ward nods, morose. For all that he complains about Skye being rookie, she does have a way of seeing right through him.

"And now you're in love with with the real May?"

Ward groans. "I don't know! Love, love isn't for SHIELD agents! Being in love with the Calvary, with who May used to be, was easy; I never met her! I don't know how to be in love with a real person." Ward slumps further into the chair, becoming dangerously close to falling out of it. "But none of this matters. May "broke up" with me," he mutters, adding the airquotes and trying desperately to stop feeling like a whiny teenager.

Skye throws a pillow at him. It's an embarrassment to his fabled SHIELD training that he doesn't see it coming. It bounces off his head and falls to his feet.

"Dummy. She only broke up with you because she thinks you're in love with someone else. Some part of you must miss how easy it was to love "old May" and that's what you told Lorelei. So go tell her that you're actually just an emotionally constipated man, and she'll forgive you. Maybe. Oh, and give me back that pillow, these two are not enough."

"This cannot be happening," Ward mutters as he drops the pillow back on Skye's bed. "Skye, I appreciate your concern, but May and I? We're SHIELD agents. In-house relationships aren't just frowned on, they're against protocol. This whole assignment can be disbanded in seconds if someone hears what's been going on. It's not about feelings. Those don't matter." He makes his way to the door. "Get some sleep. Maybe Simmons will let you out of here tomorrow."

"Feelings matter to you." Skye calls out, voice soft. "And they matter to me. And I'm pretty sure they matter to May, or else she wouldn't have called things off if she thought you loved someone else."

Ward rests his hand on the doorknob. Sure, he feels better knowing what had prompted May to act this way, but that doesn't change anything. No matter what Skye says.

"I should have died," she continues. "And if I was a normal SHIELD agent, if this was a normal SHIELD team, I would have. But we're not normal, none of us. We're a family. My first real one," she whispers.

"That's what Coulson said."

Ward makes his way back to Skye's bedside.

"Coulson called us a family too. Back when we thought you were going to - ." Ward shrugs his shoulder, as if unwilling to say the word.

"We are," Skye grabs his hand. "And families are allowed to do crazy things, especially for love."

Ward's hand is limp in her grasp. "It won't be easy."

"Ever, it is not," Skye says solemly.

Ward groans.