What Hurts the Most

Have you ever had something that you desperately wanted? That you craved? Something that seems vital to your very existence? I've had that before, once, back when I was innocent. Before I became what I am today. Hah, listen to me, I sound like Saint Stefan, brooding about my pathetic so called life. Oh well, I've been drinking nonstop since last night, and today's the anniversary. The day she left. The day I drove her away, so I think I'm allowed to brood.

Anyways, where was I? Ahh, yes, the craving to have it as your own, the pure need for something. Or someone, as it was. You'd think after the first time I'd have learned, but no, even after all Katharine put me through, I still went and fell in love again, this time with a pair of sparkly chocolate eyes, lighter than Katherine's near black, filled with love and kindness, not mischievous calculation. There was no contest between the two. She left that bitch so far in the dust it was like Katharine never existed.

Too bad I never got the chance to tell her that. I was so close, so close to telling her. Tell her what? You may ask.

I was in love with her idiot, isn't my brooding and moping enough of a sign for you? I'm still in love with her, and I'll never stop, because I know, I know that there's no getting over this one. When I lost Katharine, I knew deep down that I would eventually be fine, but her? I knew from the start that she would be it, that if I fell for her, I'd never get back up. So I went into it, determined not to fall.

Too bad I tripped, almost as clumsy as she always was. Is. She's not dead, though sometimes I think I would be more at ease if that were the case. To know that the reason she's no longer here with me was that her luck had finally run out, not that I had hurt her.

Rain splashes on the roof, echoing throughout the empty Boarding House. Stefan's off playing house with his precious Elena, trying to keep her away from his dangerous big brother. That doesn't bother me, I'd prefer to be alone today.

Rain.

She hated the rain. She said it felt like the world was crying. She loved the sun, so I gave it to her. I was weakened substantially every day, manipulating the weather to be sunny in a land where it almost always rained. But every day when she woke up, she would look outside her window, and her eyes would light up, a happy smile blossoming on her face immediately, and it was worth it, and I would smirk in satisfaction as I went to go have my morning blood, knowing that I had once again managed to put that smile on her face.

Stefan didn't know about her, to him I was the same as ever, he never knew how much had changed. How close she and I had been. She had wriggled past my walls, firmly entrenching herself behind them. She was never fooled for a moment.

We were so close, so close to it coming to a head, I was going to tell her. But that never happened, and now I'll never know what could have been. So much could have happened, there was so much I could have said.

But she's gone now.

I'm alone.

It's hard, dealing with the pain of losing her everywhere I go, but I manage.

I can barely drag myself out of bed anymore, but I have to keep up appearances.

They have to think I'm fine.

They can never know my weakness.

They can never know that I'm living with regret, pressing down on my chest.

I can barely breathe.

But I'm fine. I smirk, I snark.

I am the ass I worked so hard to cultivate.

The ass that drove her away.

I wish, more than anything that I had just told her.

But I couldn't.

"I'm not the idiot you apparently take me for Damon." I whirl.

Stefan.

I stare at him for a minute, before turning back to my drink.

"What the hell do you know?" I snap, pouring myself another drink from what I think is my twenty third bottle.

"I know that you fell in love while you were in Washington, I could tell from the look on your face when you came back." I knock back the liquor, enjoying the burn as it slipped down my throat. "And judging from the impressive amount of alcohol you consumed when you had gotten back, almost a year ago now, that it didn't end well. " he sat down next to me, pouring himself his own drink.

"You, big brother, are lovesick." he announced, looking at me expectantly.

"So? What're you gonna do about it?" I slurred. Keeping it secret wouldn't help now, I knew the look on his face, he wasn't going to stop." Stefan looked at me, compassion in his eyes. Screw that, I didn't need his sympathy. I glared, but he didn't back down.

Perfect time to finally grow a pair baby brother.

"What was her name?" he asked, genuine curiosity in his tone." I glare at him for another moment, before returning my attention to my drink.

"Bella." I responded shortly.

"Short for Isabella I imagine?" I nodded curtly.

"She hated being called Isabella." And how I loved calling her that, she'd get all irritated, her cheeks would flush red and her eyes would shine with anger. He nodded.

"And did she not…" I look up at him, feeling my face going blank, and my voice going quiet.

"She told me that she loved me." Stefan's eyebrows immediately shifted into his broody/confused look.

"Then what happened?" he asked, his voice lowering to match mine.

I was so close, so close.

"I couldn't say it."

And that's what hurts the most.