"Do you love me?"

"No."

…

She had meant the words she said to him then, and they were still true now. But as she looked at him standing outside her building with that damn blue French horn in his hand again, some part of her was relieved that he still loved her after all these years…that he still couldn't get her out of her mind.

Maybe that's all that really matters…

She never would have thought like this years ago, but after years of cutting herself off completely from the friends who had meant so much to her, she was able to convince herself.

Maybe I can try this again…

So she let him in that night. She told him that given everything that had happened between them…between all of them…over the years that she wanted to take it slow. But she told him that she was willing to try it again

Because at this point it seemed like the only chance she had left (although she didn't tell him that part).

…

It only took a week until he asked her a question that was all too familiar.

"By the way, what's with all the dogs? I mean, these aren't the same ones from when we first dated are they?"

"No Ted…dogs don't usually live twenty five years."

"So when did you get them?"

She paused, knowing deep down in her heart that if she really wanted this to work out that she couldn't tell the truth here.

She knew this, but that didn't stop her from telling it anyway.

"Birthday presents…Christmas presents…I mean, there haven't been any new ones for a few years now, but…"

"Wait a minute," he interrupted. "Robin, don't tell me these are all from your exes again."

There was anger in his voice just as there had been the first time they had had this conversation, and she knew that what she was going to say next was only going that anger worse.

"Actually, just from one."

She didn't say his name, but she knew that he knew.

"You have to get rid of them Robin."

"Ted…"

"I mean, how are we supposed to make this work if I'm thinking about him every time I come over to your apartment? I can't believe you'd even keep them."

"Don't be like this," she begged him, but in her mind she was already shifting over to the right lane of the highway, her eyes on the lookout for that one week exit sign.

"Robin, this is hard enough as it is without constantly having to be reminded of the mistakes you made…"

"Mistakes?"

He froze, knowing that he probably shouldn't have said that even if he was too oblivious still to realize why he shouldn't have. "Look, all I mean is…"

"How can you say that it was a mistake?"

"Wasn't it? I mean, obviously he isn't still here. And I don't know why he keeps sending you these 'gifts,' but I doubt he has the best intentions."

"He sent them to me because he still loved me Ted."

I wonder if he still does now.

"Oh yeah I'll bet…that's why he went out and had the 'perfect month' and got some stupid bimbo pregnant."

"Ted stop it!"

"And that's why it all fell apart: because at the end of the day Robin, he has to be the most selfish, manipulative liar that you or I have ever…"

He was stopped midsentence as her open palm connected hard with his left cheek, tears starting to fall down her own.

"Get out!"

"Robin, listen…"

"No you listen Ted. It fell apart because of me. It ended because I got scared and told him to take the exit ramp. Hell, I practically forced him to take it. Don't you dare blame him for it ending, because I'm the only person you can blame for that."

"Look all I'm saying…"

"I know what you're saying…I just never thought I would hear you say things that horrible about someone who I thought was supposed to be your friend."

"It's not like what I said wasn't true."

"It wasn't true. Not by a long shot, because you and I are both worse than he ever was."

"Me? When did I ever…"

"You told me to be with him Ted. And you told me that you didn't feel that way anymore, but clearly you were lying when you said that weren't you?"

"And what about you?" he shouted back defensively. "You told me that you didn't love me over and over again all those years ago! And you still want to try again now, so clearly that wasn't true then!"

She shook her head.

"I said that you and I were both bigger liars than he ever was Ted, and I meant it. But I never lied when I said I didn't love you, and it's still true now. I lied when I said that being with him was a mistake...I just couldn't admit it to myself. And I lied…"

She knew she wanted what she was going to do next, but it was still hard. It had always been easier for her to lie about what she really wanted, and that made escaping from situations that made her miserable all the harder.

He was still oblivious to what was about to happen, however.

"You lied about what?"

She took a deep breath.

"I lied when I said I wanted to try this again…both to you and to myself."

"Robin…"

"Please Ted…just get out."

She wasn't yelling anymore. He looked at her, tears forming in his own eyes, trying to find some weakness in her face; some weakening of resolve he could latch onto to try and change her mind.

But there was none, and without another word he stormed out of her apartment.

She was still for a good minute or two at least, struggling to process everything. The first thing she saw when she snapped out of her internal coma was that damn Smurf penis leaning against her wall, and without even thinking about it she picked it up and dropped it out of her open window. It wasn't an action born from anger or vindictiveness; she was merely a child throwing away a toy she had outgrown years ago but held onto for fear of what her life might have been like without having it close by.

Now what?

Her feet led her out the front door and down the stairs without her mind even processing the action. She walked outside and hailed a cab, and although she never heard herself speak the words the driver must have, because minutes later she stood in front of the tall building that had been home for three years of her life.

At least, whenever she had made the time to be home with him.

The tears started to flow again as she walked inside and took the elevator up to his apartment. She knocked softly on the door, but there was no answer, and when she knocked louder there was still none.

I guess he isn't home.

For all she knew he didn't even live in this building. She hadn't spoken to him since Ted's wedding, so he may have even moved out of the city and she would have been none the wiser. She briefly considered calling him, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. For one thing, she had no way of knowing if he still had the same number. And even if he did, a phone call couldn't possibly be the right way to tell him what she wanted to tell him.

To tell him that she was done lying to herself.

…

Twenty minutes later, she found herself in a cab pulling up to Maclaren's. She hadn't been there in years, but maybe he still came here every now and then.

And if he's not here, I could really use a drink anyway.

She walked inside, and the memories came flooding back. All the times they had sat next to each other in that booth, laughing at how lame Marshall and Lily were or cracking jokes at Ted's expense.

God she missed that.

"Robin Scherbatsky?"

Even having aged into his sixties with graying hair, Carl's face brought back a comforting sense of nostalgia to her.

"Hi Carl. I haven't seen you in years."

"Oh I know…don't worry though, I still remember what to get you. Unless you stopped drinking the Glen McKenna that is."

"Actually, that sounds absolutely perfect right now," she said with a sigh as she slumped down into a stool by the bar.

A tall, broad shouldered teenager placed a tumbler down on the counter. "There you are ma'am," he said quickly before returning to the sink and a stack of dirty beer steins.

"Carl who is that?"

"That's my son Ray."

"Your son? Congratulations…although I think he's probably too young to be in a bar."

"Eh, he wants to earn some extra money for a motorcycle. But how are you? You look like you've got something on your mind."

Robin opened her mouth, but all that came out was "I'm alright."

"Well I'm sure it's been hard for all of you guys. Oh by the way, I was going to ask Marshall and Lily when the funeral was, but they haven't been around yet. Do you happen to know when it is?"

Robin raised her eyebrows. "What funeral?"

"What do you mean what…"

He stopped midsentence as it dawned at him that she hadn't heard, and a look of disbelief appeared in his tired features. She looked at him for a moment, and then it hit her. He didn't know what had happened to the five of them over all these years, and he had truly believed she would know what had happened. He truly believed that the five of them had remained as close as he remembered them to be.

It's not Ted…I just saw him an hour ago.

It's not Marshall or Lily…he was expecting them to come around.

All of a sudden it hit her, and she fought to keep from breaking down in front of him and everyone else at the bar.

"I have to go."

…

She hadn't been to Marshall and Lily's in years now, but when she realized what had happened she needed to know how, and they were the only people she could turn to for answers. And they let her in right away, understanding how hard this must be for her to go through, and they told her everything about what had happened.

It turned out it had been a pretty legendary way for him to go out.

Just not "legendary" in the way he might have guessed.

Apparently he had taken his daughter to Central Park yesterday afternoon. From what Marshall and Lily said this was pretty much how he spent every Saturday afternoon nowadays. Not using her to pick up chicks (as he might have with his brother's kids back in the old days), but just playing soccer with her for hours on end.

She couldn't help but smile a little as she thought about that.

It was around 6 or 7 that evening when they finally left the park, Ellie kicking the soccer ball up and down the sidewalk. Apparently they ran into Stuart a few blocks out, and he had stopped for the obligatory greetings and catching up. And Ellie had gotten bored standing there waiting for her father, so she had started kicking the ball around until it rolled off of the sidewalk into the street.

The nine year old didn't notice the cab speeding towards her as she walked over to pick it up, but her father did.

"Everything I have, and everything I am, is yours."

Robin hadn't been at the hospital that day, but those were the words Lily remembered him saying when he watched his daughter being born in that delivery room nine years ago. When Robin had heard that story for the first time, a part of her had been skeptical about his sincerity.

But now, it was painfully obvious that he had meant every word.

…

The funeral was a small one, and she recognized nearly everyone there.

She had wrestled with the decision over the next couple of days, but couldn't bear to stay away no matter how guilty today might make her feel about the past. Lily and Marshall had agreed to come with her; she had initially thought they might go with Ted, but was surprised to find that even they had almost completely lost contact with him since his wife had passed away. He showed up too, but he didn't say a word to her and she didn't say a word to him, and their married friends wordlessly agreed that it would probably be best for them to engage in separate missions of comfort for the two of them.

The service was short, and afterwards those congregated lingered around the grave and reminisced. The largest group was gathered around Stuart and Claudia, the former tearfully recounting the events of that fateful evening for those who hadn't heard or who still didn't fully understand. Robin was mildly (and pleasantly) surprised to see Gary Blauman among that group as she walked past; it was nice to see that some of the coworkers of the past still felt something for the man who now lay six feet underground. She bumped into Brad as she wandered aimlessly, but although it was kind of nice to see him the most she could muster was a quick nod when he greeted her. There were only a few women that she didn't recognize, and she wondered if any of them was the mysterious "31" she had heard about (the memory of hearing that story for the first time still stung a little bit).

"Robin?"

She spun around and found herself face to face with the deceased's brother in law.

"Tom?"

"It's been a while."

She nodded absentmindedly, and as she did she heard a sniffling sound coming from behind the man, who turned around to comfort the crying child.

"I know Ellie, I know…it's going to be okay honey."

The ten year old tried to nod, but she couldn't stop the sobs from escaping as her eyes fixed on the grave of her father not ten feet away from where she stood. Robin watched her, and as the tears welled up in the young girl's cheeks they sparked a similar (albeit more silent) reaction in her.

"Tom."

Robin saw the minister who had delivered the sermon approaching them now, but until this moment she hadn't recognized that it the same man who had married her to the deceased. Nearing his nineties, age had taken its toll on the features of his face, but now as he came closer she was able to recognize him.

"Hello Robin," he said politely, his face betraying neither friendliness nor animosity towards her. "How are you doing with all of this?"

"I'm…"

She couldn't finish the sentence, and he didn't press her to, instead turning his attention to Tom.

"So you're sure you can't take her then?"

"I don't think so. I mean I could try, but since James died I've been struggling to provide for our kids as it is. I don't know what I can promise her."

Robin was shocked to hear that her former brother in law had passed away, and saddened as she realized that his ex-husband appeared to be the closest friendship the deceased had held since the Maclaren's gang had drifted apart.

"I understand," the minister said somberly. "I would take in Ellie myself, but if we're being completely honest with ourselves we would have to deal with this again not long from now. After all, I don't think I can expect to stick around her long enough to see her grow up."

"Wait…what about her mother?"

She had spoken up without even thinking about it, and the two turned to look at her with somewhat pained looks on their faces.

"Ellie's never really known her mother Robin," Tom finally said softly, "and we wouldn't know where to find her if she did. She took off when Ellie was only three…nobody's heard from her since."

Robin's eyes widened.

"You mean…"

Sam nodded. "He raised her himself Robin. It was never official, but he essentially has held sole custody of her for the past seven years."

"Not that he ever complained," Tom added, a smile flickering across his face at the memory. "He loved her so much."

Every word they said brought more tears to Robin's face. She stood there silently, lost in her thoughts as Sam and Tom started discussing how they should handle her ex-husband's money. He had left everything to his daughter, but the problem was that it was in a number of complicated accounts and investments that only someone who had worked at a bank (even if only as a mole) would understand.

She was halfway through the memory of learning the truth about his job (the night before their wedding), when she felt a soft tug at the fabric of her dress.

Ellie had sidled up next to her.

There were tears in the young child's eyes, and the look on her face pulled at Robin's heart. It wasn't a look of recognition. That wasn't possible; after all, she had only seen Ellie once before, and the child was too young at the time to possibly remember that. But it felt like the young girl wanted to recognize her; like she wanted nothing more than for this woman to have been the person alongside her father who had raised her and gotten her to this point of her life.

Or maybe...maybe she was projecting her own desires into that look on the child's face.

Maybe that's what I wanted…

"…and there's some trust fund in a bank in Staten Island that I can't even begin to understand…"

"I'll take her in."

The men stopped their conversation and turned to look at her.

"What?"

"Ellie can live with me."

She paused after she said this. After all, this was not only an impulsive decision for her to make, but it was a decision to have something that she had claimed for years that she didn't want.

Oh god what am I doing? I can't do this can I?

But as she looked into the blue eyes of Ellie Stinson, she saw something that she hadn't seen in a long time…saw someone she hadn't seen (outside of her mind anyway) in a very long time. She saw a chance to recapture some fraction of the happiness that she could've had, if only she had been able to be a little bit more honest with herself.

"Robin…are you sure about this? Are you sure this is what you want?"

It was a question she had asked herself time and time again over the last twenty five years.

But this time…

"Yes."

This time…maybe this time I can finally stop lying to myself.