Whaat the hell? Is gooing on? o.O

This was inspired by Sean Maguire's tweets about Hook/Robin. So yes. That's the couple no matter how strange it may appear to you. Also Swan Queen.

Actions take place in the Enchanted Forest before the first curse / Storybrooke immediately after 3x14.

Once Upon A Time (In My Pants) is not mine. Sorry for the ton of mistakes you'll probably encounter.

It's like it happened a million years ago when he thinks about it now. But then, he's so tired of fighting, breathing, existing that sometimes he has the feeling he really has lived at least a million years.

He's not on his ship and he fucking hates it. The ground is still swinging beneath his feet, the wind isn't strong enough and it's so damn quiet – the only audible sound is the trees' leaves rustling.

You're not wanted here.

He shakes his head trying to chase away what he's sure to be imaginary voices. This air, too dry and not salty enough, isn't good for his lungs.

He hears shuffling and turns around abruptly, hooked hand outstretched into the air.

You fool. What do you think you're doing, fighting against invisible creatures. You think you can hurt something that doesn't exist?

"Shut up," He grits to himself, trying to deafen the voices. It's been like this for years (for an eternity) and it has started with her death.

No.

He's not thinking about this again. Or ever, for that matter.

With a dejected sigh he turns around to continue his way. And he hears a voice.

"You really don't take hints now, do you?"

It's not a demon. Well, maybe it is but not one of the ones living in his head. The voice is too thick, too powerful and not near enough.

When he turns around for the second time, there's a man standing there. Frayed boots. Coarse and dark, obviously badly sewn outfit. Strong hands, a bow in one of them. Scruffy beard and ruffled but luscious golden locks. Piercing eyes staring right into his.

He raises an eyebrow mockingly. He's almost sure what he's standing in front of.

Evidently so is the other man.

"A pirate." He almost snorts as he takes in the intruder's cloak and leather pants. "That answers all the questions."

"Oh really, mate?" The pirate steps forward, not liking the tone of his companion one single bit. The other man's hand tenses around his bow. "And what these questions might be?"

"Why you're as inconsiderate as to enter the forest in the first place… mate." The hunter or something like that looking man gives a dashing smile, obviously content with reply he's given. "Which one are you anyway?"

The pirate feels his nostrils flaring at the comment. Usually he's the one throwing witty remarks and getting on the nerves of other people and he doesn't like this situation one single bit. Still, because he has a clear disadvantage right now, he has to smile thinly.

"Killian Jones." He can't restrain the pride in his voice because the Jones' family has always been a respected and dignified one and there's no way anyone hasn't heard of them, even a man as sleazy as the one standing in front of him.

Or maybe there is.

"Never heard of you," The armed man shrugs. "Anyway, I see you as no threat but still, the best you can do is find another way to wherever you're going and leave this forest right now." After he says that, he just turns and starts walking away like he expects to be obeyed without objections.

Killian feels the blood boil in his veins. He had stood against men far powerful before and had won. He had disobeyed not only another man, but an entire nation and had won. He could surely cope with some filthy poacher.

With a swift move of his hand he takes the sword off the scabbard on his waist and waits. The sound is enough to make the other man stop and slowly look at him. The scoff is gone of his face, his otherwise handsome features slightly contorted in hostility.

"And who the bloody hell are you?" The pirate asks lowly but menacingly.

The blond man's eyes narrow for a second and then suddenly his previously empty bow is bended, a single pointy arrow in it.

"Robin." He smiles nastily. "Robin Hood." And then releases the arrow.

"Rumplestiltskin." Emma utters with horror as realization slowly dawns on her face. David is so confused he almost drops the gun staring at the cage full of golden straw.

Killian has this sinking feeling at the pit of his stomach and it's not just because the crocodile is mentioned. Everybody just looks so terrified… except the Queen whose face is lightened up by a subtly triumphant smile.

"What is so funny, Your Majesty?" He can't help the venom in his voice. No matter what's happened, no matter how alike they are, he can't (won't) look at her as an ally.

She huffs at him like he's not even worthy of an answer.

"He's alive, this means we still have a chance at winning," She explains to them but the perceptive you-know-nothing tone is clearly directed at him. He feels the fingers of his only hand that actually has them clench.

"If he's alive," He emphasizes, "and we're not sure what's happened to him or even if he's still on our side."

"Of course he is," Regina rolls her eyes.

"Oh, yes, you'd know," Killian bites relentlessly, "it's not like he's ever betrayed you before."

Her pupils dilate and he's almost sure he sees purple cracks in the air around her but even if he didn't, he sure feels the pressure of the magic around him. He's obviously hit a weak spot but damn, this woman is innerving sometimes.

Most of the times.

"Regina." Swan intervenes, clearly sensing the magic, and she's looking the Queen in the eyes, something that almost nobody does. The tension in the brunette dissipates a little. "Now's not the time for this."

Regina purses her lips discontentedly but the pirate feels relief wash over him as the magic disappears slowly and he can freely breathe again.

"Well, looks like we're not going to find anything here." Obviously while him and her Majesty were busy bickering, the never-passive David has gone around the small premises and looked it over. He opens his mouth to say something more when a melody coming from his own pocket interrupts him.

Killian takes advantage of the pause to step closer to Emma.

"Thank you from rescuing me from the Evil Queen, love," He grins at her. "You really are the Savior, it seems."

"I'm gonna show you who's evil," He hears Regina mutter under her breath and Emma launches forward just in time to grab her wrist. "Didn't you hear what he said to me?!" The brunette yells petulantly. Killian's sure she'd have stomped her foot if she could.

The blonde rolls her eyes at the other woman.

"Knock it off, okay?" She warns her and then turns to give her most authoritative frown at the pirate. He smiles innocently at her and goes to say something but- "Shut it, Hook. I don't wanna hear it." The breath wheezes in his lungs when he closes his mouth. Regina smirks at him smugly.

David's voice breaks off the childish dispute.

"We've got a problem," He announces breathlessly as if he's just run a mile. "Robin called, another of the Merry Men has been turned into a monkey."

Killian feels his head flooded by blood and for a moment tiny black dots dance before his eyes. He turns to ask who called again but the rest of his groupis already running up the staircase.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"

The archer quirks an eyebrow.

"Oh, come on, it's not like you didn't see it coming."

"Of course I didn't see it coming! It's not like everyday that I'm calmly walking and disturbing no one and some bloody bastard comes to shoot me!"

The pirate's currently half-propped on the nearest tree, half-lying on the ground, an arrow sticking from his left shoulder. Not sure how to take it out, his fingers just shuffle around it in the air, not daring to do anything.

The other man doesn't even seem offended by the name he's just been called.

"I didn't come to shoot you," His tone indicates how strongly he wants to roll his eyes. "I came to warn you and you just asked for it."

"Asked for it?!" Killian yells suddenly moving a little too sharply. The pain's quick to jab him and to elicit a groan and a couple of curse words from him. "You could have killed me!"

"I could have but I didn't." Robin offers almost cheerfully. "I think you need to stop whining and be grateful for the small things in life."

"Like what, that some stranger attacked me for no reason?" Killian spits disdainfully. "How the hell did it even hit me?" He adds after a couple of seconds. "I'm pretty sure I dodged it."

The most dashing smile appears on Robin's face and he could have been attractive if he wasn't such a son of a bitch after all.

"My arrows never miss their aim," He explains obligingly. "They're enchanted."

"Well, isn't this just peachy?" Killian growls viciously. The smile on Robin's face widens if that's possible. "Wow, you sure seem joyful, mate, maybe there are some enchanted plants in here as well, eh? To help you stay in such… high spirits." The pirate almost smirks then moans in pain as his fingers loosely grip the end of the arrow, not sure if to pull or not.

"Not joyful," The blond replies, clearly not fazed by the other man's implications. "Merry."

Killian releases the arrow and looks at Robin confusedly.

"What?"

"Merry." Robin repeats. 'I'm the head of the Merry Men."

Robin is waiting for them at the town line, a few other guys at his sides. He greets David with a worried tap on his shoulder, shakes Emma's hand quickly and dignifies Regina with a haughty smirk. And then his eyes fall on Killian.

The silence that is so not necessary right now, practically immerses everybody. Or more accurately, everybody's gaping at the not exactly normal reactions of two heterosexual men that see each other for the first time.

"Jones." Robin Hood is the first one to break the silence, his eyes raking abashedly at the other man's form.

"Bloody bastard." The pirate nods in return. A small smile ghosts over the other man's lips but he doesn't say anything else, just keeps looking at him.

Emma raises an eyebrow.

"You two know each other?"

"Well, we're from the same land after all," Killian answers without looking at her. "It's not that odd that we know each other, love."

A small wrinkle appears on Robin's forehead.

"Love?" He repeats with slightly and unusually high-pitched voice, his blue eyes sparkling. Then he tears his eyes off the pirate to gaze at the Savior. "Is he your intended?"

David evidently bristles at the question. Regina tensely sways on her heels, her nostrils flaring just a little bit. Emma gapes astonished at Robin.

"Is he wha-wha-" She splutters. "Of course not, what the hell?" Her whole face is bright red when she finally gets to the end of the sentence. Regina wrinkles her nose in disgust.

Everybody falls silent once again. Killian and Robin try to subtly exchange accusing glances and fail as every other pair of eyes is set on them.

"So, uhm…" David clears his throat awkwardly after a minute or two. "This guy who just turned into a monkey…?"

"Ouch." A painful hiss. "Watch what you're doin- Ouch!"

"Oh, stop crying like a woman," Robin snarls, his patience obviously slipping away. "I'm a self-respecting man of honor, not a goddamned nurse!"

"Well, you should have thought of that before trying to kill me!" Killian bites back. "And you're not a man of honor, you're a bloody thief."

The piece of clothing soaked in alcohol dabs his wound a little too roughly and he screeches, a bunch of profanities escaping his mouth.

"Shut up," Robin shushes him unceremoniously. "My son's around, I don't want him to hear your foul language."

Killian raises his red-rimmed eyes full of tears from the pain.

"I don't give a damn about-" His features suddenly soften. "You have a son?"

The archer can't help the genuine smile that graces his lips.

"Yeah. He just turned two a moon ago. He's a good child."

Killian spends a little time just studying the face of a father, lightened by the pure love for his little boy.

"I wasn't aware thieves had time for women."

The dreamy look immediately disappears from Robin's face and he frowns, pressing down the pirate's flesh crustily. Killian bites the inside of his cheek, trying not to scream.

"Love doesn't ask and I'm no one to try to resist it," Robin explains a bit acidly. "And I'm not a thief." He insists.

"Sure you're not." The pirate rolls his eyes. "You're just an… outlaw. How much are they offering for your head?"

"Ten thousand."

"Whoa." The pirate whistles, seeming intrigued by the number. "Well, personally I wouldn't refuse a refillment of my pocket." He grins wickedly.

Robin just lets a disdainful huff as he tears a piece of cloth in half and starts bandaging the other man's shoulder.

"I'd recommend you to go after Snow White, they're giving twice as much for her head," He responds. "And besides you wouldn't do that."

Killian snickers loudly. "Wouldn't I?" He presses. "How are you so sure?"

"I saw your reaction when I mentioned my son," Robin shrugs while tying the halved shirt in a knot. "Either you lost a son or you yourself are an orphan."

Killian feels his throat dry and scratchy, and his body shuddering, not used to anybody being so straight-forward to him. Evidently living in the forest strips you off some inhibitions… and gives you some kind of ability to read people.

"Or maybe I'm just a man of honor as well." He offers quietly.

"Pirates are not men of honor," Robin objects without malice. "Or if they are, it's because they've lost something." He tilts his head slightly and smiles almost shyly.

Killian raises his head. The other man's eyes are deep and clear and they remind him of the ocean – a peculiar mix of blue, grey and green, an enigma and an open book at the same time.

And he admits without wanting to.

"Everything. I've lost everything."

"So like…" Emma kicks the pebbles in her feet, clearly at unease about something. "Is there something going on between you and this Robin guy?"

He stops walking for a moment then slowly looks at her.

"Why are you askin', lass? Jealous?"

She rolls eyes exaggeratedly and puffs her cheeks.

"Jeez, Hook, I'm just asking. You guys acted like exes still in love with each other."

The pirate feels his cheeks heating up and stares back at his feet.

"No, Swan. There's nothing going on between me and Robin."

"Pff." The blonde snorts mockingly. "That was the fattest lie I've ever heard."

"I'm not lying." Killian mutters under his breath. "There's nothing there. Not anymore."

"Why?"

He gives her a puzzled glance, obviously startled by her curiosity.

"You made me kiss you and didn't stop hitting on me even though I was confused at the time and you're obviously still harboring feelings for Mr Muscle." She says then pauses to take a breath. "I think you kinda owe me here."

The pirate realizes she's manipulating him but this has been a weight on his chest for a long time now.

"The stupid fairy," He admits eventually. "She found him and told him some bullcrap about how her pixie dust had destined him as somebody else's True Love."

"What, you mean Tinkerbell?" Emma raises an eyebrow, sounding amused and irritated at the same time. "What the hell is it with this chick and her obsession with playing everybody's matchmaker?" The pirate blinks at her surprised. "Yeah, you know she met Regina in Fairy Tale Land when she was younger and told her the same shit, that she would find her True Love and yadda yadda, some man with a lion tattoo bullshit-" She continues babbing and waving her hands into the air, not noticing the Killian's eyes widening. "-and then she accused Regina of losing her wings like what the fuck-" The blonde shuts her mouth as she sees him frozen on his spot. "Hey, what's up?" She queries with a furrowed brow.

He doesn't respond just continues looking at her with large panicked eyes. Emma fidgets under his gaze and asks what's wrong a couple of times before her own pupils widen in realization.

"Oh, no," She breathes. "Don't tell me-"

"Yes."

"Robin is the man with the-"

"Yes."

"They are each other's-"

"Yes."

"…Fuck."

Robin toys thoughtfully with the laces of his hoodie a couple of minutes. There's still no trace of the Wicked Witch but the whole town's panicking already which is exactly what shouldn't have happened. He has the feeling the whole population of Storybrooke is gathered in Granny's diner right now – except Charming and his wife who had to stay in with their non-suspecting grandson. A long story, David murmured miserably before heading back to his apartment.

Regina's also here, talking animatedly to his son. He knows back in their land she used to be the Evil Queen but this woman smiling kindly to Roland and making him beam back at her doesn't seem evil at all.

Oh, wait, the Charmings aren't the only ones missing. Their daughter, the famous Savior, is gone… and evidently so is Killian Jones.

Robin feels his heartbeat increase and gets angry at himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. The pirate wasn't the right choice back then and he surely isn't the right choice now. Not after his True Love is still out there, waiting for him. Pixie dust is never wrong, the little green fairy had said. You just have to be brave enough to follow its lead.

"Dad, I'm sleepy," A tiny voice complains and his son pulls his sleeve lightly. Regina is with him with a small smile on her face.

Robin grins at the sight of his little boy's yawning mouth and the slow blinking of his eyelids.

"Okay then. Let's put you to bed." Since the day they've first come to Storybrooke, no matter when exactly that has been, father and son share a room in Granny's Bed and Breakfast. The man lifts Roland on his shoulder and turns to look at Regina. "Madam, I'll be right back and I'd like to talk to you if that's possible."

She frowns slightly, more of worry than anything else, but nods. Robin nudges his son a little.

"C'mon, chap, say good night."

"G'night." Roland mutters with half-closed eyes.

Regina smiles more widely and gently. "Good night."

When Robin returns to the diner five minutes later, she's still on the same spot, looking at empty space, obviously lost in thought. He waits for her to notice him before discreetly motioning her to go outside.

"So Mr Hood, what seems to be the problem?" She asks almost in a businesslike manner.

"Well, as you have probably noticed Killian-" He sees her quirk an eyebrow, "I believe you know him as Hook," She makes a face, "and the Savior are missing."

Regina clearly doesn't look comfortable with the thought but she tries to shrug it off.

"That pirate is always pining after Emma," She replies. "Maybe he finally got lucky, who cares."

"You care." Robin replies immediately and she shoots him an almost murderous glance. "You and I both for that matter."

The brunette lets a quiet 'oh'. "So you used to be his boyfriend or something?"

Robin feels the blush creeping to his cheeks. "I… I believe I got a little… distraught by him, yes. You can't really blame me."

"Yeah, no, except for your horrendous taste I can't." After being sent a unpleasant look, Regina raises her hands in surrender. "Yes, please, continue."

"Anyway, it was just not meant to be, I guess." The man confesses with a small voice. "Which doesn't mean I do not want to be his friend and to be informed about his life. So, um…" He clears his thought. "Does he have a relationship with the Savior?"

Regina tries to wave it off but her shoulders slump dejectedly.

"I suppose you're going to have to ask them personally. I don't know if they're together or not. I just-" She suddenly stops both talking and walking.

He turns to look at her.

"You just what?"

The brunette just looks at him with big dark eyes, a big lump on her throat.

"I just-" She tries once again.

"Wish they weren't?" He tries to help.

After a comparatively long internal battle Regina gives up and nods slowly.

"I never wanted to believe that True Love stuff," She murmured quietly. "I… I hoped that despite the stupid pixie dust I'd somehow find my happy ending with her." She gaped for a second at the empty space, feeling oddly relaxed after admitting it out loud.

"Yeah," Robin nods distractedly before actually making sense of her words. "Wait, you've met Tinkerbell too?"

Regina outstretches her arms slightly. "Too? You mean you've met her?"

"Um, yeah, she found me to tell me about my True Love."

The brunette lets a hoarse laughter that sounds more like a bark.

"God, looks like she's done this with everybody in the land. Did you find them, your True Love?"

He shakes his head. "How exactly can I meet the woman with the blackest of hearts? It's not like I can pull her heart out of her chest to look at it."

She snorts. "And how exactly a woman like that seems like an attractive option to you? Mine's at least something normal – some man with a lion tattoo. I mean, it's really stupid if you think about it but at least it's not a- Are you alright?" Her face becomes concerned as she sees him visibly shaking.

Slowly, very slowly he rolls up the right sleeve of his hoodie. She opens up to gasp but even that doesn't escape her mouth.

"Oh my God."

"Um."

"It's you."

"Um…"

"You're my-"

"Regina!" A voice yells and both of them turn to look at Emma and Hook a few feet away.

"Emma." Regina utters absolutely mortified.

"Regina, look-" The blonde sees the still rolled up sleeve of Robin. "Oh."

Killian curses under his breath.

Regina squints at Robin. "Am I like… supposed to fall for you all of a sudden?" She whispers furiously. "I don't feel any different."

"Neither do I." He shrugs his shoulders helplessly.

"Regina, look," Emma gulps heavily and makes a hesitant step forward though her knees are wobbling. "You don't have to do it, okay? Screw that stupid pixie dust. Follow your heart. He's not the right one for you. Hell, you don't even know him!"

The brunette looks like she might faint any moment. "Then who the hell is the right one for me? Nobody has ever been right for me!" She screams all of a sudden. "Nobody could ever love me!"

"That's not true." Emma argues with a small voice. "There are people who love you. With no conditions. And not because of some dumbass dust. People like…"

"Like who, Miss Swan?" Regina raises her tone in a desperate manner.

"Emma." The blonde corrects her, a smile appearing on her lips. "Like Emma. Like me."

"Hm, well. At least some people got their happy ending." Killian muses a couple of minutes later after hungry kisses have been exchanged between Emma and Regina and then they had run off to do God knows what. Neither of the men is sure he wants to know.

"Yeah." Robin purses his lips.

"Are you angry?"

"Huh? Angry? About what?"

"That your whole searching turned out to be in vain. You kinda ruined everything for nothing."

Robin feels his neck hairs bristle. "Killian-"

"Okay, okay." The pirate makes a conciliatorily gesture with his hands. "I'm sorry."

"You should be."

"But it could have been different," The pirate inserts after a couple of seconds. "I'm not saying we have some grand love or anything… but something good could have happened out of it."

Robin sighs and tries to swallow the bile in his throat.

"Yes."

"Yes." Killian repeats mockingly. "Yes," He says with a hysterical note in his voice. "You know what, Robin?" He turns abruptly to face the other man. "You can go fuck yours-"

Before he can finish, Robin grabs his face and smashes their lips together.

"We can try this out… if you want to."

"I… I think I do."

My eyes have to be bleeding by now. Review, please?