Well lookie here. My first Star Trek fic. Kinda just popped into my head and if I didn't get it down I think I might have exploded with feels and maybe anger. So this takes place a little before the ending of Into Darkness, right after Jim waking up in the hospital. There has been so many fics that have been written about how everyone felt about Kirk and his death, and then his resurrection if you will, and I have to say that none of them have really seemed right to me. I mean most of them make Jim way too weak and fragile and makes it seem like it was all his fault and stuff. I get that of course he would be weak emotionally, but I think people don't capture that right. He would do everything in his power to prove to everyone that he was okay, but eventually it would catch up with him and probably not until its almost too late. Jim is a character that is very much driven by emotion, but it only shows his strength, never to make him look weak. I hope that makes sense. I just want to show what I think Jim was like during that time/ how more should depict those events as.
So enough of me just talking,
Without Farther A Due-
Not As Broken
It's been a week. A week since he's woken up. Four weeks since everything went to shit. He's died, brought back by some miracle super blood of a psychopathic, revenge seeking, villain named Khan. Most people would cry at his heroics, some would praise him over and over again, but there seems to also be a group who thinks he had no right to risk his life for them. Sure they are forever grateful that he saved them, saved all of them. But they wished he hadn't thought so little of himself, or what it would do to them if they hadn't been able to bring him back. They think he was sorta selfish, maybe a little suicidal, and even just plain stupid. To the command crew, his closet friends, his family, he didn't care about the consequences that his death would have, he just wanted to be the hero, once again.
"Dammit Jim!" Jim Kirk glanced up slightly before looking back to his PADD.
"Hey Bones."
Doctor Leonard McCoy, or Bones, was just one of many who would gladly wring Jim Kirks neck for the "stunt" he pulled. He had to bring the man back from the dead for Christ sakes!
"Hey Bones? That's all you got? I strictly remember telling you that you couldn't have that damn PADD!"
Jim shrugged slightly, still not meeting McCoy's glare. "I just have to finish this report, it'll take 5 minutes and then you can scream at me some more okay?"
"No Jim, in case you forgot, you died. As in no pulse, no brain activity, dead." McCoy closed his eyes tight, taking a breath, "So give me the damn PADD or I swear to god I will hypo you so hard-" He stopped his tirade as the PADD was shoved into his hands.
"There goddammit! Take the stupid thing." Jim crossed his arms, looking out the window, irritation clear on his expression. He was so close to exploding, one more order, one more person telling him how he died and all the shit that everyone else feels about, he swears will be beat to death. He understands, truly, but fucking seriously? If he had known all this shit would happen, he would have just let them all die. Well not really, but come on now. He saved them, and not just because he felt some need to be a hero, he wanted them to live, he wanted them to carry on even if he couldn't. He wasn't suicidal, he thought somewhat highly of himself, so help him he just wanted his family, his crew, to live.
McCoy sighed," Look kid, I know this has been hard on you. But you have to understand that you are still weak. I just don't want to lose you again over something as stupid as overworking yourself."
Jim continued to look out the window, as if Bones wasn't even there. He didn't have to justify his actions to anyone. They were his actions, and not matter what anyone could tell him, the right actions.
"You can't just pretend that this didn't happen, Jim."
"I'm not. Just because I came to terms with it and you can't, doesn't make it my problem."
"Oh don't give me that bullshit. You haven't come to terms with this, and probably won't for a while."
Jim flicked his eyes toward the doctor, letting out a disgusted sign. "There you go again."
"There I go again doing what?" McCoy narrowed his eyes at Jim, lips in a tight line.
"Thinking you know everything. Thinking you know how I feel or how I should feel. You know nothing."
"I know you died, I know you aren't taking this seriously. Dammit Jim. Do you even know how this has been on the rest of us?"
There is was. The last straw, the one last thing to say before he cracked. "Oh how could I not!? You've all shouted it at me so many times I think it might be permanently etched into my brain!"
"Then why do you think this is some kind of joke?!"
"I don't! God you know something? No one, not one fucking person has asked me what I truly feel about all this."
"Bullshit, we've all asked you! You just wont-"
Jim shot up in his bed, eyes filled with anger. He couldn't believe McCoy. "No you haven't! Every time I try to say something you all just come back with some bullshit about how hard this has been on you all and how stupid I am for trying to save you."
"Jim-" McCoy started to protest, but Jim was having none of it. He continued with venom dripping off of his words.
"I died, I fucking know. I was there, I felt everything. I felt the life drain out of me, I felt the pain of the radiation seep into every part of my body. I saw Spock, a god damn Vulcan, cry, and not just a sniffle, I saw the tears flowing out his eyes as my life stopped. So don't give me a lecture on how I won't tell you how I feel. I feel like shit, knowing that my crew, my family, thinks I was being selfish for saving your lives with my own. I did what I know was right, damn my own consequences." Jim closed his eyes tightly, breathing deeply as if trying to gain a control that is all but lost.
McCoy was frozen next to the bed. Did Jim really feel like that? Oh god, what have we done? Dark thoughts as those began filling his head. He felt his heart beating faster then ever, his eyes fill with tears threatening to fall. He opened his mouth to respond but no words would come. McCoy lifted a shaking hand towards Jim, who was biting his lip to keep from screaming. When his hand fell on Jim's, his eyes flew open.
"Don't touch me. Actually, don't look at me, don't talk to me, don't help me ever again." With that Jim threw the blankets off his body and slid off the bed.
"Where are you going?"
Jim didn't even look at McCoy as he slide a t-shirt over his body, pulling his jeans over his bare legs. "Does it matter?" He sneered as he grabbed his boots and jacket. He gave Bones one last glare before he turned away, pulling the door open with haste, and left, leaving McCoy staring at the door.
Jim stormed down the hallway of the apartments known the used by the crew of the Enterprise. He passed many crew members, all yelling towards him in concern, but he just ignored them all, speeding up his pace. He knew he was just asking for everyone to think he'd gone crazy, probably all comming the senior officers. But he couldn't bring himself to ever care. He did what he did to save them, and now he just wanted to get away from them.
"Jim! Jim stop!"
He tensed slightly as his name, but didn't stop. He knew the voice to me that of one Lieutenant Uhura, the worst one of them all. She had screamed at him for a good 20 minutes, telling him how stupid he was and that if he ever tried to do that again, she would kill him herself. Some might take what was said as her own terms of endearment, but when everyone seemed to think it, it made it seem like anger, anger at him for did what he did. They thought him weak, they thought him selfish, they thought he was just trying to blow this all off. He couldn't stand it anymore.
Oh they thought he was suicidal before? Ha, that wasn't even close.
So what did y'all think? Good? Bad? Amazing? So terrible that I shouldn't continue? I really want to know what you all think. I think this is going to be 2 shot unless I feel like making it longer, but it won't be longer then a 3 or 4 chapter story. Tell me what you liked, what you didn't, what you think could make this story better, and mostly what you want to see happen.
Thanks for reading.
Love, Keely