A/N: Uh…yeah. This is what happens when my mind starts to wander and I have a half day of school. Read and review, if you please! I don't own anything.

Random Rap Battle

Neville Longbottom nervously wiggled around in his chair. Today was the biannual Fictional Face-Off, in which various fictional characters had been assigned to have rap battles with each other. How had he gotten into this?

Two days ago…

Professor Snape glared at his class. "I have the 'honor' of picking someone for the Fictional Face-Off out of the Sorting Hat. Seeing as hardly anyone entered, the Hat has decided to make a mini-challenge featuring two of his favorites. And the first one is...Dear Merlin." Snape turned pale and sunk into his seat. "Dobby."

Squealing, Dobby ran up to the microphone. "Hello! I'm Dobby, sirs and ma'ams, and I'd like to say, that socks are fun! Harry's the best, by the way! La la la-Eep!"

Snape sealed Dobby's mouth shut with a groan. "That's enough, house-elf. Longbottom, you are the winner by forfeit. If we're lucky, then perhaps someone will decide to eliminate the competition through violence." Snape curled his lip, thinking joyously of the Great Miss Piggy Crisis of '07.

A stern-looking official walked up to the podium. "And that was Alex Rider, everyone. Sheesh. He can stop several mass murderers, but the boy can't make up a rhyme to save his life. Popeye wins. Next up, we have Neville Longbottom and Grunkle Stan."

They both walked up to two separate, velvet-colored podiums. A guard took Neville's wand away, while several other guards confiscated Stan's 'Bribing Cash.'

The official crisply snapped his fingers. "Begin."

Neville coughed. "Yo. Yo. I am the boss. Uh...memetic tough guy. Neville. Neville. Woo."

Grunkle Stan rolled his eyes derisively. "P'shaw! You wanna know how a real singer raps? TURN UP THE MICROPHONE, SOOS!"

Grinning, Soos turned up the mike and pressed some buttons on his keyboard. Random lights started flashing and miscellaneous sound effects blared.

"That's enough, you lame Hufflepuff! Are you in the Illuminati? First you're a wimp, then you're tough! I'm here to rebuff, so you can shut your guff! You can't even conjure up a proper D.J.!"

On the other D.J.'s table, Trevor croaked mournfully. Neville's lip quivered. He looked like was about to cry.

Grunkle Stan noticed this and started to laugh. "I'm Grunkle Stan and I have a business! It holds the record for the most health violation! What about your potion? You'll be lucky if you make it into the junior Guinness! Hey, I see you have a frog! My grand-niece's pig is a better pet than that and it acts more like a dog!"

Neville turned purple with rage. Insult Trevor once and he would just ignore it. Insult Trevor twice and you're in trouble. He picked up the microphone and started raging. "Shut your face or I'll spray it with mace! I don't need magic to prove you're a hack! Everything is fake in the Mystery Shack! I may not be the best at spells, but I have more talent than what you could dig up in over a dozen wells! And another thing! You're so arrogant, you think you can win! You've been lying about having a twin? Are you Stanford or Stanley? It doesn't matter. By tonight, Bill Cipher will have your head in a platter!"

In the audience, Bill Cipher applaud. "He's right, you know." he whispered to Mary Poppins. "I'm going to kill everyone in the multiverse when I get bored of it. Say, you gonna eat those corn dogs?"

Grunkle Stan stopped wiggling his ears in triumph. "Um...YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING, BUCKO!" With the puff of a smoke grenade, he was gone, making Neville the winner.

THE END