Like Any Other Day

A Word: Google The Hawkeye Initiative, and you will see why it needs to exist in multiple universes.

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The video starts off tamely enough. The generic backdrop of a talk show interview set complete with clapping audience and smiling host who makes statements sound like questions. "So, there's been a lot of merchandise going for sale lately."

"Yeah. I guess," Clint's perched uncomfortably on a green chair, and it's obvious that it was an off day for PR because he's in a suit. Clint doesn't do suits. As can be seen by the fact that he was probably pushed into what he's wearing five minutes before the cameras started rolling and he already looks like a hobo. "That's more Tony's area than mine. I really don't pay much attention. I mean, it's not like I get a whole lot made of me."

"What about," the host snaps his fingers a few times, "you got a Nerf bow!"

"Yeah that was pretty cool," Clint says with a smile that looks really awkward on him. "Funny thing though. I'm not actually allowed to play with one."

"Why not?"

"Let's just say there was an incident with a delivery guy and vases that were way to expensive to be where they were. Alright?"

The audience laughs on cue at the lame joke.

"You got an action figure though," the man continues when the noise dies down. Reaching under his desk to pull out a blister pack. "You and Black Widow come packaged together."

"Yeah I saw those," the camera zooms in on the dolls, getting a good shot of them.

"Oh?" The host smiles. It looks encouraging when the camera pulls back to get the two men back in the shot. "You don't sound too happy."

"Well, it's just stupid stuff I guess," Clint fidgets with the cuffs of his suit, rotating a shiny cufflink between two fingers.

"Oh come on. What's up, you think your nose is too big or something?"

"Kinda," Clint squints at the toy suspiciously before shrugging. "Eh, it's a toy. Can't complain about face details on something so small. Besides it's Natasha's figure I have the problem with."

"Really? Why's that?" The man turns back to the toys and makes a show of looking them over.

"It's just," Clint shifts on the chair and frowns before reaching out, "look give it here and I'll show you. The figures come packaged like this."

The camera zooms in again on the toys. A mini-Hawkeye stands with a generic bow in hand, and a mini-Black Widow looks to be caught mid-run, twisting backwards to shoot behind her. "Ok. And?"

"And? Look at it!" Clint's pointing emphatically at the toy. Finger tracing a curve over it. "This pose isn't possible unless you break your spine in two or three spots. The human body just doesn't contort like that. I mean," Clint twists in his seat. Throwing one leg over the other in an attempt to mimic the pose. "I just can't- Ow, fuck!"

"Stop it, please stop!" The host looks and sounds like he's torn between horror and laughter. The audience thinks it's hilarious. "I can heard your spine cracking!"

"You see!? It's just not possible," Clint stops trying to contort himself and slowly straighten out. "Ow. It's not just the doll either. There's a comic out there that does the same thing and it just looks ridiculous. It's like they're breaking her body just so you can see her butt and breasts at the same time," Clint grimaces as he settles back into the seat. One hand pressing against his lower back. "And it's just her. You don't see any of the guys getting broken like she does, or wearing clothing half as ridiculous."

"I'm going to regret asking, but what clothing?"

"Ok there's a gun fight on one page, right? I'm there in my uniform, Iron Man's flying in his armor, and then Nat flips in wearing a bra and painted on pants," Clint waves his hands as if to illustrate the flow of the fight. Stabbing the air hard to punctuate his points. "In a gun fight. No vest, no arm guards, no armor. No nothing that wouldn't tear in a light breeze. Oh and she's wearing, like, eight inch stilettos," Clint holds his hands apart to illustrate the approximate height of the heels.

"Don't get me wrong, Natasha's more than capable of turning heels into deadly weapons, but not even she can kick ass with her center of gravity so out of whack," Clint shrugs as the audience laughs louder than before. "It's just stupid and people don't get it when I say something. The two of us, we've got the same flexibility so I've had to tell people to think about me wearing those clothes or in those poses before they seem to get how bad it is. Cause if I can't pull it off, neither can she."

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Tony stops the video and the whole team turns to look at Clint who shrugs. Supremely unconcerned as he works on eating a mostly stale bagel. There's fresher ones available, but this is the last one from the batch he bought and he'll be damned before he lets it go to waste. "How the hell was I supposed to know people'd take that as a challenge?"

"Have you seen the internet?" Tony asks with a genuinely curious look. The kind he gets when Steve professes not to get why a gadget needs so many buttons.

"I like it," Natasha says. Her smile not fading even now, four hours after the PR bombshell they'd all woken up to. "The stilettos suit you."

"Yeah, but the cast I'd have to wear after breaking my ankles wouldn't," Clint leans over to look at Natasha's screen as she scrolls through a page of drawings. All done in different styles but focusing on Clint. "Hey, look, they've named it."

"Yes, we know," Sitwell looks tired and ready to throw something, possibly himself, out of a window. "Needless to say, PR is advising you to not publicly acknowledge any of this so called Hawkeye Initiative and to let it blow over," a chime sounds and Sitwell looks at his phone. The lines around his face get deeper. "And if you'd stop reblogging the pictures, Mr. Stark, that would be really helpful."

"Oh, hey, are you following me?" Tony leans over the table and tries to grab Sitwell's phone "What's your blog? I'll send you some stuff. Unless you just mocked up an account to follow me because you're boring."

"I don't see the harm in it," Steve says from the other side of Natasha. He's grinning too and looks thoroughly entertained by the whole thing. "Clint's right, these people are right. Nothing wrong in pointing out gross anatomical improbabilities and ridiculous poses. Might do the original artists some good."

There's a gleam in Steve's eyes that would scare the holy right out of the people who still hold Captain America up as a shrine to all that's good and wholesome. Clint gets a feeling he's going to be helping Steve upload a few things to the internet later.

Sitwell sighs the sigh of the defeated accepting the inevitable, and mutters something about being owed so much vacation, "Just try not to get caught alright?"

Tony looks immediately offended and Clint goes back to trying to defeat his bagel. It's just another Monday morning after all.

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