Belong

I've never belonged here.

Never belonged in this family, in this clan, in this world.

You might ask: who am I? Well, I am the one who whispers with the greenleaf trees in an evening breeze. I am the one who hears the last note of that silent song of the meadow larks. I am the one who gazes at the stars just like everyone else, admiring the beauty of the night. I am the one right beside you.

But you wouldn't be able to see that, right?

Cats who admire the sun never get to feel the rain. Cats who are fond of the light never see the beauty of the night. I'm one to join them. Overshadowed, passed by, not noticed…

Not here.

You look in my direction, but your gaze passes right through me. Like I'm a mist that swirls around you, but you only stare at the destination ahead and forget I'm even here.

At times I want to run away. Run away to be with the sky. But what if even the stars forget I'm here? Forget I'm here and flicker out?

It was dark. It was cold. It was leaving. And I was alone. I thought I'd be hiding in the shadows forever. Words would be thrown at me, but they either shrank away before coming to my awareness or passed through like I'm invisible.

I'm invisible…

I thought it would be like that forever. I thought it would never change.

That was when I met you.

They were at moonhigh, they were at twilight, they were at the end of dusk. They were when no other cat dared to follow except us.

Us…

Oh, how I've longed for that word.

Every night was a risk. Every night that I'd feel the moonshine washing into the den, I'd immediately wake up. I needed to be quiet, careful, silent, unnoticed.

It wasn't the hardest for me.

Every moment that I was outside of the tiny area that I was forced to call home, waiting for you to emerge through the shadows of the trees, my heart rate increased. I'd be impatient, I'd be anxious, but I'd feel, for the first time in my life, alive.

Every heartbeat outside was a risked reward. I wanted to feel the swaying trees, feel the birdsong, the cool night air…

Feel you beside me.

I loved the way we'd stroll quietly beside the gentle stream under the full moon, watching the mirror-like surface reflect the sky above. I loved the way you'd whisper in my ear, just like the smallest newleaf breeze, but it was there. I loved the way silence could mean more than anything at times. And I loved the way you knew everything about me.

Your steps matched with mine, your pace was never too fast nor too slow. As I leaned against your soft fur under the starry night, our sighs harmonized. I could feel you smiling against my cheek and your tail automatically entwining with mine. For once, I was there. You knew I was there. You felt me beside you, and you acknowledged that.

It wasn't perfect.

Sometimes we would trip, but we'd always catch each other if we fell. We'd lose track, but always find one another in the end. The awkward but comfortable way you'd rub your cheek along my jaw, the hesitant but loving way you'd just brush my flank as we walked, it all seemed to whisper three words into my ear:

"I'm not perfect."

But the way we'd look up at the silver moon together and imagine we're the stars, swimming in the dark black-purple night and you'd look in my eyes, like everything and time was all ours. It was miracle. The way you made me feel like I needed to live, to see tomorrow, every single day was one in a million. But those warm, faint smiles you would cast in my direction—at me—was once in a lifetime.

The way I'd simply smile back at you seemed to say:

"You don't have to be perfect for me."

And it was worth it. For once in my life, I belonged.

Leaf-bare was when it all shattered in a single heartbeat.

We could all sense it. The air was hostile and the slitted glances that the other clans cast at us wasn't welcoming. Gatherings were dreaded by everyone. Dark, heavy would hide the once bright moon as if the stars were also ashamed to see us.

I prayed for a chance to see you. I would stretch my neck and strain to see you, those familiar amber eyes and that same golden-brown pelt, but it was only lost in a sea of a thousand more.

Times were changing. Deaths were more and more common and the clan was lost in numbers. Whitecough shifted into greencough, which even advanced to blackcough. The ones who couldn't defend themselves, the ones who were too weak and suffered, were put out of their misery by joining the stars. The rest tried to stay strong and not cave in to the icy glares from the other clans, the few little scraps of food that still existed, and the chilling storms that headed their way.

I was one of them.

I thought back to the greenleaf and newleaf nights when we strolled under the sky and the warm breeze lifted us into the heavens. Those leaf-fall days when the blazing leaves swirled in a fiery show through the air, and I finally saw the world in color. It was beautiful.

I wish I could feel like that again.

When the tension between ShadowClan and RiverClan started rising to a maximum, the harshest insults and threats were thrown to one another over the frosted borders. Icy claws and fangs gripped like venom in the air and without thinking, they lashed out.

I was forced to defend my clan and extinguish the others. For the first time that they needed me, I was forced to do this.

Forced to kill the ones that threatened to kill us.

That was you.

But I knew you'd never try to hurt me. You would never be one of them… right?

I wanted to talk to you. We could run away, we could both die and be together in StarClan again. We could be in the stars like we used to dream about as young, foolish apprentices.

But that was the biggest mistake I had ever made.

"We can't do this. Not anymore."

It was the last time true words were ever spoken to me. I couldn't believe it. Neither could you. But was the weight of being an outcast, being alone and being separated from everything and everyone you've ever known too much for you?

Was being with me just too much for you?

"Go back. Go where you truly belong," you had said. I wanted to yell, I wanted to back away, but I was frozen and time had stopped around us. But your voice was steady and I struggled to hold back the tears that were threatening to stain my cheeks.

"Go back to your clan and to the cats who really need you."

I wanted to retort, I wanted to shout back and tell you that you were wrong.

I never belonged there, don't you see? Don't you see that I've never belonged anywhere but right here, beside you?

But you walked away, and those words that never actually separated from my lips were just lost as another puff of warm air condensed and collided with the cold. You walked away and your silver-outlined silhouette was the last thing I saw before I fell, lost in a world of darkness, anger and loneliness.

Regret…

"Promise me you'll never leave me?"

Your tail somehow just found mine like it was an instinct back then. An instinct that took a moment to reveal itself, seasons to master, and a heartbeat to vanish into thin air.

Your eyes were so sincere. Those warm, amber eyes that looked at me like I was the only thing that existed, that mattered, at that moment. Those same amber eyes that broke me soon after.

"I promise."

But I never got to tell you…

I promise… I promise…

"I belong with you."

Review if you want! :D Actually, please do review. XD Ok, not the best but I rushed it, haha. Next chapter will be the theme Chaos or Collide (I've already chosen but those are the two choices). And yes, I know I probably changed tenses a ton of times throughout the story, but I kinda meant to… or I just wanted more depth (?) or something. -fail-

Heh… - -" I have a vague idea for letter C but right now it's kind of a trainwreck in my head so I gotta smooth it out and stuff.

'Til next time. :)