Title: Yule Hoot

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything associated with it. All rights reserved to J.K. Rowling

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Summary: Parvati didn't pan out. So Harry gets an alternate date for the Yule Ball. Gift fic for The Shuiro Amaya.

~oOo~

The fourth year Gryffindor Boy's Dorm was dark, creepy, and other ominous adjectives. Harry Potter stood outside a ring of salt in the center of the room. He was chanting a spell in a language unknown to man, each angry pause emphasized with a clap of thunder, and a fork of lightning would appear outside in the suddenly cloudy sky.

Harry shouted the last words and through his hands in the air. A pool of bight yellow light filled the circle. Harry laughed madly at the sign of his ancient evil ritual's success. As the light faded, two figures revealed themselves where there once was nothing. The first was a young girl about Harry's age. She had long flowing white hair with black and grey streaks and framed an oval face. Her figure was petit, which was highlighted by the rather skimpy version of the Gryffindor girls' uniform she had on. Large, circular, amber eyes gazed wide and curious around the room. Those huge ass eyes landed on her own hands, which, as impossible as it seemed, grew wider in horror.

"EGADS!" she shrieked. "I'M HIDEOUS! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME HARRY YOU TREACHEROUS CUR!?"

Harry winced, sticking a finger in his ear. "Pipe down on the caps Hediwg, jeeze. You're giving me a headache."

"I will bust a cap up your ass! Change me back! Change me back this instance!"

"Tch. Don't pretend you know what that is."

"Ahem," said the other figure with the voice of a thousand terrified drowning screams. "My payment, Harry James Potter?"

Harry turned to his regrettably invited guest. It was Cthulhu; the monstrous, vaguely squidy creature of the ocean deep, and ruler of terrors inconceivable. He was shrunk down to accommodate the room size, but his head still reached the ceiling and his wings took up most of the space in the dorm.

"Oh yes, of course." Harry pulled out the agreed upon sacrifice from his robe sleeve with a flourish. "Your Chicken McNuggets, my Lord."

Cthulhu plucked the McDonald's bag out of Harry's hand with the tips of claws. The little paper bag looked minuscule in the creatures King Sized hand, and twice as ridiculous. He/It/Squid Dude shook the bag a little, and a look of consternation passed over the creature's caviar orange eyes. "Where is the toy?"

"You…wanted the Hello Kitty watch?"

"Everyone wants the Hello Kitty watch!"

Harry pouted, whining, "But it's limited edition."

"You will relinquish the watch to me or relinquish your soul in its stead!"

There was a long pause as Harry weighed his options. His soul did not light up pink on the hour, or give a cute little jingle at midnight after all. "Fine," he sighed, handing over the coveted watch with all the petulance he could muster.

Cthulhu slipped the watch on, which barely fit the tip of Its smallest claw, and disappeared in a swirl of flames.

"Stupid Elder God," Harry grumbled, kicking invisible dirt with the toe of his shoe. "Watch s'not even water proof. Just wanted it to be a big jerk. Next time I'll pray to Ares for crimes against humanity; that'll show that overgrown calimari."

"Serves you right," Hedwig, the owl turned hot girl, huffed. "Ugh, just look at all this – this exposed skin. It's disgusting! And why are all my feathers on the top of my head? Humans are abominations! No wonder you're always whining about dying alone, who would want such a disfigured mammal? Platypuses make more sense than you cretins!"

Harry rolled his eyes at his owl's histrionics. What a bloody diva! "You know this is the only way you can go to the Ball with me, Hedwig. Can you imagine what Nanny McGonagall would do to me if I brought you as an owl? They would never find my body!"

Hedwig crossed her arms and lifted her nose, small and a little pointy, in the air. "You owe me so much bacon for this."

The raven haired boy wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close, grinning rakishly against her soft cheek. "Hedwig, my dear. I shall rain bacon upon you like a corporate executive showers Benjamin's on his most favored stripper."

~oOo~

Suddenly, a wild Yule Ball appears.

"Welcome everyone! To Hogwart's first Yule Ball," Dumbledore said from the Triwizard Tournament participant table. Phew! That's a mouthful. "I am sorry to say that The Weird Sister's will not be able to make it tonight because of a huge broom traffic jam in Argentina. Apparently a semi turned over on the center divider."

"Such a bad idea enchanting trucks to fly," Bagman murmured ruefully. "Not the Department of Interesting Forms of Transportation finest moment in history."

The crowd of students moaned and murmured their disappointment at the loss. But before a riot could break out, Dumbeldore raised a hand and continued. "Fret not, students, for I managed to pull a few strings and find a suitable replacement. Please give a hardy Hogwarts welcome to David Bowie and The Ghost of Freddy Mercury!"

There was a great round of applause as the curtains parted on the stage and the two juggernaughts of music waved at them. Harry gasped hugely and grabbed Hedwig, who was shoveling a plate of bacon down her gullet, and shook her like a Polaroid picture.

"Do mein eyes deceive!?" Harry whispered hysterically.

Hedwig eyed the duo, before giving an unimpressed sniff and returning to her bacon.

"Uncultured swine. And don't get crumbs and grease stains on that dress! We're still returning it!"

"Non-refundable," Hedwig said with her mouth full.

"We'll see about that. If I can talk to a Basilisk, then I can talk a sleazy sales person into taking that thing back!"

Hermione peered at Hedwig curiously. "Hello, I don't believe we met before. I'm Hermione."

She stuck her hand out for a shake. Hedwig stared at it with her wide eyes, then blinked slowly (her first blink of the night). She then grabbed her by the wrist and pumped it vigorously, much to Hermione's bafflement. It was better than Harry expected of her, at least. For a minute there he feared that she would nip Hermione on the ear. "Oh I know you! The paper from your books make the best nesting material. Soft, yet crisp enough to stay together."

Hermione froze. "…wh-wha?"

"Could you perhaps buy a National Geographic magazine next time? It's not as comfortable, but I want to look educated in front of that pompous ass Hermes."

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Harry laughed nervously, moving Hedwig by the shoulders to stand with him. "Silly Hedweena and her pathological lying! Let's go dance, shall we darling?"

Harry didn't wait for an answer, lest she traumatize poor Hermione further. Hedwig did her best following him to the dance floor. Even as an owl, her feet and legs were typically used for catching and tearing up prey, not walking around. She waddled for the most part, her expensive nine inch stiletto (another waste of money in Harry's opinion) clad feet pointed inward and tripping themselves up every few seconds. It gave a whole new meaning to the term "pigeon toed".

"Oh how I hate dancing," Hedwig groaned out. "Hermes is always making fun of me."

"That's it! We are reporting that cantankerous owl to the Headmaster. This constant harassment shall not stand."

"Noooo Harry! That'll just make things worse."

"Fine then. We'll prank the hell out of him instead."

Hedwig beamed. And it was quite endearing to see her hair fluff out like her feathers would whenever she was excited. "Oooooooh! Yes yes! Let's do that! Ha! He won't like that one bit. Then we'll see just who has early owl pattern baldness!"

Boy and owl-girl swayed from side to side in a slow circle. No need to trip his dear friend Hedwig up with any fancy footwork.

When it was close to the end of the night, Harry escorted Hedwig back up to the Owlry, carrying her piggy back since about halfway through the trek she simply collapsed to the floor and looked up at him with a protruding lip. By the time they reached the tower, Hedwig was back to the loveable owl she always was, and fast asleep. He climbed up the rafters and placed her in her nest, petting her soft white feathers lovingly.

As Harry walked back to Gryffindor Tower, a smile on his lips, he decided that he needed to keep in mind that he actually had three amazing, wonderful, do anything for him best friends. Not just two.

~oOo~

And that's the story of how Harry took Hedwig to the Ball ::snickers::

This fic is dedicated to my 300th Reviewer: The Shuiro Amaya

This wasn't her exact prompt, and unfortunately I took so long to reply that we lost contact. I still hope you like what I put up Shuiro! And thank you for reviewing.

This is also dedicated to all those fans out there who, oddly enough, really wanted Hedwig to be Harry's date lol. To tell the truth, now that I've written this, I'm actually warming up to the idea! Aww well, ideas for another time.

On another note, I've decided to place gift fics and maybe extras in one file instead of uploading them as single stories, especially since they're not that long. The two that I posted separately can now feel special. :D

Hope you all enjoyed! Review and RuRu shall be the happiest. XD

~RuRuLaLa