This is short, but I've been playing with it in my head for several months now. Follows 301 and 302 directly I think. Some insight into what our characters were thinking. Oliver is darker than usual but it feels kind of true to where he was at in those moments. Also, it makes me feel better considering the clusterf*ck that's been pretty much everything that's followed. No mentions of Ray (because well I can't stand him).

I promise I'm trying to write some more, I've just been so unhappy with the writing this season. So I'm starting with a fic that occurred before all of that.

Enjoy.

Oliver leaned against the fire escape and finally allowed himself to feel. Out of sight, but close to the only person who really mattered, he was able tofinally let go. He allowed himself to think back on the last few days and how much it had hurt, how much it had changed him.

He'd gotten careless. Things had been going so well for them all and he'd given in to his feelings for Felicity. The feelings that he'd been ignoring, supressing, since the moment he'd first laid eyes on her. Not only had she made him smile upon their first meeting, but she'd coaxed a smile out of him several years before as well. Amidst his trip back to Starling and watching the lives of those he loves falling apart, she pulled a smile from him. A bit of awkward mumbling at a photo of him that was frankly, creepy as hell, and she'd brought some light into his life.

So he'd given in. After years of other women, less important women, he'd decided he wouldn't wait any longer. He'd jumped in with both feet and he'd been careless. It was routine to check his suit for any damage or bugs after each mission. And there was no excuse for him not checking his suit that night before their date. He'd allowed his happiness and excitement to buoy him and distract him.

And she'd almost died.

It would have been game over if she hadn't woken up.

They accused him of not caring about his life, of only living for the mission. But at this point, he was only living for her. It had been that way since she and Diggle dropped onto the Island and brought him home. He fought in Tommy's name but he lived in Felicity's.

Tommy would forgive him for giving up. Roy would find Thea and Diggle would take care of the city. Oliver had been planning his revenge and his own end as Felicity lay there motionless in the lair.

He was unashamed to admit it, if only to himself. She'd be furious. And so would the others. But Felicity was the only light in his ever-darkening world.

But she'd survived. She'd managed to escape the incident relatively unscathed.

So he would continue to fight. But he refused to put her in danger again. He couldn't.

He almost took it all back when he saw Sara's body laid out on that same table. Sara who he'd cared for but whose death he'd ultimately had nothing to do with. He'd seen her there, dead for real this time, and he'd almost begged Felicity to take him back. Because death would take them all, eventually.

But his weakness had passed.

As they all stood around Sara's no longer empty grave, he'd glanced around at those who remained. He had watched Roy hold Felicity even as Laurel curled into his own arms. He had fought the irrational urge to rip Roy apart as his protégé comforted the woman Oliver loved. He had wondered if Felicity felt the same anger, the same hurt seeing Laurel in his arms. It didn't seem to matter that all of them were just friends. That Roy was much too young for Felicity or that Oliver hadn't really loved Laurel, maybe ever. The jealousy had burned thick and scorching as they all said their goodbyes to the Canary.

And so he leaned against the fire escape next to Felicity's window and allowed the rain to wash over him.

One thought sliced through him continually. One thought that he was both ashamed and sure of.

Of the two women that had been laid out on the med table that day, he would be forever grateful that Felicity was the one who had woken up.

Felicity listened to the rain pattering against her window and thick tears rolled down her cheeks. The last few days had been too much, too hard.

For a few hours there, everything had seemed perfect. They were heroes, and despite her lackluster job, she knew without a doubt that Oliver loved her.

She was not a woman who needed a man to complete her, to make her happy. But she had loved Oliver Queen since that first meeting. And hearing that he'd been just as enraptured, remembering the colour of the pen she was chewing for God's sake, had filled her with warmth.

So she had hoped, for a few brief moments as the two of them smiled adoringly at each other in the crowded restaurant. She'd imagined more dates and more of those warm smiles that only she seemed to elicit from Oliver.

And everything had shattered in a blast of orange and heat.

She had thought that seeing Sara dead might change his mind. She'd seen the struggle there, behind his eyes.

She'd felt the tension radiating off of him as Roy held her. Just as she had tried to suppress the jealousy over Laurel being comforted by him. She didn't fear Laurel's place in Oliver's life. He loved Felicity. But no matter how sweet Roy was, she'd yearned for Oliver's warm arms, for the strong beat of his heart under her ear.

She missed him. It seemed stupid to miss him so much when he was so close.

And he was close. She knew without looking that he was sitting out in the rain, leaning against her fire escape. Because he needed to be close to her, even though he'd pushed her as far away as he could.

He was stupid. Sitting out there in the rain, so close to happiness but instead choosing to wallow in his own misery.

But she was too. She could have fought him harder. She could have yelled until he saw it her way. Because he always came around.

But he wasn't ready. And neither was she.

So she turned her back on the window and refused to ask him to come in. And as she lay there awake throughout the night, she tried to hope again. She did her best to believe that this wasn't the end of their story. It was just a more complicated beginning than either of them would like. There was nothing simple about their lives. So it only made sense that their love would be complicated as well.

Thanks for reading.