Hey there guys! *gets smacked*

Alright, I deserved that. But hey, you missed me? Huh? Huh? I knew it! You missed me! Well, grab your top hat folks and strap in!~ Where taking a detour through the recesses of Satan's mind here! BTW, this is still GEN folks, this white-haired prick is just a scum-bag that took one look at the rulebook and said- "Hmm, it doesn't say it ain't fire-retardent!" *Zing*

Chapter Six: Love At First Fight I

SaTaN

The kid was a pint and a half. Nothing more than a few quarts of blood and other nasty fluids. His flayed skin wouldn't even amount to a descent bed sheet.

Still…

He's the fucking cutest little bugger I've seen in centuries…

The shiver that nearly split his spine in two at the mere sight of his flesh and blood wreathed in those Holy Flames- The fucking kid—who had just fallen off a bridge—was too stupidly engrossed in his own limb to see him at first but the child-like curiosity that lit his chubby face up even brighter than those brilliant azure embers nearly made Satan want to hug a kitten. He didn't do kittens. They were the spawns of Chaos. Sent to torment the souls of the damned.

He settled for clinging to his youngest son like a barnacle when they hit the water. Only then, once the rapids had swallowed them whole, had he allowed himself to laugh like the madman he knew he was. The motherfucking brat was a riot! Angel?! Who the fuck says something like that?!

The moment he had looked into his child's eyes he knew. That startling blue that was almost purple where it met the red glint of the iris- For a second. No, it was just a milli-second. Nothing and nobody will ever make him admit to more on the pain of eternal torture!

His Essence had hurt for that milli-second.

And then the deadly sin of pride made him smile so wide his lips started to bleed where the flesh of them split. It burned. Made him want to crush the tiny little thing he held in his arms into paste and bath in it. Devour it. Meld it to his own being so tightly it would never even have the option of leavingabadoningrunningaway from him. Remembering that the miserable little thing was about to black out he smashed their lips together to share air so the idiot didn't drown on him, ruining all his hard work while silently crowing snidely to himself that he was the greatest gift to Creation since souls were invented.

Take that Order!

And eat your heart out Chaos, Balance ain't so little anymore!

HE had made this tiny, delicate, lovely thing. Him!

…E, Yuri had helped—ok, fine she went through labor and everything, jeez give that perverted woman a fucking medal—but he had created this wonderful, miraculous thing of human flesh and Demon blood. Spent hours, days just spinning those little threads together, coaxing cells into life. Days. Weeks. Months. And, of fucking course- The moment he took his hands off it, the stupid little organism was turned to the dark side by that damn woman's body—betrayal, outright fucking mutiny! He had made something exquisite, and he doesn't fucking put that much effort into anything!

Just look at his other sons for fuck's sake! Well, ok, that was a bit much, he didn't exactly have to do anything for them besides exist—it wasn't like he was doing anything important at the time, like, say fighting the forces of Chaos and his mother-fucking army—and let humanity sort the particulars of those fucker's births out… He was nothing if not resourceful!

But one day…

It only took one day for his careful, motherfucking masterpiece to unravel.

He comes back to Consciousness and the stupid bitch all of a sudden was pregnant with twins!

He didn't plan for twins. He didn't want twins. But the moment he tried to mould the two cells back together it felt like he had been bitch-slapped across the universe. He still doesn't know what happened. It was like the Maw of Perdition had opened and he had glimpsed into the heart of Hell—true Hell aka Tartarus, not what those pussy-assed humans thought Gehenna was—Gehenna was a fine-as-ass motherfucker, with a handsome-as-fuck face thank you very much.

Just thinking about the terror that had gripped him when he tried to melt those two little specks—they were at the time, it wasn't such a big fucking deal!—back into one made him hold the eldest child of the two to his chest tighter. The other could just go…disappear somewhere. Far away from him.

Whatever old ass, crusty Eldritch thing that had taken half of his carefully woven together—and fucking genius—cellular structure for the ultimate being, and spliced that oddness into the currently—not for much longer, he grimly assumed if his spying had anything to say on that front—human one, should just jump straight into Tartarus where fucking abominations belonged. And if he, the fucking badass of the universe was saying that then it meant something dammit!

He had lived over several billion years by humanities calendar count—when they even started using the damn thing—but he had never felt that tingle of wrongness when he had laid attention upon that second sack of enzymes. Someone, something had fucked with his design and it had him pissed. That little mass of tissue and fluid wasn't that bad to look at, hell, anything that originated from Yuri was entitled to be more than easy on the eyes but anything that could sneak past him right under his nose was up to no fucking good! Who cared if it was all Yuri'sYuri'sYuri's?! The Demon God detested things he could not unravel, and that kid had some sort of anti-everything field plastered across its very being that even he could barely penetrate!

Yuri had just fucking cooed when he explained this very logical urge to stash the thing somewhere far away from Creation itself before it like, devoured Existence itself…and started knitting a second set of baby booties… The first pair had looked like they could be sleeping bags for midget anacondas. Though, that wouldn't have been so far from what their attended purpose was...he thinks. He couldn't quite understand the human textbooks and research papers on genetics enough to piece together how his original creation would have gloriously emerged if it had just stayed as a single fucking organism like it was told to!

It had to have a tail. Every Demon had a motherfucking tail. And breath fire. He had copied a manticore's impervious skin coda into the DNA somewhere too.

Of course, knowing that bitch, she probably swiped some of his genius ideas and fucked with them while he wasn't looking. She was just as curious as he was about Life in the Universe.

He still says it's her fault she had twins. Demon Gods—aka just this one fine specimen of a God—didn't have twins. That was not how things worked. No, just- No. He had enough damn sons already! He didn't want to be a single dad anymore!

While all this was running through his head, the white-haired fiend simultaneously freed both himself and the dazed brat from the rushing rapids of the river, kicked off the surface of it and proceeded to tease the fuck out of him when he landed on the bridge that was still tilted at an impossible angle for anyone to walk on unless their name was S-A-mutherfuckin'-T-A-N.

The inexplicable—and from any human's perspective, downright cringe-worthy—joy that came from holding his son in his arms had the slightly—alright, definitely—unhinged Demon God skipping while rocking the finally unconscious teen like he was a two-year-old. The blasted cursed piece of junk that sealed his cute baby's Heart away wrapped haphazardly in one of the chains trailing from his pants.

He would deal with the other object he found in the wreckage in a moment but first…

It was from this scene that the Demon Kings finally settled their squabbling and decided to not ruin the magnanimous mood of their dear overlord and father as he approached them, not a single drop of water soaking either of them anymore.

Iblis was the first to gain control of himself as per usual and stepping forward, bowed low, tone soft and posture submissive. "F-Father! To think you would grace us with your presence!"

Egyn would normally let him do all the talking but his regular jitteriness coupled with the nervous twitching at the sight of their supreme Overlord whistling happily made him whisper, "He's lost his marbles… Iggy, he's lost them! Completely this time. Iggy? Iggy! Does this mean I am the third most insane in Gehenna now? Iggyyyyyyy~ Stop ignoring meeee!"

Astaroth was sweating buckets after having released his full Demonic form making the flowing garments he wore nearly translucent from the perspiration. Despite the fact he was still carrying the limp Azazel over his shoulder he helpfully smashed his free and now normal-sized fist into Egyn's pie hole hoping to shut him up before he got them all battered and deep fried for their Lord Father's eating pleasure. Pan seared or blackened was still on the table as well and the King of Rot was certain that he liked the current state of brown his skin sported and not say…dark as charcoal and melting off his bones, thank you very much!

The white-haired Demon walked closer and closer, his chains clacking like a funeral hearse's fucked up suspension until he was right in front of the three Demon Kings, not even deigning to glance at them, his eyes only on the small curled up figure he held.

They all stiffened further at the now visible manic grin splashed across the man's face and waited for the punishment they silently knew they deserved for letting their grudge match irresponsibly distract them from catching their youngest brother.

And then he kept walking.

Not even looking at them.

Whistling.

And…cooing at the kid in his arms.

They blinked, flabbergasted and glanced side to side at each other in panicked confusion.

And then the hammer dropped. Satan was just evil like that.

"Which ever one of ya asshats caused this rusted-ass bridge to finally fall the fuck apart is gonna stand guard duty to the entrance of the fuckin' Necropolis for a fortnight."

The warped deity kept walking completely aware of their horrified faces staring at his retreating back while he snickered maliciously. "Alone."

And then he was gone, leaving the four Demon Kings to their second bloodbath of that day.

"Iblis."

"Iblis."

"Asta- Wait?! W-what?! Egyn?!"

"Sorry bro, but I'm already cookoo enough, I'll do a haaaaaard pass on the gate to that creepy as fuck bone yard!" Holding up a peace sign, the flighty Demon King backed away slowly.

"Seconded, plus, anyone can see the melted slag that used to be the bridge's main support." Face deadpanned and acting abnormally congenial towards his hated big brother, Astaroth clapped the older on the shoulder consolingly. Then heaving the still passed out couch-potato Azazel higher onto his shoulder, sauntered off with his free hand tucked into his robes without looking back.

"Tha-! It was hardly- Egyn! Are you seriously going to-" But as the flabbergasted Demon King swung around to man-handle his idiotic younger brother, he instead only found a slip of parchment impaled on a piece of crooked rebar in his place. "Take...his side-?!"

["Sucks to suck."]

"AAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH I'm gonna fucking kill you bastards!"

[Events in Assiah after Azazel's Ominous Question…]

{"Well, you know children Azazel, he was raised by Fujimoto Shirou after all~ Am I to be held responsible for every child acting like one and traipsing himself on adventures across dimensions? Shirou was far worse as kid you know…} Giving a sly look towards the others in the room the Demon King added with a hint of wryness, {At least this one isn't trying to start a war… Or need I remind you of Shirou's none too subtle declaration of hostilities against all of Demon kind?"}

This was the answer Samael, the Demon King of Time gave. He thought he was being quite reasonable. And patient, given the fact he could hear the wind howling in tandem with Azazel's growing rage across the phone line.

But honestly… Every single last one of them! Samael was a Demon who revelled in chaos but that didn't mean he liked it when things went spiralling out of his admittingly very vast control! Deviation was fine and all, but why must everyone be so- So difficult! Okumura Rin really is without a doubt…a being that can shake the very foundations of what is possible and impossible… If he hadn't been in the presence of both the Grigori and his own subordinates Mephisto would have grimaced and allowed his quietly seething anger to show but alas...

Still on speaker phone, everyone could hear the piercing whistling of the raging storm across the line and thus they also heard it die down into a silly but damning exclamation from the ditzy albino.

{"I see. I had forgotten, how is Shirou by the way?!~ We haven't talked in ages! That rascal, he's probably busy flipping women's skirts and what not! ~"}

Blinking in consternation, Samael wondered if it would be too cruel to give the semi-lifeless husk the other portion of said Spirit King inhabited a good and thorough flaying. Before he could reply though-

"What is the meaning of this Sir Pheles? Is that truly Azazel-san?"

Not giving even a second to parse the stupidity that was his younger brother, the Demonic man sighed, a long-suffering expression seizing its chance to settle on the usually grinning visage. Turning to face the mint and forest green robe-clad man who was actually the stand-in for said idiot of a brother on the Grigori's council he levelled a deadpan look their Honors way. "Yes, just like the crystalized mound of sand and limestone you stand vigil over is. Just because he returned to nature doesn't mean he is outside of Satan's purview."

Yukio was the next to start flinging questions. "Wait? What?! There is another Demon King working for you?" Gritting his teeth in frustration, the beryl-eyed boy felt his head swim with every new revelation. None of this makes any sense!

"A-and he knew Father too?!" Becoming angrier by the minute, the already deeply disturbed Okumura twin stalked forward intent on shaking the answers out of the Demon in front of him if it was the last thing he could do, damn the consequences! AniisAllmyfaultWhyWhydidthishavetohappenIshouldhavestoppedhim!IshouldhavestoppedhimIshouldhavestoppedhim!

Sensing the building desperation and emotion clouding his young charge's mind, the amethyst-haired man placed his hands up in a placating manner towards the advancing teen's form, wheedling, "Now, now Okumura-sensei there is no need for aggression I'm sure once things die down we can talk properly but right now-"

Shaking his head in distress the brunet growled, latching onto the phone in the older man's hand. "Never mind! Just shut up! What does it even matter?! You won't give me a straight answer anyway! If the Demon King of Spirits is on your side make him help Ani! Before it's too late!"

The metallic noise of a blade being levelled behind his back caused the teen to look behind himself in shock, momentarily snapped out of his crushing self-loathing, "Now hold on, just a fuckin' minute! I know you got a lot on your plate right now, four-eyes, but Mephisto needs to explain just what's he's playin' at! He obviously knows more of what's going on than we do!"

Another blade slammed down onto the concrete floor from the tables direction, the until now silent Paladin throwing in his concerns as well into the quickly devolving argument. "Yes, do pray tell, what is it you are up to? If I remember correctly, Phantom Trains fall under your list of Kin, Demon, I find it hard to believe there was nothing you could do to stop this from occurring?" A steel-like glint shone in his hard grey eyes. "Unless this was your plan all along? To deliver the Son of Satan to Gehenna right under our noses after allowing him to spy on our operations?"

Sighing in a previously hidden tone of aggravation, Mephisto bit out, "I think all of you are forgetting the most important thing here. No matter whose fault it was or what caused it, Okumura Rin is now in Gehenna! And Satan will without a doubt-"

oH~ DiD sOmEoNe RiNg?

The ethereal voice that came from the other side startled everyone. Within seconds the very air chilled, a silent terror invading the room.

WeLl, WeLl,WhO iS tHiS? aN eXoRcIsT? Or MaByE mY wAyWaRd SoN?

Swallowing hard Samael felt a drop of sweat fall but did not utter a word. There was nothing he could actually get out really.

There existed prey and predator…but this entity was beyond such things as Life and Death. The breadth of its abnormality always laid like an all-consuming black hole's gravity upon Samael's mind, invoking a silent terror that made him almost pity humankind's near perpetual state as food.

"Y-you-!" The brunette on the other hand nearly dropped the phone out of shear horror, the blood leaving his face turned the teen's a shade paler than a corpse.

TeLl SaMmY dEaReSt ThAnK'S fOr ThE lOvElY gIfT~ As FoR tHe ReSt Of YoU...

And then the phone burst into blue flames, molten plastic and burnt bits of electronics scattering every which way explosively.

hE's MiNe.

Yukio let it drop from his hand more from instinct than any real desire to let his last link to his twin go.

So YoU aLl CaN dIE nOw~

The room was silent, the last words that had rung from the mobile hanging sinisterly in the air.

"Nii- ...san?"

Yukio stared blankly, brokenly at the last remaining wisps of fire devouring his phone not moving even after it finally snuffed itself out, the silence deafening.

Shiemi was first to reach for him, one hand covering her mouth and tears pulling in her chartreuse-eyes. "Y-Yuki-"

He stiffened, fingers clenching till they turned white from the force exerted on them before whirling around, a fire in his eyes that had never shown itself to anyone but his own mirror reflection. It was an expression that would not have looked out of place on Satan's own face. "What?! What is it that you could possibly say?! Some meaningless platitude? Some stupid condolence? Grow up! Nii-san is-! He's-! He's as good as dead!"

The blonde girl took a step back, hurt by the rage she could see on his face, and struggling to not let her tears fall she squared her shoulders, took a deep breath and choking back tears, did what she had to through her haze of tears. "Yuki, Rin wouldn't want this-"

"Oh, and you know what he wants?!" Face marred by disgust the young Exorcist snapped before laughed hollowly, "Oh, fuck you-!"

And then she slapped him, face scrunched up, tears finally falling down her flushed cheeks and knees knocking. "Stop this!" But still, the blonde continued to hold that fierce look of determination in her emerald eyes.

"He's not! Rin won't!" She suppressed a sob and hiccupped, "H-He's strong! S-strong enough to fight! And to win!" Shoulders shaking and chocked cries causing her lips to wobble, the forest green-eyed teen shook her head viciously, fingers twisting into her plated skirt tightly, voice trembling but her words resounding with her iron belief, "Rin will make it back! You can't give up! Rin wouldn't if it was you!"

Clutching shredded red fabric that was the only thing left behind of Rin's to her chest, she sniffed, mouth set in a hard line before looking the grieving man in front of her in his grieving, lost eyes, belief shining strongly therein. "He will. Because that's- That's just the kind of person he is!"

'Cause I'm also a demented scumbag #thecakewasalie #byegoldbye