"I think we should talk about our relationship," Emma said suddenly, a dark leather intruder in Regina's very neat, very organized kitchen. She went to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of Yoohoo that Regina had meant for Henry.

"Which relationship?" Regina asked. "Our fake lesbian one or—"

Emma tapped her nose with her finger as she drank. "Yup," after she finished, "that's the one."

"What about it? It's just an excuse to let me be close to Henry until we get his memory back. Don't tell me you want to make a fake family album to fool him. There's telling your kid about Santa Claus, and then there's putting on red with fur trim."

Emma had a sudden vision of Regina in a Santa Claus outfit. It was not a bad vision. "I was thinking that since we were supposedly all up in each other's biz—"

"Not how I would put it," Regina said quickly.

"We should get our stories straight." She drank. "So to speak."

"That's actually a good idea, Emma."

"Think you could manage saying that with a bit less incredulousness?"

"I was trying." With a quick incantation to the gods of chaos, Regina summoned up a glass of wine. "Very well, Emma. Let's think about how very gay we were."

Emma swaggered herself up onto the island, while Regina leaned back against the counter.

"How'd we meet?" Emma asked.

"Something involving alcohol," Regina replied instantly.

"Mixer?"

"Yes."

"I asked you to dance—"

"I asked you to dance."

"You? Regina, I've seen Mormons that are less socially awkward."

Regina spread her hands. "Mormons are very friendly people, I don't understand the comparison."

"Anyway, let's just agree that if anyone were to hit on anyone, it'd be me. On you."

"Yes, all over me."

Emma leaned her head forward. "Hmm?"

"You'd had a few drinks, you were lonely because your last relationship ended with your boyfriend dumping you for a transgender rodeo clown."

"Hey, my relationships end on good terms, I'm a very cool chick!"

"Everyone in this room who's been incarcerated as a result of a break-up…" Regina kept her hand resolutely down, checking her nails as she sipped her wine.

"Okay, maybe I was a little desperate. But you were wearing one of those dresses that makes your boobs do the thing."

"What thing?"

"You know the thing. I've seen you checking yourself out."

"You know, I am sick of the people in this town reducing me to my cleavage." Regina snorted. "I have a great ass too, if you care to notice."

"Fine, you were wearing a pant suit with really tight pants."

"Thank you."

Emma scratched her ear curiously. "Is this part of your apple theme?"

"Apple theme?"

"You know, cuz your ass is—never mind."

Regina sauntered a little closer to Emma. "My ass is a scrumptious Georgia peach, Emma. If you must know."

"Okay, you've now put a weird amount of thought into it."

"Your ass is an orange."

"Uh… thanks."

"Mary-Margaret's ass—"

"Let's just stop there."

"You think about these things, living in the same town for twenty-eight years."

"Is you having a crush on my mom going to be part of our fake relationship?"

"No." Regina tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I'm thinking Roman Holiday for our courtship. I took you to get your hair cut stylishly, gave you a Vespa ride, beat up some Secret Service men for you—"

"Hold on, how come you get to be Gregory Peck?"

"We're a couple, we can remember it differently. But don't tell him I got a haircut, my hair was perfect even back then."

"Touchy subject?" Emma keened.

"No, I'm just very proud of my timeless look." Regina ran a hand through her hair. "You should've seen your mother with eighties hair. She looked like she was trying out for KISS."

"Moovin' on—" Emma announced.

"Let's go with you being a deputy back then. There's no way I would've lowered myself to sleep with a tramp."

"Whoa, things getting personal all of a sudden."

Regina floated her wineglass around dismissively. "In the Charlie Chaplin sense, not in the—" She gestured at Emma.

"In the me sense!?"

"Dear, you slept with a monkey."

"I was in a very committed relationship with that monkey!"

Regina's lips compressed into a thin line. "Moving on?" she asked once Emma had realized what she'd said.

"Yes. Please."

"We stumbled across a man selling black-tar heroin and had him arrested, you cuffing him and me serving as an eyewitness to the crime."

"You think that's believable?"

"I think that's the most believable part of us being in a relationship. Besides, I want to give Henry an anti-drug message."

"Me too. I just don't want to be all Mom about it."

"Speaking of, you haven't—" Regina led on.

"Haven't?" Emma pressed

"Well, I've heard of father who let their kids have a sip of beer now and then, maybe take a puff on a cigarette…"

"Regina, I can count the number of drinks I've had in the past year on a single hand. It hasn't been an issue. I just didn't have the time to get blotto."

"How… mature," Regina said, with something not unlike pride in her voice. "And you haven't… smoked hashish either, have you?"

"Hashish!?"

Regina's hand fizzled in the air. "Or reefers, jazz cigarettes, whatever you want to call them. Wacky tobacky."

"Whacky to—what are you, my grandmother?"

"Technically."

Emma smiled like a shark. All teeth. "Believe it or not, Regina, as a woman in her thirties, I do not spend a lot of time with the sticky icky."

"Alright then. Be proud of that."

"I will not," Emma shot back. "Okay, no more role-playing our fake relationship. I'm starting to feel like a thirteen-year-old girl on tumblr. Bulletpoints. Middle name?"

Regina smiled. "Millicent."

"Oof."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. But no wonder you turned evil."

Regina crossed her arms. "And what's your middle name, princess?"

"Grace," Emma chimed.

Regina laughed darkly.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, nothing. You're right. It's not that funny. Kind of obvious, really. Like calling a bald man Curly, a big guy Tiny—"

"I've got a shitload of grace, lady. Birthdays? Mine's July 28th."

"November 5th."

"A Scorpio? Big surprise there."

"The Zodiac, Ms. Swan? You do of course know it's nonsense, right?" Emma went 'guff'. "Speaking as someone who uses magic for a living, it's nonsense."

"That is such a Scorpio thing to say."

Regina pressed on. "Anniversary?"

"January 12th."

"As if you'd remember it."

"Favorite food?"

"Seafood."

"Same here."

They looked at each other oddly.

"Favorite movie?"

"Double Indemnity," Regina answered.

"Star Wars."

"Original or prequels?" Regina teased.

"Don't test me, woman. Favorite book?"

"Wuthering Heights."

"A Tale of Two Cities."

Regina's face twisted. "Really?"

"Oh, yeah, it didn't even have pictures," Emma said sarcastically. "Favorite superhero?"

"As a grown woman, I'm sure I don't have one."

"I'm just gonna tell him it's Thor."

"Not Thor, God. Captain America."

Emma looked at her incredulously.

"Well, what's yours?"

"Spider-Man."

"After that last movie?" Regina made a rude, though poised, sound.

"Alright, I think we now know way too much about each other. Just like a real couple."

Regina glanced at the clock. "Oh, look at the time. I was supposed to have dinner in the oven." Regina reached to get her cookbook from the same shelf under the window.

"There is one thing we haven't discussed."

"And what's that?" Snagging the book, Regina turned around to find Emma was standing right in front of her.

"Sex," Emma said confidently.

Regina blinked. "Was that a question—?"

"How was the sex?"

"Oh… it was good, I think. It was very, very good."

"Of course it was. And who was on top?"

"I hardly think Henry's going to ask that."

"It'll be good to know. For our characters."

Regina's eyes smoldered confidently. "Well then, if you must know—I've never been on the bottom in my life."

"Then that explains why we were such a good match." Emma grinned. "When I showed you just how good it was."

"Oh?"

Emma leaned in closer. "You have to admit, it's a pretty compelling picture. You… on your back. Your legs spread. Holding onto the headboard for dear life. Begging me to let you come just one more time."

Regina leaned forward herself. "Oh, yes, very compelling. The same way The Room would be, or that Birdemic movie. But in the actual realm of possibility—you'd be up against the wall, biting your lip, hoping I don't put any more fingers in you at the same time you'd be willing to sell your soul for just one more."

"Well then, looks like we've come to an impasse."

"Looks like."

"I suppose there's only—one way to figure out which it is." Emma reached out. As daringly as she would poke a troll, she popped the first button on Regina's blouse.

"Oh, Ms. Swan, are you sure?" Just as daringly, Regina ran a finger down Emma's cheekbone. "I'd hate for you to have to compare your next monkey to—" Her finger continued downward, dropping open her next button, "all this."

"That's the difference between you and me, Mills. Because when you compare all the future conquests in your life to me—" Emma suddenly fisted her hand in Regina's hair, drawing her head back, baring her throat. "I won't hate it at all."

She kissed Regina. Though a helpless moan filled the air, it was impossible to tell which woman it came from.

Then the pantry door opened and Emma Swan fell out, pulling off enough of her bindings to rip the gag out of her mouth. "STOP KISSING ME!"

Regina turned suddenly. "Wait—the Savior kissing me—and also being tied to a chair?" She pursed her lips. "Did I eat chili before bed again?"

The somewhat tied-up Emma growled. "It's some kind of—face your deepest fear bullshit. Yeah, I know, my greatest fear is myself, it's so fucking lame. I told her, I said I already came to terms with the fear of abandonment thing, the orphan thing, I know what my issues are! But no, we have to do another fucking afterschool special thing."

"Well, judging by her vocabulary, that's the genuine article," Regina mused.

Other Emma glared daggers at Emma. "Your greatest fear isn't yourself, you—blonde! It's how gay you are."

"I'm not gay!"

"You're just tied up in a woman's kitchen watching her kiss another woman."

"You tied me up! And gagged me! What kind of sick mind even thinks about that?"

Regina coughed uncomfortably.

Emma pulled off another rope. "Something to add, honey?"

"Don't bring me into this—"

"Oh, I think you've been doing a good job of 'bringing yourself' all on your own. Bringing yourself off, that is. Like—like an orgasm… you were going to have an orgasm…" Emma growled again. "I'm so fucking pissed I can't even quip right now! Regina, how could you make out with me? Has the only thing between my tongue and your esophagus been five minutes of flirting all this time?"

"I live in the moment," Regina said defensively.

"No, you don't, you're a Scorpio," Other Emma retorted.

Roaring, Emma stood and ripped the gag from where it hung around her throat. "Okay! Okay, I'm cool. Regina, fry that bitch if she tries anything!"

"You mean like—this?" Other Emma asked, grabbing Regina's ass.

"Fry her!" Emma said instinctively.

Regina was looking at Other Emma's hand on her ass. "I worry that would come off as a little homophobic."

"God, you're the frickin' magician lady! You wanna contribute to this discussion or should I just leave you two alone so you can do it!"

"Would you?" Other Emma asked. "Speaking for myself, I was really enjoying that."

Regina blushed.

"Don't blush!" Emma ordered. "I can't believe this!"

"Emma, calm down," Regina urged. "There's some beer in the refrigerator."

Emma looked at Other Emma petulantly. "I don't want beer. I want a Yoohoo."

"Well, the other Emma drank all the Yoohoo."

Other Emma stuck her tongue out. Emma mouthed something rude.

"And the downside of this quickly becomes apparent," Regina said. "Now then, if we can all remain calm for five seconds—Other Emma, you say you're Proper Emma's greatest fear?"

"She's afraid of how much she wants to kiss you," Other Emma confirmed. "She thinks about you in the shower sometimes and—"

"I would wrestle you to the ground and slap the shit out of you right now," Emma screamed at her doppelganger, "if I didn't think Regina would get off on it."

"She came onto me!" Regina protested.

"You were giving her all the signals," Emma shot back.

"Well, I thought she was you! Those were your signals!"

"Gaaaaaaay," Other Emma chimed in.

"Shut up!" they both told her.

Regina began to pace, kneading her temples between her hands. "Alright… Emma, this sounds like nightroot. It's a magical plant that when ingested, causes someone's deepest fear to manifest in the form of their mirror image so they can literally face their fear."

"How does crap like that even evolve?" Emma asked.

"Take it up with Richard Dawkins. This is very important, Emma. Have you eaten anything that someone may have tampered with?"

"Well, I did take some coffee from Mary-Margaret's new midwife."

"And thought she was hot," Other Emma added.

"Shh!" Emma told her.

"Alright then, we should take care of her," Regina said.

"Jealous?" Other Emma asked.

"Shh!" Regina told her.

"And I got some fish from Ariel," Emma added. "Ruby gave me some free donut holes. Barry, you know, the farmer—he had an extra muffin. Robin Hood let me have a slice of his pizza. Dr. Whale gave me a bagel…" Emma noticed the stares Regina and Other Emma were giving her. "I'm a princess, okay, people give me free food! You say no to that!"

"Speaking as a doppelganger of you, you need to watch your weight," Other Emma said.

"I am really getting sick of this bitch," Emma sneered.

"I'm you. I'm literally you."

"I'm cool and nice and awesome. You're just weird and skanky and—oh my god, does my nose really look like that?"

"Emmas, please!" Regina insisted. "It's clear to me that having the two of you around is a nightmarish horror—not that we needed to prove that—so this curse must be lifted."

"Yeah!" Emma cheered. "Purple smoke her ass, baby!"

"Baby," Other Emma repeated. "What a giveaway!"

Very calmly, Regina began undoing the rest of the buttons on her blouse. "And, as this Emma is a manifestation of your greatest fears, she can only be dispelled by conquering those fears."

"Uhh, Regina?" Emma began. "I can see your dirty pillows."

"Hell yeah you can," Other Emma agreed.

"And if your fear is being intimate with me," Regina continued, stepping out of her pumps, "then we'll just have to—" She raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, no, nononono!" Emma said. "Well, I mean, if we have to—"

"I think just watching would count." Regina unzipped her skirt. "Other Emma, if you'd accompany me to the bedroom?"

Emma grabbed her double's arm. "Whoa, you're just gonna… frick-frack, knowing you'll dissolve or whatever?"

Other Emma nodded at Regina, who was leading the way in her bra and panties. "But what a way to go!"

Pulling free, she hurried after Regina.

Regina slowed to look at the real Emma. "In fact, I think even just listening to us would do the job. Or perhaps just knowing what's happening."

"We'll just have to try until we figure it out!" Other Emma said. She didn't have to sound so enthused, Emma thought.

"Hey, wait!" Emma called. "How do you know that she's the clone and I'm the real deal?"

"Besides the fact that she's said she's your doppelganger and you've said you're the real Emma?" Regina asked.

"We could be lying."

"Why would the real Emma lie about that, it would be completely illogical, idiotic, downright—I take your point."

"So, you know…" Emma slid a shoulder strap off. "Just to be on the safe side…"

"Yes?"

It was embarrassing to say. But it wasn't embarrassing to make a Star Trek reference.

"Fuck us both, Spock. It's the only way to be sure."