When Your Soul Finds The Soul

A Supernatural Destiel Fanfiction

The morning light shined through the crappy motel curtains, the one bed in the room stripped in bright lines. Cars could be heard outside the room, the odd conversation of people walking past. But to Dean Winchester everything was faded.

Hey lay on his side, his back to the window and the man in the bed with him. Castiel lay staring at Dean's back, noting the several faded scars that were there. Both men lay still and silent, in fear of the other one bringing up the events of last night, neither could explain what happened it just…did.

Cas being the angel he was, could lie there for as long as he could, but Dean. Dean wanted back on the road. Wanted to meet up with Sam and Bobby. Wanted to avoid this situation. Realising he couldn't stay in the bed, naked, with his back to Cas forever, Dean let out a loud sigh and sat up.

Cas, not entirely sure what to do in the situation, sat up too, watching Dean carefully as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and pulled on his boxers. It was a tense moment of silence until Cas spoke up.

"Good morning, Dean."

He didn't know what he expected to happen. Dean turn around and smile at Cas saying good morning back? Dean turn around and plant a kiss on Cas' lips, carefully and passionately like he did last night?

Dean didn't turn around. He didn't plant a kiss on Cas' lips. He reached for his cell phone on the dresser, to check for any missed calls or unread messages. He did, however, quickly mutter "Morning." but Cas wouldn't have heard it if he hadn't been listening properly.

Dean locked his cell and placed it back on the dresser. He kept his back to Cas, unsure what to say or do. This was so hard for him. Usually after sex, Dean would be up and flirty with his exercise buddy but this was Cas. The angel. The angel who was family to Dean. Dean couldn't feel that way about Cas. Did Dean feel that way about Cas? Did Cas feel that way about Dean? Cas could just be confused. Thinking that this is what humans do and it never means anything. Dean usually had it like that with most people he slept with but last night…last night was different.

Last night, it wasn't sex…it was love making.

Dean and Cas had made love.

Dean felt so much last night. So much happiness and heat and lust. Much more than he had with Lisa, or Cassie, or anyone he's ever been with it.

Oh god. Dean was in love with Cas.

Cas who wasn't really in his real body.

Oh god, Dean had made love to Cas but Jimmy…

"How…how are you feeling?" Cas had felt that they had kept quiet too long.

For the first time since his climax last night, Dean turned to Cas and looked at him sadly and deeply.

Cas' face displayed a look of concern as he saw tears forming in Dean's eyes. Cas shuffled over to him quickly.

"Dean?" His voice dripping with worry. "What is it?"

"What have we done, Cas?" Dean's words came out in a shaky, whisper, as tears began to fall. "It wasn't right."

Cas' heart broke, but he couldn't let Dean know that. "You mean…last night?" Cas didn't know how else to describe it other than last night.

"What we did….it was wrong." Dean's mind was blank and his heart was full of pain.

"You, regret it?"

Dean waited a moment before speaking again. "I don't know." His eyes fell to his knees. "We raped Jimmy." Cas had never heard Dean sound so full of pain and fear and sadness as he did then.

"Dean, no." Cas tried to soothe, but Dean continued to cry. "Jimmy's dead, you know that."

Dean's stunningly green eyes returned to Cas' beautiful blue. "Are you sure? Honestly, Cas are sure?"

No. Cas wasn't sure. He only hopes, that Jimmy is dead. Dean's words were like bullets. We raped Jimmy. Cas never answered Dean's question but Dean knew.

Rubbing his palms across his eyes to dry away the tears, Dean stood up from the bed and walked over to his duffle.

"We can't do this, Cas." He said honestly. His voice dripped with pain. Every word, Dean spoke was like both men were being stabbed in the chest. "Not until we can be sure. Properly sure, not just living off theory." Dean desperately wanted to continue. I love you. I love what happened last night. I don't want to give this up. Oh god….I love you. "Jimmy doesn't deserve this, if he's still in there."

Cas was still sat on the bed, eyes focused on the sheets. "I understand, Dean."

Dean headed over to the bathroom, in much need of a shower. Cas shifted to get off the bed, but halted when Dean turned to him and spoke in his most clear voice.

"I'm sorry, Cas."

Dean was. Truly and deeply. Cas could tell from that look in his eye. That look of deep hatred in himself.

Cas wanted to say something back but he didn't know what he could say.

Dean just turned into the bathroom, and turned on the shower.

Cas stood up from the bed and headed over to the door.

He wanted to knock. He wanted Dean to walk out so that he could promise to never forget their night, their moment. But Cas knew it would only hurt Dean more if he said that. The angel just went around the room, gathering his belongings. While Dean….Dean stood in the shower, letting pained sobs escape him, the warm water thrashing at his skin, forehead please harshly against the tiled wall, Dean wished it didn't have to be like this. Wished that Cas' vessel was his real body so that this didn't have to be the way things had to go. Dean realised in that moment that the guilt would stay with him wherever he would go now. They was no one to help him. He couldn't tell Sam or Bobby. Dean was alone. With his voice screaming at him in his head.

We raped Jimmy.