Outsiders Fan Fiction

Holding On

Chapter one:

You know it's really hard being a little sister. Especially a Curtis sister.

I was six when my parents died in a car crash and I have all since forgotten them now that I'm fifteen. My oldest brother Darrel, whom we call Darry, took custody of me and my two other brothers Sodapop and Ponyboy. Their "gang" became more like a real family, but even then I stood out. I was the youngest and the only girl so I already felt like a loner.

Two-bit Matthews and Steve Randle were nice to me, but wouldn't even stand to be around me if it weren't for my brothers. Dallas Winston treated me like a sister and though he'd be caught dead saying it out loud, I think he cares about me. Johnny is my favorite out of the whole bunch. I know for a fact that he loves me, and right about now that's one of the only things that gets me through the days.

Everything that could have gone bad seemed to. I tried to stay close to them, afraid that one day I'd fall asleep without saying good night and when I woke up they'd be gone, leaving me wishing I could have said I love you one more time.

Ponyboy and his best friend Johnny got caught up in some murder rap and after that, I'm sorry to say, it became all about him. He was the one that would get somewhere someday, Sodapop babied him, Darry was protective of him, and I was just the Curtis accessory. Then Pony published The Outsiders which he so conveniently left me out of and I was history. Sure he lied about a couple of things, I mean Johnny and Dally almost died, but they didn't. But leaving me out of it entirely? I started to feel like they were giving me subtle hints to pack up and leave.

I just couldn't understand it. I was just as smart as my older brother, but maybe they didn't see it because I was only eight and they couldn't seem to have a firm grasp on the fact that maybe I was understanding what was happening around me.

Then when Ponyboy graduated college and said he'd be moving away, the gang realized that maybe Tulsa was getting too small for them too. I remember that day. That one god awful day when almost everyone I loved got up and left me with Darry, moving all around the country it seemed, I can't get it out of my head if I tried.

"Do you promise you'll come visit on the weekends?" I sniffed, not letting go of my brother. He'd sort of taken on the role of my mother and I could plainly recall what happened to my last one.

He sighed and held me tighter before releasing me so he could look into my eyes. "Every weekend. I'll even call you every night before bed so it'll be like I'm tucking you in at night with Darry, savvy?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice to form complete sentences. He got up, sparing me one last glance, then threw his duffel bag over his shoulder and went out the door.

He was the last one to go. I'd already made my farewells to Two-bit, Steve, Dally, Johnny, and Ponyboy, and I still couldn't believe they were going.

I watched as his car left, leaving behind a broken house. It was just me and Darry now, but it felt empty without them. I wasn't going to blame them. They sacrificed most of their lives for me. And I know I'm being selfish, but I wished they had waited until I was all grown up too.

But they promised they'd come back to live in Tulsa when I was thirteen so they could help Darry with my crazy messed up teenage years.

I could tough it out until then, right?

Well my thirteenth birthday came and went and I knew they'd forgotten about their promise. In fact, I think all of my brothers forgot they had a sister, even the one that lived with her.

The whole gang had made good on their visiting for the first couple of months. They'd come and stay in our house for the weekends and for those days everything felt like it should. But then Steve stopped visiting, claiming he was too busy. Then Two-bit stopped saying he was always too drunk to remember and needed to work for his rent on the weekends. Then Pony stopped because he went back to college in some far off state. And finally Soda stayed away because now he had his own garage to run.

I started to need to depend on Darry more and he started to not be there for me. He started drinking, which I'd never seen him do before. He started yelling at me a lot more. He started to become a regular greaser, and I knew he wished he could move out of this town too if it weren't for me and I started to hate myself every day because of it.

But Dally and Johnny still visited. They were room mates in some apartment in Chicago so if one came they both did. They became the ones I called when I was in trouble or needed help with something because I couldn't count on anyone else anymore.

And I needed a lot of help. We moved out of our house and into a new one, a smaller one. Darry got a girlfriend who hated my guts and was sure to show it physically. Darry would go for months at a time avoiding me in our own house for reasons I couldn't fathom. I got into some trouble around town.

My reasoning was that if I became a wayward teen, Darry would start caring and yelling at me to straighten out. And just maybe he'd call all six of my missing brothers so come back and talk some sense into me. But he never noticed.

I would drink, I'd hang out with the wrong guys, I'd go looking for trouble, I'd go and run away, and let me tell you it brought more harm than good.

And suddenly I realized that everything that could go wrong hadn't happened all those years ago, it was happening now.

My epiphany probably came after the worst of it, I was at the lowest I could get. I ran away to New York for five weeks, and having "the time of my life". One night I was leaving a party in a bad part of town and someone jumped me. I was raped and shot and I was barely alive when some garbage men found me and called the hospital.

The shot had hit some important internal organs and I only just made it through. That's when I decided I needed to call someone to help me. Dally and Johnny came like my knights in shining armor, but Johnny was the only one who knew about the rape. It really freaked me out.

When I got home, Darry's girlfriend Cathy beat me for coming back at all. Apparently she was about to inform Darry that I'd been gone so long, wasn't coming back, and now they could enjoy their lives together free of me. Then she chucked a letter at my head.

"Here! They keep calling and asking where you are so just take it and tell them to leave us the hell alone."

I opened it and discovered that it was from a school called Briar Prep. They were the classiest private school in the entire mid west and they were offering me a full scholarship. I knew I was smart, but I didn't expect this.

I was already running down the hallway before I could realize, ready to tell Darry. I found him sitting at the kitchen table, looking way too tired for a twenty-eight year old, but I hoped he could be happy for me.

Then he said, "Whatever the hell you want, it can wait. I have to get these bills paid which is becoming a struggle with all the shit I have to buy you." Then he looked back down at his papers.

I started crying and raced to my bedroom, slamming the door. I'd run away in the first place after Darry's speech that Cathy was moving in and their decisions were for both of them. It confirmed that Darry must want his girlfriend to hit me everyday.

He doesn't even buy me anything. I work odd jobs around the town to pay for clothes I can buy used at the thrift shop while he practically buys Cathy all the shoes and jewelry she wants.

So I forged Darry's signature and started attending Briar Prep. I moved into my best friend Benjamin's house. He was a Soc whose parents had always tried to have a girl but miscarried every time. I hung out with a new crowd, became friendly with every person I met in town, started a band, continued to visit with Dally and Johnny, struggled to get over my fear of being raped, made straight A pluses, and still tried to get my brothers to notice me.

That was a year ago and Darry has yet to even realize that I've moved out.

Yeah, it's hard being a Curtis sister when you've just about given up hope that anyone cares about you at all. You're so close to taking your own life, but hanging on that small hope that they'll waltz in one day to apologize and tell you how much they love you.

It's unrealistic, but I have to at least try to imagine because they're my brothers, and they deserve that much.

My name is Izzie Anne Curtis and this is only the beginning.