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Ch. 4 Finding My Future

(OWEN)

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that," Spinner says. "Randall doesn't care, and is too focussed on his young wife and son to worry about Clare. Even when Omar told him she was so sick. Jake has emergency custody all this week, and Omar was going to see about Jake getting permanent custody. But he's only 18, and I know we are young, but I was wondering how you would feel about taking custody of Clare in September so Jake can go away to school?" Spinner asks, and tries to gage Emma's reaction.

"Well, I do love Clare, but wait," Emma says, and looks up at Jake again, "Jake how do you feel about everything?" she asks.

"To be honest, I've barely processed all of this. I hate my father, and now I despise Clare's parents for how they have absolutely no feeling for her, or her well-being. Right now I really miss my mom," he says, "she would be rolling over in her grave to know that my father could do this to me, or to Clare who we've known since she was about 6," he pauses a moment and appears to be thinking about Spinner and Emma's offer, "thank you both for such a kind gesture, and I appreciate it wholeheartedly, but she's my little sister, and I think it's my responsibility to take care of her now," Jake finishes, but I can see the apprehension in his eyes even as he says it.

"I hope I'm not over-stepping here, but Jake, maybe it might be good to think about all your options, including the one Spinner and Emma made before you make a final decision. I mean you have all week, I think, so why don't you sleep on it, and talk to Omar, and everyone tomorrow or Tuesday, and see what feels right. Today's been a long day, and Clare's supposed to be awake tomorrow, and I'm sure she'd like to have an opinion in this decision affecting her life," I remind Jake.

"Thanks Owen," he says with a smile at me, before turning toward Spinner and Emma again, "Would it be alright with you both if I took some time to think about this a bit?"

"Of course Jake, we just want to give you an option when it comes to the future," Spinner tells him, as Emma takes Jake's hand in hers. The door is then pushed open and two orderlies push in a role away cot, which will be for Jake. Once its set up they both leave again.

"Well, that's the cot Doctor Evan's sent up for you Jake. And I hope you don't mind but I gave Owen permission to stay tonight when he asked me, so we're going to head home. I have work again tomorrow morning, so I'll need some rest, but please don't hesitate to call if Clare or either of you need us or something changes," Emma remarks with a smile. She then gets up, Jake stands also, and she gives him a hug and kisses his cheek. "Remember you're both family to us now," she reminds him before she lets go and approaches Clare and I. I see Jake and Spinner shake hands. Emma walks right up to me, and we hug as best we can, and we kiss each other on the cheek, and then she pushes some of Clare's hair out of her face that's fallen down and kisses her cheek as well. "You'll always be my little sister," she whispers in Clare's ear, but it was still loud enough for me to hear.

Emma then takes a few steps back, and Spinner approaches. We shake hands, and he tells me, "you're family now too. No matter what happens between you and Clare, but I can see how much you care about her, and I'm guessing love her. If you need anything let us know. Same goes for Bianca and Drew," he tells me, and I'm shocked. Many of us have only known each other less than a day, but we've become that close that quickly. He then let's go and leans down kissing Clare's cheek, before he steps back, and puts his arm around Emma.

"Thank you both," I call once I'm able to speak past the shock, and they smile at us all before they leave for the night. Jake sits back down in his chair, and we're both silent for what feels like an hour, but is probably only a few minutes.

"Do you know what you might do?" I question him after a while, mostly just to break the silence we've been in.

"She's my little sister Owen, I love her, and technically I'm the only family she has left and after what her parents and even my dad did abandoning her, I feel it's my responsibility to take on custody and be the adult in the situation now," he says in a sort of sad tone.

"But you have options remember. You both have friends, and now you both have a bunch of older siblings that you can turn to, and none of them are going to be like either of your parents and abandon you now. You saw how they all felt when they heard the letter, and she was rushed into surgery. Plus I doubt since you've talked to Mr. Torres, that he or Audra will abandon you either."

"Ya, Omar and Audra were furious when Spinner and I showed them the letter from my dad, and both said we may not be able to live with them, but we could always count on them for anything else," he tells me, and I know they are strict parents but they'd never abandon children when they need someone. "But she's my sister so I feel I need to provide for her now, especially while she's sick, I can't abandon her, … but I would like to go to school one day," he comments the last part after a moment's pause, as sort of an afterthought, and it gets me thinking.

"When does Clare turn 18?" I question because although we've become friends in the last number of months, this was something I never asked.

"February 25th, why?"

"Well, what if you took permanent and full custody of Clare, but you were to give Spinner and Emma guardianship so you could go away to school," I suggest to him. "You'd still have custody, and be with her as she recovers over the summer, but then Spinner and Emma would have guardianship while you're at school. You getting an education could do more good for yourself and Clare for the future, then if you didn't. It would give you a chance to live for yourself and do what you want in school to get a better job so you can provide for you both later. Plus I'm sure Spinner and Emma would have no problem keeping guardianship past Clare's 18th birthday while you're still in school," I tell him, and I hope he considers all of this for both he and Clare.

"Ya, I know getting an education is important, but I don't know how to do that. I mean, between us we probably have the money for one of us to go to school, but not both. And I know it's always been her dream to go to University and become a journalist, even after everything that happened with Asher, she never let it crush her dream for it. But we probably won't for either of us once Clare finishes chemo and actually starts recovering. That is if she does," he says and I can hear the sadness in his voice.

"Jake, don't talk like that. You've seen her, she's strong and resilient. How do you think she's gotten through so much in her life already, but she needs you now. Don't give up on her," I tell him with determination, and hold Clare just a little tighter. I pause and think for a moment. "Well, Clare's still a student, and if you go to school you will be too, so maybe you'd have some benefits that could help cover some of the expenses here," I mention pausing again as I continue thinking up ideas to try and help them both. "And I know your dad put the house and bills in your name, and you'd certainly have to talk to Clare, but maybe if you were to sell it, then you'd have the money to put you both through school, so you could afford providing for you both," I suggest, as it seems the only thing big enough that could get them the money they would need.

"I don't know Owen, it seems like a good idea, but then where would we go? Omar and Audra said they'd help us with anything but we couldn't live there, and I don't have family here, and really now neither does Clare."

"Well if Spinner and Emma had guardianship of Clare then she'd be living with them and if you're in school I'm sure you'd be living on campus. You could take a part-time job when not in classes, and try to put aside money for the future," I respond, but it comes out sort of like a question, because I'm not Jake, so I'm just trying to give ideas and have no idea what he might think of them.

"I'll think on it Owen, and obviously talk to Clare about it all once she's awake and alert, but thanks, you've been a big help. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to explain to my little sister, that in terms of family, we really just have each other now. But first, since I'm already pretty sure you like her, why don't you tell me what you think of Clare?" he asks, and I notice he's perked up a bit now. At least he's got a smirk now instead of sad eyes, but I'm not quite sure what to tell him.

"Uh," I pause unsure of what to say.

"Come on, it's not like I can do much anyway. You're bigger than me so I can't beat you up, and at the moment my sister is asleep in your lap, so I definitely wouldn't do anything to you now, no matter what you say, but just remember that Lucas, Jay, Spinner and Peter are just as much big brothers to Clare as me, so if I don't like what you say or do, I can always talk to them," he tells me, but I know he's just being a protective older brother, especially with what Clare's going through right now.

"Well, Clare's a great friend, and I've found myself liking her more and more as we've gotten closer as friends. But today when she fainted in my arms, I was scared of what was happening, and what could be happening to her. Then she told me about Eli and Asher and I was shocked, couldn't believe what she had been through, and wished I would have known and been able to protect her. That she hadn't had to go through that pain," I tell him, and notice he's smiling at me. "I was waiting until she finished telling me what all was going on, because I was going to tell her I liked her and ask her if she'd like to go out with me, and that's when she began to seizure and I rushed her here with Bianca and Drew. When she was away for the tests the first time, I realized I didn't know what I'd do without her in my life, even if it was just as a friend. Although after sitting here most of the day with her in my lap, and hearing what she's been through in the past, and with all of you, and how sick she is, and then what her parents did to her, I know I love her man, I'm in love with her, and I don't want to lose her. We may have only been friends for a few months, but she's changed my outlook and my life. I can't lose her now," I tell him, and I can feel tears coming, but I swallow them back in. "But I don't even know how she feels about me," I comment, feeling slightly dejected, but I know I really shouldn't because it's taken me this long and a lot of stories today to make me realize my true feelings, and that whole time Clare's been either in a medically induced coma lying in my lap, or having surgery on her head, so it's not like she's had the chance to tell me how she feels at all, and it's not until Jake clears his throat I realize I've been ranting in my own head while looking down at Clare lying there peacefully.

"You just told me not to give up hope, so if you mean what you say then you better not give up hope on my sister either. Haven't you realized after everything you've learned today how strong she really is?" he asks and I nod. "Just keep being the strength she needs right now, cause I'm sure when she wakes up and learns what our parents did, she'll be shattered and will need a shoulder to cry on, and I'm betting it'll be yours knowing my sister," he comments, and I smile when he says this.

"You really think?" I question, and then picture holding Clare while she's not asleep, not that I don't like our positions right now.

"Ya, I don't think you have much to worry about Owen," he tells me, and I know my smile just about doubles in size.

"Thanks, I just really wish I knew how she felt," I tell her step-brother, "but of course, I know that won't be the first thing we'll need to talk to her about when she does wake up," I remember out loud, and wonder how in the world Jake, or any of us really will be able to tell her what's happened.

"It'll come Owen, but you can't do anything about it until she's awake anyway, and there will be a lot to talk about very soon, so don't worry about it until you have to, but I know you're anxious to know," he reminds me and I nod my head as I lift Clare up a little so I can sit a little more comfortably. "So I'm guessing as there was only one bed set up, that you're sleeping there for the night?" he asks pointing to my current position on the hospital bed.

"I'd like to if it's not a problem," I remark.

"I have no problem with it, and I don't think Clare would either if she was awake to tell us. Although I did just realize that neither of us have stuff for sleeping in," he comments, and I realize he's in a t-shirt and jeans and I'm still sitting in a t-shirt and board shorts from the BBQ earlier. Although I've been kept quite warm from Clare's body heat and the blanket that's been put over her to keep her warm today.

"Well the stuff I'm in is fairly comfortable at the moment, but I haven't called my mom since I've been here to tell her what's been going on, or that I'm staying here tonight. I know they trust me, but I'm sure since I ran out of the BBQ with Clare having a seizure in my arms this morning their probably kind of worried. All they knew was I was bring her to the hospital with Bianca and Drew," I tell him.

"My jeans aren't the most comfortable, but I can live. I should probably call Katie to let her know what's going on, but I can also call your parents just so they know you're ok, and where you'll be tonight," he suggests and I thank him as I pull my phone from my pocket. "They probably won't want me using the phone in here, so I'll just go out to the hall. What's your mom's name?" he questions.

"My parents are Stacey and James, and my mom's number is in my phone under emergency numbers," I tell him and then he walk out to the hallway.

While Jake is gone, I start questioning again. But I'm thinking about the future this time. I can picture myself going to TU for sports therapy, and getting a diploma, and how proud my parents and Tris are of me. But I also notice that Clare is in the crowd cheering for me, and then I see myself kissing her. Then we're a couple years older, and I can see myself in a black tux under an arch of branches and flowers with Tris by my side, and then I see Clare walking up on Jake's arm in a white wedding gown, and I'm speechless. I mean, literally speechless, both in the dream and as I'm lying in the hospital bed with her. Could this possibly be my future? I wonder, and realize that my mouth didn't only drop and then grow into a huge smile in my dream, but it did here in the hospital room too. As I come back to reality, I see Jake has come back in.

"What are you smiling about?" he questions, but it's in no way harsh, just curious.

"Just thinking, about the future."

"It must have been good for the smile on your face," he remarks with a laugh, before sitting down in the chair again.

"It was, believe me, I just hope I can make it reality someday," I respond, with the huge smile still plastered on my face, as I can still picture Clare in the dress. "So what did my parents say?" I question when I'm thinking clearly again.

"They were glad to know you were okay, and proud that you were taking care of a friend so well. I didn't really get into the details, but said you had permission to stay here overnight with her, and suggested they come by tomorrow morning and bring you some clean clothes," Jake tells me, and I'm thankful he was thinking of that.

"Thanks for doing that dude, I don't really want to have to get up if I don't have to," I comment.

"Ya, I've noticed," he tells me and I smile.

"You know, I wonder why it took me until my last semester of high school to actually take a real notice of Clare, and for us to become friends. Or what she's been dealing with, and that she was even sick until today," I remark out loud for myself as I've been wondering these things off and on all day in my head, but finally felt like I needed to voice them out loud even if no one, including Jake answered me.

"Well," Jake answers me anyway, "I'm thinking you were too busy hanging out in the ravine, and drinking and hitting on girls who might actually put out, then spending time getting to know a girl a year younger who loves writing, and is into physics and French and has beliefs that don't include sleeping around. Then it took you time to clean up your act, and focus on school before you could actually take the time to notice a girl like Clare," he reminds me and I begin to feel guilty for the stupid stuff I did that I didn't take the time to notice a sweet girl, who is smart and beautiful, and has much more going on then what's between her legs.

"When it comes to stuff in her life," he continues, "she's the type that tries to deal with everything by herself or with as little help as possible, so it makes sense to me why you would have heard about KC and Eli until after the fact as they became school rumours and gossip, and why she told very few people about what happened with Asher. Plus for most of that stuff you two barely spoke, not to mention friends yet," and I realize he's right.

"And remember, she didn't even tell her mom she was sick. Plus we didn't know for sure for a while, and then there was school and exams, and she's such a school oriented person, that her sickness probably just seemed like the symptoms of stress if you didn't know she was sick, but once school finished and her cancer spread it became more clear she was sick, and you happened to be with her when the symptoms hit her head on," he tells me, and I realize that I can't really feel guilty for not knowing, but I wish we had been close enough friends that she could have talked to me, but I guess that's what I got this morning. She trusted me enough to tell me today anyway.

"Thanks man, I guess it all makes sense, I just wish I hadn't been so dense and pig-headed and such a bully and maybe I would have noticed Clare a lot sooner than this," I say still scolding myself slightly.

"True, but remember, if you hadn't been that guy then, then you wouldn't be this guy, and probably wouldn't be lying in that hospital bed holding Clare now. You may not know how she's feel about you at the moment, but if you hadn't been that guy, things could have been very different. She may have dated you instead of KC, Eli or me, and then there may have been a very different outcome either positively or negatively on our relationship, going from dating to step-siblings, and no offense dude but I actually think we're doing better as step-siblings then we did dating. But don't tell her that," he tells me and I laugh and promise not to.

"And who knows, you could have dated, and broken up, and be miserable now. She could still have gotten sick, and wouldn't have been with you when she fainted or had the seizure and may have even died. Instead of falling for her now that you've cleaned up, are going to get an education, and can be the person she needs in her life as it crumbles, even if you don't know how she feels for a few more hours," he remarks, and I realize how right he is, and as we'll never know what could have been, I'm glad where my life is now.

"Thanks, I really needed that reality check on the good things I have going for me," I tell him, and then shift slightly. "I think I'm gonna get her and I comfortable and try to get some sleep now."

"Sounds good, I will too," he says then stands walking toward the door hitting the light switch leaving the only light left in the room from the machines hooked up to Clare, and one beam of light from the full moon through the window. I hear Jake sit on the cot and remove his shoes, and I'm guessing his jeans from the noise I hear, but I don't care, I know jeans are uncomfortable to sleep in, plus I can't see him. I shift Clare up a bit so I can move myself into a lying position on the hospital bed and can lay Clare's head on my chest and put my arms around her again.

I've just gotten comfortable and am laying Clare's head down when I realize I don't feel her breathing. I take her pulse quickly and feel only the faintest beat. "Jake," I call knowing he's not yet asleep, "she's stopped breathing and I can't reach the call button from here, hurry!" I inform him, and try to get her and myself into upright positions again, which is difficult from this angle.

I hear Jake scramble to get up and reach the call button at super speed, pressing it and then moving toward the door to turn on the lights again, while I get myself and Clare sitting up. I see Jake go put his jeans back on, and then in comes the night shift doctor. "I'm Doctor Blake, what's happened here?" he questions calmly.

"I can't feel her breathing, and she has almost no pulse, it's extremely faint," I tell him rapidly, as I don't want to lose her because we were too slow.

He feels for her pulse, and then quickly grabs an oxygen mask from a shelf by the wall and adds the tubing to an oxygen machine, moving it closer to the bed. "Please lift her head for me," he requests, and I do as he put the mask on her face, the straps over her head and turns on the machine. "Due to the medicines she's still being slowly taken off of to come out of the coma, her body can't always regulate her breathing dependant on the position she is in. Were you sitting up like this when you noticed the problem," he asks, and I feel a pang of guilt.

"No we had decided to try getting some sleep, so I had just gotten us both comfortable lying down, no one told me I couldn't," I tell him, and I hope that wasn't wrong.

"I see, well she needs to be kept elevated, so you can lay down against the bed, but the head of it must be kept elevated so she is," he tells me, and I nod, as I'm not sure what to say. He checks her pulse again then tells us, "she has a stronger pulse again, and I can see her breathing by her chest movements so I will leave you alone to sleep. She should keep the oxygen on to help her system though."

"Yes, of course," Jake comments and the doctor leaves.

"I'm so sorry Jake, I didn't know," I tell him.

"It's not your fault Owen, neither of us knew, no one said anything. You should try to get some sleep."

"Not sure I could sleep now, but I'll try. Goodnight Jake."

"Night," he says. He kisses Clare's cheek before turning out the light and getting back on the cot. I move Clare and I to a laying position again, but make sure the oxygen mask is still on, and she's in a position where I know she's elevated and breathing. I put my arms around her lightly with her head back on my chest, and I'm able to fall asleep, but it's a restless sleep, although I attempt not to move too much. I have many questions and think about my past and my future, but I see Clare in all these future pictures. And I hope this can be our future. But I also think about what Jake said earlier, about Clare being a girl whose beliefs are strong, and I wonder how after everything she's been through, how her faith can still be so strong, even though she doesn't know about everything yet. I try to sleep as long as possible, but wake up about 6am and can't fall back to sleep this time.

I know Jake is still asleep, but I feel like I need to question out loud this time, to work it out for myself, rather than letting it all play in my head again. I move to sit up slightly and begin whispering my thoughts and questions into the silent room.

"I don't understand it. I don't even know if I believe in a god, or in God, but I know Clare's faith has remained through everything she's been through. Even when she questioned it due to her parent's divorce and her father's affair she never lost it, but what I don't understand is how? How could a God that is supposed to be loving and full of forgiveness and grace put her through so much in her young life, when all she's done is have faith in him? How could this god do so much to her in her young life? I mean the harassment, manipulation, embarrassment, judgement, cheating, verbal abuse, broken hearts, being neglected, not to mention the cancer and surgery, plus everything she's been put through by her sister's issues, and her parents. She doesn't deserve to be put through so much heartache and pain, and she doesn't even know about what's happened this weekend," I sigh and tighten my arms around her. "She deserves happiness and to live a full life, she's been put through too much in these first 17 years, to go through anything else bad in her life. I want that for her, I want her to be happy, and even if I don't or maybe never get it, I know her faith is a part of her and she can't lose that now. She's lost too much already. And I know now that I want to be there and do whatever I can to keep seeing her smile. I love you Clare Edwards," I say louder than a whisper, and although I've been feeling and thinking about it, this is the first time those words have come out of my mouth.

"I love you too Owen Milligan," I all of a sudden hear in the empty room surprising me, and I jump in the bed and still hold her tight. My eyes shoot downward and I see gorgeous blue eyes and a stunning smile staring back at me, without the oxygen mask. "And when it comes to God, he doesn't say we won't have troubles, but he does say that he'll be with us through them all. And that each of his children have gifts and purpose. Do you really think you'd be here with me now and even questioning if there is a God, and his love, if I hadn't been through all the stuff I had and came out stronger for it? Plus I'm the common factor between all of you who have been here with me, and now you're all like family. If I wasn't sick do you think you'd have ever met Emma, Spinner, Jay or spent the night in the hospital with Jake?" she asks, and I realize she is right. If it wasn't for Clare, I wouldn't even think there was a god, and now I'm thinking he's real and how he could do what he has to Clare. Maybe she's right and there really is something to this faith thing. I also look up when she mentions Jake, and see him sitting up in the cot with a smile on his face.

"I told you I didn't think you had anything to worry about dude," Jake tells me, and now Clare and I smile too. The room is brighter due to the sun through the window, and I notice him putting on his jeans, but turn away quickly.

"So were you able to hear everybody that was in here, and everything that was said?" I question now that I'm thinking a little more.

"I heard bits and pieces yesterday, and I know the voices so I could tell most of who was here, and then I heard everything you said once you woke up this morning," she tells me.

"I'm going to go get the doctor, and call everybody so they can come by when visiting hours start. I'm so happy you're awake Clare, and we have a lot to talk about and discuss once you're up and feeling better and everyone is here," he tells her before coming over and kissing her cheek, before he leaves the room.

"So what now?" Clare questions.

"What do you mean?" I ask as I'm not sure what she's referring to.

"Well you said you love me, knew I couldn't lose my faith, and wanted to do whatever you could to always see me smile, so what now?" she asks again with a slight smile.

"I think I get it now," I comment, and then I lean down and capture her lips with mine and put all my love and feelings for her into our first kiss, and I can feel her love and passion for me also. We don't break apart until I hear the door open and see Jake and Doctor Evans standing there, both with smiles. I pull away, and see a gleaming smile on Clare's face and this makes my heart full, and I know right now that no matter what happens with her custody, she's is my future.

Well that's it for this story. I hope you all liked it, and check back each Saturday cause that's when I'll post new stories or chapters. It wont be every week, but I'll do it whenever I get one done.

I'm curious ... for those of you who read Scared Trail did anyone guess who the cop was that Fitz was talking to at the end? I guess he wasn't really a cop in the story, but I believe was a security guard and I'd like to think became a cop. Any guesses?