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I don't own any rights to "The Slayers" or any of the characters, etc. I love the show. So don't sue me. The authoress character is mine…well me…since I own myself…that was corny. Please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes that may occur—I tried my best. I'm a science major (although it shouldn't be an excuse for poor grammar skills! I blame it on the school system!)! So, enjoy the madness that I concocted.----------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, in the land of Fair Bragoon Celfrid and Guuby-eyed Sababingo…
"That's Fare Dragoon Sigfreed and Booby-eyed Shabydingo!" Gourry proudly says.
Then a red haired sorceress screams out "Fireball" and fries the poor blond swordsman. "For crying out loud, its Flare Dragon Cepheid and Ruby-eyed Shabranigdu! Get it right!" as Lina yells at the authoress.
"Well," says the pissed off authoress, "you don't have to yell, Lina! Plus, you shouldn't disrespect me, I'm the authoress. I have the power to write whatever I want!"
"Oh, Lina's just pissed that she's not the leading character in this story." said the burned and crispy blond.
"No, I'm not!" hollered Lina. "I'm not hollering!" bellowed the loud mouth dragon spooker. "Hey," cried the 'enemy of all who lives, "could you stop that!"
The authoress smiled evilly and simply answered, "No!"
Then Gourry whispered to Lina, "At least she didn't call you a 'washboard of terror'."
"Mega Brand!" as the boobless one singes her lover to a crisp.
Both Gourry and Lina yell in unison with blushes apparently on their faces, "We are not in a relationship!"
"Also," Gourry angrily replies, "Lina is not boobless..."
With reddening still upon her cheeks, Lina stares at the swordsman with her mouth wide open. She—as well as the authoress and the audience—are shocked with the jellyfish's unexpected statement.
Then the red haired girl's eyes soften, and she slowly approaches her guardian with awe. 'The jellyfish actually stood up for me against that bitch of an authoress. Why? Does he really care? I mean, he always makes fun of my chest size. Does he finally see me as the bodacious babe of his dreams? Finally! He's succumbing to my charms!'
"Huh?" Gourry says confusingly "Lina, what's going on!"
Lina uncharacteristically approaches her prey with animalistic desires in her eyes. "Come here you big jellyfish you and give me some sugar!"
"I don't have any sugar on me, but will 'Sweet and Low'® do!" the ex-swordsman of Light asks questioningly.
"I'll 'Sweet and Low'® you! Maybe later…shut up and kiss me!" as Lady Inverse grabs Gourry close into a passionate (and very x-rated) kiss.
"Hey," the authoress yelled, "could you please keep the sexual innuendo to a minimum! I'm trying to keep this at a pg-13 level. Umm, you guys. Hello! Could you guys stop now? I'm the authoress, I command you to stop…please!"
"I don't think they're listening." said Amelia
"At least they are using protection." Zelgadis says sardonically. "You're the authoress why won't you put a stop to this."
"Hey, I tried." The authoress said. 'Where did I lose control of this story?'
"Amelia," the chimera man yelled while covering the Sairuun princess's eyes. "you are too young to be watching this sort of stuff."
The raven haired girl angrily takes the blue guy's hands away from her eyes. "Look here, Mr. Zelgadis, I'm nearly seventeen years old (toward the end of Try) and I know more about sex than you do, right Xellos!"
Everyone—including Lina and Gourry, who suddenly stop in their romantic play—stares at the young princess. Amelia and the general priest look lovingly (well not lovingly… more like raw carnage yearning…the stuff that Lina and Gourry felt earlier) into each other's eyes. Then Xellos pulls the black haired girl closer and closer…
"How dare you touch 'my' Amelia!" The wired hair man looks very angry. "I'll kill you!!!"
As Zel charges at Zellas's priest with his 'astral vined' sword in his hands while chanting a 'Rah Tilt' spell, Xellos and Amelia quickly teleport into the authoress's den.
"Boy was that close!" Amelia says.
"Yeah," the monster holy guy said, "I didn't know 'Rocky' had it so bad for you, Ame-chan. By they way Lady Authoress, 'monster holy guy'…isn't that a bit pushing it."
"Look, I'm trying to follow that rule where you don't constantly reuse the character's name."
"Right! Well I hope we didn't upset Mr. Zelgadis too much!"
"Hey, at least we stopped the Lina and Gourry make out session. Although, it was a bit cruel to not let him in the act."
"Oh, let Chimera boy suffer a bit! He makes a good meal when he is like this."
"Mr. Xellos," Ame-chan yells, "That's not nice. Although what we did to Mr. Zelgadis was unjust, there was a greater injustice with the appalling display Ms. Lina and Mr. Gourry were doing."
"Well, you two looked very convincing!" declared the writer of this story.
"Hey!" the two 'Slayers' shouted out together.
"I know, I know. You, princess have the hots for Zelly boy and Mr. 'That is a Secret' likes to share his secrets with a certain golden dragon. Whatever!"
The two people who stood in front of the authoress were too shocked to say a word. (Finally!) "With those two finally quiet, perhaps I can get to the main story."
"Umm, Miss. Authoress…" said Amelia.
"Oh, I spoke too soon! Sigh!" the irritated writer said out loud. "Yes, Amelia, what do you want?"
"Err, what is this story going to be about?" asked the princess.
"Yeah, what is this story going to be about?" said Xellos.
"Ha, ha, well I…err…haven't thought it through just yet?" as the authoress thoughtfully answering them back.
Xellos and Amelia both face fault.
Meanwhile…Lina and Gourry are both trying to cheer up Zelgadis who is on the ground weeping uncharacteristically like baby .
"I…I…I though she loved me!" Zelgadis cries out loud. "Waaaaaah!"
"Hey, Zel don't worry. I bet it's one of those impulse things that every girl goes through. It won't last. You know where the good girl falls for the bad boy."
"Lina, isn't Zelgadis sort of a 'bad boy' type character." Womp! "Hey Lina, why did you do that for?"
"We are trying to cheer up Zel, Jellyfish brains! You don't have to tell him that he's too much of a wuss to be coined a 'bad boy.' Also, that Xellos is more mysterious than him and…"
"Gourry's right!" as the chimera interrupts Lina. He wipes away his tears and stands up. "I have to be more mysterious, more 'bad ass.'" Then the not so blue…err…blue man strikes an 'Amelia pose'® while standing on top of a high sturdy tree branch. "By doing so, I will win back my Amelia's affections. Yes, she will be mine once more! Bwahahahaha!"
As Zel says all this, lightning and thunder appear in the background.
Gourry and Lina both sweat drop.
"I think he's losing it!" said Gourry.
"You think!" snickered Lina. "No, he's been hanging around Amelia too much…and he's losing it!" Lina said while watching the chimera's mad laughter.
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Next time (maybe)…
Will Zelgadis win back Amelia's affections?
Will Lina and Gourry get a room?
Who is that blond female with a tail beating on Xellos?
Prince Phil, the sexiest man on earth?
Will the authoress finally figure out a plot to this silly story?
How is this all connected to saving the world?
Stay tuned….
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This is my very first fanfic. Yeah! So whatcha think? What can I say? Insomnia with a mixture of procrastination (from my chem. homework) gets my creative juices flowing. Teehee! I'll probably write more in the near future…probably tomorrow. Review away!