Chapter Four

Marnie nervously turns her attention to me. "Sorry," she says (she is always apologizing, it seems). "I told her you were coming back soon."

I nod stiffly.

"Um!" says Marnie. "Well, I promised Charlie I would help him clean out his fridge today, so I guess I should," she points to the door, "yeah." What a fun activity, I can't help thinking. Most likely it will involve some kind of argument about how Charlie neglected to throw away rancid food. Unless, of course, she's making the whole thing up as an excuse to leave me and Jessa alone. Marnie isn't always the easiest roommate to have (to put it mildly), but, like Elijah, she has been pretty great about this whole mess.

After Marnie makes her exit, Jessa and I stare at each other for what seems like a whole minute. My heart hammers in my chest and my stomach writhes. I briefly wonder if she read any of my text messages. Some of the later ones were pretty mean.

"So," Jessa says lightly, "I can see why no one likes these German chocolate biscuits from Michael Michaels – yuck! I still can't believe that's the guy's name!"

I narrow my eyes. "Yeah," I say coldly, "I somehow don't think you came here to make fun of Marnie's dad. What are you really doing here? You completely ignore me for almost a week and then think we can talk about trivial things like chocolate biscuits? It just doesn't work that way, Jessa."

Jessa smiles weakly and sits back down on the bed. "Look," she says tightly. "I'm sorry, okay? But I just can't believe you told on me like that. God, 'told on me,' that sounds so juvenile," she adds. She seems out of it – not like she's on drugs, or anything, but rather like she isn't fully awake. She shakes her head quickly. "I told you that in private," she says, her voice tight and sounding close to tears. "And you said you knew I was joking. You pretty much promised to let it go. You even said you thought I would be fine. I don't know, Hannah. I…I trusted you. And you went behind my back. That was a really shitty thing to do."

I definitely don't remember promising anything of the sort. "I was worried about you," I snap. "You were a complete mess that night. And you want to talk about 'shitty things to do? I know you were pissed, but icing me out all week? Unfriending me on Facebook? That's not okay. You can't just do that to people. It's horrible. I mean, you say you hate it when your parents treat you like you don't exist, but that's exactly what you did to me. Don't you see how hypocritical that is?" I sigh heavily, gathering my thoughts. "I don't think I can be friends with you anymore if you keep doing this."

Jessa flinches, but recovers quickly. "Yes, I kind of got that from your messages," she says coolly. This surprises me. So she did listen to them. "So, I guess I'm sorry for trying to help you. Don't worry. I will never do it again! Have a nice life, Jessa." She repeats the message so accurately that I'm almost 100% positive she listened to it more than once.

"I'm sorry," I say, tears suddenly leaping to my eyes. "But you ignoring me like that? It hurt. It hurt a lot."

Jessa's expression softens slightly. "Yeah, well…What you did hurt, too."

"I know you probably don't remember much of that night," I say, "but you were definitely breaking down. I just want you to be okay, that's all."

Jessa stares at me for several seconds. "I really am okay," she says. "I mean, I probably don't seem very okay, but…" she pauses. "You know, maybe I'm not," she says, looking down at the carpet. "I've been kind of a mess since that party. I haven't slept. Barely eaten, either. But I'm…I'm going to be okay eventually. I'm working on it," she says.

I sit down next to her. "Yeah, I've kind of been a mess too," I say. "I'm pretty sure Marnie was ready to call my parents and tell them I was back to freshman year, second semester Hannah and then I'd have to move back home."

She laughs weakly. "Shit, I missed you. I'm sorry I was such a bitch."

I clear my throat. "Yeah, me too." I grab her hand.

"I just…feel like everything's out of control sometimes. Like I'm totally losing my mind," Jessa says. "And it's like… everything I do just doesn't really matter, because no matter what I do, I'm just going to end up like my mum."

"I know," I say. "I definitely feel like that too. All the time, actually. But, um…" I continue. "I know you don't feel like you matter to your parents, but you still do matter. And I would be really…sad if anything happened to you."

She smirks. "Wow, Hannah, that was really cheeseball." I feel myself blush. Screw her right now. I'm trying to be nice here. "But, thanks," she says.