Did I ever tell you that I thought of this story while listening to "My Immortal" by Evanescence

Ging observed the aura surrounding the boy at a controlled level. Gon was a fast learner and he managed to open his micropyles again without shocking his body so much a few hours after he woke up. Now, two days into their lessons, he was training him to sustain Ren for longer periods of time since he could only still manage it for three hours.

Due to favorable strong winds, they were set to reach home the next day so Ging just taught him the basics on how to use his Nen without exhausting himself. Having done the water test, he also found out his son had the same ability as him, an Enhancer. He thought it would have been more interesting if he took after his mother, a Specialist.

"Nigg-san?"

Ging perked up from his seat on the window sill. Gon still had his eyes closed, but he had that easy smile on his lips that warned Ging that Gon was about to start firing questions again. He sighed to himself. Well, it's not daily that his son could be an annoyance to him, might as well humor him. "What?"

Gon opened one eye, "What did you want?"

"Ah?" Ging gnarled before getting a blank from Gon. He looked to the side, scratching the back of his head, "What about what I want?"

Gon thought for a second, "I'm just curious. When we were talking on the deck last time. I wanted to know what you wanted," he closed his eye again, s small smile lingering on his lips.

Ging observed his countenance for a moment. The boy seemed a little tenser than he was a second ago. Curious and excited but trying to stay calm. Ging concluded that the boy knew more and less than he should have at this point. He doesn't know how to deal with him yet. He'd honestly never thought about it all these years. Ging placed his feet firmly on the floor and crossed his arms in front of him.

"Hmmm…I guess it's that something I can't see in front of me," he answered.

Gon's eyes flew open and he stared wide-eyed at the older man sitting with his arms crossed over at the window. "Something that you can't see?"

Ging was fourteen when he left Mito and his grandmother alone to fend for themselves. He practically hopped onto the next vessel to leave Whale Island, which turned out to be a part of the Hunter Exam. Being told about the benefits of being a licensed Hunter, he signed up for the exam and ended up being the only person to pass that year. It was just a convenient tool to get at what he wanted. He chased everything he wanted to all the corners of the earth. Always about what he wanted that he eventually forgot about what's important.

Until one day, he realized he had nothing important.

Ging nodded with a faraway look, "Yes. I was constantly after what I want even if in the end, I'd just realize it isn't something I particularly care about."

"Going after what you want regardless of its value to yourself...was it fun?"

Ging considered him for a moment and just shrugged, "It was."

Gon smiled at him as if he understood, "That's nice," he paused, "Everyone back home offered to teach me their trade but I still can't decide because I don't know what I want," The prospects didn't excite him, he wanted to add, but that would be rude, "All I looked forward to was sailing away on this boat," his voice sounded a little off, Ging thought. "I don't even know why,"

It's just a matter of time before Gon sets out on his own. And while there's much to gain by learning things the hard way, Ging had the strangest notion to give the kid a hint on what he should truly be looking for. But then again, is someone like him in any position to do so? He was a dumbass who stumbled blindly until he figured out what he was really meant to be doing. He's glad Mito came through on this one. Gon grew up having what's important. Now he wants to chase after what he wants.

Ging stood up and walked to the table, picking up an apple, "Looking forward to something is wanting something, boy," Ging said, biting into the fruit, "So what if it has to take you far away from the place you're familiar with?" Gon stared blankly at him, "Humans are selfish creatures. It's natural to have something you want. It's also natural to fear what lies outside your territory. Fear is involuntary, but cowardice is a choice. You know three out of five deep-sea fishing boats get attacked by mysterious creatures and never come back…" he didn't need to check to know that Gon indeed was aware of that fact, "-and yet, here you are," he looked over at Gon, "You've already made a choice, boy, and you chose to do what you want, regardless of the people you leave behind,"

The boy looked at him reverently, curiosity gleaming in his eyes, "How far did you have to go to get what you want, Nigg-san?"

Ging averted his eyes, choosing to look at the ceiling, "Really far. Far enough,"

He didn't know what Gon saw but his next question was, "Are you happy now?"

Well, he never thought of life in measures of happiness, but looking back on it, "I regret nothing," it didn't feel like the answer that was required of him.

Afterwards, they talked so far into the night, Ging was still talking when he noticed that Gon had already nodded off so he sat back on his perch on the windowsill, staring at the dark ocean. He had let on more about himself than he thought he'd ever share with anybody, let alone with his estranged only son. He didn't know why he wasn't interested before, but Gon did turn out to be a lot like him when they were the same age.

"I was messed up for a long time. What I wanted came before what was important," he said to no one in particular. "You know, kid, I've learned that you don't need to see them in front of you to know that they are important. It may be something that you can't touch, or you can't hold. It could be intangible and fragile. But when it's precious, it always stays inside you."

"It's nice if you could decide on your own path. And it's also fine if you can't find it, that's the privilege of the young. There's so many that you can take, and there's no right one. It's your choice if you want to get side-tracked or stay on the path. But once your path intersects with that one special person, that's when you really go places. Far more than the things you want, the things that are precious to you are sure to have stumbled there along the way."

He thought for a moment before he looked around the room for his meager belongings. He pulled out a small voice recorder from his rucksack. He used to carry it around on archeological sites to record his findings. He hadn't used it for ages but he had kept it in pristine condition. He doesn't know what he's doing. He looked at his sleeping son again and made up his mind.

One day, someday soon, he's going to leave this place and never come back. There were still many things he had to say, the things that could only be understood if they were said. He looked at his son sleeping soundly and decided. He pressed the button.

"Hello, Gon."

"Killua, are you there?" Gon called, leaning down to the small entrance. He swore he heard something. And then he saw Killua's face.

Before he could react, Killua screamed. Gon was taken aback at the heart-wrenching sound. It's like the very sight of his face was terrifying to Killua. It was like telling him to go away.

At a loss at what to do, Gon scrambled to reach Killua only to be violently kicked back into the open. He easily landed on his feet, nursing a bruised arm. "Killua! It's me! It's Gon!" he called again, frantically. "Come out of there!"

The screaming subsided. He waited for a few minutes before he noted movement and Killua climbed out underneath the tree roots and stood there in silence with his head bowed. Gon couldn't see his face clearly in the dark. He tried to assess Killua for any injuries but he didn't seem to be hurt anywhere aside from scratches on his forearms. He heaved a sigh of relief and approached his friend again, reaching out with his uninjured arm. "Hey, are you alright? We've been waiting for you."

He can't say he didn't expect Killua to swat his hand away. He can say it hurt more than physically. Killua had never rejected him like this before, not even the first time they met.

Gon swallowed the lump in his throat and let his hand fall back to his side, his eyes looking at anywhere else but the person in front of him, "Let's get you dry at the butler's mansion first before you go home, okay?" his gaze inevitably fell back on his friend but he still can't gauge his expression.

"You can have dinner and I've fought very hard to save you the last serving of desert that Hishita-san made, that one you like. Amane-san really wanted it." He let out an anxious laugh. His eyes darted back to Killua. No change. Not even a spark of acknowledgement, "It's really good." He scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

Seeing as nothing gets a reaction out of Killua aside from trying to touch him, Gon made a grab for his hand and quickly found himself pushed away. He stumbled back a few steps before landing on his bottom on the moss-covered forest floor. Gon no longer felt like fooling around. He sat there silently for a while, looking up at his friend. He still can't see Killua's face but he could see the slight tremble in his shoulders and the hands fisted at his sides. "What's wrong, Killua?" he asked seriously. "Tell me what to do so I could help you, that's what friends are for. I'm going to stay here until you tell me."

The thick canopy above shielded them both plenty from the storm but the damp was getting uncomfortable, not to mention they were both quite muddy. He watched as Killua stopped trembling and lifted his head and looked him in the eye. Gon felt his heart drop. It was the most heartbreaking and hopeless expression he'd ever seen on his friend. It felt like he wasn't really looking at anything, he really wasn't seeing Gon, "What-"

"Last year," Killua started, a light tremor in his voice. "Last year, Ging told me about you. He told me…he told me to take care of you," his voice broke, "As if I had a fucking good track record of taking care of others, he told me that,"

"I was a mess." Killua continued, "And I tried to run away one night,"

Gon watched as tears rolled down his friend's face, and he knows Killua won't welcome any comfort from him, "I killed everyone who tried to stop me, and Ging he…he was there! He was there and his heart was in my hand and I can't fix it-I couldn't do anything-"

Killua sobbed, "Ging—he told me…" he paused, words getting stuck in his throat, "He said that he'll never…never forgive me," he said in a voice that is almost a whisper, like it ripped out his own heart to say those words.

Gon frowned, "Killua, I—" he tried to interject, reaching for Killua's shoulder, maybe to shake him back to his senses, he wasn't sure but Killua was suddenly pinning him down to the ground, "Killua, stop!" he tried to get out of his friend's grasp but Killua had always been stronger. Killua punched the ground next to Gon's head and Gon stopped struggling and looked at him.

Killua met his best friend's eyes. He looked scared. His heart clenched painfully as he tried to push out his next words, "I killed Ging. I killed him, even if he's the most important person to me. Even when I cared about him the most."

He'd do anything to save Gon, even if it means he had to lose him.

He loosened his hold and Gon still remained motionless beneath him, like all the fight had left him. It felt cold, "Can't you see, I kill everything I love." Killua sneered, "And whenever I'm with you, I feel like killing myself."

Gon gasped and opened his mouth to speak but Killua was faster and he had a hand covering his mouth. He could hear Gon mumbling beneath his palm and he felt his heart quicken at the indignant look he was giving him, as if Killua said something he shouldn't have, as if out of everything Killua had said, that was what he took offense on. Gon tried to pry his hand away but to no avail.

Since the start, everything about Gon had felt pleasantly warm to Killua. He was like the sun, and all he wanted to do was bask in his presence. Warm and bright against his cold and dark. Like the moon, Killua could only hope he could reflect even just a little of that light. The light that are at times too dazzling Killua must sometimes avert his gaze. He wondered how they even managed to get along as well as they did.

But he didn't deserve him. Illumi was right about one thing. Killua did know better than anybody that he doesn't deserve to be Gon's friend.

He looked his friend straight in the eye, "Gon, I don't want you…" to be like him, he thought to himself, please don't end up like him, "I don't want you…" he repeated, and it broke his heart to keep staring at the hurt in Gon's eyes.

He wanted to tell him he never wanted anyone more than he wanted him. That he wanted to stay in this bad relationship forever.

Killua felt more lucid now than he'd been in months, he'd never been clearer about what has to be done here so he could set things right, so he smiled cruelly down at his best friend in the world "Go away. Just go away. Far away where I can't see you."

That day in the town, he regretted taking that hand and not running as fast as he can. Maybe they could have gotten far. To a place where Ging, Illumi or anybody could never separate them.

He let go and walked away, not daring to look back at the boy he left behind him, "You don't belong here."

"I don't really like working in the rain," Hisoka sulked as he sat on a rock ledge next to a standing Illumi, getting pelted by a tropical storm. "Your baby brother's friend doesn't seem all that interesting too,"

Illumi followed his brother's figure with his eyes until it disappeared under the forest shadows. He crossed his arms and looked down at Hisoka, "If I remember correctly, you're one who insisted on being useful,"

Hisoka scrambled back to his feet, "No, I just wanted to make you owe me a favor," he pouted.

"Then what about the dinner at that five-star hotel you already made me pay for," Illumi raised an eyebrow. He'd had to kill two people to afford it.

Hisoka sniggered, "Oh, Illumi-kun, that was a date," and then bent backwards to dodge a giant pin thrown at him. "Alright, please don't hurt me, Illumi-kun,"

Illumi glared at him for a moment before going back to observing their target, "That's Ging Freecss son."

Hisoka stopped giggling and stood up straight, looking at their target with curiosity, "You're really only mentioning that now?!,"

There was an incident almost three years ago in Peijin when the two of them were soundly beaten by the man Illumi seemed to disdain more than anybody else in the world. It was the only time he witnessed Illumi get his own ass handed to him, something even Chrollo Lucilfer had not managed to do to the assassin. Perhaps because he was not a Zoldyck and he went a bit overboard with excitement, he barely managed to escape with his life and limbs intact. He forgot he still owes Machi a shit-ton of money for that incident. Sadly, he never got a rematch because the man was harder to pin down than the leader of the Phantom Troupe. Even more sadly, he's already dead.

"You can do whatever you want with him, just make sure Killu never sees him again," Illumi said before Hisoka ran down the ledge with a manic expression, heading towards his target.

Someday, he just might kill you for the sake of a friend.

Illumi laughed as he remembered that long-ago conversation. Just like he'd always known, Ging Freecss is wrong. Wrong about many things, wrong about Illumi and most importantly, wrong about Killua.

Gon stared up at the sky obstructed by the forest canopy, little droplets of rain falling gently down on his face. Killua had been gone for a few minutes.

He'd give his friend a few minutes advantage before he beats the crap out of him for daring to lie to his face.

It left him wondering though.

When was it?

When did it change?

It wasn't like this at the beginning. But everything seemed so different suddenly. Killua was different.

But he should also tell Killua he'd been lying to him all this time, too.

"Gon-kun! Gon-kun! Are you okay? Did you find Killua-sama?" a frantic Canary appeared in his peripheral vision, coming down to a stop and sitting down beside him.

He doesn't know what to do. He just realized he wasn't all that prepared for this.

"Canary-san, what should I do?" he felt slightly embarrassed that it came out like a whine.

The girl tilted her head in confusion, "Hm?"

Gon turned his gaze back to the holes in the canopy, "I think I'm the one who's been hurting Killua all this time."

Thanks for reading! \(^v^)/