The world continued to turn, the sun rose and set as it always had. He no longer turned with it, a moment in time captured and embodied in flesh,lost and adrift. How could the normality that continued outside his static bubble go on, how was this persistence of life possible. Without him. For so long he had lived with the conviction that somehow, some time, not now but soon they would end up together. Yet he'd slipped through his fingers right under his nose. It was his own fault, he'd made assumptions, thought the other shared this conviction if not yet the feelings.

He should have seen it coming. The text had shaken him but he hadn't worried too much, after all the little group had lived, worked and played together all through uni and their skill sets had ensured they had formed a tight knit working relationship, as well as a close practically familial bond. Chris reasoned to himself that it made sense they continued to live together, or group as closely as they could at least for the time being. Putting off coming to London until they could all make it was the sort of selfless thing PJ would do, and he was proud of him for that. Even though he ached to have him with him.

Chris had started working harder, being more regular with his YouTube uploads, he'd even given 'Becca' her own 'channel, partly because it was fun and partly to help finance what he had assumed would be his expanding household. He was even working on other projects his fans wouldn't see for a while, the extra revenue would make it easier for PJ to move when the time came. He moved out of Alex's flat, Alex needed it back anyway and although he'd paid rent it had given him breathing space to get to know London, and find somewhere else that both he and PJ liked.

He'd made sure that PJ was involved with choosing his new flat and location, it had felt as natural as breathing, sending him pictures, discussing light quality, architectural merit, and whether they had damp or not. PJ came along to viewings with him once they had narrowed down the options to 5 favourites. It felt so right, they felt like a couple. On PJ's first overnight visit Chris'sheart had swelled when as Peej drifted off to sleep head resting in the crook of his shoulder he mumbledthat there was plenty of room for two. This had helped the conviction grow, a strong seed breaking into the light sending out hopeful shoots and blossoming in his heart.

Having a housewarming for somewhere he was not going to be staying long was perhaps a little unusual in Chris's opinion, but he knew how 'the crew' enjoyed a get together and he was looking forward to seeing Peej and the rest of the gang. He'd become an honorary part of the crew over the years. Making videos with PJ usually meant staying over as they were at different ends of the country. So he couldn't avoid getting to know the rest of the housemates even if he'd wanted to. At least they were living closer together now, if not sadly in the same flat, or even the same town. Brighton and London may only be about an hour and a half apart but it felt like infinity when all he wanted was to feel the warmth of his embrace, and revel in the joy just spending time together brought.

Chris hesitated on the small step, he could hear music and the sounds of a party just revving up through the white double glazed door. His stomach seemed to have a couple of goldfish playing tag in it. It swirled with a heady mixture of nervousness and excitement at the thought of seeing Peej after a couple of weeks apart. He took a deep breath, a smile started to form unbidden, and knocked.

Sophie answered and he was immediately engulfed in a surprisingly firm bear hug from such a petite woman. As he was drawn into the warm happy atmosphere his offering of wine was spirited off to the kitchen to join the stream that was already in full flow. A few faces were unfamiliar but many brought a broader smile of recognition. Ben Cook was there and already a little tipsy, explaining quite loudly why Timshouldlet him practice a 'new' kiss he'd 'discovered', Jack Howard, Tom Ridgewell and a few other Youtubers were milling about. Dan and Phil hadn't been able to make it there was something on with the BBC... There always was these days he realised sadly.

He felt a flutter in his stomach and a warm glow spread through him as he spotted a familiar tousled brown mop making it's way towards him. As PJ drew nearer the twinkle in his eyes and familiar closed lip smile made him melt a little. Before Chris could say anything he was swamped by a full body hug. PJ clung to Chris a little longer than he normally would, and seemed to be breathing him in relishing the moment, turning his head so that their necks almost intertwined, his lips brushing against the tender skin there.

If Chris could have read PJ's mind he might have been less content in his embrace. PJ was near to panic, he needed to take in every second of this moment, memorise every sound, absorb and log for future memory the scent of Chris's warm skin, the contour of his body pressed against him. Chris's arms sprang up and wrapped around Peej, taken a bit by surprise by this public display. Not that he wasn't happy about it but PJ was normally the 'coy' one about joke or genuine public displays with him.

Chris's hand took on a life of it's own tapping and rubbing PJ's back, laughing "Hey, what's up buddy, I'm not going anywhere you can let go if you want". PJ fidgeted breaking the embrace with considerable difficulty, Chris had a primal effect on him, he thought one thing when they were together but slipped into old thought patterns and actions when they were apart. His hand reached up to the back of his head as it did sometimes in moments of nervousness or agitation, ruffling his own hair and grinning at Chris with an awkward toothy grin.

Chris could tell there was something bothering his friend but he also knew that PJ would broach it when the time seemed right. Which apparently was not right now.

They fell into easy and deep conversation standing close able to feel the heat emanating from the other. Chris perceived it as an almost irresistible pull deep inside, an urge to touch, to feel every last inch of PJ's skin under hands, lips and tongue. A small brunette woman slid seemingly from nowhere to PJs side and casually snaked her arm around his waist, beaming up at him adoringly. Chris smiled down at her indulgently, one of his university friends, or even a newYoutuber and 'fan' of Peej's perhaps. PJ jumped as if he'd been poked with a cattle prod, "Sam?!"With an awkwardness born of surprise heleant down smiling a little and laid an affectionate peck on the top of her head.

PJ didn't seem to be able to meet Chris's eyes, and he shuffled a little uncomfortably on the spot. He seemed to be preparing himself for something, gathering himself together. "Um..." a deep breath puffed up his chest. Something difficult he was not going to like was coming Chris realised with a sickening lurch in his chest.

"Chris, this is Sam...she's Sophie's cousin...we met when she visited Soph several times during the last term at uni." PJ scratched the back of his head again and gave Chris a smile that despite it's intention displayed only a barely concealed mess of emotions, mainly distress. "What a great surprise that you could make it after all Sam" PJ's eyes crinkled with genuine warmth when he smiled at her,a warmth that quickly fled and bled into sorrow as his eyes moved to Chris.

Chris felt that he was encased perspex, everything became muted, the colour drained out of the room, even smells disappeared into nothingness. His manners kicked in, he was too confused to give this feeling a name yet, but he knew that he couldn't give in to it, not yet, not here, he had to get through the next few moments without disintegrating.

"Nice to meet you Sam...short for Samantha I presume?". The girl nodded with a smile "Yes, and nice to meet you too Chris, I've heard so much about you! I'm studying Fine Art Practices at Brighton Uni".The shock had not hit fully yet, though Chris felt numb and disoriented he still had no name for this noted in this detached state that apparently PJ had a type, petite cute and brunette, she reminded him a little of Lex.

For a while Chris had thought that these days he was PJ's type. No one else knew but over the last year their flirtatious over the top displays of affection for the camera and laughshad escalated to friends with benefits. They hadn't gone quite all the way but they had kissed, they had kissed and kissed and kissed. They had also 'helped each other out' with hands and lips when things got heated, which had become more and more often as the months went by. This had been it for Chris, his flirtatious for the cameras crush had morphed into full blown heart obliterating love. He'd never been in love before, never sought it out, but it had found him none the less. He knew PJ wasn't there yet, but surely his tender touches, searing passionate kisses and melting looks meant something.

When PJ stayed over and they snuggled on the sofa after a film or game night, or lay in one another's armsafter kissing, and stroking each other to bone meltingly intense climaxes talk often turned to future plans. PJ had said he wouldn't be averse to moving in with him. Told him that their days together were full of fun and contentment and that he could do a lot worse. He didn't think that PJ had intended to be cruel yet allowing this seed of hope to blossom into full ripeness had not been a kindness he realised now. More cynical people might even have felt they had been led on.

Chris suddenly remembered to breath. Drawing in an embarrassingly loud and shaky breath, lips tight, eyebrows raised a little and head tilted to the side he gave PJ the most intense annoyed questioning look he dared in front of the new girlfriend.

This is where it all started to fall away. Chris felt himself stop turning with the world, becoming an isolated cold fixed point in time. He knew his body would continue the march of time but his mind would remain in stasis unable to move, having simply nowhere to move on to, trapped here, in the moment where his heart broke.

He gathered his strength in an attempt to keep his voice steady. His voice quiet and face devoid of expression "Well it was nice meeting you Sam, if you'll excuse me Mr wizz is calling" with a glance to PJ he left in search of the bathroom, trying hard not to stumble over feet that seemed to have become lead weights.

He had to get away, it felt like the game he played as a child, whenyou spin, and spin and spin until you are giddy, when you stop the world lurches on, swirling around you. Leaving you shipwrecked for a moment, swaying and stumbling, often the ground rushes up to meet you, and you're left helpless and giggling on the floor. The type of giddy Chris was feeling now he was pretty sure was not going to lead to any giggling.

He didn't want this feeling, it held the promise that there would be some retching involved shortly. He wanted to move straight to dead inside but for the moment he had to ride this out let the sensations flood through his body until he could get home and get a grip on them. He felt his stomach knot and lurch again and knew if he didn't move fast he'd embarrass himself in front of everyone, as he tried to suppress the rhythmical convulsions that were rising from the pit of his stomach making him sweat and shake. He moved as quickly as he could to the bathroom.

PJ's gaze was directed firmly at the carpet, he couldn't risk looking at Sam right now, she would surely see the concern, even desperation written across his face. He hadn't wanted Chris to find out like this. Sam had said she wouldn't be able to make the party, she had a dental appointment to remove an impacted wisdom tooth, and felt she really wouldn't feel like partying afterwards. Not to mention the risk of her mouth still being numb and dribbling booze down herself like some kind of down and out.

She hadn't told PJ but due to a cancellation at the surgery she'd managed to reschedule the visit for the day before. She was excited that she could give Peej a surprise and be there on this special night. It was a lovely thing to have done, but he wished she hadn't kept it a surprise, it would have been the incentive he needed to man up and talk to Chris about it. He really wished he could have plucked up the courage to have warned Chris in plenty of time, he knew he should have told him weeks ago, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Something just shut down inside him every time he resolved to have a word with Chris. Somehow he would find something else that just had to be done first.

"Excuse me a minute Sam, I just want a quick word with Chris and I can see Sophie waving us over, can you tell her I'll be over as soon as I can?". PJ was relieved that Soph was calling, it gave him an excuse to look for Chris without Sam coming too, he didn't want to hurt her feelings by asking her not to come.

PJ knocked the bathroom door, his heart was a mechanical leaden lump in his chest pounding too hard with no way to calm it down. The thin wood veneer of the door felt cold and fake against his hand. He couldn't help but feel that it was a physical analogy for the way he now felt he had led Chris on. In the moments they spent together he loved Chris, and he felt awful about how this was turning out, but Chris knew he wasn't gay or bi... "Chris!?".

"Hello?" A woman's voice came from within, "Oops sorry! I was looking for my friend". PJ turned on his heel and scanned the room looking for the familiar tall willowy figure topped by a floppy mop of glossy brown hair. Not finding the familiar shape he made his way to the kitchen and opened a can of a diet coke, Chris's favourite drink he smiled and his breath caught in his throat with the thought.

Despite himself he did have feelings for his friend, he couldn't really deny that, you didn't become friends with certain benefits if you weren't inappropriately close, he had to admit that at least. He was frankly confused. Chris was just his weirdly improper friend, anyone would be upset about hurting their friend... right?

As he peered through the window he caught sight of the familiar shape. Sitting on the edge of the trampoline he Soph and Jamie had set it up in thegarden, as soon as they could after moving in. PJ didn't hesitate and found himself in the cool winter air in seconds. "Chris man, what are you doing out here? it's bloody cold, where's your scarf? I'll get it for you".

Chris seemed to be examining his feet in extraordinary detail, his head did not move to look up even a millimetre. "Why didn't you tell me?". "I'm really sorry Chris, I meant to tell you sooner, you know this wasn't the way I wanted you to find out right?". Every word PJ spoke pierced Chris and shattered into a thousand lacerating crystal shards in his guts. Chris was fighting so hard not to cry, big girls don't cry right? "Really Peej? How do I know! you might be relishing dropping the bombshell, it certainly feels as if you don't care a fucking shit. Like I'm just some slut that doesn't matter, I was just a convenience and don't even have the right to think that I might have mattered."

Amongst the hurt there was another feeling and his cheeks burned red with it. Embarrassment, shame for having taken a future that would never really exist for granted, for acting like being together was a foregone conclusion. PJ must have though him so stupid and delusional.

PJ stood in front of Chris his mouth open to speak but too shocked by Chris's stinging words, and wracked with guilt to respond for a moment. Chris, hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his black wool coat, shoulders hunched as if fending off some invisible attack raised his head. Eyes bright and burning with unshed tears, PJ knew it was a cliché, but he knew why now, he really felt that Chris's eyes reached deep inside him, right to his soul and found it wanting. His hand reached out to brush Chris's arm, a comforting gesture, but Chris flinched away as if the hand were death itself. "Don't touch me!" minuscule spheres of saliva hung in the icy air, a damning mist testimony to the vehemence of the exclamation and hurt inside. This was going much worse than PJ had hoped.

PJ moved a little closer wanting so much to take Chris in his arms and comfort him, but he was the cause of his pain and he didn't know what to do. They were inches apart seemingly frozen by the seasonal chill, made inanimate by the tumultuous feelings and thoughts coursing through their minds and bodies. Their breath coloured the cold night air between them, swirling and mingling together in an ironic display of how Chris had felt about their lives. Together, separate, but one, that wasn't true though was it. PJ didn't care about him at all.

In a quiet voice PJ said the only thing he could think of right now, "but Chris I never promised?.. you knew I'm not...um... I love you but... you know I'm not... bi..I...". Chris stood up, abruptly running his fingers roughly through his hair pushing his fringe back exposing his smooth pale forehead, making his eyes look even bigger, wild even. "Really!? REALLY!? Because it sure seemed like it when your mouth was around my cock!". PJ's eyes widened, fuck! He hoped no one inside could hear them, but Chris had a fair point. He loved Chris, but the sex stuff had been friends helping each other out in a dry patch... hadn't it?.. He always thought Chris realised that; but yep Chris was right... It certainly was a 'little bit' non heterosexual.

Chris inhaled a deep draught of brittle January air, the sharp feeling of it in his lungs felt good echoing the pain that seemed to wrack his body. Fuck love if this is what it felt like. He let the breath out in a loud exhalation that had more shudder to it than he would have liked. It felt as if he were breathing out all the love, all the warmth, all the trust inside him, wasted, nowhere to go but condense in the frigid winter air and disperse as mist into the atmosphere. Without another word he turned from PJ, crunched over the crispy frost laced grass to the small wooden side gate and let himself out.

PJ blinked, why hadn't he gone after Chris...He couldn't Sam would wonder where he was. He stood in the garden, torn between running after Chris and returning to the house. The bite of the night air started to make itself known. Literally shaking himself free of the moment PJ made his decision, he started back to the house for now. He'd ring or text Chris later, hopefully they could talk this out, he couldn't lose Chris.

As the door opened it seemed to propel him into another dimension, of warmth, happiness and good feeling. Bright lights, warm air and the laughter of friends filled the air. PJ couldn't help but smile, this is what it's all about isn't it? Family, friends, companionship, but his mind wouldn't free itself of Chris, the warmth had an insubstantial air about it now, like a thin veil about to be torn. Couldn't he have this with Chris if he wanted?

Why did Chris keep denying himself this kind of straightforward life full of friends. He pushed people away, he loved company but alienated it at the same time. That boy was one frustrating parcel of contradictions and adorableness. At that thought PJ's breath caught a little in his throat for the second time, he really was adorable, and damn he'd left his scarf behind

"There you are Peej, we wondered where you'd got to, did you find Chris?". PJ's arm found Sam's waist, a small smile on his face. "Yeah I found him, he doesn't like big crowds, he can handle it most of the time but sometimes he needs to sneak off to a quiet spot. Just had a word about whether he wants to do another video together. Nothing definite yet, he had to leave early, think's he's come down with something". Sam smiled, reached up and ruffled Peej's hair, "I hope he's ok, and I hope he he will make some videos with you, I like you two together, you bring the best out in each other. PJ grinned, "we do don't we".

PJ felt bad about lying to Sam, and he felt bad about Chris, he'd never thought of himself as this kind of person before, he felt sneaky and underhand. He wasn't liking himself one bit right now. He spent the rest of the party half hoping, to see Chris weaving his way through the crowd. Even if it was only to get his scarf, feeling crest fallen when it didn't happen.

The next few days went by quite quickly, PJ was busy, getting ideas together for a video, putting suggestions forward to some people at the BBC, even sending out feelers to film makers in the UK and America. Meanwhile he texted, tweeted and emailed Chris but hadn't had a response yet. It was early days though and it didn't seem anything to worry about, Chris had every right to be angry at him at the moment.

PJ realised that he hadn't seen a lot of Sam that week either so far, but they both had a lot on their plates so he supposed it was to be expected. They finally managed to get together at the weekend and enjoyed a wonderful night out. Brighton had some great night life, and brilliant small restaurants. Back at the house Sam seemed a little distracted. As the sat on the sofa in the dark, warm and comfortable about to load up a film Sam blurted out "I'm going to be away for a couple of weeks". "Oh, right, well that's ok" PJ smiled encouragingly wondering why and waiting for Sam to continue.

"It's my dad, you know he's been made redundant, well he's used some of his severance payment to book a last minute family holiday, said it could be the last one we'll all have together before us kids move out". PJ felt a wave of relief wash over him but wasn't sure why. "Aww that's great! Where are you going?". Sam's eyes lit up, she was happy that Peej was pleased for her, she told him how her dad had always wanted to visit Sicily where his mother's family came from. So they would visit there, and then maybe move on to Rome afterwards. It would be about two weeks maybe three, she was a little worried about taking so long out of her course but didn't want to miss this opportunity.

Of course he'd miss her, but if he was honest right now he could do with a little time to think. To catch his breath, and try and make things right with Chris. He still hadn't heard from him and he was starting to worry.

"Why won't this bloody light stay where I put it!" PJ exclaimed out loud to no one in particular. This video just didn't want to be made, nothing was going right. The idea that had seemed to come to him so complete and free flowing a couple of weeks ago just refused to allow itself to be put to paper, or onto a story board. He'd dropped Jamie's camera and had to wait nearly a week for it to be repaired, thankfully he hadn't had to fork out for a new one. It just seemed to be one delay after another.

He kicked the stand that the spotlight was clipped to hearing it rattle and judder back into place as he stomped off to his bedroom. "What's up with Peej?", "don't ask me Louis, he's been like a bear with a sore head for days, not like him at all. Maybe he's coming down with something". Louis sighed no point in him hanging around if Peej wasn't going to carry on "I'm gonna take a break Jamie... can you tell him I've gone back to mine and we'll talk about the set design and costumes when he's feeling more himself".

The next day after trying to contact Chris for what seemed like the millionth time he threw Chris's scarf into his car and headed for London. A stupid reason to be driving all that way, but he really wanted to see Chris and the way they had left things he felt he needed an excuse. The journey left plenty of time for his mind to wander. He was really quite concerned about Chris now, and though he and Samantha skyped most days, he was beginning to realise that his heart wasn't really in it. He was beginning to suspect that maybe hers wasn't either.

He began to think about what he had with Samantha that he didn't with Chris, and the answer was nothing really, in fact the more he thought about it the more he realised how much more he had with Chris. Of course they were different people he never expected her to be a female Chris, he'd been attracted to her for lots of reasons. He could see with hind sight that they'd almost fallen into a relationship by accident, they were seeing quite a lot of each other, and despite her independence Sam was a girl who liked structure. So when she wanted to define their friendship his title of boyfriend was born.

PJ had liked that feeling of 'belonging' the sense of being part of a unit, but he realised now that he already had been. He had made assumptions too that had prevented him from seeing it clearly, assumptions that he would perhaps get married and have a little family a very traditional family unit, and that Chris would still be there, uncle Chris to his kids, his rock, someone to turn to and have fun with forever. It was simply the path down which his life seemed to always have been travelling. Now he realised perhaps it was time to admit that he should have taken the other fork in the road. The road less travelled could bring joys greater than the obvious highway.

By the time he reached Chris's flat his lip was red and swollen from the chewing he'd given it. He was also surprised, and not a little annoyed to find no response to his knocks, rings, and texts. He rang everyone he knew that Chris might be with, it was a small list he was sad to realise. Eventually he had no choice but to turn around and head for home.

On the homeward journey he made a decision, he texted Sam to meet up, there was something he had to talk to her about. From her reply he had the distinct impression that what he had to say was mutual. They were very fond of each other but friends was seeming the better option for both of them right now.

As the days crept by PJ tried to still the maelstrom of frustration and anxiety swirling in his stomach and mind. The video was behind schedule but he wished everyone would just go away. He wanted to be alone, he felt himself slipping somehow, he knew he wasn't going to be able to work until he got his head straight. A constant feeling of irritation and new found clumsiness seemed to follow him everywhere. In his bedroom he buried his head in his pillow, and fell asleep where he was. His sleep was restless, filled with emptiness and ephemeral spectres of fear and loss.

x

A bleeping filled the darkness, at first Chris wasn't aware of where he was and what the hell that noise could be. Slowly reality seeped into his sleep addled brain and he reached his hand out from the womb like warmth of his duvet and fumbled for his phone. Drawn under the covers where he huddled like some sort of troll in a cave the light from the text hurt his eyes. Tom?,,, oh yeah, Tom Ridgewell of course. Shit he'd forgotten his promise to work with him, he'd done a couple of sketches recently and had promised more. It didn't matter now anyway. Chris sighed and rolled over onto his back allowing the phone to fall to the floor.

The last thing he wanted was to talk to anyone, let alone 'perform'. He lay there for hours, just staring at the ceiling. Immobile, his thoughts just free falling, forming and drifting like clouds in and out of his consciousness. Paying no more heed to them than to dust motes at the periphery of his vision. Some of the thoughts said pull yourself together, you have a lot going for you, other's said just fucking kill yourself, you're no use to anyone, and no one would miss you if you went. Neither thought had any more merit to him than another. He simply didn't care. It hurt to move, it hurt to think, perhaps he'd just lay here a bit longer. He didn't intend to seek out death, neither was he going to seek out life, neither thought really occurred to him consciously, he was just existing. If one path took him then so be it.

x

"No, I haven't seen him for a few weeks Tom sorry, when did you text him? Oh!.. how many times! Yeah I'll ask around... aha.. Yeah I tried a few days ago but he wasn't in...Ok... I was going to try again today anyway, I'll keep you up to date". As he hung up PJ mumbled out loud in frustration what is wrong with that boy, doesn't he know people care about him, worrying everyone like this.

PJ tapped out a text as he slipped into his coat pressing send as he left the house. As his text sent another one arrived. "PJ, have you heard from Chris? I can't get hold of him and he missed a family do yesterday". PJ started to move faster, a sense of urgency gripping him, what the hell, Chris and his mum were quite close, something really was wrong. A quick text to Chris's mum before he got in the car to tell her he was going to the flat and that he'd get in touch later and he was off.

"Phil!... Phil... can you hear me?".

"Yeah Dan no need to yell I'm only in the next room!"

"I just got a text from Peej asking if we'd seen or heard from Chris",

"Oo, I just got one from Jack asking the same thing, something's up by the sound of it. I hope Chris is ok".

Dan's bottom lip disappeared as he sucked it in, obviously concerned about their friend as he texted back to PJ letting him know that neither of them had seen or heard from Chris in a couple of weeks.

The sound of messages pinging into PJ's phone reminded him of some old school video game, but they didn't bring the familiar accompanying feeling of excitement.

The guilt had left PJ about Sam they had parted on good terms after their last meeting, but the guilt was building hard about Chris, nothing seemed right anymore. The longer he had gone without word from him the more he thought about him, even his dreams were full of him. He had slowly begun to realise how much he missed him, more than he'd missed anyone. He missed the way his hair went from shiny to greasy seemingly in a split second, he missed his daft grin and inappropriate comments in public, the way he couldn't look at him without smiling. He just missed Chris, if he was honest with himself he missed his touch. If that made him gay, then he was fucking gaylord McGay gay. Chris had never been out of the loop this long before. PJ was getting scared.

He'd put on a different coat to usual this time, remembering that there was something very precious in one of the pockets, he checked for the tenth time that it was still there. He hoped he wouldn't need it.

x

Somewhere in a part of Chris that he no longer consciously had full access to he knew he was being stupid, yet his feet and hands seemed to have a life of their own. They carried him to the living room, where he found himself fumbling down the back of the sofa. Ahh there it was, he had a feeling he'd find it there. When was the last time PJ had worn this scarf? the last time he visited he guessed about 6 maybe 8 weeks ago. It was slightly musty from having spent a few weeks down the back of his sofa, but it still held what Chris craved, the ghost of the scent he needed, eau de Liguori. Without a second glance at anything else he returned to bed pulled the covers back over his head and buried his face in the long scarf, cuddling it's insubstantial form to him as if it could fill the space PJ had left.

The last few weeks had taught him that big girls do in fact cry. He hadn't even realised he was doing it at first but his cheeks seemed to have been permanently wet for the first few days after they parted. By now he no longer cried, that emptiness inside had taken hold and turned him into an automaton. He ate if he happened to be passing the kitchen and he remembered. Ate is probably an exaggeration for the act which he performed. He would stuff a handful of something, anything, whatever was near and easily accessible, into his mouth chew briefly and swallow. Whatever it was it all tasted the same, and it all felt like broken glass ripping its way down his oesophagus. This was no longer even a daily occurrence, in fact he wasn't at all sure when he last performed this unpleasant and unwelcome task.

He drank wherever he happened to be when he felt thirsty. From the bathroom taps, a stale glass of water that had been left by his bed the night before the party, he rarely actually bothered to make the trip to the kitchen and make himself a drink. He couldn't be bothered to go out of his way to do anything. He hadn't noticed himself but he was not looking too fresh right now. His clothes had started to hang off him as if from a coat hanger. He'd stopped thinking about leaving the flat, and his phone hadn't rung for a while now. Not that he noticed but this was because the battery was long dead. It had even started to gather a little family of dust bunnies around it in the little nest it had formed on the carpet where he had dropped it.

Chris drifted in and out of sleep, or was he simply losing consciousness, whichever it was he didn't mind it meant he didn't have to think. At first his sleep had been plagued by nightmares. Some were obvious and needed no study to guess what they were about. Often he was being torn apart by countless hideous creatures while PJ watched holding Sam close so she couldn't see the gruesome spectacle. Other nightmares he didn't remember, but he did remember waking up with his throat raw, and his pillow sodden. Now the dreams had become rare and more insubstantial when he had them. Sleep brought a sort of comfort, he floated away like a soap bubble on the breeze, just bobbing and drifting wherever the wind took him. The scarf still clutched to him he smiled as he slipped deeper into dreamless sleep.

x

The journey though not that long seemed to PJ to take forever, the landscape moved by the windows in an unheeded blur. By the time he reached Chris's flat he was a churning mess of feelings and thoughts. Chris still hadn't answered his phone, it was going straight to voicemail. He had no idea what he would say to Chris, he really didn't want to lose him he knew that much. PJ had experienced heartbreak before, being quicker to love and trust than Chris had its downside, and this felt like no heartbreak he'd ever felt before, the intensity of what he was feeling was confusing him. Was it heartbreak or just worry and stress, whichever it was he didn't like it. He wasn't even aware of the quiet whimpering sound that he made at the back of his throat unconsciously every time he thought about what could be wrong with Chris.

PJ banged on Chris's door, more loudly than he'd intended the sound reverberated in the silence, there was no answer. He tried his phone again to be met with the familiar voicemail message. Five more minutes of knocking yielded no results. Maybe Chris wasn't here, perhaps he'd gone to his mums after all... but why was his phone off... PJ paced the small corridor, running his hand through his hair as if the familiar action could quell the panic rising within.

He reached into his pocket his hand closing around something special, removing his hand he looked at the key nestled in his palm. It brought back good and sad memories, Chris had given it to him with the words this is the key to your home it's yours whenever you're ready, he'd said it in an exaggerated 'goofy' voice, but the key and the intention was real enough. He'd never used it before, always feeling that he should be invited, and at least knock first like a good visitor. Now was the time.

The door opened smoothly a waft of stale dry air caught PJ by surprise, tickled his nose and made him sneeze. The flat felt strange, it was cold curtains were drawn and there were no lights on anywhere despite the darkening hour. Most of all there was no yell of "I'll thank you not to spray snot all over my flat", no sign or sound of Chris. It felt unlived in, a thin layer of dust was just visible on every flat surface. Maybe Chris had gone somewhere after all, just moved away and left them all, his heart constricted at the thought. PJ wasn't going to leave without making sure though. The lounge was clearly empty, a methodical approach took him straight to the bedroom as it was just off the lounge as you entered the flat.

Opening the door Peej realised immediately that this room felt or rather smelt lived in. "Chris!?" PJ addressed the slight hump in the bed. There was no response, the curtains here were drawn too. PJ flicked the switch and light washed across the scene. It wasn't messy, there were no empty plates or cups around the bed, just one empty glass and a tuft of unruly brown hair sticking out of the duvet. PJ walked to the bedside his foot kicking against something as he did so, bending down he realised it was Chris's phone. Not only dead, but dusty, his heart was in his mouth as all sorts of awful scenarios played in his head. He carefully sat down on the side of the bed and whispered, terrified there would be no response, "Chris... Chris it's PJ". Nothing.

A lump threatened to close PJ's airway, he was so close to losing it, why the hell hadn't he chased after Chris, or tried harder to get in last time he came. He was so scared of what he would find but he realised he had to pull the covers back, he needed to see if Chris was just deeply asleep.. or, he couldn't even think the other word. The fear numbed him and made him clumsy, he tugged the duvet down more aggressively than he'd intended creating a sudden whoosh of cold air, startling Chris. The great shuddering breath he gave as the covers were pulled from his face filled PJ with relief. "Jesus Chris, I swear I thought you were dead!".

Chris's eyes were dull and looked quite sunken. PJ took in his appearance more carefully, reaching out to brush his messy fringe out of his eyes to see him more clearly. "God you're cold Chris" concern laced PJ's words and expression. Chris seemed to be having difficulty focussing and forming words, he tried to speak his voice quiet yet rough and gravelly, "am I turning yet?", he gulped as if his throat was too dry to let the words out "what...cold?... am I turning yet?... I... I stopped …... am I here now?"

PJ stared at Chris confused, not quite able to reconcile the poor broken figure in the bed with his vibrant loving Chris. "You're not making sense Chris, you look terrible... have you been eating..." PJ leaned closer looking deep into Chris's eyes, his body protectively hovering close over Chris, cradling his face, thumbs stroking along his too sharp cheekbones in what he hoped was a comforting manner, his chest heavy with worry... Chris?... Chris!". Jesus he looked like an advert for famine relief, his eyes were still dull and confused, the black circles there deeply etched. HIs pallid chapped lips almost invisible against his chalky skin. He had to do something. Chris's hands had risen shakily to grasp PJs wrists as they cradled his face, they were so thin and cold, the grip so weak, and now his eyes were closing, he wasn't responding.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! Chris! Can you hear me!...". PJ quickly but gently took both of Chris's hands in one of his and fumbled for his phone. His thumb entered the three digits faster than he thought he was capable of moving. "Ambulance please" he stated as the operator asked which service he required. He gave the address and a brief explanation of what he had observed. The ambulance will be with you in about ten minutes sir. Stay with Chris, and try and keep him aware, talk to him. The operator would have kept talking and encouraging him but he wanted to concentrate on Chris. His eyes were drawn again to Chris's normally full, sensual kissable lips, oh god! he hasn't even been drinking enough he realised; they looked like parchment, even the tip of his tongue that was visible through his parted lips looked dark swollen and dry.

He ran to the kitchen and filled a glass. Taking it back to Chris, he cradled his head in the crook of one arm, constantly talking to him, telling him how much he meant to him, pleading with him to stay with him. He lifted the glass to Chris's lips and moistened them. At first the liquid just met unresponsive lips and ran down his chin.

PJ dipped two fingers into the cool fluid and brought them up to Chris's papery lips, parting them enough to let a few drops trickle into his arid mouth. With constant encouragement Chris parted his lips a little more, enough to take tiny sips. His eyes fluttered open several times fixed on PJ as if he couldn't quite make out whether he was real or not, before losing focus and closing again. The only other word that passed his lips before the ambulance arrived was "Sam?".

When the paramedics swooped in just a few minutes later they immediately took control. At first they couldn't find a vein to take blood and put in an iv, PJ heard the words - "Breathing's shallow...very dehydrated, have to get a line in... keep trying...try his wrist...maybe the thigh...forget about taking blood, it's thick anyway... leave it to the hospital... needs urgent rehydration" The crew were very calm and friendly, and made sure to address both him and Chris by name, chatting in between questions to keeping him calm as they worked on Chris. Most of the many questions they asked PJ he was ashamed to realise he simply couldn't answer, last time he'd seen Chris he was physically fine. While this was going on he tried to get hold of Chris's mum with no success, he didn't want to tell her by text.

"Phil? Thank god! Listen Chr ...yep,...aha...I'm with him now...sorry Phil I can't talk much now, Chris isn't well...hang on, slow down Phil... I'll let you know more later ok? He's being taken to hospital...yes! I'm going with him... No that's why I'm ringing you... Yeah, I need someone to keep trying her and I know you have her number... yes please, let her know he's ok … well okish and where we're going, I'll text you the details en route... I know, I know...yeah I've texted Sophie so they'll know where I am. Damn, got to go Phil, they're taking him out now, tell his mum not to worry he's being looked after, I'll try her again when I can... Sorry... got to go...Thanks Phil!"

PJ hung up without further explanation, there was no way he was letting Chris go alone. When the ambulance crew asked if he was a relation he blurted out "I'm his fiancé", he didn't want to risk them not allowing him to come. As he climbed into the ambulance he slapped his forehead, brother! He thought, or cousin... why didn't I just say that. Another part of him knew why.

"What's wrong with him? I've been working away for a couple of weeks" he lied not wanting to seem like a shit uncaring fiancé, "he seemed fine when I was with him last"

"We can't really tell at this stage PJ, the doctors will need to assess him, and I'm sure they will need to do several tests, but we can say that he is very, very dehydrated, and appears to be malnourished. He doesn't seem to have been looking after himself either, we can't tell if that lack of self care came before weakness induced by lack of nutrition and fluids; or if it was a general thing that was part of the same thing. Was he normally fastidious about cleanliness?" "Yes" PJ stated quietly and flatly "very!".

PJ took up his place as close to Chris as he could, holding one of his hands in both of his staring into space as tears coursed unbidden down his cheeks. He was having difficulty processing what was happening, the inside of the ambulance was more surreal than any cardboard spaceship he'd ever created. He was surprised it didn't smell more clinical. A tiny capsule rushing through the still cold night air containing what he now had to admit to himself was his whole world. If something happened to Chris he realised with a deep conviction that he was fucked, done, over with, there would be no coming back from that for him. He realised he was trembling.

After admission to the clinical decision unit they were then passed on to another ward where Chris was settled into a bed. During the process Chris hadn't really regained consciousness properly, when they had been able to rouse him he wasn't really lucid.

PJ spent a very uncomfortable night in a big padded leather look chair with open wooden arms, that the nurses had brought in from the family waiting room for him. He slept a little, slumped forward his head resting on his arms where they were folded on the bed next to Chris's waist. He was glad to be there when the doctor arrived at nine thirty the next morning.

"So it really is 'just' malnutrition and dehydration?". The Doctor standing at the end of Chris's bed was young and enthusiastic, "yes Mr. Liguori, though there's no 'just' about it, he really was a day or so away from death, it's the fluids you see we can go a lot longer without food than without liquid. Once Chris starts to come around more he can start to take fluids orally again, and small easily digested meals...What caused his lack of self care we don't yet know".

PJ, gulped looking at the cold white floor. He knew, it was his fault, he'd nearly killed Chris. How could he ever get over this, he felt like a monster. He never expected Chris to cut him off so completely, if only he'd... He took a deep breath pinching the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes tight and literally shaking the spiralling thoughts away.

"Mr. Liguori?" "you can call me PJ"... "PJ, do you need to sit down, a glass of water maybe? It's been traumatic for you too". "No, sorry, just a bit overwhelmed there for a minute, please carry on I'm ok".

"OK, well let us know if you need something. We usually see the kind of self neglect Chris has succumbed to in people with certain kinds of mental illness, or depression". PJ's eyes were wide, "I don't think he has any diagnosed mental illness?.. He may have been a little down, we... umm argued".

"I think this qualifies as more than a little down PJ. We need to make sure Chris is capable of looking after himself before we discharge him". PJ thought for a moment, "His mother will be here soon, and I'm sure she would say she would look after him, but I want to do that or at least help if Chris and his mum will allow, or perhaps we can do it together. Would you allow him home If I stayed with him 24/7 until he's feeling more himself?".

The doctor considered for a moment, scanning the clipboard in his hands "I'll have to talk to the senior consultant dealing with Chris's case, but If Chris agrees to it, and seems mentally competent, and once he's stabilized, I'm fairly confident that would be a yes". PJ let out a sigh of relief, there were lots of 'ifs', but most of all he hoped that Chris would agree, he might still be pretty pissed with him.

As the rehydration and intravenous nutrients began to make a difference Chris was starting to wake up more often although still woozy, andhe was making more effort to try to speak, but still seemed to be talking in riddles.

PJ sat in a chair next to Chris, he hadn't been home and had no intention of moving. He wanted Chris to know he was there, that he cared, there was also the fact that he simply didn't want to be parted from him. He was full of regret, and love, there was a large part of him that couldn't understand his previous actions. It should always have been him and Chris.

A faint mumbled "am I turning? Am I here" reached PJ's ears, it was something Chris had repeated a few times since PJ had found him. Holding his hand in his left hand and gently stroking his forehead with the other PJ asked softly "What do you mean Chris?". "Peej? You're not...are you real?". "Of course I am Chris, it's going to be ok? why do you keep asking if you're turning..? I'm here and if you'll let me stay I'm not going anywhere again".

PJ wondered if Chris had been sleep talking again or was still a little delirious because his eyes had been shut the whole time. His voice was quiet and changed pitch and loudness, sometimes trailing off as if it were too much effort to talk, or that he'd forgotten what he was doing. Now Chris tried to open his eyes, they were still screwed up as if trying hard to focus. PJ felt his heart jolt as his eyes met Chris's properly for the first time since the flat. "PJ doesn't care you can't be him, he's happy now..." Chris blinked peering at PJ, as if trying to see who he was really talking to, not accepting the evidence of his own eyes. "I stopped... I... the world didn't but I did, I couldn't help it, I didn't mind stopping, he wasn't there so I didn't mind".

"Chris, you're going to get better", PJ's eyes were glistening but he wasn't going to cry now, he wanted to comfort Chris, he could cry later if he had to. "It is me Chris, it's Peej, I'm so sorry! I should never have done what I did, I hope I can make it up to you, I don't blame you if you don't forgive me but please let me try to show you how much you mean to me". "Peej?" Chris smiled, and his eyes cleared for a moment, "Peej" he repeated as his eyes slowly shut, the smile still on his face as he drifted into what seemed to be a comfortable sleep.

PJ took the opportunity to ask if the staff would mind if he used the hospital showers he felt so grubby. He needed to make a few phone calls, get people to bring him in some fresh clothes, some for Chris too. He bought a snack from a vending machine and made his way back to Chris.

Later standing by the bed as Chris slept PJ stared at him, he was so still, so fragile and pale; he, leant down once again brushing the floppy fringe from his forehead and placed a warm lingering kiss there. Cradling Chris's chin in his palm he rested his forehead against his friends, eyes closed, breathing deeply. Chris's eyes fluttered, stirring he swallowed, he sighed at the pleasure of feeling PJ warm against him. The familiar scent comforting him even in sleep.

Their eyes opened almost at the same time, PJ spoke his voice low and hoarse "I love you Chris, please don't ever try and leave me again, I won't ever want any one but you" Chris eyes were clearer than earlier, he seemed more alert, and his expression was one of surprise. His still too thin hands rose still trembling slightly to grip PJ's wrists, his cool weak grip making PJ feel helpless and close to crying. Chris had been on intravenous fluids and nutrition for more than 24 hours now, and it seemed to have helped more than PJ had dared to hope.

He was more lucid than the last time he tried to speak. "Do you mean that Peej? What about Sam? have you forgotten that you were the one that left me? I thought you didn't like boys..." PJ couldn't help but smile at the onslaught of questions, he felt it must mean Chris was starting to recover. "Sam was lovely, but I realise now that I was trying to live up to expectations I had of myself, when I was with her I just couldn't make it feel right even though I really liked her. I realised why after our argument at the housewarming". PJ looked down, considering his next words, before looking into Chris's eyes "I don't like boys... I like … I love *you!*"

As PJ's words soaked in Chris's hands moved slowly from wrists to thick curly brown hair as PJ closed the distance between them and soft lips met cracked still chapped ones. PJ moved one hand to gently cradle Chris's head supporting him tenderly fingers gently stroking through the greasy silky hair; the other cupped his cheek, his thumb tracing the shape of Chris's painfully sharp cheekbone, a sad reminder of the malnutrition he was still suffering, as they shared a tender kiss.

The world seemed to lurch, to take on a vibrancy it had lacked for so many weeks. Chris's eyes sparkled with the life they'd previously lost, he whispered, "I'm turning again Peej!". PJ laughed, he'd have to find out exactly what Chris had meant by all this turning talk. For now, a grin on his face he replied "you turned a long time ago my love, and I'm so glad of that". Chris chuckled quietly, well this is nice isn't it, like a bloody fairytale and I'm sleeping beauty. PJ thought he might never stop grinning.

"Chris?" a concerned woman's voice broke the moment. A little figure hurried to the bedside. Look at you, what happened love!?... and you Mr PJ … why did you both not tell me... how could you let your fiancé get into such a pickle?" Chris's mum was so flustered, worried about her baby boy, excited but annoyed that they hadn't told her they were engaged, that she'd found it out from a nurse. She didn't notice the raised eyebrows, quizzical 'What!?' look that passed from Chris to PJ.

She was too busy scanning every inch of her son that she could see, shocked at how thin and frail he looked to notice. Standing behind Chris's mum as she leant over the bed to kiss Chris's forehead PJ raised his shoulders and his hands a little in a shrug. Chris engulfed in a hug from his little mum stared at PJ over her shoulder eyes wide and expression demanding an explanation. PJ mouthed at Chris "I'll tell you later, I had to say we were sort of related".

"So Christopher just how did you get into this mess?". She pulled a chair up to the bedside obviously not leaving any time soon, managing also to give PJ a suspicious concerned look. Chris noticed this and was quick to jump to his 'fiancé's' defence. "It's not Peej's fault mum, he was... err.. working hard in Brighton and we hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks, I got a horrible virus and lost my appetite, and obviously didn't look after myself well enough. I didn't realise how poorly I was, I should have called someone, It's my own fault. As soon as PJ knew he got me in here straight away... an over reaction if you ask me... but...". Chris could't help play his situation down, he didn't like worrying his mum, and he didn't want her to think badly of PJ either.

"Silly boy!" his mum rose from her chair, retrieving a tissue from the pocket of her coat, dabbing at the tears in the corner of her eyes and blowing her nose loudly. She wrapped her arms around the lanky man in the bed, still a little boy to her in that moment, and crushed him in her arms. "Don't you do this to me again Christopher, do you hear. If PJ goes away again you tell me" looking at Peej... "or YOU tell me... and I'll come and keep an eye on you just in case, silly silly boy". "Shit, Muuuum, it won't happen again, ok".

Looking at the little lady fussing over him, turning to talk to PJ and unpacking clothes that she'd brought in for both him and PJ, her eyes red rimmed and puffy he smiled. How could he have forgotten how much he loved her, what sort of shit son was he to almost put her through losing her child. He knew he shouldn't feel guilty, he hadn't had any control over what had happened. He hadn't been himself, he just kind of stopped existing, but even so the guilt was still there. He was going to have to try and make it up to her somehow.

PJ caught Chris's eye while his mum fretted over the fact that the jeans she'd brought in didn't seem to be the right 'sort' for PJ. The smile on his face emanated direct from his heart, he hoped that Chris could truly forgive him for his stupidity.

As his mum settled back into her chair, she pulled out a bottle of sports drink, which she insisted Chris sip from every few minutes and a big bar of Cadbury's chocolate from her bag. She broke off a square of chocolate and literally pushed it into Chris's mouth. Come on love, I know you're not that keen on chocolate but it's high in calories and you need fattening up, you can eat more nutritious stuff in between.

PJ laughed at the look of indignation on his boyfriends face, Chris was his world how could he have ever thought otherwise. "So boys, have you set a date?". The boys in question now had matching "oh shit" expressions as their eyes locked... "ummm..." PJ interrupted Chris's verbal fumbling. "Not yet Mrs K, not yet we haven't long made the decision, that's why Chris hadn't told you yet". He took one of Chris's hands and raised it to his lips to kiss, stormy aquamarine eyes brimming with love locked again with Chris's confused liquid hazel eyes holding him with a passionate intense gaze "but it's going to be as soon as possible if Chris agrees".

A nurse made her way to the bed, she wore a slightly dishevelled and flustered look. "um... we have a bit of a situation.. we don't normally allow more than two or three people to visit at a time but we have several people outside the ward who have turned up to see Chris. Do you feel up to seeing them? just for a few minutes"

PJ and Chris's mum turned to him, "are you up to it love? I'm sure whoever is out there will understand if I go out and explain" "It's OK Peej, I'd like to see them, I guess I owe people an apology anyway". The nurse but in "We can't allow the disruption for long, and we'll need to check with the other patients on the ward if it's ok too" The nurse scanned the three other patients who currently occupied the ward.

She didn't need to voice the question, one elderly man grinned, "let the horde in woman, it's nice to see some life in here", the other two occupants smiled and nodded their agreement. "Ok then, be it on your own head Chris" she grinned knowing that he would probably be surprised to see how many people were here. "Remember they can't stay long the doctors will be on their rounds soon, and I don't want you being tired out either" she chuckled as she left to let the flood in.

A minute or two later there was what seemed like a small stampede as people surged into the ward, Sophie leading the charge, Tom, Ben, Charlie, Hazel... blimey Hazel, he didn't even know she was in London right now?... Jamie, even Dan and Phil who he hadn't seen for too long, and his neighbour. All wanting to know what had happened, how he was, and why the fuck they hadn't been told he and Peej were engaged.

As the love and concern of their friends surrounded them, Chris and PJ hands intertwined had eyes only for each other, with smiles they felt would never fade on their faces. "Is this it then?" Chris whispered loud enough for Peej to hear, "we're really getting married?". PJ had found what he was looking for and he would never waver again "Yes Chris, yes we are". He leant down engulfing Chris in his arms, kissing him deeply happy to show the world who he loved.