Rating: T

Warnings: Bits of bad language, overprotective!Sasuke and parental!Obito fluff. Also obviously AU.

Word Count: ~1800 (complete)

Pairings: Kakashi/Obito, pre-Sasuke/Naruto if you squint

Summary: The life and times of Uchiha Sasuke, Pervert Buster and Defender of Uchiha Obito's Innocence, and his prank-master sidekick, Uzumaki Naruto. Follows here's my heart (you can break it)

Disclaimer: I don't hold the copyrights, I didn't create them, and I make no profit from this.

Notes: In celebration of my first attempt at wearing high heels (yes, I'm a heels-whore, shut up) since my accident, because such things make me ridiculously happy, here's that cracky coda to here's my heart (you can break it) that I promised.

Uchiha Sasuke, Professional Chastity Belt

The first time Sasuke meets Hatake Kakashi, the Academy gets out early. He's been with Obito for almost four months now, and he rushes home, proudly bearing the exam that boasts his second-highest-in-the-class score. Naruto calls a hurried goodbye, and Sasuke waves distractedly. They've been friends for a while now, and usually Sasuke would invite the other boy to come home with him, since Obito loves him having friends over and acts like a mother—er, older brother figure to both of them, but today is Obito's first back. The older Uchiha's been gone for a week and a half now, his mission unexpectedly running long, and Sasuke can't remember a time when he's been so eager to see a family member.

(Even with Itachi, there was always an edge of expectation from their father when they spent time together, an anticipation of rivalry that never existed. It always made Sasuke a little uncomfortable, but with Obito, there's none of that. It's…freeing.)

However, when he pulls open the door, there's no call of welcome, even though he can hear movement in the kitchen.

And…voices?

Sasuke blinks and frowns a little, because Obito is cheerful and friendly but nevertheless tends to keep mostly to himself. He's had friends drop by, but they don't stay long, and he still goes on missions often enough that he meets them at the Jounin Standby Station if he really wants to talk to them.

Slightly suspicious, Sasuke uses all the stealth at his disposal to sneak right up to the doorway of the kitchen and peek around. Generally, this works about as well as trying to sneak up on Obito wearing tap shoes and bells, but for once Sasuke's cousin doesn't notice.

That he's in the middle of fighting off the bastard assaulting him probably helps.

Sasuke barely has to look around the corner for his vision to descend into a red haze. A taller, bigger man in a jounin vest has Obito pushed right up against the fridge, even though Obito is clearly trying—politely, because Sasuke knows that when an ANBU wants to get away there's little question that they will, or that they'll leave moderate to severe injuries in their wake—to shove him back. The silver-haired asshole has both of Obito's wrists in one hand, a thigh between his legs, and is using his body to block any attempts to get away as he noses along Obito's neck.

"Kakashi, stop—Sasuke will be—fuck, stop!—home soon," Obito manages, and then his gaze lands on the boy in to doorway and his eye widens in horror.

Sasuke doesn't even have to think. He bolts out of hiding, flashes through the seven necessary hand seals, raises his fingers to his mouth, and growls, "Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu!"

The fucker molesting his kind, gentle cousin might be a jounin, but he's entirely distracted and unprepared. Obito sees it coming, breaks free in a desperate lunge to the side, and leaves the man to his fate.

And that's how Uchiha Sasuke and Hatake Kakashi meet.

(It only goes downhill from there.)

It's just after midnight when Sasuke finally manages to drag himself from the apartment, halfway convinced that that Hatake pervert will duck back in the second he leaves. Obito is still slinking around, red-faced and unable to meet Sasuke's eyes, and Sasuke is worried that the asshole will come back and take advantage of Obito's kind nature and unwillingness to do bodily injury in the process of fighting him off. However, this isn't the type of thing that Sasuke can do on his own.

For this, he's going to have to call up the big guns.

The appropriate apartment is easy to find, and Obito's taught him enough about chakra control that it's equally simple to walk right up the side the building and knock on the bedroom window.

Naruto opens it, looking sleep-rumpled and a little dazed, but that clears quickly when Sasuke all but tumbles into his apartment.

"Sasuke-kun?" he asks, blinking even as he rises worriedly to his feet. "Are you okay?"

"Naruto," Sasuke answers, still getting his breath back from the mad dash across town. "Can you teach me how to prank someone? How to prank them really well?"

Because Naruto regularly catches ANBU in his traps, and that's the kind of skill Sasuke's going to need if he wants to keep that molester away from his cousin.

Naruto, being Naruto, doesn't ask questions. His eyes simply light up, expression turning eager and gleeful and entirely wicked, and all he says is, "Who?"

Sasuke smirks.

Hatake's not going to know what hit him.

"Well, let's begin with introducing yourselves." The silver-haired man claps his hands and beams at his students. It's possible his eye twitches a little when he looks at Sasuke, but with the other one covered, it's fairly hard to tell.

Sasuke stares back, entirely unimpressed. The bastard's been panting after Obito since day one, and Sasuke has made it his life's mission to keep the perverted asshole away from his cousin as much as humanly possible. That smarmy grin's not about to get Kakashi any further into his good graces—or Obito's pants—than anything else Kakashi's tried over the years.

However, Sakura—one of his fangirls, and thank god that Naruto is here to balance her out—is sadly inexperienced in the ways of perverted jounin lusting after pure, sweet cousins, and glances tentatively around before asking slowly, "What do you want to know?"

"How about you likes, dislikes, dreams for the future and things like that?" Kakashi suggests, shrugging as he takes a seat on the low wall.

When Sasuke glances over, Naruto's eyes are narrowed suspiciously. Justified, in that he's met Kakashi before, too—being Sasuke's best friend means there were plenty of chances, since Kakashi is a damned stalker and won't ever leave Obito alone. "You go first," he suggests, though there's a certain note of command to it. Sasuke feels an upwelling of pride. He and Naruto have trained together almost every day since they first became friends, and Naruto will definitely manage to make Hokage someday.

"Yeah, you look kinda suspicious," Sakura tacks on, narrowing her own eyes, and Sasuke barely manages not to beam at her. Maybe this team thing won't be entirely bad, fangirl or no.

Kakashi looks thoughtful, tapping his chin with one long finger. "Oh…me? Well, my name is Hatake Kakashi. I have no desire to tell you my likes and dislikes. Dreams for the future…hmm."

(There's a particularly perverted gleam in his eye that has Sasuke stiffening in instinctual wariness. If the bastard's thinking of Obito with that look on his face, he'll rig something to make Naruto's eraser trap look like a maidenly peck on the cheek.)

"As for hobbies…I have those," Kakashi finishes brightly. "Okay! Now it's your turn! Let's start on the right."

"So basically all he told us was his name?" Sakura asks, not looking reassured in the slightest. Sasuke allows himself to share a commiserating glance with her.

Naruto rolls his eyes at their jounin instructor, but agreeably offers, "My name's Uzumaki Naruto. I like ramen, my best friend Sasuke, and training! I dislike the three minutes it takes for ramen to cook, and people who betray Konoha. Hobbies…pranking, I guess, and training with Sasuke. My dream is to surpass the Yondaime and become the youngest and best Hokage Konoha has ever had!"

He's grinning by the time he finishes, and Sasuke is smiling at him too, even if it's faint. When they met, Naruto was obsessed with making people acknowledge him, a loudmouth simply for the attention it would bring him, good or bad. But Obito is a good influence on both him and Sasuke, a mother figure and a big brother and a best friend rolled into one very, very kind and cheerful man, and they've both started to become strong shinobi with him helping.

There's a faintly odd expression on Kakashi's face as he looks at the blond, but Sasuke doesn't give him time to say what he's thinking, if he even will. Instead, he jumps in with, "My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I like my cousin Obito, my best friend Naruto, tomatoes, and training. I dislike people who hit on my cousin, perverts, fangirls, and traitors. My hobbies are training and hunting perverts. My dream…" He looks over at Naruto, meets that bright blue gaze, and smiles. "I want to become a strong shinobi and help my team become the very best, and then serve my Hokage as his right hand."

Naruto beams back, one hand scuffing bashfully through his blond hair, and ducks his head. The tips of his ears are flushed. Sasuke is too busy watching him to pay attention to Sakura's introduction—though, judging by the fairly creepy gaze he can feel fixed on him, he can guess what it's about—because there's something that's…out of reach. It feels like climbing down a ladder in the dark, only to find the next rung missing even when you know it should be there. Just out of reach, and maddening for it.

Naruto meets his eyes and grins, and Sasuke wonders if he feels it, too.