The Hurt of Remembering

Levi could see Isabel in so many people he associated with every day. Whether it was a fresh-eyed recruit without spilt blood or Auro and even that brat Yeager, he could see Isabel's smiling face. She had been a somewhat of an obnoxious companion, saying every thought in her head to the outside world without considering the consequences. The young red-head had been the most ecstatic about joining the Survey Corps, saying that she wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. "…As long as you're by my side, niichan." The memory of her saying those words made Levi inwardly cringe. She had died too young. Isabel had been eaten by a Titan on their first expedition without having the time to even scream. Although she would have feverishly denied it if she was alive, unmistakable terror filled her dying eyes as the Titan had crushed its teeth against her flesh. Levi had killed the Titan, but had failed to rescue Isabel.

The memory of Farlan lingered every time he looked into Erwin's eyes or when he glanced into Yeager's determined face. Farlan had been determined, all right. He had been determined to survive the shithole that he had grown up in. He had been determined to find a better life in the Survey Corps. Levi still remembered too of how Farlan had been the closet to reach his heart. The taller man seemed to know what Levi was feeling – or close enough to it that whenever they had a conversation that Levi couldn't rebuke his statement. ("The man you just robbed reminded you of yourself, didn't it? A desperate and sad little worm.") He had been loyal to his childhood companion, and Farlan had been loyal to him. And yet he had died so easily as Levi had watched, giving him one last request before he disappeared in a Titan's gaping mouth. "Promise me you won't abandon the Survey Corps! You'll regret going back to that shithole we endured for so long…and I don't want you to have any regrets!" Levi had only been able to salvage a hand, and Levi cursed himself for his failure to protect his comrades.

He had closed his heart off since that horrid day five years ago, but his team had wormed their way into his heart. Levi especially remembered of how Petra had been able to make him feel good inside after being empty and cold for so long. And then they had died. With no warning or goodbyes. He had been too late. Again. And this time he hadn't been able to see their final moments.

Now as he stood after another set of deaths of the people closest to his heart, Levi knew that their ghosts would follow him, just as Isabel's and Farlan's had done for five shitty years. His fingernails dug into his palms, feeling the transparent blood on his fingers, hands, and everywhere there was skin. No matter how much he cleaned, it wouldn't come off.

The blood would never come off.