Author's Note: Hello readers! This is my first SNK fanfic and I'm here to warn you that this fanfic is extremely angsty, tragic, violent, and psychological. Read at your own risk. Changed to rated T but I recommend mature audience if you're not great with bloody stuff. Please review, favorite, follow, etc! Thank you and enjoy the emotional rollercoaster! (:

On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?

That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so.

Chapter One: Initiation

(WARNING: Strong language, nudity, and slight sexual themes. Also contains manga spoilers.)

"You, boy! What's your name?"

Instructor Keith Shadis, arms folded behind his back, glowered relentlessly down at the boy before him.

"M-me? I'm E-Edwin Ross, sir!"

"Stand up straight! Didn't your parents teach you how to stand properly?" Shadis bellowed, his sonorous voice blasting across the wide, dirt field. "Put your fucking legs together, straighten up your back, and hold up your head, you piece of shit!"

The meek boy gulped down the lump lodged deep within his throat.

"Y-yes, sir!"

Beads of sweat now rolled down his forehead, his eyes wide and teeth chattering as he rushed to amend his posture. He stiffly raised his head, all the while shuddering as if someone had seized his shoulder by force and had shaken him with all their might. I tilted my head to the side, keenly watching him from where I stood, unaffected by the fear that seemed to spread like wildfire through the other recruits.

"Where are you from, you pussy?! Huh? Tell me, horse shit!" the man boomed, teeth gnarled and his eyebrows narrowed to the point in which deep wrinkles permanently creased his forehead, leaving three distinct lines even as he relaxed his muscles. Young Edwin Ross yelped like an abused puppy, fear encompassing his rounded features as he struggled to retain his composure.

He would do no good.

Eventually, my interest in watching Instructor Keith Shadis reducing the weaklings to a mound of dust became close to nothing and I found my eyes drifting along the faces in the crowds for... anything, really. Some, I could tell, went through the same things that I had. The trauma was reflected in their eyes, whether or not they showed it in their facial expressions. Most shared that same helplessness as Edwin, the one that had prompted them to come here because they wanted to live in the innermost wall, safe from the clutches of the beasts that drove them there.

Hopeless causes. That's what I labeled them.

The harsh sun beat relentlessly down upon us - those who had their backs facing the sun were fortunate enough to have the prospect of only receiving minor sunburns along the back of their necks, whereas the other half of us would have to deal with the painful aftermath of the grueling heat tonight when we got into the baths. However, though the heat was difficult to tolerate, I didn't allow the it to push me down into submission, holding my chin up high and allowing my focus to resettle straight ahead of me as it had before.

The instructor, with his deep, sandy complexion and glinting, bald head, had finally reached my row and began to shout into the faces of those lined up before me. The dark, brown circles begirding his eyes bore right into the souls of the weak, serving as another means of intimidating them as if his berating wasn't enough already. He gradually advanced his way through the line before reaching the girl at my side. She was a petite one of around 146 centimeters with black hair that covered her deathly pale, terror-stricken face. She was as white as a sheet, her limbs quivering in the most inhuman way possible. It was as if I could crush her with just a single touch.

"Name!" the instructor snarled, showing no hint of mercy as he stared down the pitiful girl.

The girl flinched, unable to meet his cold gaze. "I'm... I-I'm..."

"Are you a fucking mute? I asked you for your name!" Shadis roared. "Or are you ignoring me?"

I hardly bat an eye as the poor girl was subjugated by the Instructor right next to me - he screamed at her, disparaging her until she gave him the answers he was looking for. She was left horrified as Shadis coolly sauntered away from her. She wouldn't last a single second on the battlefield.

Instead of interrogating me like he had the rest of them, he took a single good look at me and instantaneously knew what I'd gone through back in Shiganshina. He moved on to the shout at boy at my right, a few years older than most of us there but with the will and spirit of a child. He wouldn't do, not with that kind of childish mentality.

A few hours later and I was in the shower, washing off the dirt from the day with a bunch of other girls from the camp. Naked, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that I hadn't been burned at all by the sun, even though I'd stood there facing the grilling heat for hours. I touched a hand to my face, pushing my dark brown hair from my eyes and staring right into my reflection. A scar was slashed across the middle of my back, about the length of my forearm, with several smaller, barely visible ones scattered around, some on my legs, some on my arms. It was strikingly clear the ordeal I went through That Day.

A few girls whispered and stared as they wrapped themselves in towels, leaving the showers and allowing waiting girls to come in. I rinsed off my hair, allowing the warm water to run over the gradually-disappearing scars, healing them with its comfort before grabbing a towel off the rack and heading out.

The dining hall was jam-packed with the small amount of trainees who didn't drop out, which was naturally only a small fraction of the original crowd. I grabbed a plate and some food before searching for a place to sit. Girls hushed as I passed by and boys stopped what they were doing to stare at me as I sat by myself in the back at a table nobody had yet claimed. Reclusive and in an unfamiliar setting with a bunch of faces I didn't know, I preferred to sit alone and make my own observations.

However, before I could even begin to assess those around me, someone put their plate directly across from mine and sat down with a dull thud. Lifting my head, I watched the boy through curious eyes, slightly surprised someone had dared to trespass into the territory I had just claimed for my own. The boy was about my age, with bright, striking eyes and short, brown hair. For a moment, I had felt as if I had known him from somewhere before. My shock had been quickly replaced with hostility when he looked at me, hoping he would be intimidated and run off to sit somewhere else. To my disbelief, he did not budge even in the slightest under my unrelenting stare and met my gaze with solid blue irises. The instant our eyes met, I knew he was different from the others here - something in his eyes set him apart from everyone else. There was an immediate mutual understanding between us; he had seen what I had.

"I'm Lilianna Kriger," I introduced myself, examining his features with piqued interest.

The boy answered me calmly,"I'm Eren. Eren Jaeger. Where are you from?"

"Shiganshina," I replied nonchalantly. "I was one of the firsts to encounter the Titans."

"Really? I'm from there, too," he said, hesitating for a moment. "I've never seen you before."

"Neither have I seen you. Jaeger, huh..." I found myself smiling lightly to myself. His friends entered the scene, one a boy with bright blond hair and the other a girl with long, jet black locks with a composure that envied my own. Eren nodded his head at me, silently bidding me goodbye as he moved to follow after them.

I was left to enjoy my solitude, watching from afar as Eren was bombarded with flocks of trainees, eager to hear of his tales from hell. I drank my tea, listening silently to what he had to say. Apparently, he, too, had borne the experience of of being an eyewitness to the horrors the Titans had wrought out upon us that one fateful day. The boy was bombarded by questions of all kinds and from all directions, the crowd perpetually unsatisfied with Eren's vague responses. I was grateful I hadn't let it slip where I was from to anyone else, or I was certain that they would do the same to me.

"Like I said, I saw them," Eren said.

"What?!"

"Really?"

"What about the Colossal Titan?"

"Yeah! How big is it?"

"Big enough for its head to peek over the wall," Eren answered. Reminiscing of the ordeal, with images of blood and tearing flesh flashing through my mind, the blood-curdling screams from That Day resonating through my ears, I clutched my stomach and fought the urge to gag.

At the start, Eren took on the questions with ease, feeding the curious crowd with his short-cut, simple answers, until one of them asked him what the normal Titans looked like. He suddenly tensed up, dropping his spoon into the mushy gunk of his soup before clamping his hand over his mouth, abruptly falling silent. As everybody gawked at him in anticipation, another kind-faced, freckled boy took notice of Eren and immediately took action.

"Let's stop with the questions, guys, I'm sure there are memories he doesn't want to bring back," he announced. A boy kneeling by the tableside, eyes round in an emotion akin to awe, hastily apologized.

"Sorry, about all the quest-"

"That's not it," Eren spoke. Grabbing his portion of bread, he bit off a chunk and munched on it to soothe the sickness swirling around in his gut. "Titans are really just a bunch of pussies. As long as we master the 3D Maneuver Gear, those things won't stand a chance! I've finally become a trainee. I... I just got too excited is all."

Everyone relaxed a little and awaited for the boy to continue with his train of thought. I picked up my empty plate and walked out of the room, standing outside the door and allowing myself to get some fresh air. I could still hear Eren talking, even outside. I leaned against the railing of the porch, allowing my long, dark strands to blow gently in the wind, carrying the sweet fragrance of strawberries along with it.

"I'm going to join the Survey Corps and exterminate every last Titan," Eren remarked, solidity and determination lathered into his firm voice. A symphony of gasps broke out into the others as they pressed him for even more details to satiate their never-ending curiosity. I held my hands out in front of me, the deep red markings in my palms visible in the yellow light. A single wing on one hand, and its complementary one in the other. Putting my hands together, the dim marks formed a pair of wings.

What I aimed for was further than Eren. His dream was feasible for someone of his kind, I would admit, but I doubted even he could strive for what I set myself out to accomplish. While I'd been daydreaming, a conflict had unfolded inside of the dining hall, and a boy with a cap of light-brown hair stood face-to-face with Eren, taunting him. I stayed there no longer, having no interest in petty scuffles, slipping away from the dining hall like a ghost into the night.

Maneuver Gear training started the next day. It took me a while to get it, but eventually, I could stay still, mid-air, without falling face-down into the rough dirt below me. Amazed at my dexterity, the people waiting in line after me watched as I received praise from the callous Shadis, who offered laudatory commentary as I walked back into the crowd. A few grounded girls and boys crowded about me, asking me how I'd mastered the Maneuver Gear in a manner of minutes.

"It's all in here," I'd said, and tapped on my skull. They took my advice to heart and tried it a few more times before eventually getting the hang of it.

I didn't talk very much to the others; they all had formed their own little groups already, and besides, I didn't exactly want to get close to anybody. Eren, however, sparked my interest - his mindset was truly admirable, albeit having his crazed moments once in a while. I found myself understanding him, especially his anger and his desire to become someone who would changed the fate of humanity. Surprisingly enough, in spite of his raw determination, he flopped every time he descended upon the Maneuvering Device, planting his face firmly into the floor and earning himself a bandage around the head and ridicule from his peers. The poor boy just could not balance on it, no matter how hard he tried.

I hadn't spoken to him since Day One, but we maintained a casual relationship, nodding at each other ever-so-often and saving one another seats in the dining hall. He wasn't a friend, but he was the only one I ever took interest in introducing myself to. Everyone else had introduced themselves to me somewhere along the way, or I'd somehow learned their names from others.

I had finished washing myself up late one night when I realized that there were no towels left in the girl's showers. So I was standing there, naked, and freezing to death. Nobody was around, being all huddled up in the cabins, most likely crowding around the kerosene lamps, leaving me to figure out a solution on my own. I had two options - either I could wait for someone to show up and brave the cold temperatures, or run across to the boy's showers a few buildings down and take the route out back to avoid being seen. If I'd gotten caught, it could mean the end of me. I was renowned for being Shadis' favorite pupil, but even he wouldn't tolerate my streaking across the training camp in my bare skin. Sighing in defeat, I sat there for a minute or two, shivering in the cold, before ultimately deciding I'd risk it and get a towel from the boy's showers.

Gathering myself, I poked my head out of the washing room and saw that nobody was out, just as I'd expected. By this time, everyone was in bed or hanging in the cabins talking to one another, including the boys. I stuck one foot out, putting on my slippers before dashing out, the icy wind slapping my face and biting into my skin as I rushed through the back of the buildings, ducking under windows and undertaking surreptitious methods to get to my destination as quickly as I possibly could. I had reached the boy's showers and saw that none of the lights were on inside. The laughs and chattering of the boys was distant and I could see the faint glow of lights coming from the cabin windows.

Exhaling in relief, I entered the small building and snatched a towel off of the rack, beginning to dry myself off with it. Thankfully, it had been thoroughly cleaned, so the sweaty smell of the male gender had been long washed away. I patted down my body and leaned over, allowing my hair to cascade down until it almost hit the wooden floor planks. I dried it off with the towel, a relaxed breath escaping my parted lips.

It felt good - to finally get clean after a long day of training. Today, Shadis had sent us out to the field for combat practice and following that, he had everyone run laps around the whole camp until we were worn out. We were also introduced into something else that I found challenging - hand-to-hand combat. I had never previously had any formal hand-to-hand combat training, so it was interesting getting formally instructed. I still had a ways to go, but I knew that with more effort, I might even surpass Annie Leonhardt, the star fighter of our class.

As I mulled about the happenings of the day, I heard what sounded like a door click open just down the hall. The light switched on before I had the time to react, leaving me in my bare nakedness to be seen, and to none other than... Jean Kirschtein, the one I had labeled in my books as the hardass who wanted nothing other than to live within the walls of Wall Sina. He had just come into the shower room, carrying fresh clothes under his arm when he had stumbled upon me, drying my hair in the middle of the boy's shower.

Speechless, he dropped everything he was holding onto the floor, his jaw hanging slack. Jean's olive eyes scanned the entirety of my body, not missing a single inch.

"What? Never seen a woman's body before?" I called to the mesmerized boy, almost laughing at his reaction. I cloaked myself with the towel calmly, hardly as embarrassed as he was.

"Y-you... What are you...?" he stammered, his face red as a beet. He almost fell from the doorway in his abashed state of mind.

"There weren't any towels in the girl's shower and I was freezing, so I came here to get one. I didn't expect someone would come in," I spoke, walking over to the nervous wreck and picking his new clothes off of the ground. "Is it okay if I borrow these? I forgot mine back in the girl's shower."

"Y-you can wear them... Just hurry up and put some clothes on before someone else sees," he said, tearing his eyes away. "I-I-I promise I won't look."

"Then cover your eyes," I almost teased. "Unless you want to see something, pervert."

"I'll cover 'em! Geez," he mumbled, then covered his eyes with his hand. "Just hurry it up, already, will you?"

For a fact, I knew he was peeking through his fingers as I took the towel off, slipping his clothes onto my body. I didn't care though - it was amusing, really, to see how flustered up he got. He must have never seen a woman's body before, judging from the manner in which he had reacted. I almost laughed as I pulled the shirt on, buttoning it from the bottom up. I then turned to face him, seeing that he was indeed peeking through the gaps between his fingers. Realizing he had been caught, Jean clamped another hand over, assuring me he wasn't sneaking any glances.

So obvious.

"I'm done, you can open your eyes now," I smiled, buttoning the last one as I said so. "Thanks, I owe you one."

"No problem," he replied, chuckling awkwardly. "Just give them back to me whenever! Yeah!"

"Alright, if you say so," I said, then moved to the door. He pressed himself against the wall to allow me to pass through, and out into the cold night I went. "You might wanna get a fresh change of clothes, then, Jean. You don't wanna freeze, do you?"

"R-right."

Jean scrambled off back to his cabin, leaving me by myself to trek to my own. A hint of a smirk gracing my lips, I ran a hand through my damp hair and walked off into the darkness.

Months and months passed, and before I knew it, the 104th Training Squad was heading towards graduation. I was now sixteen years old, and with my ambitions stronger than ever, proceeded with giving my full efforts in preparation for the upcoming assessments. Every night, I'd train by myself under the light of the moon, sometimes deep in the forest where I could fully concentrate and devote myself to the cause; however, during testing periods, I would always purposely try to rank lower than the other top students of my class as to not draw attention to myself.

I still preferred to stick to solitude, but nowadays I conversed on a more frequent basis than before - Connie Springer and Marco Bodt became my acquaintances of choice. Connie was nothing short of an idiot; he was apt enough and a good team player, however, he lacked the intelligence that was crucial for strategic fights and complexities. Marco, on the other hand, was diligent, hard-working, but too soft. He was a philanthropist, being kind and considerate of others more than he was of himself. What attracted me particularly to these unlikely two was the sense that I could trust them since they were so honest with themselves. The others I were more wary about - they tended to be more restrained, more tight-lipped, while Marco and Connie were simple and earnest.

Of course, spending more time with Marco meant another thing - seeing more of Jean Kirschtein, the shallow weakling who I'd somehow managed to bewitch. I practically had him under my jurisdiction. He was vulnerable to my flirtatious antics, being a younger boy with no sense of what women were like or what love was. I had my finger wrapped around him and I constantly exercised my authority over him often, just to make sure I still had a firm grasp over him.

Was it cruel? Perhaps it was.

But the question really was... if he knew it was cruel, why did he enjoy it so much? Sweet torture, that's what I called it. I didn't love him. The possibility of that was not zero, but at this point in my lifetime, love was simply a game, and I the master of it. Jean was the star player, the one who I could manipulate and control at will. He was an easy target, someone who willingly came to me even if he knew I was simply toying with his feelings. Deep inside, I knew it was wrong, but still, that didn't stop me from continuing with my methods.

A few weeks prior to graduation, I invited Jean, Marco, and Connie out to the lake in the forest. As soon as everyone had fallen asleep and old Shadis was snoring away in his lodge, we crept out of our bunks and met one another at the lakeside, twenty minutes away on foot. I was the last one there and removed my hood as I entered the scene. It was a full moon tonight, the luminescent, wondrous reflection bouncing off the surface of the clear water of the lake. We were shrouded in a mystic white light as I seated myself upon a boulder that Jean had set out for me.

"So, why'd you call us out here all of a sudden?" Connie asked, scratching his head in confusion. "Took you long enough to get here, too."

"Sorry," I smiled. "I just wanted to spend some time with you guys before we graduate, because then, we're all going different ways, aren't we?"

"Yeah. Jean and I are heading to the Military Police, right?" Marco sang, swinging his arm around his friend's shoulders.

"Yeah," Jean agreed. "Connie, what about you?"

The small boy puzzled over it for a minute before answering, "I don't know. Maybe the Garrison, or the Military Police if I rank... Just as long as I don't have to see those... those..."

"Titans," I finished, and cast my gaze far out across the lake. As I had expected, none of them was willing to enlist into the Survey Corps, whose job it was to fight the Titans. "Well, maybe you guys might all end up together, but as for me..."

"Where are you headed to, anyway?" Jean inquired. "Come to think of it, you've never told us where you plan on going."

I laughed.

"That's because I'm aiming for the Recon Corps."

All at once, they jumped back and stared at me with shock-filled eyes and dropped jaws.

"The Recon Corps!?"

"Are you crazy, Lilianna?! You'll get killed!" Jean cried out, aghast.

"H-he's right! I-I heard that sixty percent of the people that join die." Connie shuddered with the weight of his words, then grabbed onto my shoulders. "Don't join it. Get into the top ten, then join the Military Police with us. I know you're good enough to rank. That way, too, we can't be separated."

"Sorry." I removed his hands from my shoulders but held them in my own. "There's something I have to do. I'm just like Eren - did you forget I was from Shiganshina too?"

"I thought you were from Trost," Jean piped up, causing me to look back at him. "Didn't you say that?"

"No, I never did. I'm from Shiganshina and I was one of the first to encounter the Titans." The eerie, bone-chilling feelings evoked through my words struck a wave of terror throughout the three boys. They had never seen a single Titan before in their life. They didn't understand how it felt to have everything taken away from you in a single instant - as soon as the wall had fallen, everything I had was forcefully wrenched away from me and in the worst ways possible.

After long moments of silence had elapsed, Marco decided to break the ice.

"So, you're really joining the Survey Corps, huh? I can tell nothing is gonna change your mind." He smiled lightly and patted my shoulder. "I believe in you."

"M-Marco! You're not really going to let her join, are you?!" Jean exclaimed frantically. "...Connie, say something!"

Connie nodded his head, tightening his hold on my hands. "Please, listen to what we're telling you. Don't join, we can all just stick together and-"

"No, Connie," I firmly stated, standing up and walking to the lakeside. They followed after me, and the four of us stared into our still reflections, then out to the center of the lake where the mirror image of the moon sat, beautiful and proud. My sigh came out in the form of a puff of vapor before dissipating into the night air. For a while, there was no sound but that of nature and the sweet chirping of the crickets in the bushes.

"We really can't change your mind, huh?" Jean asked from beside me. Without looking up, I nodded my head and showed them the faded markings I had branded in my palms a few years ago.

"You see these? It's a reminder to myself not to stray away from my goals," I told them, allowing them to look at them for the first time in the two years I'd known them. "No matter what, I'm bound to the promise that I made to nt family. Cheesy as it sounds, I'm not letting what I've been doing here at this camp go to waste. I just can't disappoint them like that."

"The wings..." Connie murmured, then crossed his arms over his chest. "You're stubborn, you know that? You don't tell us this until now, when graduation is coming up! N-now it's going to be hard to say goodbye..."

His shoulders fell and I drew him close, hugging him gently. "Sorry."

"You won't change your mind, even of you're separated from us," Marco mused, "you're even more determined than you seem, Lilianna."

The four of us spent a little while longer hanging out by the lake before heading back together. We couldn't all return at once, and waited at the end of the forest, allowing one person at a time to go back to their cabins. First was Marco, then Connie, leaving Jean and I alone together in the brush.

"Good night, Jean," I said and started walking away. But before I could go, he stopped me, pushing me back against a tree. For a moment, I had been dazed, but I soon regained my usual cynical composure and gazed up at him through my lashes. "What is it, Jean?"

"You know what I'm going to say, don't you?" he almost whispered, one of his hands pinning me to the tree while the other rested beside my head. "I can tell you know what I'm going to say."

I touched my hand to his cheek. "No, Jean, I don't, I can't read minds. If you're going to play games with me, save it for tomorrow, okay? I'm getting kind of tired, you know? It's got to be past midnight by now."

"I don't care how late it is!" Jean replied, surprising even me with his boldness. The moon shed some light into his eyes, giving me a glimpse of what emotions he wanted to convey. "You know how I feel about you joining the Survey Corps."

His tone softened, and his anger quickly morphed into despair. "Please, come with Connie and Marco and I to the Military Police. I know you can rank in the top ten. That's all you have to do, then... Then, we won't have to split apart. We'll all be together," he pleaded. "We don't want you to die."

"Are you sure you're asking on behalf of Marco and Connie too? They've already accepted what I told them, so why can't you?" I demanded. "Unless... you're saying you can't bear to part with me."

His eyes widened when he realized I had him all figured out. If he really thought he could hide whatever it was he was feeling, he was wrong. I could read him as easily as I could a book. It was clear, clear as it could ever be what kind of things were running through his head as I laid everything he was thinking out on the table for him to see.

"...You're right. I can't," he finalized, then tightened his grip on my shoulder.

"Can't what?"

"I can't live being apart from you, Lilianna," he confessed. "Please, for me... just don't go."

"You're selfish, you know that?" I asked, a hint of a grin tugging at my lips. "I'm still not changing my mind, so anything you say is useless."

"Th-then... Tell me at least this; how do you feel about me? Tell me, dammit! Don't just smile at me and walk away!" he growled, as I pried myself free from his grip and sauntered off back to my cabin. I held a hand up as my goodbye and headed up the steps to the door. Before I could get inside, I was taken by surprise yet again when Jean came after me, slamming me against the front door of the lodge, the thud my body made loud enough to wake up everyone inside.

"Jean! Are you crazy?!" I hissed, glaring up at him. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Tell me, Lilianna! Tell me how you feel about me! It's been two fucking years already and I don't have an answer from you. I can't take it anymore. Why won't you say it, huh?!" he snapped, not giving a care in the world if he woke up the whole camp. "Just reject me right now! Do it!"

The sheer intensity of his gaze was matched with my own. I permitted his to overpower mine and softly took his hands, intertwining our fingers. I kissed him gently on the lips, then pulled away as I heard the sound of activity going on inside of the cabin. The ferocity in his face had vanished and he'd relinquished himself to me once more.

"Good night, Jean," I said, then went inside, leaving him to contemplate on the threshold. As I entered the room, I was greeted with the murmurs of girls who had heard the whole thing, of Jean's desperate attempts to try and squeeze a confession out of me.

I didn't love him.

A smile of content played upon my lips as I climbed into bed and pulled the covers over my head. It was time for some sleep.