Notes: there are so many of these stories out there… here's to adding one more to the list. Daisuke is bitter about life- and with the things I'm about to put him through, I can't say I blame him.

Warning(s): yeah, this will probably have some shounen ai and/or yaoi and a lot of cussing on Daisuke's part

Disclaimer: don't own it, never have, never will

Flash

God damn this life is hell. Can't someone cut a guy a little slack every once in a while? Yeah, I know the 'saving the world' bit is a little tired but it's true. But everything is just so upside down right now, I just need some time away from all of this to let my mind settle. And no one seems willing to understand or accept that fact. Try as I might, I just can't get through to some people.

It feels like everything is free floating- caught in zero gravity, maybe. And I'm waiting for it all to come crashing back down. Perhaps I spent so much time playing hero that I forgot my purpose. I mean, somewhere in my mind I knew that being something so precious as a Chosen couldn't last forever, not in a physical sense. Spiritually, I will always be a Digidestined. Nothing can take that capacity away from me. But it's just… I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Here I am, home once again, back in the place where I should feel safe, but where I really feel anything but. Who am I kidding though? This all started a long time ago…

I thought I had people I could depend on, that would be there for me whenever I needed them. I guess I was a fool. Don't think I didn't hear what they said about me. Every last fucking word- I heard it all. And I'm not so stupid that I just decided to pretend I didn't notice. Something like that is impossible to miss. Believe it or not, I'm not stupid. For some reason people seem to write me off as a childish oaf who can't understand anything. Why? How the hell should I know? Oh yeah, I heard everything they said. But it isn't like I'm so desperate for friends that I ignored it and played happy just to save face. Despite whatever they might think, I'm not so pathetic that I have to rely on the opinions of others to validate my own self-worth. Yeah, big words from the dumb guy, huh? But, that's just it. I know what they think, I know how they feel, I've heard what they said, and I just don't fucking care. I've got emotions- don't think I didn't get angry the first time I heard Miyako laughing at me. Shit, I nearly beat her half to death. It took a lot of strength on Chibimon's part to keep me from storming in and ripping that oh so fucking pure little bitch's face right the hell off. Then I thought about it and something clicked inside my mind.

The universe works on it's own system based upon scientific principles, most of which are too grand for the human mind to comprehend. However, though the organisms that exist on this planet all effect one another in some way, humans always strive for a perfect, harmonious reaction. They strive for a situation that will please everyone but at the same time, most importantly, please themselves. Well guess what, it doesn't exist. Though it's entirely plausible for a person to balance on the fine line between selfish and selfless, it's damn near impossible to be both in everything that will come up in life. And yeah, it is hard work. But it's called work for a reason- it sure as hell isn't called fun, now is it? No.

Perhaps there's just too much stuff whirling around in my brain for things to come out right. But the thing is, for some completely mind boggling reason, I can't find it in myself to really care what the other Digidestined think of me. I'm not alive for their amusement or personal satisfaction. The purpose of life is not to make the Chosen Ones happy. Sorry kids, but I haven't got time for that. Sure I'm bitter and all but that doesn't mean I hate my life. In fact, it's quite the opposite. After everything I've seen and done I can still smile and be content with myself. For a short time I was a hero who helped others save two worlds from darkness and pain, but even I know that just because I helped protect the world, the world doesn't owe me anything. There isn't a whole lot I would ask for anyway.

I just want those I care about to be happy. Sounds simple enough doesn't it? Here's hoping. Maybe that's why I got the Digimental of Friendship. Yamato wasn't very helpful when I tried asking him about it, but then again, he's always a bit of a crankass. Seriously though, the people I care about deserve to be happy. People who have been through hardship, pain, loss, torment, self-deprecation, fear, revelation, change… Why can't they see that? The world may not owe them every joy that exists, yet that doesn't mean they shouldn't be happy. Instead they play games against one another like it's some sort of cosmic joke. Unreal. Every moment they have together is a gift that they choose to ignore. But, it's not my place to judge.

Truthfully, yeah I wish they hadn't said some of the shit they said. Sometimes it hurts. Knowing that the people I care about couldn't give a damn about me- even members of my own family. Sure, I said that it's best for someone to be selfless and try to make the best of the time they're given. But I never said I was perfect. Few humans rate a tag such as perfection. And yeah, I can think of a few, one in particular, but I'm not going there right now. He hurt me too. Just like everyone else. When I was so sure he was different…

The streetlights illuminated the soft silk of his hair, making him shine. If only that one moment of pure silence could last forever and we could be in each other's arms. There are too many "if only"'s in life.

Those gentle eyes looked at me once I stepped back from our hug. I'm sure he was probably wondering why I would be so enthusiastic about this sort of thing. Of course, my words never betrayed the pain that I felt. Giving him a congratulatory hug on his official relationship with Miyako. He never saw how sad I was about the whole thing. I held him then because I could, because I knew it would be the last chance I would ever have. His new girlfriend had certainly seen to that.

"What was that for, Dai?" His voice floated through me, tugging at places a voice would never normally reach.

"The hug? Well, you're happy aren't you? I mean, I know you've been wanting to get together with Miyako for a while now. I just wanted to congratulate you is all," I shrugged. There was a gentle touch at my shoulder preventing my escape from the conversation.

"Thank you," he replied quietly. "You don't know how much your support means to me. Of anyone, I thought you would be the most opposed to my relationship with Miya-chan." There was a distinct sparkle in his eyes when he said her name. Enough of a sparkle to bring tears to my own eyes.

"Ken, your happiness is what's important. She and I have had our differences, but that's no reason for me to act like a child and say you shouldn't date her. I just hope she can put aside her dislike of me, or at least learn to…" When I turned my face away, I realized that he never even knew I was crying. "You know we'll always be friends, Ken," my voice was shaking, but that was just another thing he didn't notice.

"You're right, Dai. I should've remembered that you are the Successor of Friendship. Only you would be able to do this for someone else." The silken darkness of his hair swayed as he shook his head, smiling. "It's one of the reasons why I care about you so much."

If he hadn't said that I would have been fine. Everything would have been okay. I could have gone on my merry way, but no, he had to go and be a perfectly romantic guy. And FUCK that wasn't fair! As I coughed to conceal my emotions from him, I could hear him laugh. Right then, I had the most awful thought I think I've ever had. I'm not the only one that makes Ken laugh like that. I'm not the only one he smiles for. With all that I've done for him, I'm not the only one he thinks of. No one thinks of me. Not Ken, not my family, not my friends. Something broke that day, some invisible piece of my soul that I thought was going to be there forever.

We shared a few more sentiments and departed, each off for our own reasons. Walking away from him, I let the tears fall. It sucks being Daisuke Motomiya…

After that, everything changed. Nothing could touch me anymore. I stopped caring about everything- not just about the opinions of others. So I had a few problems, who fucking cared? It occurred to me later that I was being a selfish jerk thinking all that stuff while Ken was being so open and honest with me. But what can I say? Oh fucking well.

I think that's why I left though. Everyone just kept pushing me down or pushing me away. All the patience I had learned to build went right out the window. None of them really treated me like something remotely human. We would have these parties and I would sit by myself and watch as the others laughed it up, shared their secrets. Before Ken and Miyako got together, he would sit with me, we would laugh together. But then, Miyako came and broke that up. I would sit alone and watch the two of them shine. They lit up the lives of everyone they knew every time they walked into a room. As they smiled, the air around them would shatter in awe. Or maybe that was just me. Probably.

Any group gathering of Digidestined always lead to an inevitable anxiety attack on my part. I would sit at the edge of a picnic table or a blanket watching as they talked like I was never there. Then I would feel it- the first subtle throb in my chest, followed by a quake across my vision. They never saw what happened after that because I always excused myself. Polite, even though I hurt so much and wanted to ask them when they had stopped caring. I guess I was afraid. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware of all that Digimental bullshit. Allow me to be honest though. Just because I have the egg of Courage doesn't mean I'm overloaded with self-confidence. There is a difference between the two. It's hard though, when people you thought you could trust just start to ignore you. People who I was willing to share so much of myself with- threw it all back in my face like I was just so much trash. You know what I say to them? Fuck that.

So, I took off after graduation. Didn't leave notes for my parents, nothing for Jun, but I called her later. And, of course, I left nothing behind for them. I took Chibi and my D-terminal, but not my digivice. They would be able to find me too easily. Shit, they could email me until the world ended, it made no difference to me. Naturally, they did email me. A lot. I finally had to turn the thing off so I could sleep at night. I didn't feel guilty, just irritated. They ignored me when I was around, but the second I left they wouldn't leave me alone. Maybe all I wanted was some peace and quiet, they didn't know. It was rough for a while, but I managed.

At first, I was sleeping on the streets- not as scary as you might think. I had Chibimon to protect me. Without a source of income or anything I tried running for a little while. And I don't mean physically running. Despite their stern demeanor and overall scary background, the yakuza pays pretty well. Pushing only gets you so far though. Prison didn't seem too appealing either. When I got sick of it, they did let me go. I owe a few favors, that when they're finally called in I might have to give up my identity for, but they let me out. Since I never stole anything from any of the overlords they were pretty nice to me. Besides, I know they can find me and kill me if they want to at any time. Sometimes it's comforting. A way out when I need one.

Once I gave up running though, life changed again. Thankfully enough I had managed to stay away from using all the shit I kept selling. Despite that fact, there were still certain individuals who knew me, knew my face. A few of them had requested my company for other activities. When I heard about that I skipped town. Shit- not just the town, I skipped the country. Getting Chibi through customs wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be either. Hong Kong was nice for a while, but it was still too close. India was a good place to hide, but there were Digidestined there who stood out in a crowd, and they knew who I was. After bouncing a couple more times I landed in America. The good old U.S. of A. Opting to avoid the cities where I knew kids from my previous adventures, I hit Boston with a vengeance. It's a pretty town. There was a lot of fun to be had there, but like all times of partying it had to come to an end. Especially when, a couple years down the line, I realized that I was stuck in a serious rut. I mean a hardcore, not going anywhere anytime soon R-U-T.

So, I packed it all up again and collected some money a few people owed me and departed. Decisions, decisions- sometimes they come back to bite you in the ass no matter how hard you work at keeping them away. Chibi missed the Digital World and, as painful as it was to admit, I missed Tokyo. Shit, I missed Japan on a whole. The lights and sounds on the streets of Odaiba, the pacific aura around Kyoto… not to mention the beaches. It had been seven years since I left. Seven long years. In the grand scheme of things it's hardly any time at all. But after all the hellacious things I had put my body through it felt like the better part of a decade that went by without rest. Which is all sorts of ironic since rest was what I left the country for, what I sought out. A few more months passed while I tired to get the balls to go back. Things would be different- they had to be. Jun had kept me fairly well informed of the goings on of my old "friends" until I had hit Boston, and then I stopped calling her. Collecting the few wits I had left I gave her a call and was surprised when she was actually glad to hear from me…

"Moshi moshi, Motomiya Jun speaking," her voice still rang the like golden peal of a bell.

"Hey Jun," I was soft, hesitant. "How's things on the Pacific side?"

Silence for a few moments, then.. "DAI?!! Is it really you? Where are you? Is everything okay? Two years, Dai! Two whole fucking years! Where in the hell have you been?!"

Smiling on the other end of the line at her antics, I listened while she ranted for a couple minutes. "I've been in the States actually. Hit Hong Kong for a while too before, but I think I talked to you before then so you knew where I was. Listen, Jun, I'm thinking of coming home. I was just wondering what the situation is like in the homeland- whether I'm a welcome face or not."

This time the silence stretched on much longer. A yawning pit of anxiety began to open in my belly. Something just wasn't kosher about all of this. "Jun? You still there?"

Finally, a voice, "Hai, Daisuke. I'm still here. As for coming back, that's a risk you'll have to take. I honestly couldn't tell you what everyone's up to or how welcome you'll be. You're obviously more than welcome to stay with me. There's a couple new faces you need to meet and greet. The others though… I don't know. I kind of started avoiding them after a while, Dai."

The others. The Destined. "And why is that?"

I think there were pins dropping on the other end of the conversation. I could hear them clearly. "It was hard, Daisuke. Just come home and you'll see what I mean."

Implications of all kinds swam through my cerebral cortex. "Jun?" There was an edge in my voice. "What do you mean it was hard?" Swallowing past something I couldn't define I clenched and unclenched my hands. Because I didn't know what it was like for things to be difficult? Oh no, of course not. That wasn't why I left or anything. The air was dead in the earpiece of the phone. Silent. "Jun?"

"Just come home, Dai. Come home…"

Of course, I listened to her. Not to mention the fact that I missed her terribly. And I sincerely thought that after all that time I could handle it- seeing him again. I was prepared. Jun told me he was married, told me who he married. Perfect Miya-chan and Ken. I'm sure theirs was a life a marital bliss. Two screaming brats and a third on the way. Sounds like Miyako just turned into a baby making machine after they got married. Any excuse to stay home, I guess. All right, so I tried not to be bitter. Really, I tired. But after everything she said and did it hurt me a great deal. Whether she was soul-bound to him or not made little difference. She broke the bond I had with him. Friends- the best of friends no less- torn apart by jealousy and the simple inability to have a civil conversation. Am I really that hard to talk to? I like to think not.

So, once more I boarded a plane to cross intercontinental lines. Chibi in tow, I made my way back to the place I had run from for seven years. Time was catching up with me. Karma slapped me across the face. Habits were coming back. Old memories started to flicker through my brain. And one in particular stood out…

We were thirteen then, nearly fourteen. Maturity was starting to seep through the cracks much to our chagrin. Still, we would spend weekends together on those sleepovers. So funny that it's an innocent act until you reach a certain age. But then, he and I were never entirely innocent to begin with.

The moon hung like a silver ball over the skyline of Tokyo. Gazing out my window I heard a soft voice behind me. Ken. He was murmuring in his sleep. Turning to him I knelt by his side, smoothing the hair away from his sweat dampened forehead. Nightmares still plagued him after all these years. The death of his brother never quite cleared from his conscience.

"Ken," I whispered, "it's okay. It's just a dream."

Startled violet eyes snapped open and met my own. His breathing was heavy, nearly sobbing. And he looked so frightened. Eyebrows furrowed together in question he looked at me and I offered him a gentle smile.

"You were having another nightmare," I whispered. "It seemed like a bad one. You got pretty loud."

"Shit," he muttered. "I didn't wake you did I?" I just shook my head. "Good." He paused for a few moments regaining his grip on reality. As we sat there in the silver glow of the moon I knew he was watching me.

Wanting to break the silence I said the first thing that came to my mind. "Was it the one where you were in the street? Or the one where you were blowing bubbles? You know, maybe you were right. Maybe you should get help for them. I guess there is only so much I can do. I mean, we both know I want to help you in any way I can, Ken-"

"It wasn't a nightmare," he whispered. "It was something else." Cheeks turning red he looked away.

"Oh?" My eyes followed him from where I was crouched on the futon he always used. It took a minute, but I caught on. "Oh," I said quietly. "I see." Giving him a smirk I decided to be daring. "Anything you want to share? Probably about Miyako, huh? I've seen the way you watch her…"

"She's a lot like you, Dai," he murmured. "Like a female version of you, actually. Almost exactly like you." His voice all but dropped away. "Almost…"

Sometimes I wonder if I really am an idiot. Because I should have known it then- what he was trying to say. In fact, I did know it. But I just couldn't bring myself to deal with it. My best friend, the one I wanted, trying to tell me how he felt and I talked right over him. Because the way he said it… I knew then that he would never fully admit to things. That if anything ever happened it would be like some sort of dirty secret to him. So I let it go. Funny though, I forgot about that night after a while. He must've forgotten too. I would sometimes wonder if he ever thought about me in the later years. Thoughts of him, dreams, memories, they all but ate me alive.

When I got to the airport I was still wide awake- the fine buzzing from jet lag brewing in my skull. Terminal after terminal, I walked to get my things- only one bag. I saw Jun and we hugged each other so tightly. She told me to get my shit and she would be outside waiting with the car. Nodding I went to get my luggage and my world stopped. Dress pants and a button down shirt, hair combed meticulously neat, same angles to the cheekbones- every movement one of fluid grace and poise. When the head turned I saw those eyes that had haunted my dreams for seven years. Violet, they glimmered like ice in their perfection. Ken Ichijouji, we meet again.

*************

So, I'm crazy. I can barely get through "Shinwa" and then I start this up. Oops… remember this is only the prologue. More to come. It's reminiscent of the first fic I posted, but without the holiday theme. Ah the reunions, the laughter, the tears! The author-- on crack! Review if you want…