What Storms We May Weather

Summary: S4 spoilers. When a new housemaid shows an interest in Mr. Bates, Anna is forced to confront both her own jealousy and the divide which has grown between her and her husband.

Disclaimer: The story is mine but I make no claims on the characters who I used a little gently and put back where I found them.

A/N: Spoilers for season 4 as this story takes place about a year after Anna's attack with references to her recovery. This story sort of ignores the season 4 Christmas special.

The new housemaid arrived on a Tuesday with a reference from a large house in London, and by the following Monday, she'd managed to charm most of the staff and half the family.

"Brenda's a very hard worker," Mrs. Hughes noted to Mr. Carson when he asked how the young woman was getting on. "And everyone seems to like her."

The sole exception to her observation was Anna Bates. While Anna welcomed Brenda with the usual friendly openness she showed to all new hires, the junior housemaid did not warm to her. Rather, Brenda seemed to ignore the lady's maid every time the two of them encountered one another.

"I'm not sure why she doesn't like me," Anna told her husband, who scoffed at her assessment.

"She always seems nice to you when I'm around," Bates responded.

"When you're around, she doesn't have any attention to spare for anyone else," she said archly.

And it was true - Brenda did show a great deal of interest in Mr. Bates. She tried to sit by him at meals if she could do so, sometimes forcing Anna to find a seat away from her husband. On breaks from work, Brenda often found Mr. Bates to engage him in conversation, laughing at his comments and asking him question after question about his likes and interests.

Anna realized immediately that Brenda was sweet on her husband, but as she had no concern about his loyalty, she pushed away her jealousy. Why shouldn't Mr. Bates receive a little female attention? After all, she'd been close to Brenda's age when she first developed feelings for the man.

But as weeks went by and Brenda's flirting increased, Anna found it more and more difficult to ignore. And when she brought it up to her husband, Bates merely shook his head dismissively and said Brenda was just a nice girl without many friends.

"And she's intimidated by you," he added.

"Me?" Anna demanded.

"Brenda knows how well respected you are at this house and she's worried she won't measure up to the example you've set. And she thinks you don't like her."

In truth, Anna did not like the younger woman. She also did not believe that Brenda had anything but bad motives relating to her relationship with Mr. Bates. She herself rarely had a spare moment alone with her husband but for Brenda being there already talking to him, making some inquiry of him or fawning over some work he was doing.

At one point, she even confronted her about it.

"Brenda," Anna said, finding her in Lady Mary's room late one morning making up the bed. "Could I speak to you a moment?"

"I really have so much work to do," Brenda responded dismissively.

"It won't take long. I just want to say I've noticed how much you've been flirting with my husband."

Anna kept her voice level and clear, refusing to show the emotions she felt bubbling under the surface. But the declaration did not startle the maid as she thought it might. Rather, Brenda stared back at her without an ounce of regret.

"You're mistaken," she said evenly. "Mr. Bates and I are merely good friends."

"I don't appreciate you sitting next to him at meals," Anna went on, "or monopolizing his time in the evenings before His Lordship rings."

Brenda glared at her openly. "Jealousy is unbecoming, Mrs. Bates. If he prefers my company to yours, perhaps that's something you need to address about your own behavior, not mine."

With that, the maid left the room, deliberately bumping into Anna as she passed her. Still taken aback by the woman's harsh comment, Anna stood in place and did not turn to rebuke her.

Even at night in the privacy of the cottage she shared with her husband, Brenda's presence seemed to follow Anna.

"She's just a nice girl. You're being irrational," Bates told her when she confessed her misgivings about the housemaid.

"She's after you," Anna responded, hurt by his defense of Brenda.

He frowned at her, obviously disbelieving. "And even if what you say is true, which I don't think it is, what would she see in me?" he asked pointedly.

Anna understood his unspoken meaning. What would a beautiful young housemaid see in an crippled old man like him? She used to see that silent question in his eyes when he looked at her.

"She sees what I see," Anna said.

He regarded her for a moment, his face perfectly composed.

"And what do you see?" he asked sadly, finally betraying deeply held feelings. "I don't think you've even looked at me in months."

The year since the attack on Anna had been difficult for both of them. Even after Bates found out her secret and Anna moved back into the cottage, nothing could go back to the way it was before. Marital intimacy vanished and while he never complained or pushed her, she knew he missed it.

Anna missed it herself, missed knowing her husband in that manner, but she was not ready. The few times they'd attempted to reclaim their previous martial bliss, she'd suffered from flashbacks and was forced to stop him. He hated seeing her in fear of him, and she hated herself for her reactions to the man she loved. After a while, they stopped trying altogether.

"You're right," she said finally, looking away in shame at the reminder of her failure as a wife. "I'm being silly."

After that, Anna said nothing about Brenda's flirtation with her husband. Instead, she watched, seeing in the young woman a fuller, more vibrant version of herself. And watching her husband speak to Brenda, she saw the smile and light in his eyes he used to have when speaking to her.

Each day seemed to grow worse, and Anna felt like a stranger in the house where she'd worked over half her life. Like a shadow of a spirit walking amongst the living, she faded into the background as she kept hearing her own words repeated in her mind.

It's not illegal to take a mistress, Mr. Bates.

Anna knew he would never be unfaithful to her, but the possibility of him being tempted by someone else pained her just as much as if he succumbed to it, if not more. She wanted her life back, and she hated what their relationship had become. She hated herself for pushing him away, for being less than the woman he deserved.

Could she really blame him if he liked Brenda, if he was lured by the young housemaid? Anna found herself thinking of the marriage to Vera he'd been trapped in, how miserable and downtrodden she had left him. Anna wanted her husband to be happy, she truly did. And what right did she have to deny him the slightest joy he might find, even if it was in huddled whispers with another woman?

Two days later, Anna happened upon a scene which tested not only her resolve but her faith in John Bates.

She'd just headed up to help Lady Mary undress for bed when she realized she'd forgotten Her Ladyship's mended nightgown in one of the cupboards downstairs. Already late, she made haste down the stairs and rounded the corner before a sight froze her in her tracks.

There, at the end of the hall by the door, stood Mr. Bates and Brenda. To casual observers, they were merely standing close to one another. But Anna immediately took in the woman's hand at his lapel and the way she stood up on tip-toes to be slightly closer to him. Anna saw the tilt of his head downwards and the smile on his face as he looked at the other woman.

Anna turned away before seeing what she knew would follow - a kiss. She'd experienced that same position too many times in the past not to know what it heralded. She still remembered when it was her hand on his jacket and her lips that caught the attention of his eyes. Her heart ached bitterly at the memory of the stolen moments they used to share.

Making her way back upstairs, Anna walked like a ghost, too shocked to pay attention to where she was going. Her mind was back in that hallway, watching her husband fall in love with another woman.

"Anna, where have you been?" Mrs. Hughes demanded, stopping her in the stairwell. "Lady Mary has been looking for you."

"I'm sorry," the lady's maid managed, fighting back tears.

"Oh, what's the matter?"

The pressure of her emotions proved too much and Anna began sniffling as she pulled a handkerchief from her pocket. "I've lost him, Mrs. Hughes," she revealed, wiping severely at her eyes and the moisture they were producing.

"Lost who?"

"I've lost my husband."

"Oh, Anna, that's a ridiculous thing to think. You could never lose Mr. Bates. He loves you."

"He used to love me. But I'm not the same person I was... before. I can't give him what he needs, be who he needs me to be again."

Sighing, Mrs. Hughes said, "He loved you before and he loves you still. Trust me, I've never seen a man love a woman more than he loves you."

"Then why does he..." Anna stopped, unwilling to give voice to the jealousy she'd been wrapped in since Brenda's arrival. Why did he prefer her company to Anna's? Why did he not push Brenda away when she saw them downstairs?

Understanding her without the need for words, Mrs. Hughes answered knowingly, "He doesn't. Brenda seeks him out, which you don't do anymore, by the way. And maybe you're not paying enough attention but even when Mr. Bates is talking to her, his eyes are on you. He still lights up when you enter a room and his eyes follow when you leave."

Anna sniffled as she took in this information. "But he... I just saw him and they were..."

"They were what?"

Taking a breath to stabilize herself, Anna said with resignation, "They were about to kiss, Mrs. Hughes."

"Did you see them kiss?" the housekeeper demanded.

"No, but-"

"Then I refuse to believe it. Now dry your eyes and go up to Lady Mary. We can talk more when you're finished if you like, but really... you should talk to him, Anna."

Putting on her best brave face, Anna dabbed her tears away and with a nod, ascended the stairs and quickly made her way to Her Ladyship's bedroom.

"I'm sorry, milady," she said as she entered. "I must have misplaced the nightgown. You'll have to use another one for tonight and I'll do a more thorough search in the morning."

Moving quickly and keeping her head down, Anna found the spare shift and began unbuttoning Mary's evening dress.

"Are you all right, Anna?" the noblewoman asked, taking in her maid's red eyes and shaken appearance.

"I'm fine, milady."

"You don't look fine."

Anna shook her head, unable to keep up the charade. "You're right, I'm not fine. But I shouldn't burden you with my problems or let them effect my work. Please don't trouble yourself, milady."

They'd been through so much together, she and Lady Mary, and Her Ladyship had been so supportive of her over the last year. But the other woman was still her employer and she could not go crying to her every time an issue developed in her marriage.

Frowning, Mary said, "You'll tell me if there's anything I can do, won't you Anna?"

"There's nothing you can do, milady. I'm afraid its a problem of my own making."

"Does this have something to do with Mr. Bates?" Mary asked as she stepped out of her dress and allowed Anna to scoop it from around her.

Anna paused as she put the delicate fabric over one arm. "I think it has as much to do with me as him, milady. I haven't been a very good wife lately, I'm afraid."

"You've been through a terrible trauma," Her Ladyship stated.

"And I've been working through it, thanks in large part to my very loving and understanding husband," Anna responded. "But lately, there's been a distance between us, and I'm afraid I'm the cause of it."

Lady Mary nodded, her dark eyes betraying an understanding beyond her years. "Tell him how you feel," she advised. "The gap always seems impossible to bridge when you're only looking at it from one side."

By the time Anna was done attending to Her Ladyship, Anna had managed to school her features to calm detachment. But as she walked down the stairs, she found her feet grew heavier and heavier, and each step seemed like it brought her closer to something she wanted to avoid.

What if Mr. Bates wanted to leave her for Brenda? What would she do, how would she survive? She loved him so, and the thought of losing him terrified her to no end. The fear invaded her senses like a familiar enemy. So many times they'd been split apart only to find their way back to one another. But now, she only had herself to blame if he left.

As though conjured by her own worries and misgivings, he was waiting for her at the foot of the stairs, leaning slightly on his cane as he watched her descend. His face showed only an impassive mask as he said, "I need to talk to you."

Fear shot through her veins at the tone of his voice, both serious and urgent. Though his features betrayed nothing, she saw guilt reflected in his eyes. Guilt and shame.

"About what?" she managed to ask, already suspecting. Was he in love with Brenda and wanting to end their marriage? The thought seemed irrational before, but she'd lost all sense of certainty anymore.

Looking around at the other servants passing by them, Bates shook his head. "Not here. Could we step out into the courtyard for a moment?"

Not the courtyard. She couldn't bear for him to break her heart there, not when they'd had shared so many beautiful moments together in that space over the years.

"Can it wait until we get home?" Anna asked, dreading the inevitable. She could not face it, not yet.

He shook his head. "I think we need to talk about it now."

With a nod of resignation, she followed him outside. Perhaps it would be better to get it over and done with after all rather than torturing herself with the possibilities.

But as she walked behind him, Anna was reminded of a previous time they'd walked in this direction, with her following him out into the courtyard. He had just told her of his intention to leave Downton and return to London with his wife. They'd been making plans, talking about getting married, and suddenly Vera's appearance had ended all of that. And he had gone with the horrible woman to spare Anna, she knew, to keep Vera from ruining her reputation and embroiling the household in scandal.

Anna remembered telling him that none of it mattered - that she could face ruin and censure if only they were together. She didn't care if was married - she'd still go with him, live with him, love him - despite the names society would call her. Because she loved him, more than any other person in the whole world, and she wanted to be with him more than any other conceivable future.

Mr. Bates stopped in the courtyard and turned to face her, his eyes focused on the cobblestones beneath his feet. Anna felt her heart beating fast in her chest, as though it knew its existence was about to end, that he was about to shatter it.

And Anna knew in that moment - she couldn't lose him. They'd endured a difficult year together, and Anna still felt like a shadow of her former self, but she could not let him go without a fight. And if she was destined to lose this man, this wonderful, amazing, selfless man, then he would go knowing she loved him.

"I know you have something to say," she said first, speaking quickly, "but so do I. I need you to know something..."

Taking a deep breath, Anna plunged ahead. "I love you. I know I don't tell you enough, but I do. I haven't been good to you, not since... not for a long time. I know that, and I'm sorry. Maybe things can't be the way they were before, but I'll do what I can to make them better. I love you more than anything and I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy again."

She took a breath, realized she was pleading with him, her voice unsteady and desperate. And as he listened, his gaze locked with hers, tears had begun to glisten in his eyes.

Letting out a ragged breath, Bates smiled at her - his face a mixture of joy at her words and something else she could not describe. "I want that too, Anna," he confessed. "You have no idea how much... I hate feeling like we're apart even when we're standing right next to each other. I want to reach out to you, but I feel like I can't-"

"I know," Anna said. "I feel the same way."

"-but there is something you have to know, something I can't have between us." He continued, "Anna, you were right about Brenda. I must have been too blind to see it. But tonight while you were upstairs... she tried to kiss me."

His confession left her dizzy even as she attempted to process the words. Sorting through them, Anna repeated, "She... tried?"

"I stopped her, of course," Bates responded, confused by the question. A moment later, processing her expression, he said, "Did you think I wouldn't?"

At a loss for words, Anna looked away as she stammered, "I didn't... I don't..."

His large hands cupped either side of her head, gently turning her back to face him. "Anna, did you think I would have kissed her?"

Her lip trembled treacherously as she let out a single, silent nod before the tears that choked back her voice erupted.

"Oh, darling... I love you," he told her, his voice low and resonating. "You are my wife, and you are the only one I want." He sighed. "I was a fool for not listening to you before. She did have feelings for me, and I didn't see it until she said something tonight."

"What did she say?" Anna asked.

"She... she propositioned me. She said she could make me happy."

Happier than his wife...

Nodding, Anna understood the scene she'd come upon and found herself picturing his version of what she'd missed as she went upstairs.

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her that she was a nice girl, and I was sorry if I let her think I felt more than I did. But I love my wife. And no one can ever make me happier than you make me."

As he spoke, he pulled her into his arms and Anna held onto him as hard as she could, unwilling to let him go. She'd always felt safe in his embrace, as though his solid presence could shelter her from any storm. The thought of that had almost undone her.

"I'm sorry if I gave you reason to doubt me," he murmured softly against her hair. "No matter what storms we may weather, my heart will always be yours."

"I didn't doubt you," she said, realizing the truth of her words as she spoke them. "I doubted myself. I doubted that I was a good enough wife for you."

"You have no reason to doubt that," he told her, pulling away slightly so he could look down into her eyes. "You are my entire world."

They stood together for some time, neither willing to let go of the other until they heard Mrs. Hughes calling from the back door.

"We're coming," Bates responded to the housekeeper, buying them a few moments to compose themselves. Slowly, gently, they disengaged their arms from each other, but Bates reached out a hand to grip her fingers.

"What will you do about Brenda?" Anna asked quietly.

"I tried to let her down easy, but she still seemed upset. I suppose the best thing would be to talk to Mrs. Hughes, see if she can find her a position somewhere else."

Anna nodded, agreeing that whatever happened, Brenda needed to leave Downton. As much as they both disliked seeing someone lose their position, the girl's behavior had been wildly inappropriate and would only cause problems for the entire household in the long run.

"I have a few things I need to finish before we go home," Bates said as they walked back towards the house. "Will you wait for me?"

"Of course," she said automatically, unable to keep from smiling at the simple request.

Just as his hand reached out to open the door, Anna stopped him, tugging him back to her with their entwined fingers. Without preamble, she put her free hand around his neck and pulled him down into a kiss. As their lips met in a simple touch, she felt a fire ignite within her, one she had not experienced in over a year. The kiss deepened, opening to a gulf of passion shared between them which had lain dormant for so long. She was breathing hard when they finally separated, and Mr. Bates' eyes were alive with desire.

She could also see the question there, the question he would never ask aloud but kept alive in his heart - was she finally ready? Was this the night when they would truly be together again as husband and wife? He would not push her, Anna knew. He had given her nothing for the past twelve months but unswerving devotion and chaste affection. But he still wanted to be with her, of that she was certain.

And she wanted him. She wanted him in a way she couldn't fathom, both familiar and new, as though their long abstinence had remade them both new and innocent from the mold of their own bodies.

Flashing him a wicked grin, Anna let their fingers separate as she moved to follow him through the door back into the house. "I think I'll be ready whenever you are," she told him. His answering smile held the renewed promise of not just one night, but a lifetime of happiness.