General RTS: It's been a long time since I wrote a story. I've been really busy since I'm studying for Law School and I don't really have much time to stay committed to a big story project. For the most part I wrote this because I wanted to see if I still had a sense of humor left. I fear I lost a good portion of it. I also want to say that this story was inspired by Mozco and RadiantBeam's brilliant collaboration fic "Shinderella" which is a far superior work to my own. Anyways I hope you enjoy!
Peter Port: The play's extremely dashing Director
Professor Ozpin / Glynda Goodwitch: Co-Producers and Resident Critics
Lie Ren: Narrator
Ruby Rose: The… Protagonist?
Blake: The Beast
Yang Xiao Long: The Village Hunter
Jaune Arc: Ruby's father
Nora Valkyrie: The Candlestick
Pyrrha Nikos: The Clock
Weiss Schnee: The Teapot
Cardin Winchester: The Donkey
Act 1. Scene 1.
[Scene: Beacon Academy Exterior. The Narrator Speaks]
REN: Once upon a time in a faraway land, there lived a Prince in a shining castle *Cough* WhichisobviouslyjustBeacon *Cough, Cough*. Though this prince possessed almost everything he could ever want, he was also spoiled and unkind. Thus one mysterious winter night the prince unknowingly insulted an enchantress disguised as an old hag. Disgusted by his attitude, she cast a curse that turned him into a horrifying beast.
[Dramatic music flares, Blake walks in as the Beast looking pissed. She is not wearing a costume. In fact she is just wearing her normal outfit without her bow.]
BLAKE: I'm going to find and kill whoever did the casting for this stupid play.
PORT: Now, now, Ms. Belladona, stick to the script.
BLAKE: Don't give me that! Why do I have play the beast without even a costume? Why would anyone in the audience ever even believe that I'm supposed to be some kind of terrible monster? [Everyone in the room blatantly stares at Blake's cat ears] Oh, Fuck you guys! This is the kind of discrimination and stereotyping that my people have to go through every day.
REN: [Yawns] You know… as terrible as racism might be, I don't think your outrage here is going help win any hearts here, so can you just start reading the script so we can get this over with. I promised Nora I'd take her to town today.
BLAKE: Of course, your girlfriend would be more important than our struggle for equality.
REN: For the last time, she's not my girlfriend. We're just really close platonic friends that just happen to spend nearly every moment of our waking existence together.
BLAKE: Suuuure.
REN: I'm serious!
PORT: The Script!
BLAKE: [Grumbling something intelligible]… Fine. Oh woe be my wretched existence as this terrible and … ugly beast… now that's just insulting.*Ahem* If only I had been kinder to the enchantress when she had arrived in castle asking for refuge. How will I ever find true love to break this terrible curse. Truly there is no hope…. Okay wow, seriously you brought me on here for story exposition and a badly written one at that. You know what? Cue the next scene while I go find my gun-sword.
Act 1. Scene 2.
[Outside the Beacon Student Dormitory]
REN: While the prince lamented his terrible curse, there lived a young girl in a nearby village by the name o- [Our crimson protagonist jumps out]
RUBY: Rubbbyyyy! The fearless heroine!
REN: [Sighs] Ruby, you're not supposed to introduce yourself. That's breaking the fourth wall.
RUBY: What? Blake did it too. I didn't want to feel left out.
REN: … … Anyways, Ruby was graceful and charming young lady who loved books and reading.
RUBY: Hey Ren! Check out what I did to my history textbook. [Ruby shows Ren an open book which has been completely vandalized by our protagonist after she drew dicks on nearly every page… she also starts to pick her nose.]
REN: … … Wow… fantastic casting …
PORT: DO NOT QUESTION THE MAD KING OR HIS JUDGEMENT MORTAL!
[Every looks at Professor Port in silent shock]
ALL: ... … … …
PORT: Errr… I mean… Continue with the script, Ren.
REN: Umm… okay then… … Ruby lived with her father, an eccentric inventor, on the far edge of the village. Unfortunately however, Ruby's charm and beauty attracted the unwanted attentions of a successful hunter by the name of… wait… are you sure about this? I mean… this could get really awkward.
PORT: Mr. Ren, Believe in the script that believes in the you that believes in the script. This will all come together in the end. It will all come together!
REN: You know what? I don't know why I even bother. I mean who cares? It's only logic and common sense.
PORT: That's the spirit!
REN: [Sighs] Ruby's charm and beauty attracted the unwanted attentions of a successful hunter by the name of Yang. [Enter Yang looking very confused]
YANG: Um … look guys. I'm fine with being Gaston… really I am. I mean, sure he's the bad guy but … I'm down with playing an arrogant and popular hunter… heck I might even be comfortable with hitting on girls just for kicks. B-But… asking me to hit on my actual sister is a little… … weird… in a lot of ways.
REN: I told you so.
PORT: Your other option was to play Ms. Rose's actual romantic interest. Though I suppose you could always switch with Ms. Belladona if you wished.
YANG: … I'm so happy to be the primary antagonist! Hey there hot stuff! [Picks up Ruby in a hug and gives her a slobbery kiss on the cheek. Ruby looks distinctly uncomfortable.]
RUBY: Sis! Stop it?
YANG: Hey, I can't help it. It's in my lines. Besides why would anyone think I'd be good at playing some macho man that goes around sexually harassing women?
[Clearly because anyone who's ever read the fandom would realize that you were practically shipped with nearly every other girl before being shipped with a guy.]
YANG: … What was that stage directions? [Her eyes turn red as she cracks her knuckles threateningly.
[… eep… … Nothing]
YANG: That's what I thought.
REN: And as Yang the hunter continued to sexually harass young Ruby, refusing to take no for an answer…
YANG: … You're actually enjoying this aren't you?
REN: I admit all this pretty amusing. Mostly I'm just glad I got a part that lets me keep my dignity. Anyways, Ruby's father, the village's eccentric inventor and goofball, Jaune, was travelling deep into the forest accompanied only by his donkey, Cardin.
Act 2. Scene 3
[Cut to Emerald Forest. Enter Jaune and Cardin. Cardin is currently wearing one of the plays BETTER costumes which isn't really saying much. It looks more like a donkey themed onesie.]
CARDIN: This is bullshit.
JAUNE: [Whispering] Cardin! Follow the script. You're supposed to be on all fours and act like a donkey! And stop talking, you don't have any lines!
CARDIN: To hell with that! Why the hell do I have to play such a lame role! In fact wasn't I supposed to be a horse in the original Disney film? When did I turn in to an ass all of a sudden?!
JAUNE: Cardin, don't be silly. You didn't turn into anything. You've always been an ass!
CARDIN: [Growls] What was that?
JAUNE: Errr… nothing! I didn't me- wait! How do you know that Philippe was supposed to be a horse instead of a donkey in the original film?
CARDIN: [Eyes widen in alarm] Umm... no reason. I watched it once or twice when I was a kid. It's not like it was my favorite Disney movie or anything!
JAUNE: Riiiggghhhttt.
CARDIN: I'm serious!
REN: Can you two please stop arguing so we can get on with the story!?
CARDIN: I really rather we didn't.
REN: Then we most definitely should. [It should be noted at this point that Ren did not like Cardin. NO ONE DID] Anyways, Jaune and the ass-
CARDIN: I hate you all…
REN: were walking peacefully across the narrow forest path when suddenly, a pack of wolves sprung out from the woods and attacked Jaune and Cardin. Wait… I don't remember any wolves being cast for the play. What the heck were you planning for those?
[Suddenly, dozens of large hidden cages rise out of the ground and release several packs of beowolves at possibly the two weakest characters of RWBY]
REN: … oh.
JAUNE: Cardin! We have to get out of here! … … … … Car-Cardin? [Turns around to find the ass completely gone] Son of a bi- [Jaune is unable to finish the statement as he is soon mauled by the onslaught of wolves]
[Meanwhile in the Audience Seats]
GLYNDA: [Leans over to Ozpin] Is this legal?
OZPIN: [Shrugs] Well, they did sign a waiver forms before applying to Beacon.
GLYNDA: [Looks surprised] Really, I don't remember that being included inside their application forms.
OZPIN: Of course not. It was under the "Terms and Conditions" tab on the website. No one ever reads those.
GLYNDA: Oh… … … I guess it's fine then.
[It's not fine… … at all]
Intermission