Title: A Demi-God's Best Friend
Date: February 17, 2014
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Nasuverse characters.
Set to Fate/Zero. There's a saying that goes: Dogs are a Man's Best Friend. But how about demi-gods? Much to his distaste, Tokiomi learns that Gilgamesh is the most disobedient of servants when the King of Heroes brings home a mongrel.

Note: I re-watched the Gilgamesh vs Berserker air battle and was all like… I gotta write this fic. I mean Lancelot is no Enkidu, but he's pretty close.

A Demi-God's Best Friend

"What is this?" Tokiomi Tohsaka questioned, surprised that he managed to keep his voice so calm despite wanting to bash his head against the nearest wall.

He was met with a wide grin, "I called him Berserk."

"… Berserk?" Tokiomi coughed, "… Very creative."

"Of course." Gilgamesh's grin widened.

He stared at the darkly glowing servant, "… Now can you explain to me what that thing is doing in my living room?"

Gilgamesh arched a brow, "He's mine now."

"I don't think you understand how this works-"

"Tokiomi." The golden haired servant interrupted, "I don't think you understand how this works. I'd have thought putting your chains around a mongrel's neck makes him your pet. Does it not work the same way in this... more modern time?"

"… He already has a master." The magus had to point out.

"So?"

"Berserker's master will call him back." Tokiomi concluded.

Gilgamesh shook his head, "Impossible. My Chains of Heaven are capable of binding gods. A mongrel is nothing."

"Honestly, I leave for two seconds to deal with that filth Kariya and you come home with his… servant." The magus practically spat.

"We had a bonding experience." Gilgamesh explained, "While he was chasing me with that aircraft, I was reminded of Rambo."

"… Who?"

"My pet lion." The King of Heroes had a fond smile cover his face, "Rambo would chase me around… he'd pretend to want to eat me… His favourite game was chase."

Tokiomi wanted nothing more than to bury his head in his hands. Although summoning Gilgamesh could be considered a miraculous feat and will no doubt lead him to attaining the grail, the King of Heroes was certainly proving himself to be more trouble that it was actually worth. And he just had this room remodelled and refurnished just last year…

"Who's going to feed it mana?" The dark haired magus asked, feeling more than exasperated by this point.

"I will." Gilgamesh reassured.

"And who's going to clean up after it, if it makes a mess?"

"RARRG!" As if on cue, the chained servant kicked over the nearest vase. An antique by the way from a rather pleasant family vacation to Greece… before he gave his youngest daughter Sakura away.

"… Don't you have slaves in this place?" Gilgamesh wondered, "In Uruk, I had a bunch of slaves. One that always made sure my cup was filled with wine, one that cleaned the floor before I stepped on it, one that fanned me so I wouldn't get too hot, one that followed me around with a giant leaf umbrella, one that cleaned up after Rambo if he knocked down a vase or two… or killed someone…"

Tokiomi sighed, "That thing is too troublesome."

"No, it's not." Gilgamesh protested.

"Yes. It is." The dark haired magus stressed, "… Bring it out back and shoot some spears or swords into it."

The King of Heroes' lower lip quivered, "I refuse such a barbaric request."

"Don't make me use a command seal." Tokiomi warned.

"… Fine." Dark crimson eyes glared at the magus before both the King of Heroes and mongrel disappeared in a shimmer of gold.

"… What is this?" Kirei Kotomine questioned, not at all surprised by Gilgamesh's appearance but definitely surprised by that thing he was holding by the chain.

"I called him Berserk." The King of Heroes grinned.

"… Very creative." Kirei hesitantly replied.

"Tokiomi said the same thing." Gilgamesh laughed, as he took a seat on the nearest couch.

"… So what do I owe the pleasure of your company, King of Heroes?" The priest cautiously took a seat. (The furthest seat away from both servants)

"Tokiomi is being his usual boring self." Gilgamesh waved a dismissive hand.

"… And?"

"I'll be keeping Berserk here for a while." Gilgamesh explained.

Kirei blinked, "… This isn't even my property. The church is allowing me to stay here, I have no right to authorize-"

"It'll be our little secret." The King of Heroes shrugged.

"RARRRG!"

And there goes his wine cabinet…

"I can't possibly-"

"Sure you can." Gilgamesh interrupted.

"Its master will surely call Berserker back." Kirei explained.

The golden haired demi-god rolled his eyes, "He's being held by my Chains of Heaven. Even gods can't escape. Berserk is perfectly secured."

"RAWRRR!"

… There goes his study desk.

"Who's going to feed him mana?" Kirei asked.

"You sound just like Tokiomi." Gilgamesh muttered hatefully.

"Look how much energy it has." The priest pointed out.

"I'll fight him every day." The King of Heroes rolled his eyes.

"You say that now, but keeping Berserker is a long-term commitment." The brunet advised.

"His name is Berserk." Gilgamesh corrected, "And I know it's a commitment."

"I don't think you do." Kirei sighed.

"Kirei, do you recall that conversation we had about what your wish would be if you ever attained that grail thing everyone is speaking so highly of?" The golden haired demi-god reminisced.

"… Yes." Kirei was cautious, wondering where the King of Heroes was going to take this conversation.

"We were talking about joy. True happiness…"

"… Okay." Kirei stiffly nodded his head, again unsure and extremely hesitant on what the demi-god was planning.

"If you ever owned a mongrel, you'd realize what joy is." Gilgamesh did the closest thing to a pout.

And Kirei Kotomine just couldn't say no to that.

"Fine."

A brilliant smile made its way onto the King of Heroes' face.

"Fine, you can keep Berserk here." The priest sighed, "But you need to feed it. You need to make sure it has enough exercise. You also need to clean up after its mess. Can you do that?"

"A king always keeps his word!" Gilgamesh grinned.

Kirei Kotomine made sure to wash all the blood off his hands after stabbing his long time master and friend Tokiomi Tohsaka in the back. It wasn't anything personal, rather he just wanted the grail and his former master just happened to be in the way. Besides, having Gilgamesh as his servant wasn't too bad either. Heck, if Gilgamesh weren't too busy playing with that damn mongrel of his... or drinking, they could probably end the Holy Grail War within hours. But…

His eyes landed on a broken wine bottle.

"Gilgamesh!" He called out.

The King of Heroes materialized next to him, "Kirei."

"… What's this?"

"… It looks like a broken wine bottle." The demi-god shrugged.

"And why is it broken?" Kirei crossed his arms over his chest.

"… Magic?"

"Don't you 'magic' me." The priest glared.

"Maybe Berserk did it… I don't know." The King of Heroes rolled his eyes.

"Did you take it out yet? Or has it been cooped up in my room since this morning?"

"… I'll do it later." Gilgamesh sighed.

"I spent all day killing my former master and you can't even take that thing on a walk?" Kirei frustratedly pointed out.

"I said I'll do it later." Gilgamesh rolled his eyes once more.

"Do it now. Then you're going to clean this up."

"… Don't you have slaves around here? Back in Uruk, I had more slaves than you could count. One would act as my footstool if I kind of wanted to sit with my legs a little raised, I had several who would carry me under the weight of my portable throne if I didn't feel like walking, one servant would clean up broken wine vases after Rambo-"

"Enough with Rambo!" Kirei hit his limit, "Just clean this up."

Crimson red eyes were glaring at him.

"I'm going to place my dead master's body at the church, so Kariya can find him. And then Aoi-san can find him and think he killed her husband, and hopefully Kariya will cry, kill himself or kill her, or something… If you want to watch that, you make sure this mess is clean." The priest lectured.

"… Whatever." Gilgamesh sighed.

"Don't you 'whatever' me." Kirei glared, "And take that thing on a walk!"

"RAAAARRRGG!"

… And there goes his antique book collection.

The End.

It's my first time writing in the Fate section, so I'm really nervous! Thanks for reading and please tell me what you think!