Fifth Alternate... Year Five of HP

Dolores Umbridge, the toad hag of the Ministry, showed up a month into term under the new heading of Hogwarts Inquisitor.

The students unanimously hated her on sight.

She was annoying, she treated everyone like five-year-olds, and she seemed to thrive in making them absolutely miserable.

It was with great surprise to Filch that the students actually started to be nicer to him once Professor Evans convinced him to trip the woman, claiming she was the one to kick his beloved cat down the halls. Even Snape had a more responsive class when he introduced a poison and many of the fifth year lions started contemplating adding it to Umbridge's food discreetly.

The fact he was actually giving them tips on how to do just that only made him more popular, to his amusement.

Finally the confrontation between Umbitch (as her official nickname went) and Professor Evans and his assistant happened. During fifth year DADA with the lions and snakes no less.

It was one of Harry's more memorable classes.

"Hem, Hem!" coughed Umbridge.

Gabe didn't even look at her. She coughed again, this time tapping her ever present clipboard impatiently.

"I'm sure Madam Pomphrey has something for that cough," he said blandly, ignoring her.

"Mr. Evans, did you not get the notice I handed you this morning about Ministry standards?" she asked.

"You mean that load of tripe I used to roast my marshmallows?" he countered.

Several students snickered.

Umbridge bristled.

She was about to let loose a load of Ministry-driven nonsense...but Gabe drew his wand and hexed her voice away. She kept opening her mouth and no sound came out.

"And that children is what is known as a cone of silence. No sound can leave the cone, and nothing can get in. Great for Binns class or when people are annoying you greatly. Who wants to learn the incantation?" he asked.

Without hesitation, everyone raised their hands.

Gabe cheerfully gave them the words and the wand movements...and the permission to use it on Umbitch as often as they liked. He even added the spell so that it would stay localized to Umbridge to their amusement.

It took her ten minutes to figure out that he had spelled her openly before her face turned red and she started shouting.

Gabe had an evil look in his eyes.

"Right. Who wants to learn prank spells today?"

The students cheered.

Fred and George were most put out when they heard that the entire fifth year Gryffindor and Slytherin class had learned prank spells that day.

However they got something just as good when Touchstone, the mysterious assistant, ended up teaching them during their lesson.

"Right, Gabe is currently out with a nasty hangover and Madam Pomphrey wasn't feeling too sympathetic so I'll be teaching today."

Said professor was on a couch in the corner groaning in pain. The twins snickered.

"Those of you who know how to prank people, you are free to toss any relatively low-level fireworks you have on you," said Touchstone, carefully avoiding the Weasly twins.

Fred and George grinned evilly and tossed a few wet-start firecrackers at the professor. He swore like a sailor before he shot a stinging hex at the one teaching them today.

"Now today I'll be showing you how to cast what is known among certain wizards in America as the 'flash-bang' spell, which is very popular among the armed forces..." said Touchstone, ignoring Gabe's cussing.

Gabe blearily looked at Touchstone and said with a slur "Bitch."

"Jerk," said Touchstone in reply without hesitation.

"He actually told you to throw fireworks at the professor?" said Hermione incredulous.

"He gave us five points for our good aim," said George.

"Why was he drunk though?" asked Harry.

"We asked that, and apparently he had a run-in with Umbitch who started hassling him again. He had such a headache that he kept drinking high-end liquor without realizing it. Professor Touchstone wasn't too happy about the mess he left, hence why he told us to prank Professor Evans," said Fred grinning.

"I still can't believe he actually gave us prank spells," said Ron.

Hermione huffed.

"At least he actually knows what he's doing. Remember Lockhart?" snorted Harry.

Hermione blushed. They still teased her about that.

"So what did Professor Evans have to say to you Harry?" asked Ron.

"He said that if I needed someone to talk to that his door was always open. I like him..." said Harry.

Gabe was grading papers in the class when he heard the door open.

A scruffy looking black-haired boy with emerald eyes peaked in.

"Come on in Potter."

Harry looked around and was mildly surprised that he wasn't in the man's office.

"Why are you grading papers in the classroom? Isn't your office just up the stairs?" he asked.

"I find that allowing a student to stay with me in the classroom while I answer questions is less likely to result in people assuming that there is an illicit relationship going on. Plus I really don't enjoy enclosed spaces that much," admitted Gabe. It was why his house was in fact a pocket dimension with a near infinite space to it and he had to conjure doors to whatever room he wanted to go to, since it would take him hours to go from one end of the house to the other.

It was just that big.

Harry sat awkwardly in one of the chairs.

"Now, what did you need Harry?"

"Sir, do you believe me when I say Voldemort is back?"

"Mold and shorts? Who the hell names their kid that?" he asked.

Harry snickered.

"But yes, I do believe you. Just because everyone else has their head up their ass about this issue doesn't mean I won't at least listen when a student brings up a sensitive issue. I would much rather learn that the student is over exaggerating about something like a death than to dismiss it out of hand and find out I was wrong."

Harry seemed to relax at that.

Gabe put down his pen.

"Harry, just because you stopped him once does not mean you are the one to end him permanently. You are a young man with your life ahead of you and there is no reason that a boy your age should be forced to fight in a war that Dumbledore started because he was too damn hypocritical to fight fire with fire."

"Sir?"

"Did you know it took them five years before people finally started using equal force against the Death Eaters? Before then all they did was stun and imprison them. In war there is no place for stunners, not unless it's to get noncombatants out of the way. It's kill or be killed, and personally I would rather see you end the threat against your loved ones than to try and talk it out unless the person is reasonable enough that it's a viable option."

Harry looked uncomfortable with the idea of killing.

"I'm not saying you should go out and kill Malfoy or Snape, but the main idea behind the death penalty in America is to put a permanent end to the threat. Now, tell me Harry do you have any hobbies? Anything to take your mind off things?"

"I talk to my owl," he said.

"A good hobby, and very therapeutic since your owl can't repeat anything you say. But if I were you I'd invest in a cone of silence next time you talk to the owl...it deters listeners. Now, what do you have an interest in?"

"Music and maybe art. But I don't have any time because it's OWL year."

"And because Ms. Granger would have your head if you tried to find anything not school related?" he said knowingly.

Harry nodded.

"Then my assignment for you is to find something new to enjoy. And you have to actually enjoy it, not go through the motions just to kill time. I find archery to be an interesting past time, and I'm an avid Sci-Fi fan."

Seeing an odd blue pen thing on his desk, Harry grinned.

"You're a mad man in a blue box aren't you?"

"Got it in one," grinned Gabe back.

"Doctor Who is great," said Harry.

"And that right there can be your hobby...want to help me prank some other Whovians later?" he asked mischievously.

Harry leaned in interested. Gabe told him what they would be doing and he started laughing. It this didn't out the Who fans, nothing would!

Gabe was nowhere to be seen during lunch, though rumor had it he was up to something to cheer up the unhappy children.

Suddenly there was a grinding sound in the middle of the Great Hall, and Touchstone rolled his eyes...though they were glinting in amusement.

Without warning large metal things started rolling in and crying about extermination before Professor Evans appeared out of the odd blue box in the middle of the hall and started fighting them off with what some pure bloods thought was a very odd looking wand.

Most of Ravenclaw however knew different, and were cheering on the Professor. Even Hermione was cheering.

Suddenly the entire show ended, and Gabe took a bow.

To the shock of the students, Harry popped out of the 'lead' metal thing with a grin.

"May I ask what that was about Mr. Evans?" asked Umbridge angrily.

"What, you've never heard of Doctor Who? Blasphemy!" he said.

He popped into the box again, then came out looking like some sort of stone angel with it's hands over it's face.

He was later mobbed by a good portion of the school for sci-fi paraphernalia.

Gabe just grinned, and promised to give the twins his contact list for more items once he was gone. They walked off with two costumes each...one for the Princess Leia's slave girl, and the other which was a credible recreation of Naga the White Serpent's usual outfit.

Strangely, one Luna Lovegood came in for that particular outfit and a twinkle in her eye when she asked for it. Since Gabe had seen her looking at Harry a few times across the great hall, he had an idea of why she wanted it.

He wished her luck. And reminded her that age-advancing potions were a great way to get over those pesky complaints from a certain boy hero.

"Yes Ms. Granger?" he asked.

"Sir, I was wondering if you would sponsor a Defense club here at the school..."

"Stop right there. Is this an attempt to get training for the war before it officially breaks out?" he asked.

She stared, surprised he had seen through it so fast without being told.

"I will allow it, but only if Madam Pomphrey agrees to be there to back us up. I want to get some of the people in this school into basic healing classes anyway," said Gabe.

As was becoming standard, Gabe hexed Umbitch into silence. Most of the school had figured out how to cast the cone of silence as it was now called.

Despite her efforts otherwise, it was too late to get the spell banned as the only person who was hit with it with any regularity was Umbridge herself.

And since Gabe clearly didn't fear the Ministry's wrath at thwarting her, there was literally nothing she could do. The one time she attempted to hex him, he had defended himself without actually retaliating.

Not even Lucius was about to ban such a useful spell...even if he had no idea how to cast it and for some reason Draco had been unable to tell him how to use it.

"Alright, now as you know, Ms. Granger has asked me to start up a proper defense club. Before we start, I want Madam Pomphrey to help us set up some ground rules. Anyone interested in learning basic healing spells are free to join her half of the club."

"Rule one is that no malicious spells will be cast or taught in this club. I don't want the extra work of healing just because you lost your tempers. Rule two is that if you are caught using any of the battle spells outside of sanctioned practice, you will be given detention unless you can prove that it was cast in defense only. Rule three is that while you are in the club, disagreements between the houses will stay outside. We do not care if you are a Gryffindor, Slytherin or Ravenclaw. You are all equal students and if you try to bring house rivalries into here you will been banned for two meetings at the minimum," said Pomphrey.

"Another rule is that any of the moves Touchstone over there will be teaching you had better not be put into use outside of self defense. He is going to make sure you survive in the event that your wand is taken from you," said Gabe.

And with that, he started them on battle basics. Namely casting a spell without shouting to the world what you were using.

He had noticed a rather annoying habit of magicals to shout their spells as if that would help them cast it.

He invested in ear plugs and learned to read lips rather early on.