Megaman X8 Supercondensed

NOTICE: Some of this is out of chronological order but I don't frankly care.

There is this ORBITAL ELEVATOR. Then there are these LETTERS saying that PARADISE has been LOST.

Gamers

"Oooo! A subtitle! Maybe that means there'll be a plot!"

One of the elevator CARS goes to SHIT because its parts were bought at WAL-MART and it CRASHES after a hard fought RACE and X RUSHES to its AID.

X

"Sanka…y'dead?"

Lumine

"No mon…I'm Sigma."

He IS. X's EYES pop out like JAWBREAKERS as FIFTY HUNDRED KAJIGGERILLION SIGMAS appear out of NOWHERE and they all give him the FINGER. Suddenly Lumine DE-DIGIVOLVES back into his normal form.

Lumine

"…Aaahaha! You SO thought! See, we new-generation Reploids can turn into anything we want, even Michael Jackson, without fear of being corrupted and going Maverick, cause we're the perfect race who will one day rule the New World without interference from inferior species—UH, I MEAN, the Pope gave us blessed holy cookies, so we're immune to Sigma and we love peace and joy. Yeah. That's it."

X

"I totally believe you." (He totally does.)

French-Accented Capcom Exec 1

"Fuck, shit shit! If they can't go Maverick then we don't have a video game! We must fix this shameless plothole!"

French-Accented Capcom Exec 2

"…But I am le tired!"

French-Accented Capcom Exec 1

"Me too…let's have a nap and then just proceed like the last scene never even happened, Megaman fans are too stupid to know the difference."

French-Accented Capcom Exec 2

"I agree, and to speed the plot along let's have Vile come back out of nowhere."

Vile

"FIRE ZE MISSILES!"

A MAVERICK REVOLT begins for the HELL OF IT.

Alia

"OMG the new-gens are like so totally Mav!"

Palette

"Hey, I'M the annoyingly girly navigator now!"

Layer

"And I'm a husky sex machine. Hello, Zero."

Zero

"I caught you a delicious bass."

Alia

"Back to the game, dammit!"

Signas

"Great job out there!"

Axl

"…we haven't started yet."

Signas

"Great job out there!"

Axl

"It's gonna be one of those games, isn't it…"

The Hunters finally go to INVESTIGATE and just when they are about to SOLVE the mystery VILE shows up. He LAUGHS maniacally, CAPTURES Lumine, BITES HIS THUMB at the Hunters, and FIRES ZE MISSILES.

Vile

"OHHHHH! OHHHHH! WHAT NOW, BEEYOTCH! WHAAAAT NOOOW!"

Vile ESCAPES while CACKLING and the Hunters deal with a NEW CRISIS.

Alia

"Like I was saying, the New Gens went Maverick!"

Axl

"That's impossible, we can't go Maverick!"

X

"You're right, New Gens can't go Maverick. Oh shit, look, the New Gens went Maverick!"

French-Accented Capcom Exec 1

"Oh ho ho! It's working! No one even cares!"

French-Accented Capcom Exec 2

"Shhhh! Do not le jinx it! We haven't rolled out ze big guns yet!"

The Hunters go to fight the MAVERICK (?) NEW GENS who continue to offer CLUES to the great MYSTERY and NO I know what you're THINKING but the culprit is NOT COLONEL MUSTARD.

New Gens

"Nyahh nyaah, we're makin' a New World and you can't come cuz the Master said so. Who is the Master? He's certainly not anyone you've fought seven times in the past and who refuses to die and who even appeared in the opening sequence, definitely not, no siree!"

X

"It's so confusing! I can't figure ANYTHING out!"

Signas

"Good job out there!"

Meanwhile while AXL tries in VAIN to expose the INVALIDITY of the New Gen THEORY, Zero and Layer develop a PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIP. WITH SEX.

Layer

"Take me."

Zero

"My heart was already shredded by a long-dead British girl who was killed by my very hands. Oh the memories are so traumatic and why aren't you undressed yet?"

Meanwhile the Hunters reencounter VILE, who now sports WICKED DREADLOCKS.

Vile

"I'm Rick James, bitch."

And like James, he is PWNED. Suddenly Alia's DNA TESTING reveals something SHOCKING.

Alia

"Well X…you're the father after all."

X

"FUX0R!"

Signas

"Good job out there!"

Zero

"If you don't say something different next time I will kill you myself."

Anyway what the test ACTUALLY REVEALS is that SIGMA is causing the new REVOLT, and sadly enough ABSOLUTELY NO ONE saw that coming.

X

"Holy shit! It makes perfect sense now! Vile…Sigma! Sigma…Vile!"

Axl

"It does NOT make sense! The New Gens are IMMUNE to Sigma! IMMUNE!"

X

"Yeah that's a good thing, too, else they could get infected. Damn, we have to get Sigma back for infecting them all!"

Axl

"Grraaaggkkk—" Head explodes)

The battle begins against the other New Gens, only to have VILE show up AGAIN.

Axl

"What do you want, anyway?"

Vile

"I always wanted to be...a lumberjack!"

Vile's FUNKY THEME SONG plays and he FLIES AROUND and attacks with LASERS.

Vile

"I've got frickin' lasers on my head!"

Alas, Axl DEFEATS him and he LEAVES. Meanwhile, X PUTZES AROUND and finds LOTSA LOTSA CAPSULES.

Dr. Light

"Hey, you can be Herpes or Icarus."

X

"…You mean Hermes."

Dr. Light

"It sounds just as stupid, don't be picky."

Back at the ranch, Zero and Layer continue to GET THEIR FREAK ON.

Zero

"Ohhhh baby, be my NAVIGATOR!"

Signas

"That looked like a hard fight, but there was never any doubt you'd come out on top."

Zero

"Oh my holy god."

Zero TAKES HIS ANGER OUT on the enemies at the reopened NOAH'S PARK, where Vile TASERS HIM.

Vile

(Singing) "Yeeees I love technology...Always and forever…"

Zero

"Vile you fat llama come get some death!"

Kevin Eubanks of the Tonite Show Band

"Aaaaa ha ha ha!" (Vacant Grin)

Zero SPANKS Vile and returns to HEADQUARTERS, where the Hunters are contacted by CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.

Sigma

"I am going to the New World and I don't care what you repressive orthodox bastards think about it!"

X

"What are you talking about?"

Sigma

"I honestly have no idea this time, guys. Anyway, if you're wondering, the New World is located on the Moon, which you can reach via the Jakob Elevator, which is conveniently ALL MINE BITCHES HA HA HA I'M SO LONELY AND JUST WANT TO BE LOVED."

Axl

"The transmission broke! And it just seemed like we were getting somewhere."

X

"Of course…Lumine…Jakob…Vile…Sigma…guys! Guys! I just put two and two together! Holy shit!"

Signas

"Congratulations! You are officially the best Maverick Hunter in history!"

X is so happy that he LEADS THE CHARGE to JAKOB, perhaps the ULTIMATE SYMBOL of PHALLIC SUPREMACY on the PLANET EARTH. The Hunters TRAVEL to the EXPANSE OF SPACE.

X, Zero, Axl

(Holding hands in circle, singing) "Oh we'll be comin' to kill Sigma when we coooome…"

At the top they meet VILE, who I must say is MORE BOBA THAN EVER THIS TIME.

X

"Vile! So it was Sigma all along…wasn't it?"

Vile

"Le sigh, j00 re scuh a n00b! Anyway it turns out I don't care so much about the whole 'haunt you till the day you die' thing that defined my character in the past, but hey, it's not like the games made sense after X4 anyway, right? NOW START DYING!"

A CLIMACTIC BATTLE begins against VILE MACH 3 while EVIL ANGELS hauntingly chant "WHAT NOW, BITCH?" in LATIN—

Evil Angels

"Adeo iam, canicula?"

—and it is GLORIOUS. However despite Vile's RIDICULOUSLY HIGH AWESOMENESS FACTOR he is RUINATED by the Hunters, who TRIPLE-TEAM him until he RUNS AWAY. The Hunters return HOME.

Zero

"Graaah graaah Sigma baaaaad!"

Layer

"X, what's wrong with Zero?"

X

"Oh, you see, Zero and Sigma and the Virus—"

Layer

"HE DIDN'T TELL ME HE HAD A VIRUS!"

Signas

"Good job out there!"

Zero

"Aheheh." (Runs)

Pallette

"Hey guys look, it's a space station! I bet that's where Sigma sent his transmission!"

X

"Then…that must be where we should go next! My god! Eight uprisings and I'm finally getting good at this!"

The Hunters deploy to the GATEWAY SATELLITE, where they face NEW GEN CLONES. The satellite GOES BATSHIT and during the escape they meet MR. FROWNY FACE.

Sigma

"Ahahaha! The New World is already beginning! Soon, yes, very soon I shall know…WHAT THE 'NEW WORLD' MEANS! And you shall wilt before my awesome comprehension of my own plot! AHAHAHA!"

DRUNKEN IRISH PUB MUSIC starts playing and the Hunters square off with I.R.A. SIGMA, but it turns out to be a CUNNING RUSE!

Axl

"It was a New Gen clone!"

The Hunters return to base.

X

"You know I know this sounds weird…but I'm not entirely sure that was Sigma we just killed."

Axl

"Gaagggkkk—" Brain explodes again)

Alia

"Guys I found Sigma…the cause of the whole incident!"

(French-Accented Capcom Execs)

("OH HO HO HO! Zees ees too good to be fucking true!")

The FINAL BATTLE FINALLY BEGINS as the Hunters invade SIGMA PALACE CASINO AND LUXURY HOTEL, located conveniently on the MOON.

Zero

"It's the big, brave New World! Watch out for Injuns!"

Axl

"And Aldous Huxley!"

X

"And Sigma…the cause of the whole incident!"

The three musketeers meet Vile ONE LAST TIME, and this time he's got his trademark RIDE ARMOR.

Vile

"Good ol' Betsy!"

Hunters

"How does it feel to be reduced to Sigma's lap dog and be stripped of your cool purple color and to have the meaning of your character shamelessly tossed out the window?"

Vile

"Hey, I still have the crazy laugh! WAHAHAHA! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE!"

They fight. Vile is MORTALLY WOUNDED. Just when it looks safe he drives the ride armor into Axl and Zero and MASHES THEM INTO TOOTHPASTE.

Vile

(Beast Wars Inferno) "FOOOR THE ROYALTY!" (Dies)

X

"Nutmonkeys!"

X, forced to use his OWN BRAIN, shakily NAVIGATES through the CRAZY SPIKE TRAPS and duels with dozens of Sigma's CLONES.

Sigma

(Agent Smith) "This is MY WORLD, MYYY WORLD!"

X

"As beneficial as this plot has been to my mental development, it by and large needs to end now."

Sigma

"I agree. I'm so totally lost, dude, it's like I'm a high schooler acting out Shakespeare."

X duels with Sigma, who looks like THAT ONE BOSS FROM DEVIL MAY CRY. Sigma suddenly OVERPOWERS X and holds him like the VAPID BLUE DOLL that he usually IS.

Nelo-Angelo-Sigma

"Buhahaha! I shall now slay you by recanting the words to Ernest Hemingway's The Old Man And the Sea until you quite simply die!"

X

"DEAR GOD NO!"

Fortunately ZERO AND AXL reappear, who are somehow TOTALLY HEALTHY. The battle continues, and Sigma is DESTROYED FOREVER.

Sigma

"I'm melting! I'm melting! Ohhhh what a world! Thank god, now I can go on the talk shows and lecture circuits while the rest of you sink with this series. If anyone wonders, I might as well admit now that I killed JFK, and I also know what 'Rosebud' means, but since I'm dying I can't tell you! Sooo without further ado—ROOOSEBUUUUD! Thank you, and fuck off." (Dies)

X

"Well that was bitter."

Suddenly LUMINE reenters the plot.

Axl

"Who are you?"

Lumine

"I'm Mega Man Juno—err, I'm Lumine. Thank you very much for killing Sigma. Allow me to repay you by sending you on a first class trip to the extinction of everything you ever knew, loved or remotely cared about. Bitches."

Lumine ATTACKS. The Hunters are BEFUDDLED but they manage to get past his COPY ATTACKS.

X

"I don't understand! Why—"

Axl

"No, no, let me handle this, or else we'll be here forever. Lumine, why are you going Maverick? Is it…is it true? CAN New Gens go Maverick?"

Lumine

"What are you, stupid? I said 'no' like at the beginning of the game. Anyway, I'm taking over the world of my own free will, not due to any virus! I made Sigma build Jakob! I got the New Gens mass produced! And now I shall make a New World and genocide the bejesus out of anyone unworthy or anyone who smells like elephant! Evolution all the way, baby!"

Everyone On Earth

"HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT IT'S A PLOT IT'S A PLOT IT'S A PLOT!"

French Accented Capcom Execs

"Oh ho ho! Didn't see zat coming, deed you?"

The Hunters try to STOP this new-age HITLER, but Lumine suddenly turns into SEPHIROTH.

Evil Angels

(Sigh) "You're so going to have to pay us more to chant through another battle."

Lumine uses NIFTY ANGEL POWERS, and eventually gets PISSED.

Lumine

"Paradise Lost!"

Hunters

"Oooh, pretty lights!"

ONE CONTINUE LATER, the Hunters RETURN and fight Lumine AGAIN, and this time they KILL HIM BEFORE HE SUPERNOVAS THEIR ASSES.

Lumine

"Just wait…one day…though I die…la resistance…lives on!" (Dies)

Suddenly Axl is the victim of HOT TENTACLE ACTION and the Hunters RETURN TO JAKOB to go back to EARTH, where a PARTY is going down in the HIZZOUSE.

Pallette

"Way to stop those Maveick New-Gens!"

Axl

"That's it. I quit."

Layer

"Nice to see you Zero…come to me baby…"

Zero

"But my lips hurt real bad!"

Alia

"So the father thing wasn't true…I mean, I'm not even pregnant."

X

"Don't worry, I think I got enough IQ from this mission to actually know what to do the next time we try."

Signas

"Good job out there!"

THE FRIGGIN' END.