A/N: Hey guys! Here's a fanfiction that I wrote while reading Fangirl. I haven't read past the part where this fic is inserted into the plot, so I apologize if this doesn't line up with other stuff that might happen later on in the book (also, no spoilers, please). Cath and Levi were just too perfect for me to continue reading without fixing them first.
Disclaimer: Just like the world and characters of Simon Snow belong to Gemma T. Leslie, the world and characters of Fangirl belong to Rainbow Rowell.
I Wanted To Be the One
"Reagan saw Levi before Cath was even through the door. "Shit," Cath heard her whisper.
Cath stepped into the kitchen.
Levi was leaning back against the sink. (Levi. Always leaning.) He had a bottle of beer in one hand, the same hand he was pressing into a girl's back" (Rowell, 192).
Cath didn't know what she had expected. Why would he wait for her? They were complete opposites. She preferred to stay inside, writing fanfiction on her computer, and he liked going out and drinking, smoking, having sex, or whatever other people did. She couldn't have thought that he would wait around for her. Just because they had spent one night together and shared one kiss didn't mean anything.
Still, a knot formed in her stomach as she stood there, rooted to the spot. Her throat was suddenly dry.
"Shit," Reagan repeated, louder this time. Levi glanced at the door and his eyes widened in surprise.
"Cath," she heard him exclaim, but her eyes stayed fixated on the floor before her.
"I'm just gonna go…" Cath murmured and left the kitchen. She shouldn't have come. What was she thinking? She was never the party type. That was Wren's specialty, and she should have just left it at that.
"Wait! Cath," Levi shouted, his footsteps echoing behind her. Cath didn't turn around. She didn't owe him anything. She just kept walking.
"Cath… Cath?" Levi ran the next few steps until he was able to reach out and catch her shoulder.
Cath was stopped on her way to the front door as Levi forced her to look at him.
"Cather," he said, still wearing the smile he always had and tilted her chin up so that she met his eyes. That stupid grin. Why didn't Levi realize that he couldn't smile at everything? She didn't know why she found it so attractive….
Cath was captivated by his gaze for a few seconds before remembering that she was mad at him. "I just want to leave, okay?" She hadn't counted on her voice cracking and it caught her off guard. She could feel the first signs of tears sting the corners of her eyes.
"Cath, please. You just got here," Levi said, his smile fading.
She jerked her chin out of his fingers. "That doesn't change anything. You've really hurt my feelings and I'm just gonna go."
Cath winced as the room fell silent around them. She hadn't meant to be such a drama queen or to speak so loudly. Now, she was sure, Levi would never want to lie beside her again. She wasn't just a nerdy schoolgirl anymore. She was Cath; the girl who wanted to bring feelings into a casual relationship. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could she have thought that was okay?
"Wait for me in the car." Cath barely registered Reagan's shout over all of the thoughts swirling around in her head. Stupid. Why did she have to come? Stupid. Why couldn't her life have been a fanfiction where she could make all the characters act how she wanted them to act? She would have made sure she had made the right choice, or at least wouldn't have gotten herself into a situation as embarrassing as this. If she could have chosen the outcome, she would have ended up with Levi, right?
But she couldn't choose. Fate had already decided for her.
She trudged back to Reagan's car, jiggled the handle – it was open, thankfully – and collapsed into the passenger's seat. Then she started to cry. The tears came slowly at first and she wiped them away with her sleeve. This was silly. She shouldn't have felt so hurt. Levi was just a boy. One who didn't even deserve her. He obviously had other girls. She shouldn't have though that he needed her.
That didn't help her crying. Sobs racked her body and she drew her feet up on the car seat, letting her head rest between her knees. The tears fell more quickly, soaking spots on her skinny jeans. Her eyes felt red and swollen, but she didn't care. No one would see her, she hoped….
A hand rapped on the glass once, but Cath barely registered it. Again, the rap. She still didn't look up. The door opened and a draft of cold air blew in.
"Look, Cath, I'm really sorry. I didn't know that I would hurt you this much." At the sound of Levi's voice, Cath dried her cheeks and glared up at him.
"Year, well you should have thought about that before," she retorted. His hair, ruffled more than usual from the girl he had just been making out with, sent a pain through her chest. At least his smile had been wiped from his face. Cath wasn't sure she could have been able to stand him if he hadn't.
"I didn't know that you were going to show up. I mean, you didn't exactly text me back." Levi crouched down in the grass so that his eyes were level with hers. Not that Cath could look at him anyway.
"Oh? So if I hadn't showed, this would have all, somehow, been fine?" Cath shouted.
"We're not dating, you know. It's kind of impossible for me to cheat," Levi said.
"I know," Cath said and buried her head into her legs once more, muffling her words. "It's just that you kissed me last night. And I had hoped that maybe – just maybe – I was someone special. Not just another one of your casual hook-ups."
"Levi!" Cath heard Reagan scold. "I thought you said you were going to apologize, not make her feel any worse."
"I am apologizing!" Levi said.
"Then why is she still crying?"
Cath didn't hear a response from Levi, but felt the car jostle as Reagan climbed into the driver's seat and started the ignition.
"I really have to go, Levi, so why don't you shut the car door. You've traumatized poor Cath enough as it is," Reagan said.
Levi sighed. "If you'll give me a second chance, Cath, I can make it up to you. You are someone special and it was foolish of me to throw that away. I promise that I won't ever hurt you again like this," he whispered and paused. When Cath didn't answer, he tried again. "Can you forgive me, Cath?"
Her mind returned to last night and the time they had shared together. Levi's warmth, the rise and fall of his chest, her hoarse voice, and the softness of his lips as they pressed against hers. What she had felt then, she would love to be able to feel once more.
But for what price?
She didn't want to chance her heart getting broken. Not again. She didn't think she could bear it and besides… she was an ugly crier.
So she shrugged.
Not a definite "yes" or "no" – just a maybe. Maybe she could give him a chance, maybe she wouldn't. She just needed to get her shit together first.
"Okay… okay. Just, eh… think about it. Alright?"
She had caught Levi off guard, she knew and as the car sped away, she was thankful for Reagan's silence. She didn't need any questions.
All she needed now was to cry.
"Cath," Levi called. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Every day, he had chased after her, wanting to apologize further, but Cath hadn't wanted to listen. She had just put her earbuds in, cranked up the volume to her favorite Augustana album, and lowered her head as she walked. By now, she knew the campus' paths like the back of her hand. Unable to see or hear much around her, she made her way to the library, blowing him off.
She wound through the labyrinth of bookshelves until she found an abandoned corner. She sank to the floor and, leaning against the shelves, took out the laptop and resumed the familiar rhythm of her typing. Right now, only Simon and Baz could take her mind off of Levi. She still didn't know whether she should forgive him or not, so just like every other problem that she didn't know the answer to, she ignored it.
Hours later, when she had finished the next chapter of Carry On, she closed the lid of her laptop, wedged it into her backpack, and wove her way through the library, ambling towards the exit.
Back in her dorm building, the door to Reagan's and her room wasn't locked like it normally way. That's odd. Reagan usually didn't get back until later than this.
Cath stepped through the door and stopped in her tracks. Levi. Levi was in her room. Sleeping on her bed. With… flowers?
"Levi! What are you doing here?" Cath said.
His eyes flew open and he fell off the bed as he tried to stand up. The flowers fell to the ground, but he ignored them.
"You wouldn't listen to me." Levi yawned. "So I came here to talk."
"Okay, so talk," Cath snapped. "I haven't got all night." There it was again – her defense mechanism against falling for Levi. Being mean was her only way to keep away from the lure of his gaze.
Levi wasn't at all stopped by her rudeness.
"I'm here just to say again how sorry I am. This past week has made me realize how much I miss you. I'd love for things to go back to how they were before."
"As friends, or…"
"Sure. As friends," Levi said too quickly.
"But you brought me flowers?" Cath said.
Levi leaned down to pick up the bouquet and his hair flopped back, making it even more unkempt than before. Why did that have to make him even more attractive?
"It's nothing, really. I shouldn't have brought them. We'll just be friends. That's cool. But if you want, you can keep them, I guess. I don't have any use for them."
Cath held out her arms. "I might as well. They're here already."
Levi handed them over. "So do you forgive me? You don't have to say yes. I won't feel bad. You don't have to see me ever again."
Cath looked down at the bouquet and noticed a tag hanging there from a ribbon. She turned it over.
"Like Simon and Baz, you complete me," it read. "Love, Levi."
Love.
Despite all of her willpower, Cath felt herself walking across the dorm room to Levi. And draping her arms around his neck in a hug.
"Just friends?" she heard herself ask. "Or maybe more?" Her voice lowered as she caught him staring into her eyes.
Love, Levi.
"Thought you'd never ask." Levi's smile spread across his face. Its warmth only reminded her of how much she had missed it.
When his lips met hers, Cath's smile widened to match Levi's.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Please review :3