Disco Dancing
Author: Foryewhoartliterate
Axton dropped Brian's head in front of Claptrap. It was still dripping small droplets of blood onto the ground.
"Alright Claptrap." Axton said. "That's everything that you asked for. We brought you a metric fuck-ton of brown rocks, sort of, killed Ug-Thak Lord of Skags, pilfered the Lost Staff of Mount Schuller, and now we've brought you the freshly severed head of the Destroyer of Worlds, known in some circles as Brian. Now, can we please get the secret stash?"
"Not just yet my faithful minion. You still have to dance for my enjoyment! Mwhahaha!" He screamed, erupting into evil laughter.
"Right..." Axton said. "So how exactly do you want us to do that?"
"Oh right. Kinda need a dance floor for that. But don't worry minions, I had it taken care off. Walk this way!" He said rolling his way towards Moxxi's.
The Vault Hunters collectively shrugged and followed behind him.
As they entered Moxxi's the Vault Hunters noticed a number of things were different. Firstly, the tables were gone, replaced by an open dance floor. Secondly, there were more flashing lights than usual. Thirdly, Moxxi and Hammerlock were seated behind the bar at the far end of the floor. Claptrap rolled over to them and hopped up on a stool behind the bar.
"We'll be judging your performance minions! If you do we'll enough, you get the stash!"
"You've got to be kidding me..." Maya muttered.
"Alright." Gaige said. "Who here knows how to dance?"
All of the Vault Hunters just looked at her.
"Nobody?"
Axton and Maya both sheepishly raised their hands.
"Awesome. Good luck you two."
"Hold it." Axton said. "You can't just volunteer us like that."
"Sure I can."
"Come on." Maya protested. "We can't be the only ones who can dance... Zer0?"
A thumbs down appeared over the assassins visor.
"I am a killer/An assassin, if you will/I refuse to dance."
"Sal?"
"To short to dance with a partner."
"Gaige?"
"Pfft. Two left feet."
"Krie- Nevermind."
"Well Maya, I guess it's just you and me."
"Great..."
"Alright Claptrap. We'll dance."
"Not dressed like that you won't."
Maya sighed.
"And why not?"
"Because you look like you just tore through the bandit hordes of Pandora."
"Which is exactly what we've been doing..." She muttered.
"You need to to look presentable before you dance for the judges. Ask some of the other Vault Hunters if they've got anything you can borrow."
"Give me one good reason not to kill him now..." Maya said.
"Because he knows where the stash is and we don't." Gaige answered.
"Fine." She said. "I'll go talk to Lilith. Axton you go talk to Brick and or Mordecai and see if you can find anything."
"Got it."
The two unfortunate Vault Hunters made their way to the Crimson Raider HQ.
"Hey Lilith." Maya said knocking on the side of the open door.
"'Sup?" The other siren asked turning around.
"This is going to sound weird... but do you have any dresses?"
"Do I have any dresses?"
"Yeah."
"Why, might I ask, are you looking for a dress?"
"It's a long story and I'll tell you all about it later. Do you have one though?"
"Nope. Sorry kid. I'm not exactly the type for dressing up."
"I figured. Thanks anyway."
Maya turned around and went to find Axton and see how his luck had been.
She ran into him while turning the corner at the end of the hall.
"Sorry Ax I-... Is that... Are you really wearing that?"
Axton sighed.
"Get it out of your system." He said.
Maya burst out laughing at Axton's ridiculous outfit, which consisted of a pair of tight black pants, a black collared dress shirt, gold chain and a bright white jacket.
"You done now?" He asked.
"Yeah... I'm good." She said, still giggling a bit.
"Yeah... Well how was your luck?"
"Lilith didn't have anything."
"I figured as much. In that case you're gonna get a kick out of this..."
Axton held up an extremely small, low cut, sparkly blue dress.
"I... Where did you get that?"
"Brick."
"B-"
"Don't ask questions. Just put it on."
"I don't even think I can fit in that."
"Only one way to find out."
"I'm not wearing that." She protested.
"Oh yes you are. You want that stash just as bad as I do. And we've worked to damn hard to give up now."
"But..." She started to protest.
Axton glared at her.
"Fine. But you all owe me for this."
She grabbed the dress and walked into her room.
Back at Moxxi's...
"What's taking them so long?" Gaige asked herself.
Salvador and Krieg both shrugged and Zer0 put up a question mark on his monitor.
"There was a problem?/They could not find anything/Maybe- Oh my god."
"What's the matter amigo?" Salvador asked.
Zer0 pointed towards the door.
Standing there was Axton in the most ridiculous outfit this side of the 70's and Maya in a dress so revealing it almost wasn't worth wearing.
"Oh. My. God." Gaige said staring at Maya as she entered.
A :) flashed on Zer0's visor and Krieg yelled "Pretty lady!"
"Shut up." Maya growled at them.
"Minions! You've returned! And you look much hotter now!"
Maya's hand balled up into a glowing blue fist.
"Remember." Axton said. "We need him alive."
She released her grip and took a deep breath.
"Good. Now let's just get through this last quest and we're done."
Axton and Maya walked to the middle of the dance floor and the music started up... It was disco.
"You're fucking kidding..." Maya breathed.
"Hey, ain't nothin' wrong with the Bee Gees." Axton said with a stupid grin.
"There's everything wrong with the Bee Gees." She muttered as the two began to move.
Seeing as they hadn't rehearsed anything prior to stepping onto the dance floor, Maya simply let Axton take charge and she did her best to stay with him.
She just thanked the Angel that the song was fast paced, if she got stuck on a slower song with Axton she would have been pretty pissed off.
And because fate likes to fuck with Maya, that's exactly what happened next.
The track stopped abruptly and was replaced by a slower disco ballad.
"Hell no."
"Just stick with it Maya." Axton whispered. "We're almost done."
"Fine." She said grudgingly. "But if you try to pull anything I will kill you. Remember, I can melt your brain with a single thought."
"Noted." He responded. He then pulled her in closer.
"What the fuck did I just say?" She half whispered half screamed.
"I'm just making it convincing."
"When we're done here you're a dead man."
"Also noted."
A few moments later the song faded out and the two froze in place.
The Vault Hunters on the side applauded and so did Moxxi and Hammerlock; Claptrap however seemed unamused.
"And what exactly did we get?" Axton asked the judges panel.
"I give it a seven." Hammerlock said. "Good form but clearly unrehearsed."
"I give it an eight." Moxxi said. "But I think Maya's a ten." She added with a wink.
A slight blush crept onto Maya's face immediately after the comment.
"And Claptrap?" Axton asked.
"I give it a one. That was boring. I wanna see excitement!"
"I'm gonna-" Maya started.
"No you're not." Axton said holding her back. "I got this."
Axton walked back to the middle of the dance floor.
"Hit it!" He yelled.
The music started up again, a fast paced disco song blaring out of the bar's speakers.
"He's gonna make a fool of himself isn't he?" Gaige asked.
"Probably." Salvador answered.
Axton started moving, and to say that it looked odd would have been an understatement.
He used moves that hadn't been in style in years, and some probably never had been.
(Look. If you want a visual reference of what was going through my head at the time go find the clip of John Travolta dancing to "You Should Be Dancing" from Saturday Night Fever. Trust me its worth it.)
After a good three minutes of thrusting, squirming, shaking, and god-knows-what-else, the music stopped and Axton froze.
Claptrap and Krieg erupted into applause and the rest of the bar tried their best not to vomit.
Axton walked off the dance floor with a huge grin on his face.
"Good going killer." Gaige said patting his shoulder.
"Yeah... Great going." Maya echoed.
"That sucked skag nuts." Salvador not so subtlety added.
"Hey, if you think it was painful to watch imagine how I felt doing it."
"That was intentional?"
"Of course it was, Claptrap is annoying and doesn't have any taste, so I figured he'd enjoy something as awful and tasteless as him, and what do you know; I'm pretty sure it worked. Now all we need is for Claptrap to tell us where the stash is."
"Minions!" Claptrap said. "Follow me back to my place and I'll tell you all about my stash!"
"See? It worked."
The Vault Hunters did as they were told, followed Claptrap and shortly thereafter arrived at Claptrap's place.
"Minions! You have proven most valuable! You brought me all of those wonderful brown rocks, a killed a giant skag, pilfered the Lost Staff of Mount Schuller, brought me the HEAD OF THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS, also known as Brian, and you danced in a way most pleasing to my visual receptor. As your reward I shall give you access to my stash... After you do just one more quest for me."
"Hell no!" Maya yelled. "We are not doing anymore of your damn quests."
She slammed her fist onto the wall behind her for effect.
The wall then came falling down revealed a rusted old locker. A sign above it proclaimed "Claptrap's Secret Stash".
The Vault Hunters looked at the broken, rusty old locker for a few brief moments and then turned towards Claptrap.
"That's it? That's the awesome secret stash, hidden, and I quote, very far away from this place?"
"Now minions... Lets not do anything we might regret..."
"Oh I'm not going to regret this at all..." Maya said, her arm glowing bright blue.
"What about you my other, favorite and much more forgiving, minions? You're not just going to let her attack me are you?"
"Nope." Said Axton. "I'm going to help."
"Ok maybe not you but what about you assassin minion?"
Zer0's visor showed a thumbs down.
"Short, angry, heavy drinking minion?"
Salvador cocked a shotgun.
"Small redheaded minion?"
Gaige shook her head and summoned Deathtrap.
"Giant genetic abomination minion?"
"Strip the bolts!"
"Oh skag crap..."
Claptrap then did the only thing he knew how to do when he got himself stuck in a bad situation; he ran.
Claptrap flew like the wind across the city of Sanctuary while the Vault Hunters gave chase.
They were determined to catch him, and then they would kill him, in as many horrifying ways as they possibly could.
Foryewhoartliterate: But wasn't it worth all the experience?
Gaige: I almost got murdered by a boulder, poison darts, aggressive natives, and a flaming hell snake! Why was there a flaming hell snake?!
Axton: I served six tours with the Dahl military and none of it compares to the living hell that was collecting brown rocks.
Maya: Fuck skags, fuck the destroyer of worlds, fuck Claptrap, and fuck that dress.
Axton: That's seems to be an awful lot of fucking for someone who-
Maya: Brain. Melted. Is that really what you want?
Axton: I'll shut up now.
Sal: Brian was fun to punch.
Krieg: Strip the flesh! Salt the wounds! Feast on the small yellow box's juicy robot innards!
Zer0: That was just awful/Never again, not a chance/I really hate you.
Foryewhoartliterate: Screw you guys.
Foryewhoartliterate: And now a word from the co-authors…
thewhitepatch: Thank you all for reading this collaboration! It was really fun! Time to do that thing fanfiction writers do where they meet up with the main characters of the thing they wrote! How are you all feeling?
Zer0:...Who are you?
Axton: What do you mean?
Maya: Fanfiction? As in writing?
Gaige: We aren't real? We were just created for your sick entertainment?!
thewhitepatch:...Actually, you guys aren't even the original-
Salvador: GUYS I'M HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS!
Krieg: MEEEEEEAAAAATTTT!
thewhitepatch: Ok this was a bad idea…Read Wayward Son! (runs away)
Hi, I'm Civilized Lee, and as I scramble to polish up some of my own projects in a spastic fit that would rival Dr. Tannis, I'd like to say thanks for dropping by and reading! With Valentine's Day so close, perhaps you would like to check out some of the romance fics I've written! Or, if the concept of human "wuv" confuses and infuriates you, I also have a selection of non-romantic stories. I can guarantee* you won't regret it!
(*not a guarantee)
WhimsicalMayhem here! How are you all doing? Well, thanks for reading this; its a real piece of work, with all these awesome authors and then little old me ^.^ ANYWAYS if your into a good laugh or two, check out some of my fanfictions. Strip Poker part II is going to be coming out shortly, so theres that.
Now, heres a thing! You know, for Valentines Day
Salvador: I'll show you EXACTLY what i'm compensating for, Valentine ;D
Axton: You can handle my turret anytime, Valentine.
Zer0: My darling flower,/ nothing compares to you, /Be my Valentine 3
Kreig: LOOOOVE YOOOOOOU
Gaige: This arm vibrates you know, Valentine.
Maya: I'll show you what a Sweet Release really looks like, Valentine.
(WhimsicalMayhem written, Moxxie approved)
Credits
Introduction- ForYeWhoArtLiterate
Rock Collecting- thewhitepatch
Skag Slaying- Civilized Lee
Lost Staff Pilfering- WhimsicalMayhem
Destroyer of World Destroying- thewhitepatch
Disco Dancing- ForYeWhoArtLiterate
I thank you all for reading. We had a great time putting this together.
I'd like to thank my three co-authors and lovelivelife for giving me the idea to try and do this. I'd also like to thank the people who volunteered to help but for whatever reason couldn't commit to the project.
Edited by Foryewhoartliterate