You're Not Driving

SUMMARY: When Levi joined the force, he thought he'd been nabbing baddies left and right, a dark knight in a city full of criminals. Too bad he's stuck at his desk punching numbers for the actual idiots who are. Then, along comes Mikasa Ackerman. Platonic Rivamika, buddy cop comedy AU.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I blame the Will Ferrell movies I've been watching as of late.

Remember my colossal mess of a series, "Let's Play Pretend"? Initially, I had been torn between a comedy series or a more serious one. The latter option won out in the end, but I guess here's what would have happened if I'd gone with the comedy.

DISCLAIMER: Don't own.

"Levi." Erwin passed by his desk, tapping the wood with a finger. "A word in my office, please."

The man in question sighed dramatically, logging out of his poorly-concealed game of solitaire. He was just about to get out of his chair when he heard the slamming of the office door behind him accompanied by loud cheering.

"We just nabbed our fifth bad guy!" Eren Jaeger strode into the office, one arm thrown over the shoulder of his partner, Jean Kirschtein. They wore matching leather jackets embroidered with a pair of wings on the back. Needless to say, they were the most tasteless people Levi had ever met.

Kirschtein lowered his ever-present aviator sunglasses to wink at Historia Reiss who only rolled her eyes in reply. "We're heroes," he said, emphasizing the last word. "Hey, Levi!"

Levi curled into himself at the mention of his name. "What?"

"How you doing?" The pair walked over to his desk and Jaeger slammed a hand on it. "You doing your part to ensure the safety of our wonderful city?"

"I'd be doing a much better job if you didn't just spill coffee all over my files." Levi eyed the spreading stain with displeasure.

"Sorry about that," said Jaeger, not looking at all that sorry. "We're just really tired. After, you know, all the crazy thank-you sex we had. As a, you know, thank-you for our service to the city?"

"With each other?" Levi deadpanned. "When I told you to go fuck yourself, I didn't mean it literally." He snickered at his own joke, but the humour was apparently lost on the duo who only looked at each other confusedly.

"Levi!" Erwin stood in the doorway of his office. "I'd like to talk to you sometime today, please."

"Ooohh." Kirschtein wiggled his fingers mockingly. "You're in trouble."

Levi ignored the two and walked into Erwin's office. When he closed the door behind him, Erwin gestured to one of the empty chairs in front of his desk. The other was occupied by someone Levi knew very, very well.

"Levi, this is Mikasa Ackerman."

She looked up at him and pursed her lips. "We've met."

Erwin blinked, apparently surprised by this turn of events. "Oh, have you?"

Mikasa nodded. "We used to date."

He nodded understandingly. "I'm sorry."

Levi's jaw dropped before he could stop it. "What is this?" He asked. "'Shit-on-Levi Day'?"

Erwin cleared his throat uncomfortably, subtly shifting his calendar underneath a thick stack of files. Levi pretended he didn't notice. "Anyways, I called you in here for a very specific reason."

Mikasa huffed, drawing her arms tighter around her chest. It was a nice chest, Levi remembered. He missed that chest. "What is it?"

Erwin tented his fingers, staring at the two worriedly. "I want to make Levi a field agent." At the confession, Mikasa immediately sat up.

"No way."

Erwin nodded. "Your other partner is in the hospital right now and I don't really want you working on your own—not since the Great Pigeon Incident of '09—so I've decided to pair the two of you up, even if it's only temporarily." He sat back in his chair, almost as if he was waiting for one of them to blow up.

Levi didn't say a word, too shocked by the sudden announcement. Ever since he'd entered the police academy, he'd wanted nothing more than to become a field agent. Unfortunately, his assessment marked him as someone who was absolute shit when it came to teamwork and didn't really respond too well to instruction. Now, the force was filled with meatheads like Jaeger and Kirschtein, idiots who were only in it for the glory and ability to wear matching jackets without looking like gigantic douchebags. "When do we start?"

"Hang on a second," Mikasa piped up, silencing Levi with a wave of her hand. He bristled immediately, all too used to her cutting him off. "Why don't I get any say in this?"

"You do," replied Erwin. "You can say yes and start now, or say no and get reduced to office duty."

Mikasa shuddered. "Okay, fine."

Erwin swiveled his chair away from the duo—Levi knew it had been a bad idea to chip in and buy him the damn thing last Christmas. "You're on duty now. I'll expect you to patrol the city. The titan gang is up to no good again, and we want eyes on them."

Mikasa sighed, unfolding her body from its curled up position in the chair. "We'll see you later, Erwin."

"Best of luck to the both of you."

Levi followed Mikasa outside the office where Kirschtein and Jaeger had been listening the entire time. "You're an officer now!" Crowed Jaeger, who was immediately silenced by a glare from Mikasa, his adoptive sister.

"Shut up," she said grouchily. "I'm not in the mood to hear you talk right now." She directed the last comment at Kirschtein who took every opportunity to try and woo her, despite the fact that he was already committed to Armin from accounting. "We're going. Come on, Levi."

"Good luck getting those bad guys!" Called out Jaeger. "Maybe if they see you, they'll laugh so hard, they'll just willingly give themselves in!"

As revenge, Levi stole Jaeger's coffee from his desk and quickened his pace to catch up to Mikasa who was headed toward the parkade. "I hate those guys."

"One of those guys is my brother."

"I especially hate that guy."

She didn't answer, pushing the door open. "I'm driving."

"No, I'm driving."

She stopped and turned around to face him, swinging a ring of keys around her finger. "I'm the one with the keys so I'm driving."

"You're also the one who gets to hold the gun, so I'm driving." Levi pointed to the weapon she usually held concealed inside her jacket. "It's called shotgun for a reason."

She tossed him the keys half-heartedly and they clattered to the pavement.

"Are you going to pick that up?" He asked her, placing his coffee on the top of the car.

"No," she replied, gloomily opening the passenger door and sliding into the car. "You can pick it up."

Levi sighed—for what felt like the fiftieth time that day and bent down. Keys in hand, he made himself comfortable in the vinyl seat and put the key into the ignition before promptly freezing up.

"What's wrong?" Asked Mikasa, noticing his sudden change in demeanor.

"Nothing," he replied curtly.

Her eyes narrowed. "Something's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong." He began to sweat nervously, a bad habit he'd developed in high school and hadn't quite managed to shake since.

"Don't tell me…"

"Don't say it!"

"You're—"

"I'm not listening to this. I don't have to listen to this."

"—too short to reach the pedal?" There was a slight smile on her face and when Levi reacted exactly the way she expected him to, she started to chortle.

"Oh god," Levi put a hand over his face, "you said it."

"I can't believe it." She stared into the distance, stunned. The corners of her lips quirked up in a smile. "Do you want me to help you adjust the seat?"

"Go to hell," he grumbled, jerking the seat adjuster. It hardly moved and Levi had to jam at the contraption several times. "Shit."

"Do you need help?" Mikasa watched him with an amused expression. "I can help you."

"No." Holding onto the wheel, he pulled the seat forward. "I got it."

Mikasa shrugged, leaning her head against the window. "Let's get going."

Contrary to popular belief—his belief, actually—Levi was a terrible driver. It had nothing to do with his height and absolutely everything to do with his road rage, lack of signalling, and tendency to follow incredibly closely behind people he thought were moving too slow. Throwing the car into what he thought was drive, Levi slammed on the gas—apparently still bitter about the recent turn of events—and practically threw the car into the concrete wall behind them.

"Who the hell taught you how to drive?" Mikasa asked irritably, rubbing the back of her head. Looking up at the windshield, she let out a low groan. There was coffee all over it. "You forgot your cup."

"We've never talking about this again," said Levi, this time, staring at the stick-shift before changing gears. He drove out of the lot with relative ease, though that was probably due to the fact that there were very few cars in there, and headed out onto the road.

The police radio crackled to life. All units in the Greater Maria area. We have the titan gang in pursuit. Suspects are driving a red van and are headed towards the corner of Trost and Shiganshina.

"That's us," said Mikasa, tightening her grip on the handles inside the car. Her body lifted a little off the seat with excitement and Levi only rolled his eyes at her. "Put the siren on."

"It's under your seat."

"What do you mean it's under my seat? I thought all police cars came equipped with sirens."

"This is Erwin we're talking about here," said Levi. "He'd replace his own children with robots if it saved him money."

Grumbling, his new partner reached under her seat. Her face twisted with disgust as her hands probably came into contact with whatever disgusting things previous officers kept under there. Levi would have hazarded a guess as to rotten food, but when she drew her hand out, it was clean.

"There were tissues down there," she said, holding the light in her hand.

"A tissue box? Put it up here."

"I think I cut my hand on them."

"I really did not need to know that," said Levi, making a particularly sharp turn around a corner. "Turn the siren on."

"Where do I put it?"

"I don't know." He stopped the car near the corner of Trost and Shiganshina, alert and waiting for the red van to cross his line of vision. "Hold it or something."

"I don't want to hold this thing. It looks like a flashlight."

"Can you just shut up for a second?" Levi gripped the wheel irritably. "I need to concentrate."

"What, you need your ears to look for a red van?"

"I'm not talking to you."

Mikasa huffed impatiently. "Apparently you do need your ears to look because you just missed it."

"What?" Levi looked out the window and sure enough, a red van sped past them, followed by several other vehicles. "Shit!" Not having learnt his lesson, Levi floored the car once again, throwing them into the middle of traffic as they pursued the red van. "The siren!"

"This is ridiculous." Against anyone's better judgement, Mikasa opened the car—while it was speeding, no less—and attached the magnetic bottom to the side. With one hand holding onto the inside handle, she used the other to flick the siren on.

"I see them," growled Levi. Turning the wheel sharply, Levi practically drifted in the middle of the intersection, following the red van into a smaller sidestreet. Their car began to gain speed and soon caught up to the van. "Mikasa, your gun!"

Without even pausing to think, she withdrew the weapon from her jacket and once again, opened the car door while the vehicle was still in motion. Using one hand to anchor herself to the car, she aimed at the red van and shot once, twice, three times.

"Nice shot."

She blew the top of the muzzle almost dramatically. "I'm the best shot on the force," she said without a hint of arrogance. It was probably a fact anyways.

However, what the pair hadn't noticed was that the red van began to swerve from the impact of the bullets and without warning, it pitched forward and flipped. It rolled for several metres, finally coming to rest in front of a jewelry store. And then it burst into flames.

Frantically, Mikasa wrestled the wheel from Levi and turned the car away from most of the damage. "Erwin is going to kill us."

EXTRA?

Mikasa walked into the dark interrogation room and slung her leather jacket over the top of one of the metal chairs, making sure to expose her upper back and the coiling dragon tattoo that spanned the lightly scarred skin. Kicking the chair around to face her, she roughly stomped one foot on it and stared into the eyes of the interviewee. "Listen here, bud." Her voice was low, but no less dangerous. "You're going to tell me exactly what I want to hear."

The man, tall with scraggly blond hair, only smirked at her. "Not a chance, doll."

Rolling her eyes, Mikasa plopped into the chair, its back facing the table. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out her trusty jackknife and began cleaning her nails. "You sure about that?"

The man eyed the blade in her hands wearily. "I have nothing to say to you."

"Oh crap," said Mikasa, apparently not listening to her prisoner, "I forgot to clean the blood off of this."

The man opened his mouth to begin speaking and would have probably told Mikasa everything she wanted to hear if the door hadn't flung open at that very moment. Levi stood in the doorway, wielding a long, thin object in one hand. Strutting in, he slammed the door behind him and stood closely behind the man.

Mikasa glared at her partner, half confused by his sudden entrance, but mostly angry at his terrible sense of timing.

"Looks like my partner hasn't gotten you to spill," he said, leaning in near the man. "Guess you'll need some motivation." He waved the object in his hand and it was only then that Mikasa realized it was a curling iron, probably stolen from Hanji Zoe in PR. "You see this?"

The man nodded slowly.

Levi leaned in closer. "This is a new torture device," he whispered. "Only those of us in the Inner Circle of the force know about it." He held up the curling iron to eye level. "This can reach temperatures of nearly forty degrees. I wonder how that would feel up your ass?"

"That's a curling iron," said the man.

"No, it's a newly-developed torture device. And if you don't believe me, there's plenty of other things I can shove up your ass if you don't tell me what I want to hear."

"That's a curling iron. My girlfriend has the exact same one."

Mikasa felt the life drain out of her and slapped a hand to her forehead, slowly dragging it down her face. She could practically feel the heat of Erwin's glare from behind the one-way glass situated to her right. "Levi, a word."

Levi stepped back from the man. "What?"

"What the hell are you doing?" She whisper-yelled at him, knowing full-well that the man was probably listening in on their every word.

"I'm playing the bad cop," replied Levi. "Like we said."

"I'm supposed to be the bad cop. You're the good cop."

"That's not what I heard. You weren't listening again."

"I'm always the bad cop," said Mikasa. "I'm the bad cop and Bert's always the good cop."

"So what, we had two bad cops?" Levi scoffed at his partner. "What the hell are we supposed to accomplish with two bad cops?"

"If you two lovebirds are done arguing," the man chimed in, "I think I'd rather talk to the short guy with the curling iron."

"It's a torture device."

Mikasa rubbed her temples, feeling the imminence of an oncoming migraine. "Listen here," she growled out. "I've had a really bad day."

"Haven't we all," mumbled Levi, who was quickly silenced by Mikasa's ferocious glare.

"I got partnered with this idiot, I blew up a car using a handgun, and I lost my driver's license," she rattled it off like a list. "Not to mention the fact that I haven't been laid in three months and my brother's friend—not even my brother—keeps bringing his boyfriend back to my place."

"That sucks," said the man, nodding sympathetically.

Mikasa slammed her hand on the metal table, eyes blazing. "It does. So do me a favour and tell me where your boss' hideout is and I won't shove that curling iron up your ass."

"So you admit it's a curling iron."

From his spot in the area just outside the interrogation room, Erwin quickly picked up his papers and moved away, narrowly avoiding the metal table that came crashing through the one-way glass only seconds later.