Chris Redfield wanted it to be him.

Chris knew it was better for it to be him instead of her.

He wondered if he even deserved to live after seeing Jill give her life for him.

It was because of that stupid feud between him and his archenemy Albert Wesker that his long-time partner and best friend, Jill Valentine had given her life for him.

He couldn't sleep consistently. Day after day, night after night, he'd be haunted by that moment.

Chris concluded and fully accepted at that time that he had fallen hard for his partner. Though he felt it, he didn't want his attraction to his partner to ruin it for them both. Besides, what time would they have for romance, even if they gotten together in a different time interval?

Furthermore, he always knew her to be a serious no-nonsense woman that puts duty before dating any day of the week. He didn't necessarily blame her for this trait. In fact, it is very dignified and disciplined of her.

But Chris had forgotten one thing: Everybody lives once.

This included himself and Jill. If only he had acted sooner. If only...

He lost her and along with it, his only chance. He lost it forever.

There were a few people who helped him keep his sanity. His sister Claire and his new partner Sheva but they would never be enough to close the void caused by the loss of his best friend and partner, Jill Valentine. He felt responsible.

Chris knew he had to move on eventually. But he didn't want to ever forget his beloved partner.

On a night, Chris couldn't sleep, he took out something out of the pocket of his battlefield vest. It was an old picture.

It was the picture of him and Jill when they were first assigned as partners. They were good friends even before their partnership.

He stared at the picture for the longest time. Chris could almost recall her sweet voice from back then. He remembered the beanie she wore fondly, even though he thought that it ruined how she looked.

Nobody would ever be Jill Valentine but Jill Valentine herself, Chris thought. Even if there were another woman named Jill, she'd be light years away from who Jill Valentine was.

Chris didn't realize it until a drop of salty water hit the picture; he had been crying. There was nothing he could do to hold back the tears. This apartment they once shared together...was now all his...but that didn't matter to him. He wanted his Jill Valentine back but this wasn't a Nintendo Game. There was no re-spawning in real life.

Chris, for a time, wondered if this was how he's going to be the rest of his life; doomed to be haunted by his ineptitude of being unable to save himself that made him pay by losing Jill. He wondered if he was doomed to roam the damned planet in misery knowing he was the cause of his partner's death.

Chris looked skyward to the ceiling and wondered why he was even still alive. He was a lost soul, waiting to be taken in by God, if He even existed. If there was indeed a God, he could only hope and pray that He taken her home to Heaven and kept her safe and sound until it was his time.

Chris sighed as he puts away the photo before staring at it one last time.

He then muttered a single phrase, "Jill...sometimes I just think it's better if I was the one who died that day..."

The night went on for what seemed to be an eternity. He did not get a single wink of sleep, too caught up in his grief. The only one who could cure his perpetual sadness was his partner, Jill Valentine.

But it was impossible; she was dead.

My first story and my thoughts are...that I just want to gouge my eyes out looking at it about a year later...