In short, don't flame me for your own narrow-minded viewpoint if you don't approve of the subject matter, and please don't sue me for playing in someone else's playground. Thank you.
(edited: May 2, 2003)
Not Human
The White Rabbit
Touya had the most gentle, most kind look on his face when he said those words to me. He was so concerned, and then he was just sweet as he smiled at me and said, "I know you're not human."
I wanted to cry. How could he say that about me? If I wasn't human, what was I? What--?
While I was still in shock, shattered by those simple words, my eyes slipped closed against my will yet again and the darkness took over.
It was dark outside and I was back in the same room I had blacked out in. This time Touya was the one laying in bed and I sat on the chair by his side, feeling better than I had in months. I tried to remember when I had noticed I was feeling weak, but every time I tried to concentrate on the question my mind drifted off to other areas. I leaned forward and put my head in my hands, trying to figure out what was going on.
Those words kept echoing through my head. Not human he had said. I was not human. That didn't make any sense though. Then again, nothing made sense anymore. I kept blacking out and getting weak and I couldn't help but feel that there was something vitally important going on that I was missing. Like everyone around me knew something about me that I couldn't. And then the words crashed back on me.
Not human.
I stood up and started pacing, trying to get the thought out of my mind. I tried to smile and make everyone around me happy, but inside I was feeling very lost lately. I realized that I had been wandering around confused about a lot of things and used my cheer to disguise it. I felt like something was somehow missing. Now I wondered if it was because I'm not human.
"What's wrong with me?"
I was terrified. I was bewildered. I was sad. I was lonely. It felt like my reality was shattering around me and showing me glimpses of a world that everyone but me knew already. What was I supposed to do now? How was I supposed to deal with this information? Who was I, really?
Words formed slowly, reluctantly in my mind. You are--we are...the masterpiece of a great artist. His medium just happened to be magic.
What was that supposed to mean? It was a phrase that felt as familiar as my favorite pajamas and as soothing as a chocolate cake, but there was no context for the emotional bond I formed with those words. It was a little scary, but it almost felt like a relief to know I'd finally get some answers.
I need to explain a few things to you, yes. You deserve some answers. Today Touya gave all of his magic to us to save--to save you. We were dying. I'm sorry.
What? I knew something had been wrong, but it didn't make sense. I was afraid I was dying, but the fear had been shoved aside, almost against my will it seemed. Oh. Then, how did Touya's magic make it all better? That was impossible, wasn't it?
We were dying because we didn't have enough magic. I am a magical creation, Yukito, and you are...you are part of me. Without enough magic to support my form and my own magic I can't exist.
I had...I had taken Touya's magic? I had stolen that shining thing that let him see his mother's ghost and let him sleep easy at night, knowing Sakura was safe? I felt so selfish for taking that from him just so I could leech off of him. It wasn't right! How could I have been--created--so that I had to steal that precious thing from someone so kind and wonderful to me?
Stop. Please...I--I had been willing to fade away because of that. I would rather not exist than take something that important from anyone by force. I couldn't do that any more than you could. When the magic flowed between us I could tell, he did it out of love. He cares for you very deeply and he gave his gift willingly. He didn't say it out loud, but I got the impression that he would have given his life to save yours.
I settled back, placated. I was very relieved to find out I wasn't part of some monster or something. Yet...what kind of magic creature did that make me? Or us? Or...him? If this other being in my head was the magic creature...what did that make me? Was I a puppet? Was I possessed?
One question at a time. I'll answer, but you may not like what you hear.
I looked back down at Touya and my heart melted with a sweet pain. So many times I had hoped he was trying to tell me--something else. Now I knew that it must have been this. That I'm not human. And he knew it all along even when I didn't. How would he ever love me like I love him if I'm not even human? I strengthened my resolve and realized that even if I didn't like what I learned, I needed to know the truth.
I was created a long time ago by a very powerful magician. I was one of his guardians. When he died I was left to guard the magic he had stored in a set of cards. Sakura has those cards now, so I am her guardian. You are my false form.
My whole body went cold. False form? I didn't like the sound of that. What about my entire life before? I was a little boy once! How could this magic creation have once been inside that little boy?
I created those memories. None of them are real. I wanted you to fit in so you could be close to the cards when I was needed. You needed a past, so I made one up.
This was a nightmare, right? I would wake up, right where I saw Touya laying, and then Touya would ask me what was wrong, I'd tell him I was fine, and life would be back to normal. Right?
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to hear any more. It was too much, too painful.
I would take that pain away from you, if you will.
It was abominable and yet appealing to think of that pain being so easily erased. This other part of me...this "true" form...had so much control over me. Could manipulate every thought and memory I had. And yet...he wanted me to be happy.
No, I won't erase your pain. It wouldn't be fair, and it wouldn't be right, and I can't manipulate your feelings. Only memories and sometimes thoughts...but I don't even want to do that to you anymore. I just meant, you should look at things this way. Touya gave up a lot for you tonight. He must care for you very deeply. That alone is a reason to be happy.
This other--whoever he was--was right. Touya loved me on some level, even if it was just brotherly love. He loved me enough to give up his precious magic for me. For me. I couldn't help but feel honored. I sat down on the edge of the chair, leaning over Touya and grinning like an idiot. There was hope.
The other person--my true form?--was silent. I just sat and contemplated the planes and angles of Touya's face for a small eternity, knowing I wouldn't get this kind of opportunity again any time soon. I just watched over him, grateful for all he had done and content for now with that. He saved my life.
What more could I ask?
I almost jumped when I realized Touya was looking back at me. I had no idea how long his eyes had been open, but I know I blushed when I saw his eyes glittering with amusement. My thoughts hadn't exactly been pure when he woke up, and that was probably why it took me a few moments to realize he was looking back at me. I sat up, pulling back guiltily. He was smiling though, so I tried to smile back.
I tried really hard.
I gave up and went with concern--that came more easily as I looked at his weakened state. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine now, just a little tired." His voice sounded rough, and weaker than before.
I just nodded, looking down at my hands. I had never felt this awkward with him--he had been my best friend for years. Finally I couldn't hold the words in anymore. "You saved my life, didn't you?"
He sat up slowly, then looked me in the eye. "I guess I did. I couldn't just sit back and let you fade away into nothing though."
"I'll never be able to thank you enough."
That's when he smiled at me and said, "What are friends for?"
It was just like him to turn something so serious into something he could dismiss so simply. "But--your power, your magic! What about seeing your mother and--"
"Shhh...I know what I did, Yuki. I know exactly what I gave up, and I'd do it all over again."
I felt this overwhelming urge to cry and apologize, but I knew Touya better than that. It would only make him uncomfortable. "Thank you," I said with the steadiest voice I could manage. "Do you want me to walk you home? If you're as tired as I have been it might be a good idea."
He sighed heavily as if he had a thought that depressed him. "What about her? Has she pestered you about the film?"
I just laughed. I had been left alone the whole time, Akizuki Nakuru had been suitably frightened away by Touya earlier. I was about to say as much when the door opened with a soft knock.
"Is everything okay here?" It was that boy...the one in Sakura's class. It took me a moment to remember his name, but he looked at me and suddenly the name popped into my mind. Hiiragizawa Eriol.
"I just woke up," Touya answered and I simply nodded.
"Nakuru-chan wanted me to ask if the movie could be finished tomorrow afternoon, after school. You are welcome to come back then."
"We only have that one scene left, To-ya. Will you be up to it?" I smiled, concerned but trying not to be too solicitous. The tables had suddenly turned, and I kept in mind how I had felt. It had been a comfort to me to know that Touya had been worried, but it embarrassed me to be fussed over.
Touya smiled a little in return and I knew I had said it just right. "It won't leave much time for editing, but I don't think we have a choice. I'll be fine, but I should get home and get to bed soon."
"If you can wait a moment I fixed food for you two."
As soon as he mentioned food I felt that familiar hunger well up. It wasn't quite as intense as it had been the last few months, but it was enough that I had to eat soon, and I knew I'd be eating a lot as soon as I got started. I chewed my lower lip, debating with myself. Could I make it all the way home before the hunger took me over, or should I risk awakening my appetite here and be stuck eating while Touya dropped from exhaustion again?
My concerns were soon set aside as Akizuki-san brought in a tray almost overflowing with food. I winced, expecting another scene with her. I waited for her to hand off the tray to me and jump on the bed, wrapping her arms around Touya yet again and maybe feeding him in his weakened state. I felt a wave of possessiveness go through me, but I reminded myself that I had no right. Not only was she female, but also human--as neither, how could I hope to have a claim on Touya's heart?
She didn't act anything like I had come to expect. She simply set the tray down on the bedside table and smiled saying, "I hope you enjoy it--both of you!" Her smile did not decrease in magnitude when she smiled at me this time, and she simply left after that.
I know that at some point I picked my jaw up off of the floor because I needed it to devour the food she had brought. Every bite was delicious, it was all very filling, and for the first time ever Touya matched me bite for bite. At one point I was aware that Eriol had left, excusing himself when he realized we wouldn't be any good for conversation. We ate in silence until it was all gone and Touya deferred the last bite to me, rubbing his belly ruefully.
"I couldn't stop eating, but that was just too much. I'll gain five pounds just from this one meal I think."
For me though, it had been just enough so I wasn't hungry. I realized I had never been able to eat until I was full, even though I ate enough to make anyone that didn't know me to stare in shock. I realized that this must be related to my not being human, and essentially eating for two beings. The thought killed my appetite further and I decided I had had enough for one night.
"We should get you home before your father worries about you, To-ya."
"All that food did give me a bit more energy. I think I can make it there without stopping now. Thank you."
The boy, Eriol, met us in the hall and walked us out, wishing us a good night. I was happy to be away from there actually. Akizuki-san (I couldn't bring myself to call her by given name, even in my own thoughts) was still there and probably only waiting for the sting of Touya's rebuff to wear off before she glomped him again. Putting thoughts of her aside though, Eriol made me nervous today. I knew somehow that he was friendly, probably very nice, and he always smiled so kindly--but he made me nervous in a way I couldn't explain, and only right now.
I shrugged it off as we walked to Touya's house. Tomorrow things would be back to normal, then at the end of the week we would have the festival and everything would be behind us. At least, I hoped they would. Still, after everything that happened today I wondered if I would ever feel "normal" again.
By the end of the week I was forced to realize that things were never going to be anywhere close to what I had come to think of as normal. It was when I stepped foot in my house that I actually realized it. My first thought was to wonder how my grandparents were and if they were enjoying their cruise. I was smiling at how much they were still in love, wondering if Touya would--when I stopped cold. When was the last time I saw my grandparents? What were their names? Ages? What did they look like? Were they the parents of my mother or my father???
I panicked, realizing for the first time that they had been made up as an excuse for me to have a place to live and seem something resembling normal. My God, where was the money actually coming from to pay taxes, to buy food, for utilities...? My head began to spin and I had to lean against the wall. This is what it meant to be not human. I was utterly alone and technically just fooling myself with carefully placed delusions. I groaned in horror, trying not to analyze it too far. Did I really want to know how far this "not human" thing went?
I realized that suddenly I was Alice in Wonderland, staring at the rabbit hole wondering how far down it went. I giggled at the thought. I couldn't be Alice. I was the white rabbit. I drew my name in kanji to prove it--Yuki Usagi--the snow bunny, the white rabbit. Then I was sure that if I kept myself busy I wouldn't drive myself insane trying to puzzle it out all at once. I wasn't the white queen or the red queen--whichever one it was who could believe impossible things. I was the White Rabbit who kept busy and accepted things in small doses until the insanity seemed normal.
The week passed in a blur as I dashed from one thing to the next. At lunch I allowed myself to pause for introspection while I made sure Touya stayed awake just long enough to eat, and then I guarded him while he took a nap. Neither of us spoke much. He was too tired and I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. I was sure he could tell I wasn't ready to talk about it quite yet--but soon. I would need to soon. But not yet.
It was the images of the film that finally brought me out of it. Touya was sitting next to me, stronger and better rested than he had been since...since that day. His lines from Akizuki-san's script reminded me of what had happened. "I know what you really are." My grasp on reality began to slip just out of reach yet again. I couldn't watch any more, so I looked down, speaking softly and slowly to the only one who would understand.
"...not human..." I mused, bothered yet again by those simple words that had so drastically changed my world. "Those times I'm not aware of...the other me takes over." I could feel Touya listening beside me, I knew he had been waiting for this--waiting to talk to me about this. I had to get out the worst part, the part that no lunch-time introspection could get me past. "Everything I remember is a lie."
"No." He corrected softly. "Everything you remember since we met is real." I looked into his eyes and my breath caught on the lump in my throat. "I'm not really sure what you are," he admitted, "but as long as you're here with me, that's fine."
My heart raced when I heard those words. He accepted me for who--or what--I was. That meant more to me than anything else he could have said. "Thank you." I would have done anything for him at that moment. No matter how deadly or painful, I wouldn't have hesitated a second to do anything in the world for him.
Touya had to lay down and get some rest soon after that, so I did my White Rabbit best to entertain Sakura and her friends at the school festival. I had looked forward to exerting myself a little again this year against the basketball team, but was flatly refused. I couldn't help but laugh as I remembered the state I had left them in a year and a half ago, but I was a bit disappointed I couldn't experience that exhilaration this year too. Sakura and her friends weren't too disappointed though because we had won other prizes at other booths along the way.
We finally found our way to the "Milky Way" maze, being guarded by none other than Akizuki-san herself. Yet...I didn't mind so much running into her this time. She had left Touya alone since filming the last scene of her movie, and I had given a sigh of relief when I realized she had obviously gotten the hint. Now though, she wasn't acting like herself quite. She was still pushy and hyper, but she asked about how Touya was doing and I felt a jolt go through me. Even Sakura stiffened. This was something...unusual. Before I could think about it for even a moment though she was ushering me and Sakura into the maze and holding the other two back for a few minutes. That was the way we had all set the maze up, so that wasn't surprising--but she had rushed us and decided herself how the couples would be divided. I walked through the familiar maze in a bit of a rush at first while I tried to think about this. Something was just slightly off, but not enough for me to figure out right away.
I was leaving Sakura behind though. I lost my train of thoughts as I realized it, but shrugged it off with a smile as I apologized. We kept walking until we reached the area I had helped out the most with--the constellations area. It was a bit of an open space, and we had used the most lights there with glowing sticks to connect the constellations--I had thought at the time it would be quite romantic for the couples going through. I had hoped to be here with Touya at some point, but that hadn't worked out quite as planned. So, Sakura and I took in the wonder of all that hard work, and I had to admit to myself it looked a lot better with the normal lights out and everything. It really was as romantic as I had imagined.
Her little girl voice broke into my thoughts with a hesitant rendition of my name. "Yukito-san?"
"Nani?" I questioned, smiling at her sweet innocence.
She stammered and stuttered, and the longer she hesitated the more sure I was that I knew what she was trying to say. My heart broke for her, and I hoped against hope that this time really hadn't come. Finally the words came out in a mad rush. "Yukito-san, I love you!"
I took a deep breath and hoped against hope that when I broke her heart it wouldn't hurt too much. I had known this day would come eventually, but the last thing I wanted was to hurt her. Sometimes love just hurt though. I did what I could. "I love you too, Sakura-chan--but--the person you love most isn't me." Her huge green eyes looked up at me in shock and it was almost too much for me to take. It was too late to turn back now. I explained, "You love your father a lot, right?"
"Yes."
"And me?"
"I love you...."
I knew better, but I put the seed of doubt in her mind deliberately with my next words. "Those feelings are the same, right? The way you love your father, and the way you feel for me are similar, right?"
She hesitated, and I thought she would deny it. She had a right to deny what I was saying, but I truly hoped she would just accept what I said since she was so young and unsure. Finally she agreed, "They are...."
"I'm a lot like him," I explained with more confidence. This was easy to say since anyone could see it was true to some degree. "Since you're so young you're just a bit confused about it."
"Hai." She agreed. She even smiled, but grew hesitant again. "You knew the whole time?"
Gently now, I didn't want to hurt her budding ego. "Yes, and I was glad you considered me part of your family." I gave her one of my most genuine smiles because I really loved being considered part of her family. Especially these past few days, when I realized that the Kinomotos were the closest I would ever come to having a family. That was much more important to me.
I had no idea where the conversation would go from there, but what Sakura said next blew me away. "There's someone you love the most, isn't there?" It was as if she had seen right through me to my true motivation for trying to let her down gently.
Even so, I couldn't lie about this. "Yes, there is." If only she had a clue who, she might not be so loving and--
"It's my big brother, isn't it?"
She was smiling about it. The thought made her happy. Okay, I've been wrong before, and I was happy to be wrong this time. I went from shocked to happy as I searched her face for any hint of negativity. No, she was purely happy about it. Wow.
"Yes, it's him," I finally admitted with a smile. "I'm not sure what I'd do without him."
"He acts mean sometimes, but he's really very nice."
"Yes." I knew that very well by now.
"He likes to tease me," she began, but I lost her words as my own mind began a familiar litany of denial.
I started to try to explain, "Yes--but even though I love him, I don't know how he feels."
She smiled confidently. "I'm sure he feels the same way!" Her voice got a bit quieter and I strained to hear what she said next, barely making it out. "That's why he gave Yue his magic..." Was that the name of my true self? The name felt right, but...and she knew about the magic transfer? I was about to ask, but she went on stubbornly. "Anyway, he must love you at least as much as I do!"
I was going to blush if she kept this up. "Sakura-chan," I tried to interrupt.
No luck, she kept talking. "But, if he's ever mean to you, call me and I'll punish him for you, okay?"
"Okay," I agreed, going along. Her words were so touching in their innocence! "Thank you. I'm sure you'll find him--the one you love most. And I'm sure he'll love you the most too. Tell me when you find him, okay?" This was going much better than I expected. "And, if he's ever mean I'll punish him for you, okay?"
"Hai!"
I thought all would be well, but suddenly things fell apart. I heard a tiny explosion and saw bulbs breaking from the stars around us. Glass was falling all around us, and I had to protect Sakura. My family, my little sister, the Mistress--what? It didn't matter. I held her tight, protecting her as well as I could, holding her against me, wrapping her up carefully in my arms--and my wings--again, what? Oh. Right. My other self. I slipped once again into darkness.
Would I ever get used to it? That sudden dark emptiness and then suddenly I was somewhere else? Sakura was helping me, standing ready in case I lost my balance. She looked up with concern and understanding, so I reassured her that all was fine. Her friends, Tomoyo and Syaoran, looked concerned for me too, but they hung back as they always did. I wondered idly if Syaoran was her greatest love that she just hadn't recognized yet because of her crush on me. I had a feeling that he realized his own love for her when he got over me. It had been fun for a while, being the center of everyone's attention, but also uncomfortable. I hated seeing people get hurt, and having a crush on someone always led to getting hurt.
That's when I realized that Sakura's smiling face was lying to me. I had hurt her deeply by rejecting her love. She was hiding it from me so that I would not be hurt in return...but I could see it. I felt like a bug. Not human. Surely a real human wouldn't have been so cruel to someone they loved--I did love her, but I just loved her brother more. That was so selfish of me! I felt so much less than human right then. I wanted to talk to her some more, to explain--
Yet, I couldn't explain. If I tried I would hurt her worse. I was tempted though. When I walked them to the front gates of the school I offered to take her home. I couldn't blame her for not wanting to walk with me. She would be safe by walking with her friends, true, but--
I just smiled and accepted it. She had a lot to think about. I guess I did too. Maybe if she never found her special someone--maybe if Touya didn't love me the same way--maybe...?
I shook my head, walking back to the classes. Touya. He was still sleeping alone somewhere in one of the classrooms. I don't know how I found him so fast, but he was asleep exactly where I thought he'd be. I smiled at him, marveling again at how he looked when he was sleeping. All his cares and worries were washed away, and he looked so vulnerable. It made me want to be the one protecting him for a change. Well, maybe not a change. We protected each other in different ways I guess.
I gently brushed the hair off of his forehead, wanting to just stay there and watch him all night, but it was really getting dark and everything would be closed up and locked soon. With one last sigh I decided to wake him up, stop stalling, just get it done--and his eyes opened.
"Hello Yuki. Do you suddenly have a thing for watching me sleep?" He smiled at me as he sat up and my heart thumped so hard I felt like I was swaying with it.
I giggled. "You used to do the same thing to me, so isn't it fair?"
He chuckled in return. "Yes, I guess it is."
"It's time to leave now. They'll be locking everything up soon. Did you get enough rest?"
"Yeah. You know, you didn't have to let me sleep this entire time."
I just shrugged since I could only judge from my own experience. If I was woken up before I'd had enough rest I was useless for just about anything, no matter how hard I tried. "You woke up in time, so don't worry about it." I smiled as a thought came to me suddenly. "Want to spend the night at my house?"
He looked at me funny, confused. "We don't have any homework."
"I know, but I was just thinking--it's closer?" He looked a little irritated, so I hurried with the real reason. "Okay, okay, I just--I don't want to be alone." I swallowed, looking away. It was so hard for me to just come out and say things like that. I had no idea anymore how he'd react. I thought I knew at one time, but I was doubting everything now. A week ago I think I know what his answer would have been. Then again, a week ago I wouldn't have asked. Not like this, not out of the blue, and not just because I was lonely.
He thought for a moment, then nodded. "Sure, I'll just call Dad when we get there. It shouldn't be a problem. Does this mean you're ready to talk about it?"
"Yeah, I think I am. If you're up to listening." I smiled gently, hopefully, wanting to finally talk about a lot more than just what he must have thought I wanted to talk about. Sakura had pulled the courage to admit her feelings. I decided to follow her example. I hoped she was right, but even if she wasn't I just couldn't go on without saying it.
It was time to tell Touya that I loved him.