The Extraction

This is crack, and metafic, and breakage of the fourth wall. I would not recommend expecting this to make any sort of sense. But for the record, there is no mpreg.

Contains Oblivious!Sasuke.

"Oi, Madara. How did you do it? Or how did you try to, at least?"

Within the cave at the borders of Ame, Sasuke impatiently rubbed his head where he'd banged it against a stalactite. In the early days of antagonism he'd complained about their pitiful environment, but like any proper villain he'd soon come to terms with the fact that he as a maleficent denizen of the underworld was fated to live out his on-screen time in dark, rotting places. At least this cave had a waterfall outside, which he could occasionally sit under and reveal his pectorals to the hyperventilating fangirls.

Opposite to him, Obito sat polishing his ganbai. He looked up at the question, and then scratched his mask, seemingly completely unperturbed at the not-so-subtle jab.

"Hmm. Actually, I waited for the prefect conditions for extraction," he admitted. "It was much wiser than barging in and trying to singlehandedly fight the Uzumaki jinchuuriki and the entirely of her guard."

Frankly, that had been exactly what Sasuke had in mind. Nevertheless, he decided to take a leaf out of his supposedly respected senpai's page and consider his advice on how to capture the Kyuubi.

"And… what are these 'perfect conditions'?"

"Pregnancy," Obito informed him. "The Jinchuuriki is slightly unstable during the last days of pregnancy, and especially during the actual process of birth."

These facts settled into Sasuke's mind, where he evaluated them with his stunning Uchiha intellect and quickly came to his conclusion. Such a method did seem much more efficient than wasting the power of nii-san's eyes on the dobe who had somehow managed to happen across enough power-ups to put Goku to shame. He drew up whatever knowledge he knew about babies and the such – which, considering he was an orphaned seven-year-old with a decidedly non-perverted streak, wasn't too much – and recalled that the process of pregnancy lasted for around seven months, excluding necessary time-skips and Kurenai's apparent year-long gestation period.

"Madara, how much time do I have to capture the Kyuubi?"

Obito shrugged. "Some of the Konoha cast is going through character development right now so we'll have to sit around doing nothing for a few months. Any time within the year is fine."

And with that stamp of approval, Sasuke leapt into action. In fact, he leapt right into another stalactite. Because fuck caves.

~v~

"Wait, run that by me again?" Asked Suigetsu, who was the only sane one among the four of them.

"I'm going to extract the Kyuubi at the time of its jinchuuriki's conception," Sasuke informed him. Taka was still in that murky water between kind-of-good and totally-evil, so their meetings took place in the middle of the Fire Country forest, twelve kilometers east of Konohagakure, and not in some dark cave in the middle of nowhere.

"Right," he nodded. "Listen, I don't know a lot about Jinchuuriki, but isn't this one sixteen years old? Why is she pregnant already?"

"I'm coming on this mission!" Karin declared. "I have to shield our Sasuke-kun against the fangirls, after all. He must remain pure and hot."

"Sasuke is the farthest thing from pure," Juugo blinked in confusion. "Hasn't he killed-"

"Yeah yeah but I'm talking about a different kind of purity. You'll see," she sent him a subtle wink. "It adds to his allure."

"…If the scheduled fangirling time is finished, I would recommend that we head for Konoha," Sasuke droned. Sometimes he wished he could eradicate the annoying bastards, but he needed people of sufficient stupidity to serve as contrasts to his brilliance. "Naruto is not pregnant yet, so I'll just go remedy that. He practically worships my feet anyway so I don't think he'll have much of a problem with my plan as long as he doesn't know what I plan to do afterwards."

Juugo nodded loyally. "Of course, Sasuke. I will follow you to Konoha-"

"No, the three of you will remain here. I don't want anything bothersome happening. You as well, Karin." With that, he placed a hand artistically on Kusanagi's sheathe, and tilted his head back briefly before leaving. "And by the way, Suigetsu, Naruto is a 'he'. I can't imagine why you would be thickheaded enough to think that was a girl's name."

As he watched his team leader walk away, Suigetsu began to understand what Karin had meant by innocence.

~v~

Sasuke's return to Konoha took everyone by surprise, because he was almost a hundred and fifty chapters too early and they had assumed this to be a respectably scheduled manga. Despite that, the villagers swallowed and turned their heads as they were supposed to, and the anbu kept doing their anbu things without worrying that an S-ranked missing nin had walked through Konoha's front gates because familiarity sure as hell counted for something in their small world.

The first person that actually came to greet him was Sakura, who stood before him in the middle of the street in broad daylight, arms crossed over her chest, a look of absolute fury in her eyes. Sasuke sighed and braced himself.

"You idiot!" she shrieked. "Why on earth did you leave? To 'test your capacity' like you brother did? What, like a goddamn thermostat? Konoha has some of the most powerful shinobi in all of the five countries and you decided to run off with a total pedophile-"

"Is she done yet?"

"-who got kicked out by the people you decided were too weak to gain power from! What the hell, Sasuke? Do you know what you've started? Shipping wars, that's what! I've got fanmail coming in asking me why I don't have more screentime weeping over your black-and-white photographs!"

She took a deep breath. "You know what, Sasuke? No one out there understands what it's like to be a stupid thirteen year old, even though they all evidently have been at some point in their lives. No one knows what it feels like to make a silly confession at the age of thirteen and then have to keep up character image by pretending it never faded even though it definitely did. Because 'fading love' simply isn't possible in this weird shoujo-esque section that the two of us are perpetually stuck in, along with that poor, oblivious Hyuuga girl."

"Done now?"

"…I hate your guts," she mumbled, voice raspy from her outburst.

In the distance, leagues of shippers sobbed into their fanart collections.

"Well that's good. Maybe in the far future my development will lean towards being friends with you, although perish the thought," Sasuke replied in a complete monotone. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go have sex with Naruto."

Sakura nodded mutely, wiping the leftover angry tears from her eyes. "Yeah," she sniffed. "Yeah you go do that Sasuke-kun – wait, what?"

But by the time she looked around, he'd already disappeared.

~v~

Meanwhile, on the other side of Konoha, Naruto was having a completely awesome time playing cards with himself in his dusty, quiet apartment.

"Three fives," he muttered, reaching over to gently place three cards down onto the growing pile. His hand quivered slightly.

"Cheat!" Naruto-Clone pointed furiously. "Total cheat!" He reached over and flipped the cards… and found exactly three fives at the top of the pile.

"Haha, double bluff!" Naruto yelled. "Take em, take em all!" He laughed brutally as he watched the forlorn clone pick up the entire pile of cards and add it to his hand. Then he subtly put down three cards. "Two ones. Your go."

But the clone decided he'd had enough. He threw down his hand of cards, causing them to scatter over the floor. "This is so unfair. You always win because you know exactly what I'll do." He crossed his arms. "Why don't you actually go out and find other people to play against?!"

There was a moment of silence in the room.

"Because even though I've saved the village two times over and everybody idolizes me, nobody actually wants to play with me and I'm doomed to spend my life as a forever-alone-style happy idiot whose best friend left him for a pedophile and who pretends to be cheerful but is secretly dying of loneliness on the inside?" Naruto suggested.

Silence pervaded once again.

"…So, you wanna make ramen together, or something?"

~v~

Kakashi didn't know what he expected when he'd heard the news of an S-rank missing-nin invasion, delivered by some poor anbu soul who couldn't perform the Suspension-of-Disbelief no jutsu properly, but it was not this. It was not his former student strolling casually through Konoha, comparing the prices of home-grown tomatoes on the stands as he went.

"100 ryo for a tomato?" He seethed. "Oka-san bought them for less than twenty. Are these ones coated in gold? Soaked in holy water? Cultivated by naked virgins during the light of the full moon?"

"Well, you know, inflation, and all," Kakashi said mildly, stopping next to him. "It affects the best of us. It's been a long time since you left, after all."

"Well there had been circumstances," Sasuke replied. "Listen, as long as you don't engage me in a student-sensei battle to the death, I will be fine. All I am here to do is have sex with Naruto."

"Is that so?" Kakashi asked, pretending his heart hadn't skipped a beat.

"Indeed," his former student deadpanned. "I've… finally decided to revive my clan, and Naruto is the only one powerful enough to bear my children." It seemed like a respectable reason.

"And have you ever considered… finding a nice girl instead?"

Sasuke gave him a dry look. "Of course not. Oka-san said I wasn't allowed to see women until the age of twenty." With that, he dropped the tomato and walked off down the street.

And Hatake Kakashi, who'd really seen enough shit in his life, calmly watched him go.

~v~

After gulping down enough ramen to drown his lonely sorrows, Naruto was skipping rather happily to training ground seven, where he planned to take a page out of Gaara's book and beat the living shit out of a practice dummy until his existence was sufficiently validated.

He didn't exactly expect to see Sasuke standing there on the bridge over the Naka River, nor did he expect to meet the entire Konoha Eleven watching as spectators around them, even though everyone knew that in shonen manga, a dramatic act wasn't dramatic unless it had an audience.

He stilled in shock.

Sasuke, who had totally been expecting this, paused calmly before him. He then said in an even voice, "dobe, I need your help resurrecting my clan."

There was a long silence while Naruto tried to wrap his head around his fact, because though he was an orphan, he was also kind of a pervert who knew how stuff worked. Finally, he decided that since he was the idiot of the series, Sasuke clearly had something brilliant in mind that he was too dimwitted to comphrehend. "Sasuke… why, all of a sudden?..."

Sasuke took a deep breath, and mentally ran through the script Karin had previously written out for him (because she was a fujoshi and who'd known?) "After many years of thought, I have come to understand that we share a special bond that cannot be denied," he droned out in his monotone. "And I have realized that you are the only one who will ever occupy the leftover places in my heart, after one has taken my brother-complex into consideration." He'd added that small modification in afterwards.

Cherry blossoms practically floated through the air around them, perhaps because Tenten was scattering them nearby. Naruto gaped in confusion, but he started to piece together the pieces he did understand in his head, and screwed around with them a little until it suited his preference. Sasuke liked him. Like like. Like he'd once liked Sakura. Naruto didn't exactly swing that way, in fact he swung very decidedly the other way, but he was determined to do anything for their friendship.

The moment was broken with the arrival of the Godaime Hokage, with Shizune trailing meekly behind her.

Tsunade took one look at the procession, hands on her hips, and barked out roughly at Sasuke, "why the hell are you here? You aren't due for another two hundred chapters. There's early, and then there's this."

"I'm here for mating purposes," Sasuke informed her. "Specifically with Naruto."

"Really?" She harrumphed. "Well, I always knew there was something weird about you two. Why the sudden change of heart?"

"I want to impregnate him and steal the Kyuubi for the Akatsuki while he's instable," he deadpanned. "No, I'm just here to have sex, because I need to repopulate my clan and he is the only one I have deemed worthy of mothering my children."

Given that this was Sasuke, the brief attempt at realistic sarcasm only served to confuse the hell out of everyone.

But Shizune, who was one of those rare characters with an actual brain, was able to put two and two together. Her eyes widened and she tugged on Tsunade's haori sleeve. "Tsunade-sama," she whispered. "He may not be lying about that! The Uchiha were extremely awkward about sex education, if you remember, and he's been an asexual orphan since the age of seven! He could actually mean that first part, which means Naruto is in danger!"

Tsunade briefly considered the options. "He can't be in danger, there's no chance of him actually getting pregnant and going unstable," she muttered. "And if the Uchiha kid's an idiot, we can use that to our advantage." She then turned back to Sasuke. "Sure, kid, do your thing. But because of certain… complications, it will take a long time before Naruto can get pregnant, so repopulating your clan will be a slow process."

Completely forgetting Obito's deadline – because screw deadlines – Sasuke nodded. "That seems acceptable. I will remain here however long it takes, because I must revive my clan." And he had to get the Kyuubi, no matter how long it took. And frankly, sitting in Konoha eating tomatoes in the meanwhile sounded a lot more appealing than bumping into the walls of Madara's stupid cave-house.

With that, he grabbed Naruto's arm, and dragged the boy off into the sunset, where they would pour together over medical journals to figure out exactly what this 'sex' thing even was, and eventually end up developing bonds of real friendship despite everything.

The streets of Konoha were silent.

"So… is anyone ever going to tell him?..." Tenten wondered, turning to Neji.

"No, of course not," Neji replied sagely. "SasuNaru shippers know kung fu."

...I love Naruto, I swear. I just sometimes make fun of the characters that are closest to my heart.

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