AN: I have decided to forget about Fifty Shades Beginning Again, after taking such a long break from it and re-reading Unwritten and Written over the past couple of weeks I have decided to continue the story this way instead. The updates will not be regular as they were before (3 or 4 a day) but I hope to get one or two a week up at the least while I quietly work on my next novel.

Thanks to those of you who have decided to jump back into this story with me.

Fifty Shades Starting Over

It's been a year since Christian Grey was killed and Ana knows it's time for her to start living again. The past year has been undeniable hell but 365 days later and she knows that surviving alone is no longer an option.

January 1st 2015

"Hello Christian." I say quietly as I gaze down at the recently carved headstone.

It's been exactly a year since he was killed, the longest year of my life. I cannot believe that I have actually survived it without him. Every day I wake up and every day I want to curl back and die because it would be easier than spending a day without Christian with me. However my children, our children, have been my reason to get out of bed every day.

"I know I don't come here often." I really don't. In all honesty, I actually avoid this place as if it was holding the plague. "I don't even like to believe that you're here because even though your body is, I know your soul isn't, it's in the house, it's with me and the children day in and day out. So I haven't felt the need to come here."

I look at the large bunch of white roses that I bought here. I decided to venture here today so that I could leave some flowers here just in recognition of the date that he was cruelly snatched away from me.

"I felt you with me at the court house last month. I can't believe it took so long for the case to go on but I'm so relieved that the bastards who caused your death are behind bars. Four times over the drink drive limit and an unsecure load took you from me and the kids far too early, at least the bastards are paying now even though a lifetime wouldn't be enough, not even the death penalty would feel like justice."

I sigh and wipe at the stray tear that slips, I know there are press nearby and even though they're giving me the semblance of privacy they are watching at a distance and using long lense cameras and I don't want them to see me cry.

"It's James' birthday today. I can't believe he's one years old already. He looks more and more like you every day and it can still be very painful to look at him, he's my beautiful baby boy but he can break my heart and mend it in one single look. It's indescribable. Damn it you'd love spending time with him Christian, he's much more advance than India was because he's learning things from her. I can't believe that she's passed two either, she's so bright and her personality is really showing. Her speech is really strong now and you can't take your eyes off her for a single minute or she'll be gone." I chuckle remembering how I caught her on the couch in my study after I'd gone to fetch James from his nap. The panic that had rushed through me at that moment when I realised she wasn't where I left her was insane. My heart had started to pound hard in my chest and my head had started spinning. Oh if anything happened to any of them it would really be the end of me.

"I know this last year I've just been surviving because I've had to. I've tried to be a good mom to India and James but all I've been doing is existing. If you could tell me how you felt about the way I was living I know you'd be angry. I've let myself go, I've not been to work in a year, I've left everything to everyone else other than the children and I realise that today it has to stop. I have had a year to get used to the fact that you're not here, a whole damn year sitting on my ass doing nothing more than be a mother because I couldn't handle the fact that you were gone. Most people don't have the luxury I've had, the means to be able to stay home and not worry about money or anything. Your mother has been trying to persuade me for a while that it's time to get my act together, but it's been so hard Christian. I agree now though, it really is time to stop simply existing. I think I'm going to go back to music, it's been my only escape this past year. I've written hundreds and hundreds of songs and I've sat for hours and hours during sleepless nights at your piano pressing random keys just to try and make music."

I sigh and shake my head, I still feel so lost and alone at times and I try all the time to talk to Christian especially at those moments I feel like he's with me, that for a moment I'm not alone. It never feels right though, I also feel like I'm trying to justify my decisions to someone who is no longer with me.

"The press are still extremely interested in us. According to Tito and Lila it will work in my favour when I start recording and releasing again but it's still a pain in the ass. Actually, Oprah's team have been in touch over and over again over the past year and they're so happy that I've finally said yes. I think it's the first step in getting out there again, back to work, back to really living. It's a chance to put to rest all the speculation and rumours that have occurred over this past year and tell my story. Your mother really wanted me to do it months ago but I wasn't ready, in actual fact I'm still not but now I have to be, for myself and for our children."

I look at his name engraved in beautiful gold script on the marble stone. It breaks my heart knowing his body is here in the cold hard ground. Of course, it's where he wanted to be and where I will be when my time comes. It's a beautiful private patch of land and Christian's grave sits just a few feet from my mother's. Both of them face the sunset and I guess it's beautiful in one sense.

"Well it's our son's first birthday and as much as I don't want to leave I must because the entire family is coming around today for a birthday tea for James. I love you Christian and I always will."