She'd never quite understood it.

Dr. Aldous Leekie, who had been so enamored with her mind. With her research. With her ambition.

Dr. Aldous Leekie, who had chosen her. Who had plucked her from the multitudes of hopeful, gaunt-eyed med students to elevate to a world of cutting edge research and multimillion dollar facilities and unparalleled opportunity. A world of luxurious dinners, of butlered hotel rooms and expensive galas.

(a world of deceit, of secrecy, of you're playing for your life here)

She'd never quite understood why she'd allowed it to happen.

She wondered, later, if perhaps he had been more enamored with her body all along. Told herself that it was never just that. Would not allow herself to believe that it had ever been just that. Told herself that the physical aspect had come later. That it was her brain, and not her body, that had drawn Aldous Leekie to her side to lead her into a world she'd never known existed.

She told herself.

It had not been unwelcome, at the time. In a way it had been wonderful. This man – with such fame and prestige attached to him – wanted her. Wanted her for her mind, for her body (and sometimes, she felt) for her soul.

So she had gone to his bed, quite willingly. More than willingly.

Because Aldous Leekie – with his domineering charm and gentle manipulation – was not the type of man who was often refused.

And so she navigated the strange territory that lie somewhere between boss and mentor and lover. Discovered that, for the moment, this peculiar union diminished the thick emptiness that had crept its way so stealthily into her chest. That, for the moment, she felt less alone.

She'd never fully understood it until now.

Not until Cosima sat poised above her on the bed in that musty apartment, all sunshine eyes and firecracker smile. Not until she felt careful fingers trailing through her hair and along her spine and suddenly she remembered what it was to feel warm. To feel safe. To feel whole.

It was, she realized with a heavy ecstasy, what she'd been searching for all along.

(you don't deserve this)

She wanted to wrap herself around Cosima and pull her in close. Wanted to crush away the space between them, wanted to bury her nose in the soft crook of Cosima's neck. Wanted to breathe her in, thick and sweet and earthy, and lose herself in the rise and fall of her chest. Her ribs physically ached for that closeness– a strange sensation to which she was wholly unaccustomed – yet she remained still.

You don't deserve this.

But Cosima tilted her head, smiled. Let her fingers trail lazily down Delphine's neck and along her collarbone. Regarded her with a gentle fascination.

(Aldous had looked at her as if she were a problem to which he already knew the answer. Territory to be conquered, not explored. For all of his outward charm, an underlying aggression – a primal possessiveness – had made itself known to Delphine behind closed doors)

Cosima did not seek to own.

"Non, but I could not accept…"

"Please, Delphine. It's my pleasure. I couldn't have asked for lovelier company this week. You know how dry these conferences always are," he chuckled. "You've done me a favor by accompanying me. I simply wanted to give you something in return."

She eyed the necklace, glinting gold in its case.

"Non, Dr. Leekie. You have already done so much for me. I – I would not feel comfortable –"

"Nonsense, Delphine," he waved her off, plucking the necklace from its case. "Here, let me."

She blushed furiously. Something was shifting in the dynamic between them (had been shifting). She'd felt it coming for weeks – perhaps longer – yet she'd chosen to ignore the obvious clues for the sake of professionalism. After all: he was her mentor, and soon to be her boss.

She felt him move behind her, laying cold metal over her chest. Her skin tingled where his fingers brushed at the back of her neck, fastening the clasp. He lingered there.

"You have an incredibly promising future, Delphine."

Still, he did not move.

"Thank you," was all she could think to say. She stood there, dumbly, unsure of how to proceed. Unsure of how she wanted to proceed. He must have been able to feel her tremble.

The fingers of his right hand traveled down her neck and along her shoulders before winding themselves around her arm. She realized suddenly that she was not breathing – when had she stopped? – and pulled air shakily into her lungs.

She returned his kiss before she quite understood how it had begun. Returned it because it felt like approval and like promise and like faith. Returned it – quite simply – because it felt good. It felt good to be wanted, and to want.

She burned with him, and for a while it thawed the icy solitude that had frosted through the cavern of her chest.

So she ignored the uneasy tremble in her bones and the hollowness that their subsequent rendezvous would slowly foster. Convinced herself – even as she could feel the frost creeping back into chest – that this was better than being alone. That, despite his ever more frequent absences, she was less alone. Convinced herself that she was happy with just her work and with the sporadic attentions of this powerful man. And she was, really. For the most part. She was grateful, and comfortable, and most certainly content.

It had been enough.

It had been.

Not enough.

They tumbled, giggling, back into Cosima's bed together. But with Cosima's weight suddenly pressed into her and her lips kissing a path down her neck Delphine's giddiness quickly dissipated. The concession she had made only moments ago – just for now – suddenly seemed a dangerous notion.

Perhaps, Delphine thought as Cosima's warm hands slid around her back, I have made a terrible mistake.

Because there could be no for now. Because Cosima's warmth had now made the coldness and sterility of the previous months quite painfully apparent. Nothing had felt like this. She had nearly forgotten that anything could feel like this.

It couldn't be only for now. It was not enough.

Delphine had never felt so euphoric or so utterly terrified. Terrified at the thought of losing a feeling she hadn't even known she'd had the capacity to feel.

Dangerous, to feel this happy. So wonderfully, awfully dangerous.

She felt the threat of tears again, the threat of bitter laughter at the ridiculous impossibility of this situation. She swallowed it all down, instead nuzzling into Cosima's neck and pulling her more tightly into her. Out of all of the people in the world, out of all of the myriad of possible situations and circumstances, the one who could make her feel this way had to be…

It was supposed to be simple.

For now, she tried again, but couldn't quell the rapidly intensifying feeling that she wanted this for much longer than for now. That she could want this for the rest of her life, if Cosima would allow her to. If circumstances would allow her to.

And it was ridiculous, really. It was far, far too soon for such thoughts. It was not the time.

(not now, with Cosima playfully nipping at her collarbone as she rolled over her on the bed. not while Delphine could feel her smile stretching across her skin and her laughter vibrating into her neck)

But perhaps there would never be another time.

(Dangerous. So wonderfully, awfully dangerous.)

Delphine stilled. The unrelenting thought that she did not deserve this levity struck heavy in her chest, stealing the mirth from her lips as she abruptly sobered.

Cosima felt the stiffness creep into Delphine's body and pulled back, propping herself up above her.

"Hey, Delphine," she began, "Are you—"

But she stopped when Delphine's gaze met her own.

That playful spark was gone from Delphine's eyes, replaced instead with a strange and somber reverence. Slowly, apprehensively, she lifted a hand to Cosima's cheek. Cosima's breath caught in her throat as the pads of Delphine's fingers grazed delicately over her skin. She resisted the impulse to close her eyes and lean into the touch, instead keeping her gaze locked with Delphine's.

She remained motionless as Delphine's hand came to the base of her neck and drifted lightly down her breastbone. She failed to suppress a shiver.

Delphine's gaze followed her own hand as she began to trace small circles between Cosima's breasts. She stopped and let out a heavy sigh before lifting her gaze back to meet Cosima's.

They remained suspended that way – both searching for answers to questions they felt they could not ask – until those answers seemed to lose their importance. Until there was only the sound of breath, the steady rise and fall of chests, the golden green-brown of irises stretched and shrunk around dilating pupils. Until foreheads simply rested against one another, until fingers threaded through hair to cradle the backs of heads. Until Delphine leaned forward to softly brush her lips against Cosima's.

Until soft was no longer a possibility.

Delphine surged forward, throwing herself into Cosima. Cosima reeled, rolling onto her back as Delphine topped her.

But this was different than before.

Entirely different.

Gone was the frantic, stilted Delphine of earlier. In her place was a woman deliberate, enthralled, and powerful. It was unsettling and thrilling and captivating in the strangest and most wonderful of ways. Delphine, on top of her. Delphine, pressing into her. Squeezing into her. Moving against her without fear, and with such strength that she knew she would trace bruises in the morning.

Too much.

They broke away, panting, Delphine suspended above Cosima on the bed. Again Delphine's hands and eyes began to wander over Cosima's skin.

Cosima gazed up at blown pupils, at lips quirked in childlike fascination even as they swelled red with hunger. Even with this primal thing boiling within her, on the surface Delphine was all gentle curiosity and careful fascination.

It appeared that whatever apprehension had colored their first encounter in this bed had been lifted. It had scarcely been an hour, and already this Delphine was all exploration and wonder where her predecessor had been so restrained by fear and hesitation. Cosima wondered what had changed in these last sixty minutes – what new information or internal epiphany had refocused her energy in such a dramatic way?

(one hopeful, terrifying possibility repeatedly insisted on bringing itself to the forefront of her conscience. it was ridiculous, and fanciful, and somehow altogether too wonderfully possible, but there it was. because she felt it. could feel that Delphine felt it. she felt it, even as she tried so desperately not to. because it couldn't be that. it couldn't be, and she couldn't let herself—)

But with Delphine's fingers skimming down her sides and dancing just, just above the band of her underwear, Cosima found that she couldn't muster the mental discipline to toy with these thoughts for long. Not with Delphine's thigh putting pressure just there and with Delphine's hands ghosting back up to the clasp of her –

Oh.

Cosima's bra had scarcely fallen from her chest when she felt the warmth of a cautious tongue flit against her nipple. She gasped, arching into the open mouth, and Delphine's kiss grew more confident.

Cosima's hands found Delphine's where they lay rested lightly on her thighs and guided them up to her chest. Gentle palms kneaded soft flesh, thumbs brushed over nipples, and lips traveled slowly up to suck at a pulse point.

This was more than Cosima had dared hope for.

Encouraged, she reached around to unclasp Delphine's bra. This time there was no stiffness or hesitation from the other woman; instead, Delphine's hands met hers to assist in tugging off the garment. Cosima smiled and tossed the bra to the floor, pulling Delphine against her so that their breasts pressed together. Their lips met and Cosima could only feel heat everywhere between and around them.

She groaned when Delphine pulled away, missing the warmth and the pressure. She gave a start when she felt slender fingers loop in either side of her underwear and slowly begin to tug down.

Her skin caught fire and her breath caught in her throat as Delphine tossed her underwear aside and settled herself between her legs. She simply stared, dark-eyed and swollen-lipped. She stared, and Cosima let her. She felt so impossibly warm, even with Delphine no longer flush against her. And still Delphine stared, thumbs tracing small circles where they sat atop Cosima's thighs.

She pondered how much of Delphine's fascination was due to Cosima and how much was due to the experiment. Delphine was a scientist, after all (wasn't she?). She had to know that she was fucking a clone. How many others had she seen? Had she looked at any others in this way? Been with any others in this way? (the notion seemed ridiculous, but yet… how much did she really know about this woman?) Delphine was enthralled with her, yes. Aroused by her. Plainly interested. But for what reason? If she was just a novelty, a distraction, an experiment in more ways than one, well then…

Cosima wondered what she knew. Wondered if the root of this curious exploration was indeed Cosima, or perhaps woman, or maybe clone. The last thought hurt – that Delphine's fascination with her might only be attributed to her status as experiment, as biological wonder.

The possibility of the first – that perhaps it was only Cosima that had sparked this in Delphine, regardless of her gender or of her biological origins – warmed her chest and radiated outward until she was sure she must be visibly glowing.

And with Delphine moving over her as she was it was easy to forget all of the rest. It was easy to melt into this. So, so easy to melt into this. So easy to relax into curious hands that drifted warm along her sides, across her abdomen, over her breasts. Delphine moved slowly, exploring with wide eyes, probing fingers, and a child-like wonder. Serene, Cosima thought, as Delphine sat back and began to trace patterns dangerously close to the apex of her thighs.

"Hey, c'mere" she murmured, pulling Delphine back up to her. Delphine smiled sheepishly and Cosima kissed her, long and soft, burying her hands in tousled curls and holding her close. Gradually her hands drift along Delphine's freckled torso to rest on her hips.

She lifted her gaze to Delphine's and received that same sheepish smile, but this time it was Delphine who leaned forward for a kiss. She hesitated for a moment, but then let her fingers wander down to Delphine's waist. She felt rather than saw the heat of Delphine's blush washing over her as she moved to pull her underwear down her legs.

She wanted to feel her (could already feel the heat of her), and brushed against her as she moved back up her now fully naked body. Delphine shivered and clutched onto her, nails pricking into the flesh of her back. They kissed again, Delphine's tongue parting her lips as Cosima slowly nudged her thigh between her legs and began to rock softly against her.

She could feel her arousal hot and slick against her thigh. Could feel the vibrations of the desperate little noises that she tried to suppress. Could feel her hips rising and grinding against her with increasing force, her breath desperate and heavy, her skin slick and warm. Cosima slipped a hand between them and stroked her, working her until she could no longer swallow the little moans and whimpers, until her hips begin to jerk out of rhythm, until she collapsed beneath her and buried her head in the crook of Cosima's neck.

It was enough, being with Delphine like this. It was enough.

A soft hand on her cheek tilted her head so that she lay face to face with Delphine, who smiled and kissed her deeply.

It was enough.

But then her hand trailed across Cosima's belly. It lingered there, tracing patterns across her skin. They kissed, and slowly Delphine's hand drifted down to settle between Cosima's legs.

Cosima almost stopped her. Almost spun fingers around her wrist and gently guided her hand back to her heart, to her cheek, to her hair. Anywhere.

"Delphine, you don't have to."

She almost said it. Almost. But Delphine gazed at her with such a peculiar mixture of intention and curiosity that she couldn't quite form the words. She found herself stilled by her quietly shaky determination, by her twitching fingers hovering just…

Delphine had clearly never done this before, and her movements seemed inspired by exploration and curiosity more so than anything else. Still, there was something so wildly sexy about that that Cosima found herself refraining from whispering any sort of direction or encouragement, instead choosing to let Delphine explore her body at her own pace.

She seemed astonished, as if she couldn't quite believe what she was doing.

Why, Delphine? Why can't you believe it? Is it because someone made you do this? Or because it was the one thing you weren't supposed to do?

Cosima closed her eyes and focused on every graze, grasp, touch. She thought of the tiny skin cells sloughing off as Delphine's hand slid up her back and to her neck. Thought of the cells mixing and floating down, landing lightly on the bed. Dancing their way down into the sheets and collecting like autumn leaves: Delphine's entirely unique DNA mingling with her own, which could just as easily have been that of so many others.

Cosima shifted against Delphine to get a better angle and began to rock harder against her hand. She felt Delphine's breath against the shell of her ear as she leaned in.

"Tell me…" Delphine breathed.

"Here," Cosima panted, guiding her hand.

Delphine followed, attempting to mimic what Cosima had done to her before. She couldn't recall another time when she had been so monumentally nervous to touch someone; couldn't recall a time when she'd been so ridiculously unsure of her own movements. She could do what she liked to do to herself, but… really, it was just so exceptionally strange to feel another woman in this way. To be inside another woman in this way. To have a woman panting and trembling beneath you, to have her clutching at your back and burying her face into your neck.

So wonderfully strange.

Cosima shuddered, and Delphine watched her as she came. She wondered if she could make her come undone like this; if she could make her come fully apart. If she could somehow separate and rearrange Cosima's DNA to create an entirely new human. If maybe things would be better that way. If Cosima were not a clone, but a genetically unique individual. If she were not a clone. Not an experiment. Not her experiment.

Merde.

Perhaps, if circumstances had been different…

Cosima nuzzled into her side and pressed a kiss to her collarbone, releasing a contented sigh. Delphine kissed her forehead, absently running her fingers down the back of Cosima's neck.

Delphine smiled.

On second thought, perhaps she wouldn't want circumstances to be any different. Not if this particular set of circumstances allowed her moments like these.

"Mmmmm," Cosima moaned, kissing up her neck. "Still hungry?"

Delphine cocked an eyebrow. Cosima smiled mischievously.

"We still have those Eskimo Pies."

"Ah, bien sûr," Delphine laughed. "I am still hungry, but also I think I do not want you to move."

"Hm, no?" Cosima asked, pressing more closely against her.

"Non," Delphine responded, arching her hips a bit.

"Well, we have to eat some real food eventually, and if I don't get out of bed, like, right now, then it's gonna be a very long time until that happens," Cosima teased, letting her hand trace the curve of Delphine's breasts.

"Fine," Delphine pouted, "Eskimos, then. Although I think we may need to reassess your definition of 'real food.'"

Cosima smirked before leaning in for a kiss. "Fine," she conceded. "I can order us some Thai or something?"

"Perhaps another night. I actually have.. erm, I have an early class tomorrow. I should probably—"

"Right, of course," Cosima responded hastily, deflating a bit at the obvious lie. Still, Delphine could have some other commitment. Or perhaps there were rules to this game. Perhaps Delphine was not meant to be in her bed at all.

"Eskimos for now?" she asked, rolling away from Delphine's embrace and sliding out of the bed.

"Oui," Delphine answered with a smile. "Eskimos for now."

Cosima grinned and made her way over to the freezer. She hadn't bothered with a robe, and she could feel Delphine's gaze traveling across her fully naked form as she walked. She couldn't help but smile even wider at that, and wider still when she turned back around to see Delphine with her teeth sunk into her bottom lip, staring unabashedly.

Delphine's gaze followed her as the climbed slowly back into the bed, and the hunger in her eyes remained even after Cosima had distributed the Eskimo Pies.

"Okay, so tell me that this isn't the best fucking desert you've ever had," Cosima mumbled from where she sat cross-legged and naked on the bed, mouth half-full with ice cream.

Delphine laughed, swallowing a bite. "I think that maybe you Americans have rather low standards for desserts in this country."

"Well, if you really don't like it then you can give me the rest and I'll finish it," she teased, moving to snatch the ice cream from Delphine.

"Non, non!" Delphine laughed, holding the ice cream out of Cosima's reach. "It is delicious. I just think that," she paused, smirking. "In France we hold ourselves to a higher culinary standard."

"What, are you going to try and tell me that those one-euro crepes they sell on the side of the streets in Paris are better than this? No way."

"Non, non. Not the crêpes," Delphine answered, pausing to take the last bite of her Eskimo Pie. "Truffles."

"Hm, truffles? You want to challenge my Eskimo Pies with truffles?" Cosima countered.

"Oui," Delphine answered, nudging her playfully in the ribs. "I may actually know a shop nearby that makes decent ones, if you'd like to try."

"Obviously not as good as the ones in France, of course," Cosima mocked, licking the remnants of chocolate and ice cream from her fingers. "Higher culinary standard and all that."

"C'est vrai," Delphine laughed.

"Hmmm, I think we might have to conduct an experiment, then. Eskimo Pies vs. Truffles. Next time?"

"Oui, I would like that," Delphine agreed, beaming.

"It's a date, then."

Delphine's chest glowed. Not a white-hot sharp thing as it had been earlier, but a warm orange glow that spread to every part of her and felt something like contentment.

Dangerous, she thought.

She wanted nothing more than to cuddle into Cosima's side and stay in this bed until morning. Wanted to wake up pressed against her, skin to skin and tangled up in each other's arms. She wanted.

"I should go," she murmured.

"Right, right. Of course," Cosima stammered. "Here, let me… ummm…"

Cosima shrugged on her robe and assisted Delphine in gathering her clothes, which proved to be more difficult than anticipated. After a great deal of giggling ("God, I'm sorry my place is such a mess. Is this yours? Oh wait… nope, mine. Shit.") and a semi-awkward goodbye kiss, Delphine found herself back at Cosima's front doorstop.

She felt dizzy. Giddy and terrified and elated and completely, irrevocably, hopelessly sunk.

Cosima had asked nothing from her – nothing of her – yet already she owned more of her than Aldous Leekie ever had.

Where are you with Cosima?

Closer.

Safely outside of Cosima's building, Delphine pulled her pack of cigarettes from her purse and lit one with trembling hands. The air was chilly, but some of the snow on the ground seemed to be turning to slush. She gazed up at the barren branches of the surrounding trees as she sighed out a long stream of smoke.

Breathe in, breath out. Focus.

Her eyes settled on a small blossom that had sprouted out of one of the naked branches in seemingly brash defiance of the harsh winter weather. She wondered absently if it would last through to the Spring.

Breathe in, breath out.

She inhaled another long drag from her cigarette, fingers still trembling. She knew that she shouldn't linger here, yet she had no desire to be anywhere else.

Where are you with Cosima?

She tossed her spent cigarette onto the pavement, where it landed atop the discarded 1984 handbill, obscuring the words. She dug the heel of her boot into that handbill, twisting the soggy paper until the cigarette was crushed into it and the words were unreadable.

Closer.

She shivered, eyes drifting to the trees, and continued onward.