Depression & Acceptance

All she had left now were the memories, and the freshest among them was one she'd love nothing more than to erase. As the snow finally began to drift down from the clouds and melted upon her skin, she couldn't help thinking of it. The shock that it could happen to Ruby, the horror at the realization of the meaning of what her eyes were showing her… The abject, frantic pleading to whatever God was listening for it not to be true as, in the last moments, she had clung tightly to Ruby's hand as her pulse grew faint. There were simply no words for what had come over her as the warmth had seeped from Ruby's body, her life bleeding away. That is what cold really feels like…

It had fallen to Blake and Yang to finish off the pack after Weiss had avenged Ruby in her hysterics and then cast her weapon down, but she was far too selfish to care. Yang had fallen apart the instant that the horde was no more and her duty was done – she'd managed to channel it into rage as opposed to Weiss' useless, pitiful misery, but once the battle was over… Blake was the only one able to remain standing, though she looked away as the tears streaked down her face; she'd had to be the strong one then, and it was all she could do to make sure everyone got back home. Without Blake… Weiss and Yang might well have let themselves just die there in the mud. Weiss hadn't cared about Blake or Yang then, though either; she was too busy being selfish.

"Ruby…"

It was all so undignified; a lady wasn't supposed to beg, least of all when she knew it could never be. Civilized people weren't supposed to whimper like a wounded animal when life didn't go their way. Stand up straight, neutral expression, feet shoulder's width apart, hands clasped behind you, that's what her father would have said; there would be no excuse for this behavior if he saw it, and yet… Weiss couldn't bring herself to care.

"I'm so, so, so sorry…"

Her face was in her hands; the tears just wouldn't stop.

"This is all my fault…"

If only she'd been stronger…

"I can't ask you to forgive me…"

If only she'd been faster.

"I don't deserve it,"

If only she'd been paying more attention…

"But I don't know what to do!"

It really was all her fault. How many times had she called up a barrier glyph only to have the Grimm disperse around it? How many times had she allowed her attacks to be evaded? How many times had she only taken one Grimm down when she could have taken two with just a little more precision? All of that wasted energy… All that draining inefficiency… If she'd only been better…

"I just weighed you down… That's all I've ever done…"

Ruby had been so exceptional in every way that mattered; she was amazing – there was no other word for it – and her future should have been so bright. It just wasn't fair.

"Why should I get to live?" Weiss demanded of herself, "You were the one with the dreams Ruby! I was only living because I'm too much of a coward to die!"

There it was: she'd always had the option, after all. She could have blamed Father for being neglectful, or for being angry whenever he wasn't, but that was useless. She could have blamed Mother for not being there for her, irrational as that was. She could have blamed the world for the life that she'd been born to, but no. The only person she really had to blame for her loneliness was herself; she could have ended it whenever she wanted, but she was always too scared.

"I was so selfish…"

If she'd had the courage to end it all before they'd met…

"You could have had a partner you could rely on…"

Maybe… Just maybe…

"Someone worth putting your faith in…"

Someone not so selfish and cowardly…

"Someone as good as you deserved…"

Ruby had been so brave…

"It should have been me…"

She couldn't breathe, and didn't want to. Each breath was a sickening indictment of her for her failure, her selfishness, her cowardice.

"If only we'd never met…"

Ruby might still be alive…

"I should have done it – I had so many chances…"

But it was useless; she hadn't had the courage to do it any of those times before, and she never would. For a while, Weiss had let herself think that she'd never want to again. Sure, Beacon had been rough at first, but soon enough it had become the best time of her life; for the first time she'd had someone to go to – to lean on – and she didn't have to hold everything in. Now though… She'd forgotten how, and finally knowing what it was like to be happy made the misery so much worse…

"If I could just…"

But then…

"I don't…"

She shouldn't be thinking this… It wasn't fair to Ruby…

"But I don't want to give that up…"

So, so selfish…

"You showed me how to be happy… but… If we'd never met… then you might still be able to live your dream…"

Or it could just be someone else here crying on their knees…

"But I can't change it now, can I?"

She let out a shaky breath; of course she couldn't.

"Ruby, I…"

She took another deep breath.

"I love you Ruby, and there's no way that I could ever thank you enough… You really showed me how to live…"

Somehow she just knew that the sight of all of this wouldn't have made Ruby happy.

"It hurts so much," Weiss continued, "I'd give anything to bring you back but… I can't…" She squeezed her eyes shut; she didn't want to say what was to come next but it needed to be said, "And you know what? I wasn't really living until I met you so… And even knowing what I know now – how much that it could hurt… God it's so selfish of me but… Given the chance… I'd do it all again… I could take the loneliness all over if it meant meeting you again. There are so many things that I would do differently if I could, but I'll be damned if that's one of them… Of all the fears and failures, all the things that I wish I could undo…. Meeting you is the one thing that I… I just can't bring myself to regret…"

Would it have been better to lie than to be so selfish? She didn't know.

Weiss Schnee got up on her own two feet.

"There is one thing I can do for you though," She took a moment to think, and then nodded, "You gave your life to me..." She drew Myrtenaster, "The least I can do is pay it forward… I can't waste that sacrifice now; it's not my life to throw away anymore, is it?" Another deep breath, "I'm going to live your dream for you; that's all I have to give, and it's absolutely yours," She lifted Myrtenaster's hilt up to eye level, "I promise."

Author's Note: As I conclude, I want to thank all of you who took the time out of your day/evening to read this, especially those of you who've seen fit to follow, favorite, and leave reviews; I really appreciate the feedback. I do apologize that this chapter took an extra day; I made the mistake of pulling an all-nighter on Wednesday thinking that I could manage a day without sleep, and while manage I did, almost the instant I got home fro classes on Thursday, my body decided to punish me for my hubris by throwing it's own off switch for sixteen hours… Still, this might have gone out earlier in the day if I didn't have class and some shopping to do. In summary, thank you for your time and patience.

On a liter note, my next piece to go out will in fact be the Valentine's day chapter of "For Every Occasion" on the 14th, appropriately enough. After that though, I'm curious as to what you'd like to see next; floating around in my head are several ideas for Future AU-ish One-shots set after "I'm Not Perfect" involving a wedding, kidnapping, and a night out drinking respectively, as well as an unrelated Angel Beats!/RWBY crossover One-shot featureing Otonashi and one of the RWBY characters (I'm open to suggestions on that front). If any of those ideas interest you, feel free to let me know; I intend to eventually write all of them, but I'm still puzzling over which to prioritize. Anyway, thanks again for reading, and I hope you enjoyed the feels.

Half-Blnd Otaku