For The First Time

Do you know how hard it was to like another girl after you had your first love? It was like a part of yourself would never return again after you offered your heart on her feet and she stumbled on it.

I sighed again as I fix my dress in front of the mirror-finish of the elevator. It wasn't too shiny, nor too simple a number. Just a safe nude-colour fitting dress that stopped modestly right above my knees. I seriously didn't know if the reunion that I would be joining would be formal or not – I wasn't able to read through the entire invitation.

Four years.

It has been exactly four years ever since I last saw my high school buddies. Well, personally see anyway.

Right after high school, I decided to continue my education abroad while some of my friends and classmates remained in Japan to carry on with their lives. Well, most of them. Since some of the smarter and financially-able ones went out of the country as well. Although unlike me who went to Canada and lived with my grandfather, the others went straight to either New York or Los Angeles to live independently.

It's not that I have completely shut them out of my life, I mean – I never revisited Japan again until now but I did make time for online chats and calls. With Hotaru, Anna, Nonoko, Sumire, and some of the boys who I managed to find through online search.

So, when I received the email that contained the reunion invite, the first thing that entered my mind was click that small box beside the title and send it to trash. I didn't know what pushed me to do that – a few years ago, I would be ecstatic. It's not that I turned into a complete anti-social chic either.

It's just that –

Ding!

The elevator woke me up from my thoughts as I hurriedly turned to the mirror-finish again to check if my hair was fine. It is.

I breathed in good just before the elevator doors opened. This would be the first time I would meet everybody after four years of Canadian living. I relaxed then, releasing the air that I was holding in when the doors opened, and stepped into the lavish hall my classmates reserved.

It wasn't unusual back then when I come late – so when I firmly planted both heeled feet on the floor outside the elevator, it was no surprise for me to see everybody already there. Familiar faces welcomed me, they all changed. Whether it was the shape of their faces, or the new colour of their hair, my classmates four years ago all changed.

It was exhilarating.

"Guys, it's Mikan!" I heard someone shout and to my surprise, everybody turned to me. All smiled, some grinned, a few greeted; boasting aside, I was actually quite famous back in high school. I was one of the senior chorale members, and was Prom Queen for the two years we were required to attend. So, I might not be one of the skinny cheerleaders back then, but everybody liked me. At least, I assume I was.

When some approached me with well-meant greetings, I answered back with a genuine happiness. Although most of the greetings were congratulations for me about releasing my own clothing line – I took them to heart. It's not like it was their fault that I haven't contacted them after high school. It was my fault that we couldn't talk about anything else aside from my recent achievement.

Just before I start regretting my decision of coming to this reunion, someone yanked me from the side and guided me out of the circle of crowding classmates. "You didn't show up for four years and now you prefer to talk to classmates you didn't know much about? Man, you really are dense, Mikan."

My eyes widen at the person who had wonderfully rescued me, "Hotaru!"

I can't believe how much I have missed my best friend until I have both arms tight around her. It was so amazing to finally have physical connection with her again after four years. In fact, the feeling was too great that my eyes started to make tears. "I swear, if you cry on my tonight I would kick you." She muttered to me but nonetheless tighten the hug.

"God, I miss you." I whispered back – totally ignoring her half-meant threat. Instead of attempting on humiliating her via crying, I chose the hug to gather myself again and control my dam of feelings.

I'm a woman now. There's no need for me to cry this much.

When Hotaru was sure I was alright again, she released me again and offered a smile. "Come on," she took my hand again and began leading me further into the crowd of classmates. "The others owe me fifty bucks each." I raised a brow at her statement and I just had to ask for why. Hotaru looked back at me, but this time, the predatory overly-familiar smirk of hers were back on. I must say that I missed that. But that didn't mean I would like what she would say next, "There was a bet on whether or not you would come to this blasted party. However, due to your 'isolation' the past four years, the others betted against you coming. And now, I win just about four hundred bucks – thanks to you."

I playfully narrowed my eyes but shrugged at her antics. I guess four years of being in a relationship with Ruka didn't really pay off that much.

It didn't take us long to reach the gang who were seated contentedly in one corner of the hall – all of them either talking or listening intently. However, when they saw me coming – they all raced towards me and almost knocked my senses off me.

The girls hugged me like their lives were depended on that simple gesture. All of them were trying to contain their tears all of the while talking at me about not contacting them more often and not coming back to Japan sooner. As for me, after controlling my emotions from Hotaru's hug, I just accepted their reprimanding tones and tried my best to hug them all at the same time instead. These girls were literal sister for me.

However, after the slight much needed drama, they slowly removed themselves from me and let the boys have their personal hugs with me. I don't know why but everything seems so new and old at the same time.

Their hugs were both warm and familiar. They were still the people I spent my entire high school with only, it seemed that they weren't simply the old them. They, too changed.

For example, Yuu ditched the glasses and went for contacts – and he looked more confident than he was four years ago. Nonoko looked more independent than she were when they were in high school, she was prettier too. Koko was still the naughty funny man that he was, but the naughtiness was tamed and controlled; like he knew when to release a joke and when not to. Anna – god how much she changed; her pink hair for one had purple highlights and she was happier and blooming.

Mochi though looked buff-ier than the last time I saw him; it seems someone was hitting the gym seriously. Sumire though, she didn't changed much but I'm glad that she retained her straightforward behaviour. Ruka, meanwhile was happy. He was happy and I'm sure it was about his recent achievements with regards his involvement with a worldwide organization – or maybe it was my lovely best friend beside him that caused his happiness. Hotaru – Hotaru didn't change at all. Though I'm no longer that sure about that statement seeing that she's a different person to the others, to me and especially to Ruka.

The following hours were spent talking about classmates who came, who dated before, who are still dating, about present and recent jobs, asshole bosses and lazy teams – basically, it was a lot of catching up. And apparently, all I did was listen, laugh and comment at the right time.

It's not that I was too stubborn or left out of the conversations, it was just amazing to listen to people who I had spent most of my teenage years sounding like different folks. It was fun. It was new.

I didn't even know why I sent that email to the trash when I only ended up going. Man, I didn't know what I would be missing then.

"So, Mikan." Sumire called and I looked at her with a smile, "Any new boyfriend we haven't heard of?" She asked me and I could literally feel the gazes of my friends turn from her – to me. I laughed at the absurdity of the question. "Oh come on guys, enough of my love life." I looked at them all before adding, "Let's go back talking about you."

Apparently the 'smooth talk' didn't work since they all raised their brows at me. I only shrugged, "You know – you guys who actually have a lovelife."

I don't know what was funny about what I said but all of them just laughed at it. I looked at them with a questioning look. "What?" I asked. "It's the truth." That didn't do it for instead of quieting down, they only laughed harder. So I waited for them to calm down.

"Okay. That was uncalled for." Nonoko managed to say in between laughter. "Yeah! But what do you mean about us having actual relationships Mikan? We all know you could get the nearest guy in this room, ask if he could be your boyfriend and that lucky guy would agree. Of course, not with slight drooling." Anna added and the guys laughed again.

"Now, that's true." Mochi agreed as he slid an arm to Sumire who leaned to him. "You're very pretty Mikan. You just can't just tell us that you didn't manage to win one awesome guy after four years on Canadian lands." The others simply nodded as I shook my head.

"You guys don't get it." Hotaru answered for me and I beamed at her. "Exactly! You tell them Hotaru."

My best friend looked at the others and said, "Mikan's not over Hyuuga."

Silence.

It was like a vacuum came in and silenced the whole room. Our table of laughter and never-ending chatters was silenced by that simple sentence because if Sumire was straightforward, then Hotaru was simply the trigger. Apparently, both never got over their old habits. I forced a laughter and then I could feel everybody's awkward look move to me.

"That's a good one Hotaru." I playfully slapped her arm in which she raised a brow at. "It's not like I really did love him." I didn't know what happened but suddenly, everybody refused to make an eye contact with me. "Come on guys, we were kids! It was High School! And High School is supposed to be filled with confessions and mistakes we were supposed to look at ten years from now and laugh at." I explained but I still couldn't get the fact that nobody was looking at me in the eye.

But then, it was Ruka who broke the ice with the most horrifying greeting I ever heard that night. "Hey, Natsume!" Wait, my heart stopped for a bit there. "Glad you could make it, buddy!" I was stiff for a moment as I watched Ruka stand up and walked behind me.

Truth is, I know they were talking, I also knew that the others were probably making greetings as well but I couldn't hear them. My heartbeat was too loud to actually listen to the conversations behind me. And then, before I knew it, I excused myself and hurriedly left the table.

I didn't look back nor did I listen to the confused questions of my friends who called me back. I just walked straight to the buffet, grab a glass of champagne and went straight to the open balcony. Only then did I release the air of anxiety that somehow managed to choke me up until I was red.

Don't get me wrong.

It wasn't always that awkward with Natsume Hyuuga.

We were once upon a time great friends too. Only we were leaving bombs of bickering every day that it has been an unspoken normalcy at our high school that at least one of us should leave the school pissed off because of what the other did. It was also an unspoken claim that he was mine. And I was his.

No, we didn't make any official announcement that we were dating or if we were courting. It was just assumed by the school that we were together. Maybe it has started somewhere in junior high when he took me to Prom. Or maybe it started a little bit earlier in freshmen year when the school assumed that I really did show him my underwear thus the reason why he kept calling me polkadots.

Of course, no one in the school community would assume if the tension didn't exsist.

I won't act dumb and ignore it in my head. Because truth is, the tension was real and that Natsume Hyuuga did really swept me off my feet.

The crush started during junior high when he took me to prom. But everything began to get confusing during the senior year. I didn't like it then. So I started to distance myself from him and gave attention to the other suitors. I even dated some who were brave enough to ignore my intimidating best friend and alleged 'boyfriend'.

The bickering decreased while the awkwardness grew. That was the normal behaviour during our senior year. Although whenever I dated or talked to other guys, I always catch myself looking behind as if hoping that Natsume would be looking at me and sweeping me off my feet again or he would look at me with that familiar glare that hinted that he was not amused by the change.

In fact, all of that happened half the year we were on our fourth year. However, during the last half, I couldn't deny the missing feeling anymore. The distance didn't help. Nor did the other boys who all tried their hardest to replace him.

But then, as I slowly stop my aloofness and tried to rebuild the ruined bridge – Natsume began turning his attention to this one girl, Luna.

"Hey." That voice was familiar and told me that I won't be coming out of this. "Your way of hurting our shippers was cold, if I must say polkadots." I didn't turn. I didn't even acknowledge him as he stood a few feet from me. "And you hurt my ego – again."

I just sighed. That walking out was a stupid move.

It only proved that everything was awkward and confirmed the fact that something did exist between the two of us. "Didn't know you still cared for our shippers." I shrugged and sipped my neglected champagne. "And please, no one could hurt that ego of yours Natsume." I let a small laugh escape as the familiar teasing tone flared into me, "You and I know that."

I could see him leaning into the railing on my peripheral vision – his hair flowing along with the wind. I heard him scoff an offended one before answering me. "I doubt it." It was a whisper but it was clear as a nuclear bomb for me, "You always had ways on hurting me ego."

This time, I spun so fast I almost tripped. I looked at him and when I saw him looking back, the air was almost knocked out of me.

Age didn't do him justice.

He looked the same way he looked during graduation day. And that was the last time I literally saw. He was the only one I didn't contact this last four years.

However, like before I always managed to get over his good looks faster than it took a normal girl. I stuttered as I attempted an escape, "Um, I – I need to,"

But then, he already had a hand on my arm, "No." His crimson eyes were already narrowed to full seriousness, "We will talk this out.

"I can't let you continue on hurting and bruising my ego furthermore." I didn't know why but his words just made me feel guilty. Add the fact that he tightened his hold on me as if he was afraid that if he let go, I'd be on my way again. But maybe that was only my hopeful heart saying.

So when I gave him my surrendering nod, he let go of my arm and I slowly returned to my position only, a little bit closer to him.

I didn't say the first words so I stayed silent until he asked me that loaded question.

"Why?"

I didn't look at him – too ashamed to admit that I have so many answers and explanations I got dizzy deciding on where to start.

"Why did you change?" He asked me and I immediately knew that he was asking about the event on senior year when I stopped being a close friend with him.

"I was a bitch. A bad friend." I told him but he answered with a quick scoff. "That's a given. Now I want to know why you turned into that?"

I breathed in deep and asked myself if I should just be honest with myself or keep lying. It was safer to just lie – it would keep my secrets and my heart whole and beyond his reach. But damn, it was getting harder to lie to someone who could still read you like a card even after all these years.

"I was scared." I answered.

"Of what?" He asked back.

And I just groaned and said, "Can we just stop this? It happened so long ago. I don't want to –"

"I believe you have no right to say that to me." Natsume said, and I actually shivered at the cold ice of his voice. "I very much deserve an explanation from you. Why you ditched me that senior year. Why you started putting distance between us that year and why the fuck you didn't contact me this last four years."

That silenced me up. I have no reply to that because I was guilty.

I thought he was fine with it. that all those gazes towards me when I started seeing other guys were just mere adjustment to my sudden change. I didn't think that he could be this affected.

"You don't want to talk?" He asked me as I didn't say anything again after minutes. "Fine, then I'll talk.

"You hurt me." Then again, it was a loaded answer and my heart just raced. "Do you know that I was about to say everything to you that year? That I was going to make it right between the two of us?" He scoffed. "Of course you don't know. You shut me out. You entertained everybody except me."

Now was that insecurity I hear?

"I thought you were okay with it?" I managed to say as the silence after his small speech lengthened. "I thought that you didn't care – when you looked at me and didn't do anything to stop me, I thought everything was one-sided." It was almost a murmur to myself. And it was all honesty.

"Yeah, as if looking at you while wishing if I could break the neck of every single guy you dated with meant I didn't care." He whispered and I almost laughed. "I was confused and scared of everything then, Natsume." I admitted.

"I was confused on where I stood on your circle. Confused if I had the right to complain and question our status. And then – I was scared that I would be denied and rejected." I bowed – too ashamed to handle the mess I did years ago. "I was so scared that I did the wrong thing instead of stepping forward and make a move."

"Damn right." He answered. "I guess I was partly guilty on this case then. I was no lesser coward than you ever were."

Talking with him about a relationship that should have happened was smooth as if we were broken lovers and knew exactly what we were talking about. "How about you?" I asked and noticed that somehow, the distance between the two us became shorter. "Did you and Luna, you know… succeed?"

I was aware that my hurt was on my sleeve then. It was too obvious to hide anyway.

I only heard him chuckle. "She was the first."

I didn't know if I was permanently scarred by what he told me. Though I know that that one simple admission was hurting me more than anything he ever said to me that night.

But then, when I looked at him, he was already looking at me. "She was the first – after my first.

"Do you know how hard it was to like another girl after you had your first love? It was like a part of yourself would never return again after you offered your heart on her feet and she stumbled on it." He stopped and began shifting towards me.

"And Luna. Luna was the first of many failed attempts." He told me.

And slowly, his hands were on me again – guiding me to look at him instead of the night view of Tokyo.

It was like looking at him for the first time. Again. "Now, did you really mean what you said back at the table?" He asked me and my eyes widen in confirmation. "About confessions and mistakes?"

I bit my lip as I felt him coming nearer and nearer. There was no way out in his arms. And to be honest, I'm not sure if I want to escape this one.

So, I shook my head in a no.

It's more like I felt him smile than saw his lips stretch in an amused genuine smile, "I thought so."

Then he kissed me.

It wasn't the first time we kissed. Nor was it the first time I was kissed. But it was definitely a first to many more since we pretty much confessed everything on that skyscraper of a venue.

I shouldn't have sent that invite to trash so soon. Maybe then, I'd know who was hosting the event and for what reason (Read AN for information.)

I just finished the series Awkward on season 3 and I just had to make a romance themed fic. And since I only shipped XS on KHR (I'm a loyal writer) and I am not READY to make a BL fic. So, I decided to redebut on my Gakuen Alice fanfics. Most of you probably recognize the old pename RavenHimeSama and yes, I am she though I no longer continue and update as her since well, that was years ago and blah!

And about the invite, it was Hotaru who was hosting the reunion and it was for, on her own words, reconnect the lovers that were never were. Alright? Damn, I need to go sleep. I still need to update my fic.

OH YEAH, is there something wrong with this fanfic site? Because I've been updating my fics but it's not showing on the site. Sure I get updates and reviews but IT'S NOT SHOWING! UGH.

Well, if you want to follow me for updates and craziness – check me out on twitter and look for xaki04. Toodles!