CHAPTER TEN: BEWARE HENRY THE CAT!!!

Everyone seems to love the way I write Ansem. I'm happy with this, yes, but I'm also curious on why. Is he really that funny? I tried to make him a klutz but now he seems more like a wannabe bad-ass. Oh well. I'm also glad that, while people don't like me hurting Cloud, they don't mind that I made him hopelessly stupid.

Disclaimer? *throws you to chapter two* There it is!

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Ah, this was it. With one day left, our heroes must save Sora and Riku today, or the whole thing will be a failure and the bad guys will win. Will they, or do our heroes have something up their sleeves?

"Oh shut up and get on with the story already..."

"Ansem! Do you have to be so mean?" Yuffie scolded, hitting him lightly with the Conformer.

"Ow! And yes, I have to, I'm evil, you know!" Ansem rubbed his head. Oh, the pain...

Leon opened his mouth, but Ansem cut him off.

"Shut up, I don't want to hear your stupid philosophies about the ignorance of humanity!" He growled, then walked off in some random direction that he knew was the right way.

"Awwww... Leon, don't be sad..." Yuffie hugged her husband, stroking his hair. Leon was enjoying this very much, and the two followed their once great and powerful ruler. Keyword is "once".

After fifteen minutes of walking, floating, cursing, random song singing and murder (the poor porcupine didn't see it coming...), the trio stopped in front of the old Seaside shack, where a legendary battle of mass proportion would occur, and be written in the history books to be re-told and horribly mutilated by old geezers for years to come.

Leon strode in front of the door and, with a powerful roundhouse kick, knocked it down with a smash. The door toppled and landed on Cloud, who was recovering from his recent Mako-poisoning. The author laughed with glee. Much glee.

"I'm OK..." Cloud moaned. Leon stepped onto the door, crushing poor Cloud slowly and ignoring his shrill cries for help. He spotted Sora and Riku, tied up in the corner of the room.

"H-hey!" Alice squeaked, cowering under the teen's glare. "Y-you're not s-s-supposed to d-do that..."

Ansem strode toward Sora and Riku, saying nothing as he untied the ropes. "Leave her alone, I don't think she's gonna put up much of a fight..." He warned.

Helping the two boys up, they waited patiently, looking at a confused Alice, seeming to expect something.

"Wha-what?? D-do you want to hear m-me say sorry??" Alice stammered, bracing herself for possible attack.

"Dude... you have to send your monster thingy at us now..." Ansem explained. He frowned at Alice's confused glance. "You're a newbie villain, aren't you? So... you don't have an evil monster/machine thing to kill us?"

Alice shook her head.

"Uh.. I wasn't expecting this, so I never got one..." She scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Well, I have something just as good! CLOUD! COME HERE, I HAVE A COOKIE!"

With inhuman force, the door that Leon was standing on suddenly launched forward, knocking poor Leon out of the shack. Cloud jumped to Alice's side and looked around.

"Where be the cookie??"

"If you kill them-" Alice pointed to the scared and confused group, "-I'll give you it. But don't hurt Riku!"

"I thought Riku was in FFX?" Cloud asked, confused. His small brain erased all information about this "Riku" and was now occupied in the goodness that is cookies. COOKIES BE GOODER!

"The small silver-haired one! Sephiroth's son!" Alice screeched.

"YEAH! I KILL NOW!" Cloud drew his Buster Sword, then a black demon sprouted out his back. He grinned sadistically.

Yuffie drew her shuriken, Leon limped over and drew his gunblade. Ansem stood in the back, being unarmed and a mage.

"NO ONE GETS IN THE WAY OF MY COOKIE!" Cloud yelled and lunged forward, slashing at Leon first. The SeeD commander jumped up to avoid the strike and brought the gunblade down to slice Cloud in half and rid the world of his stupidity, and the blade landed on Cloud's head with an audible SMACK!

Silence.

There was a crack, and the blade shattered, while Cloud's spiky head remained perfectly intact and perfect.

'YOU BROKE MY GUNBLADE!!" Leon screamed in rage. "SCREW BEING FAIR!" He loaded the gun and shot at Cloud's chest. The bullets were repelled from his chest and instead flew to his back, where a clank was heard. Cloud just stared at Leon, marinating in his own stupidity.

"Oh yeah, Cloud has a magnet on his back to hold his sword in place..." Yuffie sheepishly told Leon, rubbing the back of her head.

"AAAAUUGGGHHH! DAMN MAGNET!!!" Leon was filled with so much rage that is this was in FFIX, he would be in a permanent trance mode for the rest of the game. But FFIX this was not, and Leon glanced at Ansem.

"DRAW: HOLY!" Leon held his "Draw" stance, and Ansem had the sensation of something being stolen from him. Blue orbs flew from Ansem and landed on Leon. He blinked, and was lost in confusion. Leon, however, looked very pleased.

"NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT! HOLY!" Leon stuck his hand out and watched with glee as the white lights exploded against Cloud. However, when the fury ended, Cloud was still there, unhurt and still swimming in stupidity.

"Are you done yet?" He asked.

"B-b-b-b-b-b-buuuuttt...." Leon stepped back, suddenly scared. Why was Cloud invincible??

"Hahahahahaha! It takes a minimum IQ of 1 to understand the power of magic, you see, and Cloud's IQ tops at -23!" Alice cackled, proud of the Ex-SOLDIER's stupidity, even though Cloud was never in SOLDIER to begin with.

Yuffie got into the action, throwing shurikens left and right at Cloud. Unfortunately, all the shurikens met the same fate as Leon's bullets and were drawn to his back with an audible clank. She tried to throw the Conformer at Cloud's head, but it got stuck in his spike and now Yuffie was stuck without a weapon.

"Wow, Riku, we're doomed..." Sora noticed. He suddenly smiled with glee. 'I'LL SING THE DOOM SONG! Doom, doom doom..." He sang. Riku groaned and held his face in his hands, overcome with misery. He started sobbing, wondering why the hell he had such bad luck.

Cloud took the moment to attack our helpless heroes. He successfully threw Leon and Yuffie aside and was now trying to feebly reach Ansem, who was floating out of harm's reach at the top of the shack.

"Doom doom doom doom..." Sora continued to sing. Riku glared at him, and looked at something else to help him feel better. He spotted Sora's Keyblade sitting right beside him and Riku smacked his forehead. Sora's stupidity was taking it's effect.

"Sora! Use the Keyblade and Strike Raid Cloud!" Riku commanded, pushing the Keyblade into Sora's hands. Sora looked at his weapon and smiled with glee. He grabbed the Keyblade and stood up, facing Cloud.

"TAKE THIS!" Sora yelled, and hurled the weapon at Cloud. It continued spinning, and in a once-in-a-lifetime shot, bounced off Cloud's stupidity-enforced head and spun up, striking Ansem. Ansem fell to the ground in a crumpled heap. The Keyblade shot back at Sora, and caught him off guard. Sora was knocked out, the Keyblade clattered to the ground, and Riku groaned. He was doomed.

"Hey, thanks!" Cloud waved and he kicked Ansem aside. He strode over to a glee-filled Alice. "Can I have my cookie now?"

"No." She answered bluntly.

Cloud's smile disappeared, replaced by hurt. He stared at the cookie in Alice's hand.

"But... you said... I could have a cookie..." Cloud stammered, angry that Alice was breaking their promise.

"Well, there's only one here, and I think I deserve it. Now go away!" Alice shooed him away and bit into what was supposed to be Cloud's cookie.

Something in Cloud's fragile mind snapped, and thoughts of "Alice" ,"ate" and "cookie" flooded his small brain. Cloud drew up the Buster Sword, now shaking with anger.

"NO, ALICE! YOU SAID YOU WOULD GIVE ME A COOKIE!! YOU SAID! NOW YOU ATE THE COOKIE!! I'M NOT WORKING FOR YOU ANYMORE!!" Cloud brought down the Buster Sword, breaking open the table Alice was sitting at. She gasped in fear and jumped back.

"N-Now, C-Cloud... c-c-c-can we t-talk about t-this?" Alice weakly squeaked, backing up and trying to avoid the angry, now-homicidal Ex-SOLDIER who was never in SOLDIER, and his huge Buster Sword that was NOT made from aluminum alloy.

"NOOOO!!! COOOOOKKKKIIIIIIIEEEEE!!" Cloud slashed at Alice, missing only because Alice was so short.

"AAAAIIIIIIIEEEE!!' Alice jumped out the window and ran away, leaving Cloud to go collect his thoughts. He surveyed the area, eyes focusing on the knocked-out Sora and the sobbing Riku, then to the unconscious Leon and Yuffie, and finally to Ansem, who was awake and in major pain.

"WHAT HAVE I DONE??" He cried, falling to his knees. "I was mean to all my friends, only because I wanted cookies!" Cloud felt a change of heart coming on, and he quickly whipped out the Yu-Gi-Card.

"I can do it! I'm gonna help everyone!" Cloud smiled, and quickly casted Life and Curaga on everyone.

"Gawd, my head..." Yuffie moaned, then she squealed with delight and hugged Leon, who was sprawled on top of her.

"Gaaahh... where was I? Oh yeah! Doom doom doom..." Sora sang the minute he regained consciousness.

"The pain is gone! Yay!" Ansem jumped up, and looked around. "Cloud? Why did you help us?"

"Because..." Cloud whimpered. "I did this all for cookies! AND DID I GET COOKIES? NO!" He cried, looking perfectly miserable.

"Oh no, Cloud saved us?" Leon moaned. Ansem and Yuffie gravely nodded. Then they noticed the cliff conviently placed right beside the little wooden shack.

"...Guys, he DID save us..." Yuffie quietly reminded the two grinning men.

"Yeah, he'll get all the glory too, and Ansem still be picked on, you'll still be regarded as whiny Materia brat, and my game will continue to be bashed by ignorant FF7 fanboys!" Leon pointed out.

They could just hear it now. Cloud, the perfect main character, loved by everyone, did what three powerful warriors (well, two warriors and a mage) could not do. Aerith would be nicer to him, FF7 would gain more popularity, there would be parties, books, movies... Leon, Yuffie and Ansem would just be regarded as failures, and would be stuck to live under Cloud's shadow once more!

"We can't allow this!" Ansem firmly decided, and they strode over to a sniveling Cloud.

"Cloud, we have something to show you." Ansem smiled. Cloud's face lit up with excitement. Chuckling, the trio lead Cloud out to the side of the cliff. It was tall, perhaps 70 feet tall, and there were sharp rocks at the bottom. The waves looked menacing as they crashed against the shoreline.

"Cloud..." Leon started. "We want you to stare down the cliff. We'll get your present soon..."

"OK!" Cloud concentrated on the bottom of the cliff with glee. Ansem suddenly pushed Cloud forward, letting him tumble down to his death.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......" Cloud's screams were stopped by a very nice splash sound. The three looked at each other and smiled.

"We will never speak of this again." They decided, and they went back to Sora and Riku, explaining that the whole thing was just some crazy hallucination brought on by alcohol.

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So ends our confusing tale of woe. But there are questions left unanswered. Where did Alice go? Did Cloud survive the fall? Were Ansem, Yuffie and Leon constantly plagued by the fact that they murdered the very one that they saved?

The ending was so sudden and rushed, just like FF7's ending. Of course... here is the epilogue, where you may draw your own conclusions...

EPILOGUE (or, events that hint toward a possible sequel)

"Mooooooom... I'm going out with Sora!" Riku pranced to the door, about to open it.

"Alright!" Aerith smiled, poking her head out from the kitchen door. "Just be back by eight, OK?"

"OK!" Riku exited the house, rushing to the beach. Aerith laughed cheerfully, and she strode to the living room. Sephiroth was there, sitting on the couch, playing Final Fantasy X and complaining about Tidus' whiny voice and why Lulu couldn't lower her dress further down.

Aerith snuck her arms around his waist and kissed his head.

"Hey, honey..." Sephiroth smiled, tilting his head up.

"Riku's out with Sora, just to let you know." She informed him. Sephiroth frowned.

"Well, I would like it if he had a nice FEMALE lover, but... it's cute to see them in love..." Sephiroth reutned his wife's smile. He didn't take the news as bad as everyone thought.

~~~~

"Riku! I thought you were late!" Sora smiled, waving Riku over. Sora was sitting by the seashore. It was dark and the starts shone, bathing the sky with beauty.

"Aw, Sora, I'm never late!" Riku smiled, and he gave Sora an affectionate kiss in the lips. Sora smiled and dropped something on Riku's hand.

"Hm...? A Paopu fruit?" Riku looked at the star shaped fruit with confusion.

"You wanted to share one with me a year ago, right?" Sora asked, remembering the day at the docks where Riku tossed him one. Riku nodded, lips curling up to a smile. Sora remembered...

He bit into the fruit, tasting the tangy juice then handed it to Sora. Sora was about to bite into it when...

"AAAHHHHH!! TEEF!! I SAID I WAS SORRY! NOT IN THE FACE, NOT IN THE FACE!!"

Riku rolled his eyes. Sora laughed and bit into the fruit, hugging Riku. "Now we're stuck forever!" He smiled, and hugged Riku tighter.

Now, Riku thought with amusement, was that a curse or a blessing?

~~~~

"Awww, Teef, I said I was sorry!" Reno chuckled, dodging another book. Tifa caught him flirting with a bar waitress and he paid dearly for it.

"You say that all the time! Reno, do you really love me...?" Tifa sighed. Sometimes she was sick of Reno.

Reno grinned wolfishly and hugged Tifa, stroking her hair.

"C'mon, babe, why do you think I married you? I was just playing, all the girls know I'm taken..."

"You mean it?"

"Yeah! Now... wanna do the horizontal boogie with me?"

SMACK!

Reno was answered with a book to his face.

"You're really sweet, Reno..." Tifa laughed, rubbing his face for him. "But your come-on lines suck."

~~~~

Kairi sat back on her couch, flipping through various TV channels. She looked patiently at the clock.

Well, she sadly mused, There goes the best weekend of my life...

As if in cue, the door burst open and Ansem walked in. He looked around and was surprised that the apartment was still intact.

"Hey, Dad!" Kairi greeted him. "How was the wedding?"

"Terrible. I ended up killing someone again..." Ansem muttered. He whipped out his sin list and added "Killing Cloud Strife" to the list, then reviewed it. Yep, he was going to hell, no question about it.

"Was it Sora??" She asked gleefully, turning around and gripping the top of the couch. Ansem shook his head. She groaned and let her head drop onto her arms.

"Strife." Ansem quietly said, then he grinned. "I pushed him off a cliff!"

"Now I can't nominate him for the Darwin Awards!" Kairi laughed, and she moved over for her father to sit on the couch. He did so, then in no time, he drifted off to sleep, dreaming of bloody shooting sprees and whatnot.

~~~~

"Squall, look at him... isn't he cute??"

"Yeah, yeah... and it's Leon..."

"Squall! You are not looking at him!"

"For the love of Shiva, it's LEON!"

"Awwww... but our new kitty is sooo cute!"

Yuffie squeezed the kitten again and petted it. The kitten, a cute beige color with a white-ringed tail, purred. Leon rolled his eyes, wondering how someone can get all caught up in one silly cat.

The kitten crept out from Yuffie's grasp and settled onto Leon's lap, purring and rolling against his stomach. Leon smiled and tickled the kitten under his chin.

"See, you like the cat too!" Yuffie teased. She giggled and rested her head on Leon's shoulder. Awwwww... how sweet...

~~~~

"Aw man! How the hell will I be able to return THIS to Sephiroth?"

After using just about every trick in the book to rid himself of fangirls (Lance only ignored Trick #45: Get a weapon of mass destruction and kill them all), Lance was now stuck in Deling City, dragging around a huge eight foot sword and was deprived from the precious substance known s coffee for eight hours.

"GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" Lance screamed, and he proceeded to run around in circles cursing his life and cursing Russia for not letting him go into space.

"You want to go to space, do you not?"

The sound of the odd voice made him stop and stare off into the darkness in confusion.

"W-who's there?" Lance called out, feeling very scared. "I have the Masamune and I'm not afraid to use it!" He warned.

"Don't be afraid! Nothing bad will-AUGH!!" The figure tripped and fell, some of it's hair spilling in the spotlight. It looked rather...blonde...and chocobo-ish...

"Hey! Is that you-"

"SSSHHHH!!" The figure shushed Lance. "No one is supposed to know I'm Cloud Strife yet!"

"Um... OK... Cloud..."

"NO! I AM NOT CLOUD!!"

"OK, OK, Person-who-is-not-Cloud!" Lance calmed down the hysterical figure. The figure resumed his "I-am-evil-so-fear-me" pose and he gained back the creep deep voice.

"Anyway... I can help you get there... IF you help me!"

"Oooooh! I can go up to space too??" Lance asked, his eyes all starry.

"Yes. All you must do is get me some cookies. Chewy. Chocolate Chip, please." The figure ordered.

Lance was again confused, but hey, it's an offer to go to space for a measly box of cookies, why not?

"I'll be back!" And with that, Lance ran off to the nearest supermarket. Little did the singer know, he would regret ever taking up the offer...

END OF PART ONE

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And we are done. Done. With Part One :) YAY!! Finally, I got this thing finished and I am very happy!

I made this part one because I have too many different fanfic ideas swimming in my head. Maybe I can combine them and come up with something so stupid, I'll get shot for being a disgrace to all human-kind. WISH ME LUCK, LOL!

Oh yes, THANKS TO ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO REVIEWED THIS STORY!! Have a Happy New Year and may school/college/work/life have mercy on you.