Chapter Thirty-Two

Beckett tapped on the open door to Castle's hospital room, relieved to see that he was alone. In spite of her promise that she and Alexis would come here first thing in the morning she'd left the girl fast asleep on her sofa, figuring she needed the rest.

"Hey…" she whispered. His eyes opened, crinkling as he took her in, his gaze sleepy. She blushed. guilt rushing through her veins; if only she'd been here yesterday when he'd first woken. Tears prickled behind her eyelids and she fought them back.

"Kate?" he mumbled, his eyes opening a little more, and she nodded, stepping forward into the room.

"Mmm. I'm here." Kate met his eyes - red-rimmed, weary eyes - and tears formed in her own again. Outside, in the hall, she registered that the hospital was waking up; the gentle hush was lifting. Foot traffic past the room was increasing, and trolleys scraped the linoleum.

"Hey…" Castle's voice was softer, he was becoming sleepier, and she looked at him. "I missed you," he murmured, his eyes closing. She sniffed, leaning in to him and sighing as his breathing changed and he slipped into a doze.

If he was going to sleep, she was going to wait right here, she decided, not releasing her grip on his hand, but standing and shifting her chair awkwardly so that she could prop herself against his bed. She may have missed him waking yesterday, but she would be here when he woke up again today.

"What are you doing, Kate?"

His voice was a mere croak and she jerked her head up, waking from her own light slumber to the realization that her hand was still entwined in his, and she disentangled herself, stretching out and resting her hand back on his. "Waiting," she whispered, unable to meet his eyes or stop the immediate cascade of tears escaping from her own. "Just waiting for you."

"Where were you?" he asked, and she shook her head.

"Here," she said. "Right here, babe."

"Did you call me babe?" he chuckled, and then winced as the movement pulled at his arm, pain flooding his features. She watched, horrified, as he flinched, his breathing jagged.

"I'm calling the nurse," she told him, leaning over and pressing on the buzzer on the wall; he looked a lot less steady now than he had when she'd first slipped into the room an hour ago.

Castle shrugged, his face twisting in voiceless discomfort, and Kate squeezed his hand, wishing she were lying in the bed in his place. Before she could say anything else, a nurse bustled in.

"Mr. Castle," she said. "Good morning. You're looking much better." Kate blinked; how had he looked yesterday if this was better?

Castle smiled back at the nurse weakly, and Kate dropped his hand, bringing her own up to swipe at the tears on her cheek. "I'll just-" she pointed to the door. "I'll step outside."

The nurse nodded, and Beckett leaned in to read her name tag - Sarah. "Won't be long, dear," Sarah told Kate. "You can come back soon."

"Hey, Beckett?" Castle asked, a semblance of command forced into his voice. "Can you bring me a coffee?"

She nodded, the tears flowing again; now they'd started they showed no sign of abating; and Sarah shook her head kindly.

"Decaf," she instructed, and Kate couldn't hold back her chuckle when she saw the look of disgust cross Rick's face over the pain.

Beckett knocked on the door to Castle's hospital room again, two coffees in hand, plastering a smile on her face when she saw Alexis had perched herself in the chair she'd vacated.

"Hey." She raised hand in greeting, and Kate smiled to see the girl in the clean clothes she'd left on the end of the sofa. "You're here."

"I am," she agreed, setting Castle's coffee down on the nightstand beside him. Alexis' tears had flowed fast and free last night, and when she'd sneaked out this morning the red-head had been sacked out on her sofa. To be honest, she'd hoped Alexis would sleep much longer; she wanted more time alone with Castle and while she'd meant it when she'd told the girl that she would tell her the truth one day, that day wasn't today.

She was forced to grasp her own cup of coffee firmly to avoid dropping it in her surprise as Alexis leaped up and embraced her, and she nodded at her, running her free hand awkwardly through her red hair.

"Here's your key," Alexis said when she pulled away, producing Kate's spare and handing it over, and she took it, slipping it into her pocket.

Castle looked at Alexis, obviously curious, but his daughter just shrugged. "How are you really, Dad?" she asked.

"Better, sweetie," he said. Alexis' expression softened. She cast a shy smile in Beckett's direction, and Kate felt her own lips twitch in the semblance of a smile in response. "I can come home at the end of the week."

"And then what?" Beckett asked.

"Uh- some physical therapy." He grinned. "Gina's going to kill me."

Alexis laughed, obviously getting the joke, but Beckett shook her head. "Why?"

"I… can't write on painkillers," he said, and Alexis grinned.

"He uses the same words, over and over," she clarified. "Like three times in one paragraph."

"Some words are important," Castle protested.

Alexis fixed him with a look. "Stupendous and abominable aren't words that need to be overused," she admonished, and Castle had the grace to look abashed, reaching for his coffee with a wince.

"Tell me this isn't decaf," he begged Kate, and she shook her head.

"Sorry," she said, and she put her own cup of coffee down and buried her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry," she said again. "Both of you- I- Alexis, it's my fault your dad was in danger-"

Alexis shook her head, and Castle opened his mouth, but it was Alexis who spoke first, a wry chuckle escaping her lips, her good humor apparently returned after a good night's sleep. "In danger? Kate, he met you when I was kidnapped. So I don't think any of our lives were all that safe even before you came along."

Castle nodded. "Kate-"

She shook her head. "I'm just so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Castle insisted quietly, and Alexis shifted uncomfortably in her chair.

"I'll- uh-" she pointed at the door. "I'll be back soon, 'kay?"

Castle nodded, and Beckett clenched her fists, uncomfortable with the turn the morning had taken. She should have been here yesterday.

Castle frowned, narrowing his eyes at her as if to gain focus. "I thought you would be here when I woke up yesterday," he told her, and she shrugged, not following.

Maybe solving this and closing the deal with Bracken should have waited. She swallowed. No. Timing had been everything yesterday, and she was certain she'd saved lives. She couldn't be sorry for that.

"I remember everything that happened after I was shot," he said. "Everything. When a life altering moment occurs, the important things stand out- the rest of it bleeds into the background. I remember standing beside you as you gave the eulogy. And I remember you leaping at me." He laughed, a short, dry sound. "If you hadn't done that, I guess the bullet would have gone through my heart, not my shoulder, and we wouldn't be having this conversation, I suppose.

"I remember the burn of the bullet through my shoulder, and I remember falling. And I remember what you said." He paused, considering. "I thought I'd imagined it. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew. I'm a writer, but even my imagination isn't good enough to imagine the look that was in your eyes when you told me- what you told me."

"Castle-" she tried, but he shook his head.

"So yeah, I expected to see you yesterday. I remember now. I woke thinking that I would see you smiling down at me. And when Alexis told me what you were doing- I was scared. Really scared." He shrugged, an awkward one armed movement that saw his coffee sway dangerously from where he gripped it tightly in his good hand. "I don't want your apologies, Kate. I want- well, I want what you told me. I don't know- maybe it was a lie, something to keep me in the moment, to keep me alive, keep fear at bay?"

She shook her head. "Not a lie," she whispered. "But I was scared, too. I kept imagining a few scenarios of my own. Not just when you were shot, but after that." Beckett squeezed her eyes shut. "I didn't think you would want to see me, at first. But then I realized that more than anything, I had to keep you safe. I had to move quickly to keep everyone safe. I spent yesterday with the boys working out exactly what we needed to do. But I meant what I said."

Castle looked at her, astonishment on his face, and she swept a tired hand over her own.

"I meant what I said," she repeated. "I… love you. I meant it when I said it, and I meant it for a long time before I said it. I've… felt it for a long time now. And you have to know that I wasn't here yesterday because I was hiding, but because I needed to make sure we wouldn't have to hide at all anymore. Any of us."

Castle nodded, his expression relaxing, and the fear dissolving from his eyes. "Kate… I love you." She bit her lip, letting it wash over her, the echo of her own words sounding good on his lips.

"I… love you too, Rick," she whispered back, her heart clenching in her chest as she leaned in to press her lips against his, relishing the feel of his two-day old stubble against her cheek.

He should be running a mile from her, not returning her feelings. She had done this to him, in her quest to chase windmills. And what had she gained? The truth. And it hurt.

"So what happened yesterday? You know who did this, I guess?" He indicated the chair beside his bed with a nod, and she sank into it.

She bit her lip, considering how much to tell him.

"Bracken," she said at last, and he nodded, evidently unsurprised. "And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This-" she gestured at him, at the IV beside him, at the hospital bed. "This is all my fault." Her mentor was dead and her boyfriend had been shot. And the man responsible continued to sit comfortably, remaining invulnerable, but for the tenuous thread of evidence with which she had threatened him.

"How is this your fault, Kate?" he asked, his voice gentler now, less accusing.

"My mom's case," she said again. "And I should have been able to protect you- and I failed so spectacularly. God, Castle. You were shot."

"I'm aware," he said dryly, raising an unsteady hand to his shoulder. "But you weren't the one who pulled the trigger."

Kate shrugged, burying her face in her hands, unable to speak.

"Why not just shoot you?" Her head jerked up but Castle eyes were suddenly wide and he shook his head. "Sorry, no. That sounded- I didn't mean it like that! I'm on painkillers, Beckett!"

"Um?" She grinned in spite of herself. Okay, so Alexis was right. If gems like that were going to come out of his mouth when he was doped up maybe writing wasn't the best thing for him.

"I mean, why did they shoot me?"

She bit her lip, intent on pushing back the fresh tears that threatened to spill again. "Maybe just a warning," she answered. "I think we got very lucky- we found a sniper rifle and I think we're just lucky that whoever Bracken tasked with killing… us… just wasn't a very good shot. But we don't know. Maybe they did just want to scare us.

"So I, uh- struck a deal with him. Yesterday." She nodded, looking around to check that none of the nurses in the hallway were within earshot. "Same deal Montgomery had, before he threatened to break it all apart and was- killed. Ryan and Esposito and I spent all day and most of the night making our case against Bracken as water-tight as possible. We won't be prosecuting or making any moves yet, though. Right now it's just insurance."

"One day," Castle promised her, putting his empty coffee cup onto the nightstand and reaching out, taking her hand. She watched as he folded his fingers into hers. "Together."

She stared at their hands for a moment, understanding hitting her all at once. He wasn't a mere bystander who had been swept up in something meaningless to him. Instead, he had been beside her the whole time, and she owed it to him to be there for him. She'd made promises when Alexis was kidnapped, and they hadn't been hers to make; she'd made them blindly, but their tentative friendship had survived.

Their relationship would come through this too.

She pushed her guilt aside. Cops were shot, sometimes. And partners took bullets for one another; she'd seen that more than once in her years on the Force. And Castle might not be a cop, but he was her boyfriend, her civilian consultant, and her partner.

"It's enough," she said.

"Is it?" he asked, and she brought her gaze up from where it rested on their hands, meeting his eyes.

"For now," she said quietly.

She gestured to their fingers, entwined.

"And for now, we have this."

A/N: Wow. So… this was my NaNoWriMo. And it owned me for the last six months, and now we're… done. I think I'm kind of relieved, and kind of sad! I'm for sure confused... But I do know that I'm grateful- grateful to Kylie for the beta, grateful that she's still talking to me (she saw some of these chapters *so* many times), grateful for my FB gals, and to you guys, the readers. I thank you, for your reads and reviews, tweets and follows... Until tomorrow. x