A/N #1:

So, this chapter is named after one of my favorite Rise Against songs, and it is very fitting for this chapter. The song tells a similar story to the one I've made for our favorite pair. Good news! I've mapped out the rest of the story (loosely) and there are potentially 7 more chapters, maaaaybe 5 b/c I might be able to combine a few of them if one of them is running a little short. Also, I don't ship Sastiel b/c it doesn't make sense to me. (I won't hate on it though) I just wanted to clarify that even though you are going to get a lot of Sam and Cas interactions for the next several chapters, this is still strictly a Destiel story. Now, I would tell you to enjoy, but this is just another morbid chapter :(

"Dean, do you have any idea what you have done?!" Castiel repeated when he didn't receive an answer the first time. Judging from the startled look on Dean's face, the Hunter must not know what he's done at all. Knowing Dean Winchester the way that he does, Castiel can guess that Dean just walked head first into the first thing that crossed his path that would potentially help in ridding the world of Abaddon.

"I know that it's the mark of Cain..." Dean spoke. Sure, Cain had mentioned consequences, but he didn't get into detail and, honestly, Dean would have taken the mark regardless. There was no other way of getting rid of Abaddon, so what choice does he have? Consequences be damned.

"Oh, so you do know that much at least. What an astute observer you are, Dean," Castiel stated sarcastically. Why didn't Dean try to come to them so they could all work together? Sure, there's tension, but that's happened in the past, and they would work through it. They could have found another solution if Dean had just come to them first. The Angel watched as the other man's face darkened from fear to anger.

"And what does that mean, asshole?!" fired Dean. The Hunter cannot believe what he's just heard. Castiel must really be on a high horse to be talking that way to Dean. How many times has the Angel fallen for some ploy? How many time has Dean forgiven him?

"It means that you are an idiot," Castiel sneered. "Do you even know what that mark does?" he asked while he gestured to the other man's arm.

"Yeah, it'll let me kill the queen bitch which is all I need it to do," retorted Dean.

"That's not all it does," stated the Angel. If only the Hunter knew what he had subjected himself to. But...even if he had, would that have stopped Dean? Probably not. He was always the one willing to sacrifice himself for others. Castiel just wished that Dean would one day do something for himself.

"Oh yeah? And you just so happen to know?" Dean squints his eyes in disbelief.

"As a matter of fact I do."

"You gonna share with the class, Cas?" asked Dean while he spread his arms out when Castiel didn't elaborate.

"No. No, you are going to learn for yourself," said Castiel as he petulantly crossed his arms over his chest.

"You are so fucking pretentious, you know that?" Dean angrily exclaimed. "First, you won't tell me why the fuck I couldn't remember actual Hell until a few months ago, and now you've decided that you're just going to keep more things to yourself?! Just who the FUCK do you think you are?!"

"A man betrayed by the man he loves. That is who the 'fuck' I know I am," growled the Angel. He was seething now. He has never felt so angry or betrayed in his life. How could Dean do this? Has he not learned anything? Surely he is a more capable Hunter than this. Of course he isn't thought Castiel to himself.

Dean scoffed in derision as he leaned against the counter, gripping it tightly. Just what betrayal is he talking about?

Castiel can only look in disbelief at the man across from him, thinking of what he could say next. "I will tell you, Dean, that there is a price that comes with that mark. A price that I don't think you're aware you've paid, quite frankly."

"What does the price matter for? I get to kill Abaddon, Cas," Dean shouted. Is the Angel listening to a word he's saying?

"I'm sure if you knew, you would have thought twice before allowing Cain to place that upon you."

"What're you talking about, Cas?" he said in an exasperated tone. Dean has done nothing except for what he himself has already been deemed his responsibility.

"I am speaking of the fact that I have resigned myself to a lot of things in the time I've known you," Castiel answered, pacing about the kitchen to help with the sheer anger boiling through him. "If you needed me to be a soldier for your cause, I did so. If you needed me to help you carry a burden, I became your strength. If all you needed was an empty hole to fuck into, I was that, too. I was even willing to take your love in the form of hatred, or as the dirt beneath your shoe because anything in your presence is better than nothing at all, but this-this I cannot watch. Watching you crumble beneath the burden of that mark is something I refuse to see. You are going to destroy everything I have ever sacrificed for you." Castiel cannot fathom the gall of the man in front of him. Why must he be like this?

"What is going on? Why are you talking like this?" asked Dean perplexed. What has gotten into the Angel? None of this is making sense. He found a solution to their Demon problem, and here he is being chewed out for it.

"Because you are all I've ever known," Castiel answered. "I was created for you: my entire existence only came about for you. But I don't know if I can forgive you for what are about to become. Even for the sake of the you that took me five years to fix."

"You mean the me that cut into you everyday for five years?" Dean shoots back bitterly. Flashes of what he has been remembering the past few months come to the surface, and he feels sick to his stomach.

"Yes," Castiel murmured. He recalls that delicate soul that had been torn asunder because of its time spent in Hell. The soul that he loved with his entire being and watched slowly heal itself. The torture was a means to an end: it wasn't the real Dean. That was the Dean that had to do what was necessary to survive: a nerve laid bare. The Angel can still recall the pleas of the man before him after he rescued him from Hell. Those words still do nothing but send a stab of pain through his borrowed heart.

"How could you love such a monster, huh?" Dean shouted. "You know, I had another dream a few days ago. I kissed you, and then carved into your chest for your heart because I wanted to see your 'love' pulsating in my palm. What kind of freak deserves you after that?!" Dean has to curl his hand into a fist so that the man across from him can't see how hard its trembling.

"You. Because I know what lies beneath that rough exterior you are so keen to hide behind," countered Castiel.

"Yeah?" Dean spits sarcastically. "And what's that?"

"The most beautiful soul in all of Creation," Castiel answers in a tone of awe. "A soul made just for me. A soul that I saw struggling to burn brighter than the Hell Fire that almost consumed it. A soul that I nursed back to health in the only way that I know how: through forgiveness. And look at what you have done with that forgiveness. You have shoved it back into my face."

"Then why did you erase my memories?! Why won't you tell me?!" Dean roared.

"I cannot tell you, Dean." The Angel can feel an irrational amount of anger coursing through his veins. He wants to tell Dean everything, but if Dean is to keep his sanity, he needs to experience that memory for himself. Castiel wishes that that moment of weakness all those years ago could have been the one time he could have held steadfast to his own desires. They would not be in this predicament if Castiel hadn't coddled Dean.

"And what if I never remember?" inquires Dean with a hint of fear in his voice.

"I hope you don't," Castiel says barely audible. Not for the Angel's sake, but for his own. Dean is not ready to face the truth behind his missing memories.

"You know what, Cas? Fuck you," Dean hisses. He's had enough of this.

"You already did. Last night," Castiel retaliates. "I want you to cherish that last memory of us sharing a bed together because it will not be happening again. That heathen mark is the most repulsive thing I have ever laid eyes upon. It is a shame that such a pretty soul has marred itself for eternity. But I will not witness that firsthand."

There was silence for a beat before Dean realized what Castiel had just implied. "Are-are you kicking me out? Who the hell-"

"Yes," he answered simply.

"You can't make me leave," Dean exclaimed. Oh God, what's happening?

"Watch me," Castiel retorted, his eyes flashing angrily.

When Sam walked out of the kitchen, he didn't make it far before he saw Kevin and Charlie coming towards him. Kevin had opened his mouth to speak to Sam, but stopped when they heard yelling coming from the kitchen. The three of them turned in the direction of the sound and could do nothing but look at each other and wonder whether or not they should interfere.

The younger Winchester had wanted to walk in there, but he really wanted to hear Dean get his ass handed to him. What he hadn't expected was to learn things about his brother from when he was in Hell. There was so much to process, and his head was now spinning with all the knowledge he was gaining. But what he still doesn't know is what mark Castiel is talking about, nor why Dean has memory issues.

Just as he was about to step into the kitchen, Dean storms out and Sam couldn't help what he did next. Sam walked right up to his brother and gave him the hardest punch he could muster. He did it for himself, he did it for Castiel, and he did it for Dean because sometimes the only way to wake Dean up from his idiotic ways is a good soc to the jaw.

Breathing heavily, Sam barely registered Castiel stepping out of the kitchen as well. He watched as Dean went to gather the strength for a return punch, but was surprised when his older brother held back.

Dean had not been anticipating getting punched the moment he walked away from Castiel, but now that he had been, he was pissed. Just as he's getting ready to reciprocate the hit, he sees the frightened look on Charlie and Kevin's faces. He doesn't give himself time to think about where Charlie even came from when he just turns to his bedroom to grab his things and leave.

The trio watches as the Angel walks into the library in silence.

Castiel is in a daze when he finally hears the door to the bunker slam shut, signalling Dean's departure. His heart clenches painfully in his chest, and he can feel the familiar sting at the corner of his eyes. He hates being human, the constant whirling of his emotions is the most annoying thing he has ever had to endure. Emotions are weakness.

After a few minutes of silence, he hears the others walk into the library with him.

"Cas?" Sam speaks softly as if afraid to incur the Angel's wrath.

"Yes, Sam?" sighed Castiel.

"Are y-are you ok? What happened in there?" inquired Sam softly.

"What did you hear?" He may as well resign himself to the fact that he had a lot of explaining to do.

"All of it."

Castiel sighs.

"Dean has gone and found Cain, the man who killed his brother, Abel, and received his mark so that he can kill Abaddon," Castiel rushed. It was better to be blunt and precise with such revelations.

"Isn't that a good thing?" hesitates Charlie. The Angel turns a stern look to the unsuspecting ginger causing her to flinch.

Castiel has to fix his features before getting mad at someone that is ignorant of the situation. There is no reason to alienate himself from the people that haven't betrayed him.

"No. Because in doing so, he has condemned his soul to demonization," the Angel explains. There is a moment of silence before the news sinks in.

"Why didn't you tell him, Cas?!"Sam exclaims. Sure, he's mad at his brother, but he wouldn't wish demonization on him! But if what's he learned in the past 15 minutes means anything, then there's gotta be a way to turn it back...as long as they get to him on time.

"Because I am not going to coddle him anymore, Samuel," Castiel stated sternly. "There are consequences to his irrational behavior and he is going to learn one way or another! We are in this mess because I allowed him to get to me, but not anymore. Dean Winchester is going to learn to live with the consequences of rash decisions." Silence commenced while the Angel mentally went back through the argument he'd had just had with the eldest Winchester. He hadn't intended to break up with Dean, but perhaps it was for the best. This way, they could forget. He couldn't keep a stray tear from leaking down his face. He fiercely wiped it away.

"It'll be fine, Cas," consoled the younger Winchester. Sam honestly doesn't know what to do right now. Too much has transpired in the past week for him to be able to comprehend fully the circumstances they are in right now.

"You don't understand, Sam, I've been in love with that idiot for thousands of years," his voice cracked. He turned teary eyes to the younger Winchester. "And I mean that in the literal sense. I jus-what do I do now? I don't know anything else." Sam offered the Angel a shoulder to lean on as consolation. Sometimes there isn't much one can do other than to physically be there for those in need.

"Hey, um, I'll be right back, guys," said Charlie as she stepped out after a tense moment of silence.

When she stepped into the empty hallway, she took a minute to take a deep breath and quickly analyze everything that she's learned. She had been so excited to see Kevin in Oz because as fun as it had been, she was missing home. Ironic as that may be. Charlie was really excited to know that she was going to finally be able to meet Castiel in person! She'd read enough of the books and fan fiction to be a little intimidated by him, but she was eager to meet the man that stole her metaphorical brother's heart. Looking back at the past half hour, though, hasn't changed her mind about him. This is still the Castiel she read about, and the Castiel that Dean is still in love with despite the little (ok big) domestic mishap they just had. Charlie resolves herself to play peacekeeper and she reached into her pocket to type out a message:

Dean, I don't know what's gotten into you,

but you're like my bro so I feel obligated

to tell you that if you ever need someone

to talk to, I'm here. Be careful. I love you.

D:

I know.

She smiles at the answer. It's totally their thing, and it warms her heart to know that even though the two lovers (and Sam) might be having issues, they can fix this. Like they always do. She briskly walks to the kitchen and busies herself for a little while.

A few minutes later, Charlie was walking back into the library with tea for herself and for Castiel, the only other person still in the room.

Dean isn't conscious of where he's going at all. He's hardly paying attention to any of the laws of the road; the only thing he knows is that he needs to put as many miles between him and that hell-hole.

He's also pretty sure he's single right now.

Hardly two weeks ago he'd had the fuck of his life in the back of his car, and now he's here all on his own. No Angel in the seat next to him, and no little brother in the back seat to shoot disgusted faces at them in the rear-view mirror. What a life he's living now. He keeps a firm grip on his steering wheel and just races down the road.

"I'm sorry," Castiel begins after Charlie places the cups in front of them.

"For what?" she asks with a wary smile.

"I was looking forward to meeting you, but now I've gone and given you the worst impression of me," he mumbles.

"Are you kidding me? I've been wanting to meet you for a long time, Castiel! And the only impression I have of you is of an impassioned guy that cares a lot about an idiot that doesn't know any better," smiled Charlie. "Which was the same impression I was getting from the books, so if anything, you've only solidified what I admire about you," she blushed. He's dreamier than I thought. Dean is so lucky she thinks to herself.

"Hmm," Castiel grunts having nothing else to say. It's difficult enough for him to interact with those he has known for years. He gets the feeling that Charlie isn't easily offended.

"If-uh, if you don't mind...can I ask you something?" she asks nervously.

"You may."

"Have you really been in love with Dean for thousands of years?"

Castiel nods before speaking. "I knew his name and what my service for him would be before I even heard my own name. Father made sure that I would become the Angel Dean would need, and when you're given something like that, how do you not fall in love with the object of your study? He is the only thing that I know better than anything else."

"Holy shit," sniffled Charlie. Castiel had been so lost in his own thoughts he hadn't realized his effect on Charlie.

"Did-did I say something wrong? I'm always so lost when it comes to human interactions," frowned Castiel.

"No. No, Cas, you didn't say anything wrong. I just-that's beautiful," replied Charlie, wiping at her eye. Silly, girly feelings. She's a sap for a good love story and she knows it.

"Yes, while it lasted," he said bitterly.

"Oh no, sir, we are not going to play that game, mister," she stated as she slapped the table in front of her. "You don't love someone for that long, and let them go at the first-sign of trouble. -Ok, not the first time, but you know what I mean."

"No, I don't, actually."

"I mean that you're going to find a way to accept that Dean's an idiot and love him anyway. Neither of you are dead, so there's still a chance to fix this."

"Why would I fix this?" Castiel has been working hard to be open to Charlie, but he's not going to just sit there and be told what to do. He mentally pauses when he realizes that that is a trait he must have picked up from Dean. He is caught between wanting to slam his fist down on the table, and quirking a smile.

"Because there is no one on this planet that gets you like he does and vice versa. Now," Charlie continued, changing her tone. "Kevin told me you guys need my help with tracking down some people, right? When we get the world back in order, we'll make sure to put your world back in order."

"I don't care if Heaven gets back in order once the Angels are back there," stated Castiel.

"Good thing I wasn't talking about Heaven," she smirked.

Dean finally stops at a motel for the night, a good 10 hours later. The drive had taken it's toll on him, and he thinks about going out for a few drinks but decides against it. Now that doesn't have driving to distract him, all he can do is think back on earlier that morning. As he lays there on the lumpy bed, he brings his forearm up to the light of the bedside lamp. He constricts his hand into a fist and clenches his jaw. After 10 hours he can say that yeah, ok, maybe Castiel had been right and he allowed himself to be manipulated, but what choice did he have?

Who better to sacrifice themselves other than the Righteous Man? His birthright was to become the vessel for the strongest Archangel to help bring about the end of the Apocalypse, so why not do it one more time?

The longer he sits there, the more angered he seems to get. At everything: Castiel, his brother, Crowley, Abaddon, Gadreel, Metatron, but most of all...himself. But it was too late for all of that, he decided. Now, was the time to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Dean stands up from the bed, and heads to the shower hoping, that metaphorically he can absolve himself from the sins he is going to commit before he actually does them.

When he finally came out of the shower, he sent a text to Charlie:

I fucked up, Char. Like, royally.

Ch:

Meh. I wouldn't say royally. I'd say that you

fucked up pretty bad, but it's something that

you can fix.

D:

Even if I could, I don't think I'd deserve to. I

can't keep dragging Sam and Cas and Kevin

and you through the mud anymore.

Ch:

See! THAT'S your problem! Shouldn't WE get

to choose whether or not we want you in our

lives?

D:

But you don't even know what's happened, Char.

You don't know what I've done.

Ch:

Dean, you've been gone for like 11 hours, I've been

brought up to speed. And I think that despite your

apparent douchebaggery, Cas is still hopelessly in

love with your dumb ass, and Sam is your brother,

and you guys always fix things. And I'm pretty sure

Kevin's just happy to be alive.

D:

Well, at least one of us is still optimistic.

Ch:

Ugh. Whatever, Debbie Downer, we still love you.

We'll be here when you learn to love yourself.

The following morning, Charlie is barking out orders for Sam and Kevin when Castiel finally decides to come out of his bedroom. His own this time, Dean's has been soiled by far too many things for him to actually lay in it anymore.

"Do you really need all of this stuff, Charlie?" Sam asked with trepidation.

"Do you want to find those two Angels or not? I need those things to run facial recognition programs, police radio scanners from the around the country, and all kinds of computer geek stuff, alright? Plus, we've got to upgrade the internet around here. This connection is disgusting."

"Alright, I'm sorry, Charlie," chuckled Sam. "Come on, Kev, I'm gonna need some help carrying all of this stuff."

"Can I drive?" inquired Kevin excitedly.

"No," deadpanned Sam.

Castiel couldn't keep the small smile off his face at the interaction between his friends. He didn't envy the loneliness Dean must be experiencing.

"Good morning, Cas," came Charlie's chipper voice.

"Good morning Charlie," smiled the Angel.

"How did you sleep?"

"Horribly." There was no use lying, he didn't sleep well unless Dean was there. Those weekends that he would spend with Dean would be the only time that he would get any kind of consistent sleep.

Charlie frowned. "I'm sorry."

"You're not the one that needs to apologize," the Angel stated. Castiel can only hope that he can get over this because this morbid feeling that has been hanging over him for the past 24 hours has been overwhelming.

"Aw, come on. You need some cheering up! We've got ice cream in the freezer, the only thing we're missing is some cookies and an awesome movie!"

"I'd rather do some more research, Charlie."

"I wasn't asking you, Blue Eyes, I was telling you," she smiled. She pushed him towards the cupboards and yelled out ingredients for him to take out while she dug through the refrigerator.

Hours later, Sam and Kevin finally make it to the bunker just in time to see Charlie and Castiel in the kitchen cooking dinner.

After Dean read the last text from Charlie, he decided that it was time to sleep the day off. His only wish that it would be dreamless was not granted:

Dean was greeted once again by the smell of sulfur and the sound of muffled cries. He smiles to himself as he busies himself with readying his tools for the day. He can't wait to be with his favorite being in the entire universe. He turns toward the Angel and his smile widens once more.

"Good mornin', sunshine," he drawled.

"Hello, Dean," answered the Angel.

"Do you know what we have on the schedule for today?"

The other man squinted and turned his head in confusion. "I was not aware that there was a schedule to be upheld."

"Oh, there isn't an official one," he smirked.

"Then what do you have planned for us, Dean?"

"Something absolutely riveting," he smiled wickedly.

"I second that notion," sneered a voice from somewhere behind Dean. He couldn't stop from shivering when he recognized that voice. Alastair. "Are you having fun with your toy, Dean?"

Dean could only look straight into the Angel's eyes, there was no way that he could turn to look at the man that broke him.

"I asked you a question."

Dean hardly suppressed the pained whimper that was caught in his throat before he answered curtly, "Yes."

The Hunter stiffened when he felt the hand of his tormentor at the small of his back, his hot breath at this throat.

"Well, get on with it, Dean. I wanna watch you play. Daddy's got babysit sometimes. Has to make sure his little Demons play by the rules.

Dean brings a shaking hand over to his tools. He might still cut into the Angel, but it was with less and less frequency and violence that he did so. He had to keep up appearances, after all. But having Alastair right there, he knew he was going to resort to darker methods that he hasn't done in years. As he picks up a red hot poker, he brings his gaze to meet the Angel's. He can only hope that Castiel can see the amount of regret he feels as they share a meaningful gaze.

For hours upon hours, Dean brings sharp, rusty tool after sharp, rusty tool, bringing shouts of pain from the Angel. Alastair's cackle was present the entire time, hardly heard over the shouts of Castiel.

"Alright, Dean, enough. It looks like my favorite student has been behaving himself after all. Such a good boy you are," the Demon teases. The Hunter gives a forced smile until the man leaves the chamber. As soon as they are alone, Dean breaks down. He chokes out the tears he had been holding back all day as he carved into the being in front of him.

"Dean," pants the Angel.

The man cannot bring himself to look at him. He stayed crouched where he fell when his emotions were too strong to stay upright. Castiel allowed him a few minutes more before speaking again.

"Dean, please look at me," he pleaded.

When Dean finally met his gaze, his breath hitched at the gaze he was met with. There was love written in those ocean-deep eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Cas, we're gonna get you outta here somehow, ok? I can't do that again."

"It's ok, Dean, I forgive you." Despite what he's just said, Dean cannot take the forgiveness, he doesn't deserve it. He surges forward to catch the lips of the divine being in front of him. Roughly, he kisses the Angel before he pulls back.

"Why?!" he exclaimed loudly. Why does he keep getting forgiven? For what purpose?

"Because I love you."

Hearing that line caused something to break inside of him. He picked up one of the knives that was still dripping with blood, and slit the Angel's throat. Nobody can love a fuck-up like him.

Dean sat up in his bed with his face full of moisture and ragged breath coursing through his lungs.

"Hello, love, what's got you in a tizzy?"

He knew he should have warded the room.

"Fuck off, Crowley."

"Is that how we greet guests? Tsk. Tsk."

"What do you want?! Do you remember my promise to you?" Dean yelled.

"Well," the Demon scoffed. "I came by to give you the good news."

Dean perked up. "Yeah?"

"I've found the wretched blade. Now, when do we start looking for the Queen Bee?" Crowley smirked.

"Give me a few hours and I'll be good to go," Dean replied.

A/N #2:

Let me know what you think! Reviews are love. I do have a question, if there was a way for me to fit into the story for Castiel to get his Grace back...would you want him to? I'm leaning towards no, but I want to know what you guys think :) I'll have another chapter up ASAP! I also acquired an AO3 account a week or two ago, so you can follow me on there as well! On there, I am: Chrisinele_hime